April Fool's Day Political "News"

[Liberty Belle]

We've all got to have a little fun now and then. Enjoy!
-- Liberty Belle, Editor


Liberty Belle Log
April Fool’s Day Edition:
“Fake news you can really use”

April 1, 2008

CAMPAIGN TRAIL


MCCAIN ANNOUNCES FULL EMPLOYMENT PLAN
—FOR DEFENSE CONTRACTORS

Following up on his previously announced support for keeping U.S. troops in Iraq for another “hundred years, thousand years, or even ten thousand years,” Republican presidential nominee John McCain today unveiled his economic plan to keep defense contractors prosperous over the long-term.

“If elected, I pledge to attack Iran, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Kurdistan, and any place else ending in `an’,” the aging warrior declared.

His statement triggered incensed denouncements from the leaders of Japan, Taiwan, Milan, and Saskatchewan.

POLITICAL PARTIES

With polls showing him leading John McCain by a hefty margin, Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama today announced ambitious plans for coast-to-coast inaugural celebrations.

“We recognize that Washington D.C. simply isn’t big enough for all those Americans wanting to celebrate George W. Bush leaving office,” Obama declared. “So my campaign is renting out space for inaugural parties across America including the New Orleans Superdome, Grand Central Station, Mall of America, the Grand Canyon, and the entire state of Texas.”


PROPOGANDA WATCH

REALLY FAIR AND BALANCED
A wealthy Obama supporter has acquired Fox News, Liberty Belle Log has learned.
“My first act will be to add diversity to the `No Spin Zone’ by replacing Bill O’Reilly as the program’s new host,” new owner Oprah Winfrey revealed.


ULTIMATE MAKEOVER

BLACKWATER’S NEW IMAGE

Stung by news reports of alleged unprovoked killings in Iraq and other negative publicity, Blackwater announced plans to improve its corporate image. Today, the private military contractor revealed it has changed its name to “Whitefire.”

The renamed corporation plans to specialize in the lucrative private firefighting market—starting with the only major county in California which has no countywide fire department: San Diego.

“You can’t criticize us for outsourcing government jobs this time, since San Diego County doesn’t have any firefighters’ jobs to outsource,” a Whitefire spokesman explained. “Half a million people evacuated and 1,700 homes burned down in October under this County’s watch. Let’s face it--how much worse could we do?”


EYE ON OUR ENVIRONMENT

ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL SEEKS TO PROTECT ENDANGERED SPECIES

Breaking with historical precedent under a President who has fought to remove polar bears, wolves and eagles from the Endangered Species list, a prominent cabinet official today proposed adding a new entry.

“In light of the catastrophic economic policies of this administration and the resulting home mortgage crisis, I urgently propose adding `Homeowner americanus’ to the Endangered Species list,” the Secretary of Housing & Urban Development announced. “It is obvious that without federal protection, the American Homeowner will likely soon face extinction.”

POWER PLAY

Positive Energy

In a curious reversal of his customary conservation message, former Vice President Al Gore urged all Americans to “splurge for once and use as much energy as possible” on November 4, 2008. “Turn up the air conditioner, turn on the lights, tune in your TVs and run all your appliances. Let your teens crank up speakers to the max and party hearty,” the global green guru urged, sparking confusion among millions of dazed but obedient followers.

A meltdown of the power grid nationwide ensued, shutting down voting machines and electronic counting equipment coast to coast. Faced with an unprecedented Election Day crisis, beleaguered election officials ordered that all votes be cast on paper ballots, hand counted. Barack Obama won by the largest landslide in U.S. history, with coattails that also swept Democrats back into power in the Senate by a substantial margin.

Gore, who lost his own presidential bid in 2004 by one vote on the Supreme Court, held a press conference and issued his formal reaction to the news.

“I promised the American people I would make sure every vote was counted,” the former plaintiff in Bush v. Gore concluded, smiling broadly. “Case closed.”


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