All I every wanted was to just have a chance to live a little life

[blues90]

Now since everything has become so complicated and out of control that without being a political and environmental and medical plus a business expert this is impossible .

Everything is blown way out of proportion and nothing makes logical sense let alone common sense .

People are in this political rage thinking one of the three corporate presidential picks will ride in on a white horse and save everything when common sense tells me this is more of the same insanity we have seen for 50 years or more .

I am obsolete in a fake world of smoke and mirrors due to high technology and fake promises and over population as if continuing the family name is really something to be desired .

I don't want any part of this madness yet I am stuck with in now because each thing does affect me in one way or another .

There are so many reasonable and simple ways to fix this mess yet it has become so complicated and opinionated that we are buried in a world of shit by design brought on by greed and the love of machines and new shiny throw away crap .

At this point I don't care anymore , just leave me out of this rage of the machine and all the political rants and madness . Don't call my phone with campaign adds designed to get me out to vote for a liar or a fool who has about as much interest in my rights and life as they have in what brand of toilet paper they buy to wipe their ass .

Next it will be Obama rolls , the big roll or Hillary wipes or McCain leave the seat up mentality .

It's all a scam and a cult no matter how I look at it . It's a game of blood money and position and when the smoke clears and the decor is swept away I will be still in the same boat with the same holes I am in now .

It will still be endless streams of cars on the freeways in an endless battle to get to work on time with those who are smashed and reduced to blood spots as a video game . All forgotten as an acceptable part of this madness . You hear this every single day on any traffic report which now continues 24/7 .

We have has many years to foresee this sort of end result yet people go on as long as they are not a victim of a crash or shooting or have their entire bank account drained and have nothing left of a lifetime of working and hoping .

everything is number one or the best yet we have one million choices to choose from when all are crap .

I am under no spell of hope by Obama or the experience of Hillary when neither will change a damn thing .

The machine will rage on and continue to take more and more victims as time marches on , this you can truly count on .

[BeHereNow]

1. Time to pick up your guitar-

Playing is the ONLY relief I get these days.
Otherwise, I would have a nervous break down because
I agree with everything you say.

Been for a hike in Griffith Park lately?
That helps too.

BHN

[Blue_In_AK]

3. You are definitely correct there, BHN...

I keep my sanity by picking up the cameras and heading out. In former stressful times, I'd play my flute for hours at a time. Sometimes you just have to get away from it all and concentrate on the things of beauty in this old world.

[blues90]

4. I have already reached my breakdown point

My guitar was my only escape but I have not picked it up much lately . I have not gone to Griffith park in a long time . I have this problem getting out of the house now , you could say I have become a captive .

[BeHereNow]

5. "Captive" Know it well... that feeling.

I literally have to force myself to go out "there."
As you know, LA is an extremely toxic city.
Physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I live on the back of the park near the equestrian center
and so I don't have far to go to get in the park.
I highly recommend you force yourself to go-
it is very healing. I see coyotes, owls
and all sorts of critters that remind me
that the world contains incredible beauty.
It really helps center the self to get out there
and hike the hills. Pick some of the fabulous
white sage that is growing there- take it home and dry
it to burn for purification later.

I would guess your guitars miss you.
I went through a long period where I couldn't pick
any of mine up after the death of my producer
and seriously, I felt them calling me-
Just go get her and hold her for a few minutes every day-
the music will follow.

And always feel free to PM me if you want to jam.
Sometimes it takes another log to get the fire going.

Also, every Tuesday night, there is a fun open mic
at Viva Fresh- maybe you should come over and
play a few tunes?

BHN

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[blues90]

8. It is a toxic city alright

I live near Hollywood High . There entire area is a mad rush of new shopping centers and the ever waiting red light cameras and everyone is in s rush .

We used to take 5 to 10 mile walks before this becaome so crowded . We used to go to the bowl before it became disney land and sterilized .

My guitars do call but the songs that come up only remind me of better days and this is depressing stuff now . I have my ups and downs dealing with that .

We moved here in 1981 and it was a different place back then .

[BeHereNow]

11. 1983 here, and yes it is a different city- WAY more assholes on the loose.

The music scene here has gotten pathetic too- save a few
underground pockets here and there.

The pay-for-play asshole bookers pretty much destroyed
the flow of art here. I find it much safer to keep it safe
in my own back yard. I have no desire to play out anymore-
I still like recording and working with other musicians
but lord save all of us from the corporates running the
business here now.

