OK. Some people here need some Disability 101.

[lightningandsnow]

Things to keep in mind:

- People with disabilities are just that: people. With disabilities. They are not deformed, miserable, sick, grotesque or tragic. Similarly, disability does not always equal suffering.
- Disability itself is usually not a tragedy. What sucks is society's response to it.
- A wheelchair is not a prison or a confinement. It's a mobility device.
- Using assistive technology (i.e. alternative communication, ventilators, feeding tubes, etc.), does not necessarily amount to suffering. Actually, technology like this often makes life better for people.
- People with disabilities are not "special" or magical either. They're people.
- Adults and teens with disabilities do exist. Going on about how special children with disabilities are while ignoring the realities of adults with disabilities is tacky and infantillizing.
- People with disabillities are not a burden. Often, despite their disadvantages (which we all have, disabled or not), all of them have strengths.
- People with disabilities (including mental ones, such as autism) are often quite capable of speaking for themselves. Please listen.
- Around 1 in 7 people have a disability. So please don't assume that none of them are on here.

Feel free to add things to this list.

[Hepburn]

1. Some times, disabilities are not obvious or visible....

....yet they are very real.

Edit for typo.

[lightningandsnow]

3. True.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

4. Very true

My husband has Myasthenia Gravis, but you can't see the pain he has in moving his muscles. To the layman's eye, he just moves about rather slowly.

[Mojorabbit]

37. I have MS

and am the same , ie just a bit slow in moving and perhaps a bit wobbly. Unless I am having a major exacerbation. Then it is easy to see.

[Der Blaue Engel]

5. I was just going to add that

Important to note when you see someone with a disabled placard on their car and they look "just fine" to you, so many people assume the person must be some kind of bullshitter. I never, ever assume that anymore after knowing someone with a hidden disability who's been shouted at and derided by strangers for looking "able." It's not my business or my problem to determine why someone else has a placard.

[Hepburn]

14. Oh, do I totally know what you mean!

My late husband had horrible heart problems. He was a great big guy and he looked and acted fit a lot of the time. But....he ran out of breath very easily due to his heart problems and therefore, a shorter walking distance to places was very necessary for him. He got a few rations of shit from people and I nearly one time ripped open his shirt to show some asshole the scars on his chest!

That is why I thought of this immediately when I saw this thread!

[Donnachaidh]

45. AMEN! And people with non-visible disabilities are NOT *FAKING IT*

They are NOT *welfare or medicare frauds* - not by a long shot.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

2. Great list

disabled folks I know want to be treated like people, not DISABLED, with their disability front and center.

[NMMNG]

6. Don't assume a person with a disability "can't". Assume they can,

and take it from there.

[lightningandsnow]

8. Nice!

[mrcheerful]

7. A persons physical disability doesn't mean they also have a mental

disability, in fact they might be more intelligent then you. I run into that one a lot, oh his legs don't work well so he isn't all that smart.

[Maddy McCall]

9. On behalf of my brother, thank you.

:hug:

[ChazII]

10. Happy to be K&R #5.

You made excellent points. Thanks.

[ThomCat]

11. Recognizing our challenges, or offering us assistance

when it's needed can be done in ways that don't demean us. Most people manage this with just a little bit of effort. :)

[lightningandsnow]

20. Very well said.

[lumberjack_jeff]

31. In my experience, one of the better ways of helping people with disabilities

is hooking them up with a venue in which they can help others.

Everyone needs to feel like a useful, valued contributor. Almost everyone wants to help. Very few people want to be the perpetual helpee.

[Redstone]

12. You're very young, aren't you?

All the more reason for me to compliment you, if I may, on your understanding of the world and the way it works.

When I was your age, I was about one-half of one percent as aware and involved as you seem to be.

People like you and Ava and several other young DUers keep my hope for the future of America alive.

