I've often wondered how people going through tragedy feel when people tell them

[dkf]

they admire their strength.

Is it a source of pride or does it ring hollow to the recipient of those words?

[Raven]

1. I've always thought that there is nothing you can really say to someone

in great pain that means all that much. The Irish have a saying "I'm sorry for your troubles" and, in an understated way, that may say it all.

[patrice]

2. If we can compare what is happening to this country to a death in the family,

we've had several people pass-on lately and I know people are concerned and are trying to express that fact, but when someone says to me something like "Just remember Jesus loves you" or "They're in a better place now and your family is made more saintly by its suffering" or "Just keep believing and give it to the Lord", I just say thanks and get away from them before I slap their faces.

[Flying Dream Blues]

3. I also liked it better when people refrained from giving me advice in dealing

with a tragedy that they had never experienced; I especially could have done without the religious advice. But that said, I tried to remember that no one really knows what to say and the fact that they are brave enough to be there (there were some who just avoided it, and I understand that, too) says something...and that they do mean well. The best friends were the ones who really wanted to know what it was like, and would listen. That helped the most. But everyone is different.

[Solly Mack]

4. I don't like being told that.

Some people want to hear things like that. They might even need to hear those words. When I say it to others (because they have shown strength in the face of adversity) I always make sure I mean it - because of how I feel about the phrase. I also kick myself for saying it...because of I how I feel about the phrase.

I'm always polite when people say it to me. They don't know how I feel about it and they are only trying to comfort me. Never kick another person for wanting to comfort you. It's not easy for them either... at a time when words, no matter how much appreciated, are never enough.

I don't feel strong during a tragedy or something bad happening, maybe that's why I don't like hearing it. I cope because I have to cope. Breaking down isn't an option - besides, if I were to give in I might not come back from it. Maybe I'm just too hard on myself but I don't think of that as strength....so when people say "you're holding up well" or " I admire your strength", I smile, thank them, and all the while my mind is mocking me.

Maybe all that just makes me normal.

[Warpy]

5. I think at that moment they realize that

courage is what happens when you run out of attractive alternatives.

People who go through any sort of hell and survive are always called courageous.

[AngryOldDem]

6. I think the less said, the better.

Why people constantly underestimate the power of a simple "I'm sorry" or "I'm thinking of you" baffles me.

Saying anything much more, to me, runs the risk of being condescending and trivializing what the person is going through.

[enlightenment]

7. I agree - but I think society has gotten so caught up in the

whole "closure" gig that people feel like they need to help people reach that place.

I've never been sure what "closure" means and it annoys me excessively when I hear experts nattering on about it. I remember it was especially egregious after the TWA flight exploded and they sent in those teams of "grief specialists" to hunt down the family members and force them to face their pain. YIKES.

Everyone deals with grief and stress in their own way; there is no single right response or action. The less said the better, for sure.

[easttexaslefty]

8. When going through a tragedy

what choice do you really have. You try and drag yourself out of bed and attempt to attend to the basic needs of existence. Its not strength,in my opinion, but necessity. It rings hollow