You know, all you'd have to do is take Highland
to Barham to Forest Lawn and you'd be in my hood
at the BACK of the park in ten minutes, not the oh so hip
traffic cluster fuck Los Feliz side...

I've got a '57 Sorrento that you might enjoy playing...
;-)

BHN

[canadianbeaver]

9. Love that line BHN.....

"I would guess you guitars miss you"

Peace to all ....and heres to getting off our asses and getting back to nature and the arts...

[BeHereNow]

15. Heh- it's true, they DO miss us when we don't play them...

And yes, I think that for every note of music, every stroke
of the pen whether with ink or paint; in every act of creative
expression and mindful connection with nature- we somehow
balance the evil in this world.

They don't want us to know this, much less do it.

BHN

[canadianbeaver]

17. I hear ya loud and clear......

Will have to ask my hubby if his call him......I am sure now they do.

I have always wondered how musicians were able to change an emotion within someone with the sound of a chord or stroke of the strings...
or a pound on the skins...
or a breath thru the reeds...


beautiful and frightening.... all encompassing.

[canadianbeaver]

7. Totally understand you.....I too am a captive.....

I realize it starts with ONE...ME...and I just can't seem to find the starting point.....its been veiled behind my own eyes...wishing for someone else to pull the trigger on the starting gun...

Or am I just being lazy?

[blues90]

10. It's not lazy , for me something died inside

It is difficult to do the simple things just to get through the day .

I search for help only to find people who deal with depression are far and few in between even when I had insurance it was regulated to 10 visits a year .

They hand you a script and pat you on the back and you deal with it the best you can . I don;t want to deal , I want to pull out of this and can't find the key to the door out .

[canadianbeaver]

12. I really can feel your desperation in this thread......

you have started to make me well up inside...

Sending you some love over the lines...hope you can feel it.... its there around you now...

The keys will be found...so don't give up on yourself..or the rest of us that are here with you...we really do need each other...and I am so glad you posted and reached out.

PLease TRY to keep yourself "light" for a few days if you can....Please.

[BeHereNow]

14. Yes, I know that one- "something died inside."

That's exactly what happened to me when my other husband died.
I always said I had two husbands- the father of my child
and my musical husband, my producer, mentor and best friend.
He lived not far from where you are- between Fountain and Sunset
on Alta Vista.
I don't even recognize that part of town anymore with all
the corporate whoring going on over there.

I DO understand depression and you need to know
you are not alone in that feeling of not knowing
how to find the key that opens the door.
It's a hard process, but trust me when I tell
you it can be done.

PM me- let's talk.
818 isn't that far you know...
Getting together with other musicians
again was my first step back towards the light.

BHN

[Lydia Leftcoast]

16. I would say that you are depressed

Yes, things are BAD in this country, there's no doubt about that.

But depression can impede your ability to cope. Your statement that you haven't picked up your guitar was the signal that told me you're depressed.

When you lose interest or energy to pursue things that usually give you pleasure, that's one sign of depression.

Please seek help. If you can't afford a standard medical assessment, at least try to find a support group somewhere.

[madokie]

2. I pretty much feel the same, its been a wild ride these last few years

I do have confidence that our average jacks and jills have a limit where they get pushed too and where they make a stand. I see, maybe its I want to see, I don't know but I do believe that people are waking up and as they do they are pretty much with us in wanting to do something to stop this slid we're on. I trully feel that in the end we as a country will have things better defined such as some of our basic rights that make it possible for all to enjoy the what used to be and will be again, the American dream.

Hang in there cause our day is coming and coming soon

[Fredda Weinberg]

6. I guess it's a matter of perspective. In my almost 50 years on Earth

I've never seen better prospects, more understanding and greater opportunities around the world. It's not the best of all possible worlds, but there's a lot less BS then when I was young.

Peace and love and understanding? No much. But communities can organize to better their inhabitants, so if you don't like where you are ... look around.

[Mountainman]

13. I have faith in the idea that things in this country will change for the better.

I didn't feel that way before the 2006 election. The majority in this country can see that something is wrong. I read today about the huge crowds Obama is getting. If he isn't taken from us I think he is a leader that really is giving people hope.

People want to follow in a different direction than the one we have been going in. I think they have gone to the edge of the cliff and looked over and now want to move back from it. Even the media is miffed at the fact that they can't take people in the direction they want.