Redstone

[lightningandsnow]

15. Aww... thank you.

[Kitty Herder]

13. Excellent post. Thank you for posting it.

:yourock:

[halobeam]

16. people with disabilities can actually pull up to social services

in a Mercedes and fill out their disability papers. It doesn't mean the Mercedes is theirs. It actually means it isn't; they've borrowed it because they don't have a car (or one reliable enough to make it there.)

If people knew, that by law, you had to sell your own burial plot for cash to pay off bills IN ORDER to start receiving your disability benefits, then logic would indicate you aren't allowed to own a car that costs more than low quality television.

Yeah, detailed, but I've been there.

[lumberjack_jeff]

29. The Arc of the US manages trusts...

for people with disabilities so that they can have a little spending money without jeopardizing their disability benefits.

Without knowing more of your situation, maybe its worth looking into.

[halobeam]

36. Thanks for the info.

I think it's too late to do anything, but it might not hurt to check. What is The Arc of the US?

I've not had anyone in so long, make ONE suggestion, that even directed me somewhere that might help.

I do thank you so much.

[lumberjack_jeff]

42. Here's the link to the NY Arc

http://www.nysarc.org/family/nysarc-family-trust-services.asp

The Arc are advocates for people with developmental disabilities, but they might be worth talking to.

[bonito]

17. WAY AWESOME POST!!!

God luv ya! edit for this :hug:

[Mythsaje]

18. My wife's fibro is hardly obvious...

She has a temporary placard (soon to be permanent) and, when her legs are bothering her, she parks in handicapped spots. Occasionally this results in dark looks from others who don't easily recognize her disability.

Lately I've been suffering my own problems-as some might already know. Disabilities aren't always obvious.

[stray cat]

19. Some disabilitites are pretty limiting and painful and tragic

When I see loved ones suffering from severe osteoarthritis I wish they didn't have to deal with it and could live without it.

[Cabcere]

21. I know I've said this before

but you're awesome, AspieGrrl! :yourock: Thanks for this post. :hug: :thumbsup:

[Kajsa]

22. Thank you AspieGrrl! Another thing to add--

people with disabilities WANT to try new things, especially in school.

All too often I hear from other teachers, aides and yes, sometimes parents

" He/She can't do this ( or that)"

unless they try it- they will never know

I used this approach with my son when " experts" in our school district
were telling me he was MR and would be severely disabled for the rest of
his life.He was 3 years old at the time.

I try this when I substitute teach and see how many times the student
can accomplish a task, previously thought to be " impossible".

Sometimes the task is too difficult- that's OK.

My son is now 23 ( HS autism) has a part time job and goes to our local JC part time.

Give them a chance- they deserve it!

Thanks for posting this.

:hug:

[varelse]

23. I have nothing to add

only a thank you and a kick for this thread.

[pdxmom]

24. Please teach your children the truths on this list. Words matter, and my

husband can still get tears in his eyes when a young child calls him monster (he's an amputee and can't always wear his prothesis) and the parent only shushes them up and hurries away. Use these as teaching moments.

[bonito]

26. Please remind him we're all minds here

:-)

[FirstLight]

25. Sometimes a disability doesn't even qualify as "disabling"

My daughter has a birth defect, causing blindness in one eye, hormonal deficiencies and now, we have found an arachnoid cyst in her brain...
by most accounts she is a normal 6 yr old,
but we have to travel 300 miles for extensive blood tests quarterly (hotel stay is out of pocket, gas, etc) and I have had to put her in a private school setting because the public school system failed to assist her in her needs. She has a definate sensory overload with her other senses...which affects her behavior and eating as well.

The eye specialist said, "no biggie, she won't be able to fly a jet plane..." but the other issues that go along with this defect I had to research and find doctors for myself. We are on Medi-CAL, so getting referrals has taken years...it took over a year to get a MRI of her brain which was part of the regular diagnosis!

And this can change on a dime, she can be fine one minute, and crash the next because her hypothalmus decides to crap out.

