What do you do when people tell racist jokes around you?

[lightningandsnow]

Being 16 years old, I have to hang out with my parents' friends quite a bit. And they make racist jokes. All the time. Like once, one of them was making jokes about Filipino women working on a cruise ship, and how she wishes she could have taken one back home to be a nanny. (Most nannies, where I live, are Filipino). I was like, WTF? I didn't laugh, but I didn't say anything either. But my mom was right there, so what could I do? I still feel bad for not saying anything, though, especially since they say stuff like this all the time.

[The Blue Flower]

1. I just say it isn't funny

nt

[proud patriot]

2. I usually will just not laugh if in another home

especially around my grandparents etc...

But the rules change as soon as you enter my house .

I will straight up say "wow that is racist" in my own
home .

[lisa58]

How about, "I don't get it? What's funny about that?"

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

3. It must be hard

because most adults won't listen to anything a young person says anyhow. But you could try something like "that sounds racist to me. Are you saying that Filipino women are only good for being nannies? Please explain it to me, because I'm just a kid.............." :)

[Lex1775]

4. Don't laugh.

That usually makes them feel pretty dumb. You don't have to say anything at all. Just give them a blank stare and watch them trail of in nervous laughter before changing the subject.

Now me, personally, I laugh when my in-laws tell jokes about white people. But I can tell jokes about black people around them and they'll laugh. My wife's family is cool like that.

[peacebird]

5. You don't HAVE to "say" anything - just look at them without a smile, that lets them know you don't

find it "funny".

Shaking your head slowly from side to side or any other non-verbal expression of disbelief works also.

And you don't get in trouble for sassing your folks friends!

[chill_wind]

8. Yes-- it works. I won't pretend to find humor in racism no matter the setting

or circumstances. I've alienated a few aquaintances, but they don't tell me their jokes any more.

[onethatcares]

24. that is the ticket. If your so called aquaintances don't understand

you don't need them. Trust us on that.

[Book Lover]

6. Miss Manners has the answers to all questions...

http://www.spokesmanreview.com/idaho/story.asp?ID=221725

Gentle Reader: You are probably under the impression that etiquette forbids ever making a guest feel awkward.

Well, close. Almost never. But you have just run into an exception. People who tell racist jokes should be given the opportunity to realize the impact on civilized people – and, if possible, to redeem themselves by saying that they themselves (not their best friends) belong to the racial group that was the target of the joke.

Stony face is, in fact, the basic correct response. There is a less harsh version, however, for relatives and others with whom you may have reason to continue dealing. That is to look puzzled:

"I don't get it. Oh, it's supposed to show that they're stupid? Well, I know lots of stupid people, but it seems to me that they're from every sort of background. Smart people, too, for that matter..." and so on. You will soon reach a point where the joke teller cannot stand it any longer, and will be the one to break in with, "Yes, well tell me about your vacation."

[texshelters]

7. It depends on who it is

A stranger: "That's not funny"

A friend: "Wow, that sounds racist"

A comedian: I walk out of the club

A relative: I talk with anouther family member about it.

Tex Shelters

[John Q. Citizen]

9. You could tell your own joke, like Q: 'Why do people tell racist jokes?'

A:'Because they are ignorant bigots!' Laugh long and loud at your own joke, and then say "get it?"

[NNN0LHI]

10. That is really good

[uppityperson]

11. That made me laugh. Just join in, pointedly.

[John Q. Citizen]

16. The key is to stick to the 'It's just a joke, don't get so upset,' if someone doesn't like your joke

[uppityperson]

26. and play naive and all. Very funny.

[Mind_your_head]

12. Stoney silence if you are shy

But if you are bold, relate a story about WHY a Filipino woman comes to work "wherever you are" as a Nanny. All of these women 'have a story'....some true, some not-so-much, but we're ALL HUMAN - we're women - we share a commonality in terms of hopes/dreams/our children. Some of the women who make those jokes are really on the defensive because they "married well"....(even though they married them, doesn't mean they 'keep' them ;-) )

And people who make fun of/make racsist jokes are only "one currency away" from being the 'brunt of their own jokes'.

