would you want to know if mate was cheating on you

[seabeyond]

[Birthmark]

1. NO.

I'd want her to wallow in her own secret shame for the rest of her natural life.

[MercutioATC]

2. Ahh! Now, THAT'S real revenge!

Good for you!

:toast:

[seabeyond]

3. lmao.... ya. lol lol. n/t

[Birthmark]

6. Well, it's only fair.

If I cheated, I'd never inflict her with that fact. I think a lot of those who tell their spouses in an attempt to "be honest" are really just telling in an effort to relieve the guilt that they (rightfully) feel. It's self-serving, imo. The cheater has earned their guilt. Let them live with it.

[seabeyond]

10. well, that is a very good point. a lot of time they are doing it to relieve guilt

yes. but i would want to know so i could walk.... with half. lol lol. may relieve persons guilt, but leaves them alone too....

i hear what you are saying

[Birthmark]

14. If there's a good reason

...like an STD or a pregnancy, then of course the information MUST be shared. But barring some such complication there is no legitimate reason, imo, to inflict hurt on the non-cheating party.

It also becomes fair to tell if the cheater is asked directly if they've cheated. They have to tell under those circumstances.

[seabeyond]

16. well

i really appreciate you perspective. enjoyed it.

[seabeyond]

37. .

[seabeyond]

57. .

[gateley]

32. And always living with the fear they'll be found out.

AND with he hassle of coming up with all the excuses.

I'm liking your response, Birthmark! :headbang:

[hisownpetard]

5. What if she had no shame?

[Birthmark]

9. Then I wouldn't be married to her. ;)

Okay. So what if she didn't? Then she lives with the knowledge guilt-free and I'm blissfully unaware. Sounds like everyone's happy all the way around.

[Donnachaidh]

24. OR he.

My father was such a dog. Years later after we'd moved far away my mother told me her biggest fear was that I would bring home a date and find out that this was a child from one of his many flings. :wow:

[seabeyond]

26. eeeew. that is not good. n/t

[SteinbachMB]

18. You cheat on me

and you're GONE.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

58. That's assuming she would feel shame, and not be a sociopath.

I've been married to one.

[Warpy]

4. Oh, please, I always knew.

Come on, it's like they hand you guys a script.

[seabeyond]

12. really. i have heard this.

as far as i know i haven't experienced. i dont think i have. but you know, it is one of those, up in the air kinda things.

that is what i hear though. anyone that doesn't know is because they dont want to know

[Cleita]

7. Yes.

I don't want any stds in my bedroom. I also would like a chance to ask, why? and what can I do to change things?

[Birthmark]

11. What you can do to change things:

Find a new partner. :)

[Cleita]

19. That too is an option, but sometimes breaking up a marriage

for an indiscretion needs some thought. I have known people to divorce over this and it pulled families apart. I know there are immature types out there that should be dumped because they can't keep it zipped, but sometimes being unfaithful is a sympton of something else that might be fixable with marriage counseling.

[Birthmark]

22. That's true.

My standard policy is that sometimes it's "one of those things." The right person at the right time under the right circumstances might produce a one time encounter. I can deal with that.

But an on-going affair or a series of "those things" is a sign of a very deep problem in a relationship. I have never seen such a problem fixed, though I'm sure it happens from time to time. Personally, I'd end it.

[hisownpetard]

36. But in the scenario described, I don't think it would be *you* who needs to wonder

how you can change. Really. That is not being said from a position of strength.

[Cleita]

43. It's a question.

It's one I would ask my naughty child to find out if there is something I should know about. It has nothing to do about me at this point.

[hisownpetard]

48. You didn't say, "...if there is something I should know about." That's different from asking

if there's some way you could change.
If the fault is not yours, why would *you* feel a need to change anything?

[Cleita]

49. How do I know the fault isn't mine if I don't ask?n/t

[hisownpetard]

50. Because you're not the one who disrespected your partner by cheating.

[seabeyond]

51. bah hahaha. well. i told hubby a decade ago, .... i dont want to hear 20 yrs down the road

you do this..... and this is why i did this.

no way will i take responsiblity for it. if he has something to say to me, say it. then we will resolve. but to cheat, and then say it is cause....

i am a reasonable person. he is non confrontational. keeps things in. his problem, not mine. i am open. i listen. i wont accept a blame to something i dont know about... lol

but that is me. i really am a hard ass

[Cleita]

52. Some people aren't willing to throw away a whole marriage

because of infidelity, but want to work things out if possible. It takes two people to have a marriage good or bad, so it doesn't hurt to ask if you are somewhat at fault here if you are interested in working things out. If you don't, then kick the A-hole to the curb.

I've known people who have cheated who had spouses that wouldn't have sex as frequently as they wanted or whose spouses were alcoholic and they didn't want to be having sex with a drunk. It would seem that those spouses should know why and maybe they might want to work on rectifying what drove their spouse into someone else's bed. If on the other hand, the spouse is just a horn dog, then yeah, do what you have to do.

[seabeyond]

53. cleita you are right. i am wrong. readily i agree with you.

that is my line, what i can do, what is acceptable for me. i could not do it. there are a lot of people that are better than me, that could forget.... i could forgive easily, but i couldnt forget. i would never trust again. trust is already nigh impossible for me, cause.... i know better, lol. but i couldnt live when i know the person has already crossed once. i figure that was the hardest, next time is easier

but you are right.....not me

[hisownpetard]

35. !!!