...but she looks and acts like a "normal" kid, so unless you know her, you wouldn't see her idiosyncrasies.


oh, yea...and I lost my regular job because of the doctors calls and appointments....so now I work part time and try to freelance as best I can. Single mom, two other kids, and no child support... needless to say we are stretched a bit!

[lumberjack_jeff]

32. Absolutely right.

... but a parent does what a parent's gotta do.

I hear you. There are also times when a disability looks like "ill-mannered" to people who don't know the situation.

[mzmolly]

27. I'm not sure I like the term disability? However,

carry on. ;)

[lumberjack_jeff]

33. All of us will have a disability at some time in our life.

Some of us are lucky enough to have it later rather than sooner.

[lumberjack_jeff]

28. People with disabilities have the right to self-determination.

They have the right to make their own decisions, and their own mistakes.

Good post, thanks.

K&R

[WinkyDink]

49. What does this mean, in practice?

[lumberjack_jeff]

51. For instance...

some time ago a thread was started as a reaction to the news that someone with an autism spectrum disorder joined the army. There was much gnashing of teeth; "Those bastards! They're abusing that poor helpless lad!"

If the person in question met the minimum criteria for acceptance then that should be his decision.

Whether the minimum criteria for eligibility were appropriate never really was a topic of discussion. It was presumed that anyone with ASD should be incapable of making their own decisions.

[Donald Ian Rankin]

56. I don't entirely agree that that's true in the case of severe mental disabilities.

For physical disabilities, that should go without saying, and likewise for mild mental disabilities, but I think that in many cases the severely mentally disabled are not at all well served by letting them "make their own mistakes", any more than children are.

[alfredo]

30. I earned my disability by hard work. My body just wore out.

[Ms. Toad]

34. It is sometimes helpful to remember

that all of us are only temporarily able bodied.

[NMMNG]

35. Well said

We are either disabled or yet-to-be-disabled. It's a bad idea to treat others with cruelty or disdain when we could very easily end up in their shoes.

[baby_mouse]

38. Thank you for posting this. NT

[intaglio]

39. I think I learnt a lot as my mother got older

Here hearing loss became worse (she lost hearing in one ear in the 1960's), her eyesight deteriorated. She moved more slowly, couldn't lift and found driving difficult.But she still enjoyed surfing the net, using her age to her advantage playing scrabble, bridge and majong.

She was elderly and I had to take her round certain places in a wheel chair, but she was not disabled. She used supermarket electric carts and fumed that stuff was on high shelves she could not reach, but she was not disabled. Towards the end of her life she had only 25% hearing in one ear and zero in the other and enjoyed joking about it and using it to stop people gabbling on the phone or to ward off Telemarketers.

There were things she could not do, there were things that became more difficult.

but - She was not disabled, she was my Mother

Remember when you see someone in a wheelchair, or who has sight problems, or there are cognitive problems - that person could be one of your parents or one of your siblings.

[SKKY]

40. Nice post AspieGrrl...

...And from the father of a child with Down Syndrome, I appreciate your deep insight on such issues. We need more of it here, that's for sure. And to echo what RedStone said, the single most impressive thing, from my perspective, about DU is the sheer number of crazy-insightful younger adults (i.e. Ava, LeftPeopleFinishFirst, etc) on here like yourself. It certainly does bode well for our future.

[dysfunctional press]

41. just because somebody isn't in a wheelchair doesn't mean they aren't entitled to handicap parking...

if they have a placard- it's between them, their doctor, and the state that issued it- it's NONE of your goddamn business.

[fight4my3sons]

43. Great post

:hug:
If only everyone knew these things...

[Tindalos]

44. Excellently said

My dad is disabled and what he's able to do can vary throughout the day. We try to stand back and let him try stuff himself before we step in, but it can be difficult to watch him struggle with simple tasks. If nothing else, life is teaching me patience and tolerance.