I hope what I said makes sense to you....I'm not so good at explaining sometimes, but I've "been there".

Peace,
M_Y_H

[Pavulon]

13. Generally I leave..

people get the idea. From your post I could not tell if someone was being racial or making sexual comments. Tacks either way. People will always say dumb stuff, it does not stop as life progresses.

I find it easier not to say something unless there is some chance a person could change their mind.

Else they just pull you in. Now if it is at work you have a very different thing.

[mamalone]

14. That's a tough one....

Honestly, at your age and in your situation, I'd probably just sit and look stonily ahead, making it obvious that I was not amused. It's gotta be difficult when you are around elders, and your parents' friends at that. Fortunately I am 51yo and have gotten to the point in my life that I can pretty much speak my mind... I have said before that "I am uncomfortable with this kind of humor." Once I asked, "Why is that funny? I don't get it," and when they tried to explain it, I just kept repeating, "But why is that funny?"

When I was your age my mother gave me a great piece of advice... it actually had to do with how to handle gossip or unkind talk, but it works great with racist humor as well. She said that when people remember these conversations, they won't so much remember who actually made the offensive comments, but rather who was there participating... if you are there and are silent you will be perceived as agreeing with what was said. Unless you speak up. So when I hear gossip, I try and counter with something sympathetic or complimentary about the person. For example if the folks at the lunch table are talking about Sally's bad taste in shoes... say something like "But you know, doesn't she wear the greatest tee shirts. I love that blue one of hers:)" Now with your example of the "Filipino nanny joke," you could say something like, "You know there is a Filipino girl at my school and she is the best in our bio class... she'll probably end up being a doctor or something." Sounds silly maybe, but it works... and actually I have found that people are very quick to jump into the positive. I think most folks are uncomfortable with unkind or offensive talk but just don't have the nerve to be the one to oppose it, KWIM?

As an aside, I noticed your name AspieGrrl... do you have Asperger's by any chance? My oldest dd is 21yo and she has Asperger's. These types of situations are very difficult for her to handle, so be easy on yourself if they are a bit hard for you, ok?:hug:

[Mind_your_head]

19. That's VERY good advice!

:-)

[mamalone]

22. Thanks!

My mama is a pretty smart lady:)

[Mind_your_head]

27. Great mom - great daughter.....

these things run in families :-).

[mamalone]

30. Awww.... how kind you are!

You made my evening:)

[pink-o]

15. I had a cousin who used to pull shit like that all the time when I was your age

I absolutely hated being in the same room as him, especially since the adults in my family would laugh politely, trying to prevent the awkward silence that should have followed his despicable remarks.

But Sweetie, I was 16 in 1971 and a lot has changed from those times. I like the other posters suggestions, that you just stare blankly, then kind of roll your eyes. If anyone calls you on your reaction, you tell them that you didn't get it, or you didn't think it was funny. If they continue to press you, you just reply evenly: "I guess it's not my kind of humour." They'll know what you mean, and probably back off.

It's a horrible position to be in when you're young and the adults around you are acting so heinously. But take heart: you'll soon be out in the world with your own great values, spreading your love, not hate. It gives me hope to see someone your age who's willing to stand up for what's right! Keep up the good work.

[Prefer]

17. poop in their shoe

[catnhatnh]