:thumbsup:

[seabeyond]

13. what can I do to change things?... you are a bigger person than i am

now... i do know htis is how i am suppose to be, healthy and balanced and all that good stuff. just dont have it in me. lol

[riderinthestorm]

8. Yes, to get tested for STDs or HIV at minimum

And to get a grip on the relationship - either to work on saving it, or to figure out if it's dead - it seems to me that the facts just gotta be out there.

[seabeyond]

15. facts just gotta be out there.

ya... i cant live in lie. or have no desire to.

[blonndee]

17. For me, it would depend if it was ongoing or a one-time thing.

Yes to the former, no to the latter.

[BlueJazz]

20. I'd ask her for her Lover's Name...I could then call him up and ask him..

..to come over and help her pack. :)

[seabeyond]

21. fist to fist

ya...... lol

[MrSlayer]

23. Yes. Nobody wants to be made a fool of.

If you don't want me, be up front about it. Don't go behind my back.

[angrycarpenter]

25. Been there on both sides and it sucks.

Someone lying to my face pisses me off to no end. I also suck at lying, I have never been able to pull it off for long. Thinking back I think that the lies hurt worse than the betrayal.

Tell me the truth no matter how ugly it is. When someone has lied to me and I bought it as the truth are the times in my life when I have been angriest.

I know the flesh is weak and I know what boredom and alcohol can do. I can forgive that. But making me feel like an idiot for believing hogwash is something I have a hard time getting over.

[seabeyond]

27. i am good at lying. AND i never lie. no reason

but i agree with you, i think the lies hurt the worse.

[davsand]

28. I'd want to know.

That way I will have enough time to clean out every bank account and max every credit card we hold jointly. THEN I will call the lawyers in to pick the bones.

I told him before we wed. TWO things are an absolute for me and either one will be the absolute end of our relationship no questions asked without fail. Don't EVER lift a hand to me in anger, and if you cheat on our marriage your ass is out of my bed forever. There IS no coming back from either one of those things when it is a relationship that I am involved in.

If his promise to be faithful isn't worth anything to him he ain't worth SHIT to me.

And I guess you could say I am not terribly evolved about this sort of stuff. I show him that same level of respect by choosing to stay faithful and by not devolving the relationship into a physical brawl.




Laura

[seabeyond]

31. you know....

i hear ya

two things in my book too.

[flvegan]

29. Yes, so I could exit, stage left her from my life.

Then get tested, and wash my hands of her.

[OhioChick]

30. Oh Hell Yes..... n/t

[devilgrrl]

33. Man, these relationship/parenting threads make me glad that I'm single/not looking

I'm not missing anything.

:hide:

[seabeyond]

34. hey.... marriage for 14 years has been soooo good and very very easy

i dont knwo what everyone is bitching about. hubby and i wonder why people make it so hard

this is not saying we are ALL being cheated on

but by gosh....

i hear ya though. i spent my whole 20's, no commitment and i loved it

[cynatnite]

42. Husband and I have wondered that, too...

We've been married almost 19 years. We were told the first year was the hardest...it wasn't. I told him we must be doing something wrong if it's this easy.

I do have to admit in my 20's prior to getting married...was effing great. Loved it, too.

[The Straight Story]

38. you're missing me

so you're missing a lot :rofl:

[devilgrrl]

44. Yer already taken!

:P

[Fox Mulder]

41. I know what you mean.

I'm glad I'm single. :)

[LeftyMom]

39. Yeah. He'd probably want to know why I was kicking his sorry ass.

;)

[EFerrari]

40. Why in the world would I want to know something like that?

lol

87% of DU is looking for trouble. :)

[Yupster]

54. One reason is that you'd be seeing

all kinds of weird things going on with your spouse and family.

It's not like you could live in bliss. You'd know something very weird was going on and you'd want to know what it was.

That's how it was for me anyway.

Now after spending thousands on her psychiatrist, I think she's trying, but will she ever be trustworthy again? Probably not. It's not so easy to break up a family when there are kids involved though.

[seabeyond]

55. the best

to you. gotta be hard.

i think that is as much it. feeling something is up. needing confirmation to assure not going batty. there is a reason.

[El Pinko]

45. Yes, but only because of the disease factor.

If it weren't for that, I'd subscribe to the old "what they don't know won't hurt them" philosophy.

I'd rather not know, and although I have never cheated, if I did, I'd use prophylactics and never tell.

I think people who are very black/white and absolute about fidelity, etc. are mostly people that have never been in a decades-long marriage.

Sometimes someone still loves their partner too much to leave them, but the attraction is no longer there, and they don't stop having needs.

I personally wouldn't do it though, because I am a terrible liar.

[Breeze54]

46. Trust me, I'd know and he sure as HELL would know!!

But there's nothing 'funny' about it.

[htuttle]

47. Been there. Done that. Got the T-Shirt.

Yes. I'd want to know...

[AlCzervik]

56. Seeing as how i'm not impervious to disease, yes i'd want to know and then i'd be tested

right away.

[Vidar]

59. I'd like to know. Personally the dishonesty bothers me more than the sexual infidelity itself.

[seabeyond]

60. exactly

you are right on. me too.