It's like water flowing down hill. The media puts it's hand down to stop the flow but it just goes around their hands. I have more faith in the future than I have had in a while because I see people waking up from their stupors.

When ever I read some letter to the editor from the right wing it is always more of the same shit they have been saying for years. It's becoming more and more irrelevant. People don't want to live in fear. They don't want to give up their rights. I think it's going to be a new day.

It's still dark but as the line goes, it's always darkest before the dawn.

[Fredda Weinberg]

36. Current events support your optimism. Short or long term, we are

seeing real progress. Enjoy!

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

19. We have access to information allowing us greater opportunity to arrive at the truth.

As painful as staring at the truth may be, it is an incredible gift.

Now, all we have to do is make a decision about what to do with it. That decision is painful, too, because there are so damn many who have been completely ignorant about the courage and sacrifice necessary to make a difference beyond their own lives.

There are no short-cuts to democracy or fundamental constitutional and human rights. They have to be EARNED and SUSTAINED.

[Fredda Weinberg]

35. Ah, the gift of prescience ... what a curse!

Honestly, this whole existentialist angst thing ... it's gotta get old someday. Yes, we'll each die, but I've know that for decades - and appreciate every savory moment.

No time for despair - I'm busy organizing people, cause that's be our salvation. We got the tools ...

[zalinda]

18. I understand, and I feel trapped too

There is no way out. Neither of the candidates that we have will do a damn thing to help. I'm not rich enough, so I won't count. Hell, count, I'll be invisible. I and just about every other poor person out there will still struggle, and have hope as our doctor, because I'm not sure we'll see affordable health care in my life time. I know I won't see justice for poor people in my life time.

The only thing that makes any difference in my life is that I can do things that will bring some joy or comfort to others who may be in a worse position in life than I am. I am now old and am being tossed aside by society and Obama's political vision. I've come to grips with that. When chocolate no longer tastes good to me, I will take my sleeping pill stash to bed with me and never wake up again.

zalinda

[Beregond2]

20. All I ever wanted...

Certainly it isn't hard to get depressed in these times; and it is clear to me that you are suffering some major depression. But please remember that cynicism and despair are very cloudy lenses through which to view the world.

The world has ALWAYS been a big mess. The only difference now is that modern media make it so much harder to ignore that fact. We are bombarded with bad news 24/7. But do you really think it was any better at some other time and place in human history?

And yet, people went on with their lives, and made what improvements they could. And things do get better. We may well be about to elect a black president, something that would have been unimaginable forty years ago. Women can vote. Children aren't routinely beaten, or forced to work. Countless major diseases have been eliminated. Europe is united. I could go on and on.

I think the best advice for dealing with despair was given by Voltaire in "Candide." "Make your garden grow." In other words, focus on what you CAN control, what you CAN improve. To quote the finale from Bernstein's musical version:

"Let dreamers dream what worlds they please;
Those Edens can't be found.
The sweetest flowers, the fairest trees,
Are grown in solid ground.

We're neither pure, nor wise, nor good.
We'll do the best we know.
We'll build our house, and chop our wood,
And make our garden grow."

Create something, no matter how small, and life doesn't look so bleak.

[BeHereNow]

22. "Create something, no matter how small"

That's exactly right...
It took me years, but once you start it grows.

However, when in a depressive state- it is hard to
do much of anything at all. It's hard to leave the house,
it's hard to do basic things like showering or laundry-
the days have a way of blurring together.
We have been subjected to such abuse for so long
by the BFEE and that certainly doesn't help when trying
to crawl out of the black hole.

It does help to talk to others who understand the
nature of the beast.

BHN

[donkeyotay]

26. Thanks, for the Voltaire. Very nice, and needed right about now. nt

[truedelphi]

39. The problem is: Candide did not get to that point where he could be

Out there in his garden until his life was shot. Before he got to the garden he had to deal with the Inquisition and a bunch of other really nasty realities.

And a lot of us see that we ain't gonna spend no time in no garden any time soon.

Prices are sky high, and that means work a lot more. Gotta pay the rent, the heating bill, the huge grocery bill. (One of my solutions is I've switched to really inexpensive meals like Sunflower seeds and granola. But if I had kids, I wouldn't see that as the solution.)

Opportunities seem to be a lot less for many of us. And a few months ago, when Edwards and Kucinich were in the race, I did feel a sense of real hope.