[Behind the Aegis]

46. Great job!

Sadly, bigotry and discrimination of all kinds is still too rampant, even here. It is good to see things like this to remind people to "check themselves" and their attitudes. Again, great job!

[badgerpup]

47. Disability isn't necessarily something you're born with.

Sometimes life can hand you one of those little Monopoly-like cards, only this one says:

Shit Happens!
You are now disabled thusly:______

Boom.

If a person has always been pretty much able-bodied up until then, learning how to deal with this can really affect one's outlook.

ALSO...
Despite all the 'uplifting' stories about 'courageous heroism in the face of (yadda yadda yadda)', getting hit with a disability does not suddenly turn a person into a saint. This is not alchemy...and expecting sows' ears to be transformed into silk purses because somebody now has a disability to deal with is unrealistic and foolish.

Some people do rise to the occasion magnificently and are a privilege to know...but if you look, they've pretty much handled their entire lives like that.

Others turn openly into complete jerks, figuring that now they have a pass and unassailable excuse to get away with behavior that always got them into trouble before.

Most people fall somewhere in-between.

[WinkyDink]

48. I fully appreciate this, but: Be careful what you wish for. Local, state, and federal

entities would love to save money on NOT providing special assistance anywhere.
No labels/categories equals no mandated help.

[hyphenate]

52. And a lot of it is state-based

In California, where I lived when I was suffering from several heart attacks, and had angina attacks just walking from one room to another, I applied for Medi-Cal and was told I wasn't "disabled." I pointed out to the social worker that if I had been home in Massachusetts, she was impertinent and callously told me the state would pay for a one way ticket back to Massachusetts for me. About a month later, I had another heart attack, and a third angioplasty, with significant damage to the heart muscle.

Being young and having heart attacks was bad enough--seeing how state workers treated me was simply astonishing.

Home in Massachusetts after 15 years in SoCal, was a pleasant change--lots of medical attention, cared for by the state until I was declared "disabled" by Social Security, I am now comforted by the fact that I don't have to prove I'm disabled anymore. And thankfully, people are a whole lot nicer to me when I can't walk quickly or when I fall down and need help getting up. I, too, use the carts in the grocery stores or such when I go out--thank goodness they're there--I would have to waste all my energy walking around one store before collapsing--now I can do a little more when I go out, which helps immensely.

[Irishonly]

50. Thank You

To a casual observer I don't look disabled. Please remember when you see me at a grocery store I am having a good day and my little trip will wear me out. You do not see me on one of my bad days. I push myself to my max each and every day. I have neuropathy, fibro and arthritis. There are days just touching me will cause me great pain. I force myself to walk every day with my dogs. They have been trained to walk with me and are very patient. Disabled people are not trying to milk the system. The government put us through hell trying to get disability.

[NMMNG]

53. Here's a newsletter I get every so often

I thought some of you might find it interesting/helpful:

Disability is Natural

[Skittles]

54. correct

I admonished a co-worker for a mistake and some people told me I should have gone easier on him because he's in a wheelchair. WTF!!!! Absolutely NOT!!!!!!

[Donald Ian Rankin]

55. 1 in 7 sound awfully high. How are you defining disability?

Are you counting things like colour blindness or ADHD?

[zanne]

57. I was at WalMart yesterday...

I know, I know. But this isn't a political post. For years, I've been walking around in pain, using a cane and always putting a shopping cart in front of me (to lean on) whenever I went shopping. I would always leave the store with a day's supply of pain from the abuse to my legs. (I have MD)

Yesterday, for the first time, my husband talked me into trying one of those little "scooter" type things they have there for disabled people. At first I told him I was just using it for fun, but after a while I realized that it was such a sensible idea and it made shopping much easier. I didn't have to stop shopping before I was ready, or before my husband was ready.

What I'm saying is that it's a good thing to be a proud person who insists on standing on her own two feet, but it's a sensible person who realizes that making her life better, even in a small way, is a good thing, too.