Late night comedy

[FourScore]

"Congressional investigations into Roger Clemens and the steroid use begin tomorrow. And it's interesting, you know? We didn't get bin Laden but by God, we're nailing this guy." --David Letterman

"Roger Clemens denies being injected by his trainer. And what I thought was interesting was every time in the proceedings that they mentioned Roger Clemens' buttocks, Sen. Larry Craig would swoon." --David Letterman

"How about that Mitt Romney? I'm going to miss him. He's like the archaeologist who ignored the curse of the mummy's tomb. ... He looks like the dull fiance that Julie Roberts dumps for the co-star. ... He looks like the author of the book on seven keys to success. ... He looks like the guy who puts on a dress and wig and sneaks into the lifeboat." --David Letterman

"The New York Times is claiming that John McCain, who is 71 years old, had an inappropriate relationship with a woman who is a Washington lobbyist. The good news is there's no footage…Political experts say this could be a huge scandal because the woman is 31 years younger than he is. In a related story, today McCain was endorsed by Bill Clinton." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President George H.W. Bush will endorse Senator John McCain for president. They have been close friends since the Civil War and the former president says that John McCain is the only candidate who has the strength, the leadership and the vision to dig America out of this giant hole his son has put us in." --Jimmy Kimmel

"How about that John McCain, though? He looks like the guy in front of you at the movies whose wife has to repeat everything, doesn't he a little bit? He looks like the guy who backed over his own mailbox. He looks like the guy whose sweater is always misbuttoned - you know that guy? He looks like the guy that always tells you he's 72 years young. He looks like the guy who's bragged that oatmeal has lowered his cholesterol." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton out on the campaign trail. She's very sly. You know, she's been campaigning about Black History Month, and she said today that America has come so far that a black man could one day grow up and possibly be vice president of the United States." --Jay Leno

[annabanana]

1. There is hardly a truer thermometer for the Country's mood & temper

that the opening monologues on late night TV..

Thanks for the laughs from a girl who doesn't stay up late much anymore.

[FourScore]

3. It IS a true thermomether, isn't it?

I don't get to stay up late much anymore either, so I love it when I find a compilation of these jokes. :toast:

[TahitiNut]

2. "He looks like the guy who puts on a dress and wig and sneaks into the lifeboat."

Yup. That's Willard, alright.

OTOH ...
"He looks like the guy who's bragged that oatmeal has lowered his cholesterol." Hey!! I'm TRYING to be that guy, dammit!!

[Elspeth]

4. Here are some more:

"John McCain seems reinvigorated. He has a new campaign slogan, 'He'll lead you into the 21st century.' I like it better than the old slogan, which was 'He'll lead you into assisted living.'" --David Letterman

"Experts believe that now that Fidel has resigned, he will either be succeeded by his brother, Raul, or by his idiot son, Fidel W. Castro." --David Letterman

"Senator John McCain has unveiled a new campaign slogan - "Ready To Lead America Into The 21st Century." Yeah, yeah. And this is a lot better than his old slogan, 'I've Been Around Since The 19th Century.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I like John McCain. He looks like an old guy in a coffee shop who's still complaining about the designated hitter.'" --David Letterman

"And Senator John McCain was on the Larry King show the other night. He and Larry got in a big argument over whose prostate was larger." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush is now in Africa, where he's meeting with several of Africa's top leaders. See, again, I don't think President Bush is that familiar with Africa. Like, today, he said the leader he's most looking forward to meeting - the Lion King." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday appearing on stage together in Boston, Mitt Romney endorsed John McCain. You see that picture? You see him standing there? Looked like the head of Leisure World giving out an award to the senior shuffleboard champion. --Jay Leno

Actually, political experts say that Mitt Romney has the No. 1 thing John McCain is looking for in a vice presidential candidate - an organ donor card." --Jay Leno

"And I guess you heard the U.S. military is going to shoot down that satellite that's falling to Earth. See, I knew this would happen. I knew it was just a matter of time before President Bush did a preemptive strike on ourselves. Do you know his rationale for shooting down the satellite? He said he wants to try and bring democracy to outer space." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says if John McCain is the Republican nominee, he will campaign for him. Well, you can't do better than that." --David Letterman

"Former President George H.W. Bush will endorse Senator John McCain for president. They have been close friends since the Civil War and the former president says that John McCain is the only candidate who has the strength, the leadership and the vision to dig America out of this giant hole his son has put us in." --Jimmy Kimmel

"After John McCain swept yesterday's primaries he purposely stole a line Barack Obama's been using, 'I'm fired up and ready to go.' When Obama heard this he stole a line McCain's been using, 'I'm old and not sure where I am.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Senator John McCain did very well. He swept as well. He won all his primaries. Of course the big question with McCain is his age. I don't want to say he's old, but I understand his new campaign slogan is, 'Why did I come in here for again?'" --Jay Leno

Scientists for the United States Army have developed a sandwich that can remain edible for three years. Well, if that doesn't get guys to re-up, nothing will. Let me tell you, that shows you how dedicated our armed forces are. I mean, the other side offers their guys, what, 72 virgins? We get a 3-year-old sandwich." --Jay Leno