But not so much now.

[blues90]

21. It's nice to see people care , I must admit I have not been open

to politics much . I never was into politics just art and music which is my guitars .

I even went into building my own guitars in 1983 , sold most of them and kept three strats I built with wide necks to fit my big hands . I built them all from scratch not kits .

I have one accoustic left which is a Seagull grand or parlor sized guitar which is pretty nice . It's a good blues guitar .

I even built my own tube guitar amps and have two left that I made from parts sold others that were more attractive .

This helped keep me going for a time when I had hopes and dreams .

I never made more than the cost when I sold these .

I pick up a guitar and get through maybe an hour before the reality breaks through my trance . And then I am here and feel like no one .

Where I live it's impossible to say if people are waking up , this town is a strange thing at best . People talk about surface stuff .

About a month ago while in the rite aid drug store of horrors a women who looked close to my 59 years or age began talking to me in the parking lot . She did not believe in global warming , ok don't . we talked some more and she brought up immigrants saying how rude they were speaking in spanish at the check out counter to eachother and then in english to her .
she looked at me and said "you probably won't agree looking at you " I am white as one can get but still must carry around the look of the hippy musician who is always for the under dog and not for the corporate swill machine . This was the only time she was right about .

I know deep inside me that there will never be an end to racist people or sexist people , at least not in my lifetime . I wonder how this will all play out in November coming . It is always going to be the world of the dollar I know this .

I just hope people who hold hope for a better future with either Hillary or Obama are not played for fools and find this out the hard way . I cannot set myself up for more of the same so I must cancel out hope in that sense .

I know for many as they watched this country stripped away that each month into each year they felt it would end . I know that as they watched with an inner fear while it continued to slide down to the edge of the cliff , they held onto hope and tried to steer clear of the fear . There is a fear that becomes a inner shelter with darting eyes that try to see the difference , is today better than yesterday , will tomarrow bring better or worse . I can't see it in their faces but I know it's there .

I don't think man was designed to move so fast . We were not designed for the race of time , we were designed to flow in the current of nature . It's no longer the machine working for the man it is the man working for the machine .

[BeHereNow]

23. "we were designed to flow in the current of nature" Exactly right.

LA is not conducive to that fact and it takes
serious effort to unplug from the twisted energy here.

This is why you should come over my way for a hike in the park-
I swear it will help you feel better.
If that fails, playing my Sorrento through my vintage epiphone
amp will most certainly make you feel better.

BHN

[BeHereNow]

24. Blues90- did you by chance know Top Jimmy?

He was a dear friend of mine for many years until he
passed away. Crossed my mind that we might have some mutual
friends in the local scene.
Carlos Guitarlos perhaps?

In case you are wondering about meeting up with me-
several fellow Duers have and they will assure you,
I can be pretty good friend-
Besides, jamming alone IS not always good for you.
Sometimes hooking up with other musicians sparks something
new that helps shift the gears.

I repeat- PM me and we can talk on the phone if you want.
BHN

[blues90]

28. Yes I met him in Raji's and we spoke quite a few times

Top Jimmy that is . this was back in the early 80's . We sort of ran into eachother and somehow we just hit it off . I remember him telling me how he wanted to get his life together . we were near the bar .

[BeHereNow]

29. Rajis... Dobbs...remember Dobbs? He owned Rajis.

Jimmy slept on my couch for a while-
Every morning he'd wake up at 6 am, walk to the store
to buy a bottle of jack and a six pack of coke.

When I 'd wake up up, I'd find him sitting on the couch with his
cocktail and the pot of fresh coffee he'd made for me.

I loved the guy dearly-
I just found an old picture of him, my daughter and myself
taken on Ventura Blvd. in front of a music store that hosted
his record release party...

I have other pictures of him on Easter when he was
crashing at my place. He got up real early and
hid easter eggs for my daughter.

In my kitchen I have one of those old pig cookie jars that he gave me.
My house is full of things Jimmy gave me.
I think of him every day.

BHN

[dysfunctional press]

25. I am under no spell...by Obama or...Hillary when neither will change a damn thing..."

AMEN.

until we have a government of people NOT beholden to the military-industrial complex, we ain't goin' nowhere but DOWN.

the amount of money poured into military pork-barrel spending is atrocious and embarrassing.

exactly what way of life are we supposedly trying to defend?