18. AspieGrrl....It's a big world with plenty of causes for anger or despair.

Some people are capable of change but few do and some of those who do weren't worth the effort spent for the change they make.....That said, you'll have to walk through the world making your own assessments and judgements of whether the effort you expend trying to make things a little better is worth the energy or cost.In my small corner of the world when the gloves come off and the racial shit starts I look at where I am and who is talking and ask myself two questions-is the "joke teller" worth the effort and are they capable of change. If the answer to either question is no, I ignore the joke-even a successful confrontation would then only mean that next time they check their audience to make sure I'm not there to spoil the "joke". This comes under grandpa's adage "Never try to teach a pig to whistle. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.".
That brings to mind one of the few times I did bother trying to change someone and it worked....One of the guys I worked with often told that kind of joke.Since I was new to the area he knew little about me or my background.Now "Jimmy" had met my wife once or twice at company affairs and such and knew we were both white.On two or three occasions he would start these jokes and I'd tell him "Easy Jimmy,I have a half black daughter." and usually he would laugh and ease off-he knew I was a democrat and figured it was my "guy" way of supporting "liberal" positions. It wasn't until later that first summer I invited him and his family to a picnic at my brother's lake house.As he and his wife and his children arrived, I'll never forget his panic-stricken look as my half black daughter came off the deck to meet him...Seems he never had considered that my second wife's first husband could have been black!!!And charmer that she was Jimmies children became enchanted with her-by the end of the picnic they followed her like ducklings...Later Jimmy spent weeks apologizing and as our families grew closer he came to love my daughter as he loved his own nieces and nephews. The day I knew we won was when a new guys in the shop started a joke and I heard him say-"Hey-I have a half black niece...".

[Breeze54]

20. If someone does that near me I'll usually say,

"Not funny" and then glare at them and ask; "What did you do with the money your mother gave you for comedy lessons?"

[OutNow]

21. I Get In their Face Big time

My stepdaughter is AA. Most people I work with know that. One guy from a different department was attending a meeting in our area of the building. He told one racist joke, and no one laughed and most of them looked at me to see what I would do. He then told another racist joke like he thought maybe we didn't "get" the first one.

That was enough for me. I got two inches from his face and and told him he had 30 seconds to get the hell out of our office or I would escort him out. He asked if I was a n*** lover. Yes, actually I am I replied. He left. It took me about an hour to calm down. I never saw that guy in our building again. Later my boss said it was good I didn't deck the guy because I might have lost my job. On the other hand, he didn't tell me that what I did was a problem.

BTW - I am 6'3" and 280 lbs.

[AlCzervik]

23. Your parents should be the one to say something, your parents invited them so i'll

guess they already know what these people are like.

[slackmaster]

25. If the situation permits, I say something like "That's not appropriate"

It happens at work once in a while.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

28. If it's funny, I laugh

This idea that we can end racisim by pretending that it doesn't exist is short sighted at best. The simple fact is that as long as our corporate masters can keep us fighting amongst ourselves and ignoring them, they win.

One of the best jobs I worked was a school in south San Jose. The construction crew was diverse to say the least. All of us realized that we were not each others enemy. The Mexicans told "Beaner" Jokes. The black guys told "Nigger" Jokes. The White guys told "Honky" Jokes. The Vietnamese told Gook" Jokes, etc etc. Even the Albanians had something to offer.

The fact that we could all, honestly and freely talk about racial divisions was one of the most liberating experiences I've had in my 57 years on this earth. We, all of us, were aware that the real enemy was those who profit from keeping us fighting about stupid shit like what color you are and until we get over this P.C. shit and start having real conversations about these issues instead of pretending they don't exist, we are not going to end this problem and the people who profit from it will continue to control us.

So, all you P.C. types, flame away but, if it's funny, it's funny.

[elfin]

29. I say "I didn't know you were a racist" in a

pleasant yet "surprised" voice and take them off my list of people to spend any time with if I can help it.

[laylah]

31. Of course, being much older,

I can get by with telling them they are ignorant asses...just sayin'. One of these days, AG, you are going to find your own voice. When you do, it won't matter WHO is right there because you will have YOUR truth, and that will be all that matters. :hug:

[Bucky]

32. I try to say in as bland a voice as possible, "I don't think race jokes are funny"

Sometimes the tension of the moment forces a nervous smile out of me. That, of course, totally blows my game. But if you can keep a poker face, a direct, unemotional statement of disapproval works best.

The downside, of course, is that racists now consider me a wet blanket. But at least they know my boundaries and tend to respect them.

[Canuckistanian]

33. I usually don't say anything

But I mentally peg them as racists.

Then I never, ever trust them again.