[blues90]

30. That's a good question , if it is what we have come to now

Then I must say I am not interested . They continue to wave this flag with moving forward written all over it and what does forward really mean .

I know what it means to me and it doesn't look good because to move forward to me means walking away from the past damage done leaving a wake of people completey left out .

[AlphaCentauri]

27. sometime it's hard to differentiate between the candidates

we don't have no other options, choose A or B, the ones who can buy more advertisement.

[kineneb]

31. I so understand

The idiocy of the 9/11 response is one of the things precipitating my current depression. I knew when I heard Dimbulb blathering shortly afterwards that we would go down a path from which there would be no rescue.

I also just wanted to live a simple, sane and happy life. So far, no luck. And like you, my music is no longer a refuge; I haven't played the organ or piano since summer. My situation is complicated by watching Hubby slowly die.

Try to hang in there. Take life one day at a time. Hug a teddy bear. Remember to breathe. Look into mental health care.


(Yes, I am in therapy and have medications, courtesy of County Mental Health.)

[RuleOfNah]

32. Goodbye Pork Pie Hat / Where Can A Man Find Peace.

Written by Mingus, released by Andy Summers on Peggy's Blue Skylight.

It's a lot like your post. It might not be uplifting but remember, you aren't alone. There are a lot of us that had our life potential stolen.

[BeHereNow]

33. A good song for the way a lot of us feel... Loudon Wainwright III "Dreaming"

Dreaming
Copyright ©1996 Snowden Music, Inc.

"I'd rather be dreaming than living
Living's just too hard to do
It's chances not choices, noises not voices
A day's just a thing to get through
Living's just too hard to do


I'd rather be dreaming than talking
There's nothing to hear or to say
With ears covered mouth closed the world is opposed
Nothing gets in or away
There's nothing to hear or to say

I'd rather be dreaming than thinking
Thoughts are small comfort to me
Dreams might be pretend but at least dreams end
And I just can't stop thinking you see
Thoughts are small comfort to me

I'd rather be dreaming than sleeping
Just sleeping you're just as well dead
In dreams I can fly, in dreams I don't die
That's why I lie here in this bed
Just sleeping you're just as well dead

I'd rather be dreaming"
http://www.lwiii.com/

One of my very favorite songs...
BHN

[Ichingcarpenter]

34. I'm sorry my friend for your agony today

I feel it too once in a a while.........
I really didn't know what to say to your thread but
to be here for support.


:hi: :pals: :pals: :headbang:

[easttexaslefty]

37. Hello blues 90,

An article about happiness from http://www.newsweek.com/id/107569/page/1
Happiness:Enough already
I don't find it odd to be unhappy in today times. An interesting read for todays times

wishing you well my friend, my thoughts are with you,

[HCE SuiGeneris]

38. My heart aches for you.

This is no world that I prepared for. Call me simplistic or naive. I missed the timing in getting prepared for what now serves as society in this cruel environment. Pretty sure I would have opted out had I seen it coming. May we find a higher level of existence soon. I am stranded in this world as it is now.

[blues90]

40. One word I have come to really hate is progress

To me it's a perpetual path to nowhere , mans invention , a cleaver cover for letting things grow out of control .

I remember an article written by HL Mencken called the Libido of the ugly . Once a few year back while listening to Roy of Hollywood while he played Allan Watts reading this article and after watts added his own part , sort of an update even though his update was many years ago . I t was when the were in the process of building interstate 5 to head north and end up in Olima . This included the destruction of beautiful land scape to build this abomination and how man could drive in a car made up of steel and copper wire and view the country out of a window with out ever stopping to actually participate with nature .

Progress in mans terms is the eventual destruction of nature without let up . We see it now in the mountain top removal in west virginia for coal .

Mencken's article can be found by google , I don't know to find Watt's reading of it other than a cassette tape I made while the show played . It is somewhere around here .

But if progress is to make us all the same and shape us into some sort of cold future then we are truly lost .

I spent a good part of my life in Chicago and went often to museums like the field museum where everything that was once a living animal was stuffed , cobwebs clinging to the motionless creatures and it was quite sad . I went a few times to attempt to shake the feeling and let it sink in .

This is what man and his progress has done , a slow process that takes time to notice but once done there is no way to ignore it unless one is accepting of this progress and embraces it as the path to the future .

Progress has brought us box stores and cities that all look the same , a bland sameness that becomes a viscous circle with no way to separate the beginning from the end once they connect .