Men prefer being solo over a bad marriage: study By Belinda Goldsmith

[heidler1]

Men prefer being solo over a bad marriage: study By Belinda Goldsmith
Mon Jun 2, 1:26 AM ET

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080602/lf_nm_life/books_bachelors_dc_2

SYDNEY (Reuters Life!) - Bachelor Carl Weisman got fed up of being classified as a playboy, a loser or a commitment-phobe so he set out to find out exactly why he and a growing number of eligible men were steering clear of marriage.

Weisman, 49, conducted a survey of 1,533 heterosexual men to research a book aiming to give women an insight into why some smart, successful men opted to stay single -- and help lifelong bachelors understand why they are still the solo man at parties.

He concluded that most men were not afraid of marriage -- but they were afraid of a bad marriage.

"Men are 10 times more scared of marrying the wrong person than of never getting married at all," Weisman told Reuters in a telephone interview.

"This is the first generation of people who have grown up with bad divorces. People assume there is something wrong if you don't marry but these are men who have made a different choice and not given in to social pressures."

The release of his book "So Why Have You Never Been Married? - Ten Insights into Why He Hasn't Wed," comes amid a growing trend for more people to stay single, with less social or religious pressures on men -- and women -- to tie the knot.

Weisman said U.S. figures showed that in 1980 about 6 percent of men aged in their early 40s had never married but this number had now risen to 17 percent.

AFRAID TO MAKE MISTAKES

Weisman said his online survey found there are three groups of bachelors -- about 8 percent who never want to marry, 62 percent want to marry but of which half won't settle for anything less than perfection, and about 30 percent who are on the fence.

Four out of 10 bachelors did not want children compared to three out of 10 wanting to be a father. The rest were undecided.

But while 72 percent of respondents said they were not afraid of marriage, about half of them said the situation that scared them most was marrying the wrong person.

"It's so important to these men to get it right. My best advice to single women after bachelors is to be patient. If you're in a hurry to get married you'll be frustrated," he said.

Weisman also found that financial issues, both positive and negative, played a large part in men's fear of commitment.

"Those with little money said they would have nothing to offer a partner, with some suffering self-esteem issues and withdrawing from the dating pool," said Weisman, an engineer-turned-author with two books now published.

"While those who are financially sound were terrified what a bad divorce could do to them."

Weisman said his research blew away any idea that single men were unhappy.

[DadOf2LittleAngels]

1. Articles prefer to be posted once rather than duped

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x3374086

[XemaSab]

2. Is that any different than why some women are single?

:shrug:

[treestar]

3. I was going to say, are they hinting women prefer a bad marriage

to being single. And note the condescending "advice" to women at the end, always presuming we will do anything to get married.

[Warpy]

5. I was about to say that

but this particular study was confined to men.

I remember when that bullshit Newsweek article about how women over 40 were more likely to get killed by a terrorist than remarry came out. I admit that headline made me jubilant, because the last thing I ever wanted was another marriage.

23 years down the road, my opinion has not changed.

[SacredCow]

4. I know quite a few guys on their 2nd and 3rd wives...

... obviously, they're not afraid of marriage or committment but then again they don't seem to be very good at them, either.

Mark me down as FIRMLY in the camp of "NEVER getting married again, under any circumstances." And before someone says "Oh, you'll change your mind in a couple of years- you'll be ready to marry again," It's been about 5 years now, and if anything, I'm more convinced that staying unmarried is the way to go.

[seabeyond]

9. i am in a good, easy marriage and i would never marry again. lol. n/t

[KansDem]

6. This is refreshing news...

I'm 55 and I can remember in my early teens suspecting that certain parents of acquaintances on the block were in "bad marriages." I would go over to their houses and there would be a kind of sullen, somber atmosphere where the parents never talked to each other, or the man was gone all the time (out "catin'" around).

I really felt depressed when I visited these families and always felt uneasy.

I would tend to believe the progress made in women's issues over the last several decades would certainly "free" a great many women from this kind of lifestyle, in addition to the men, who may have once thought marriage was the only option.

After all, it's all about the "pursuit of happiness."

[MonteLukast]

15. We need more stories like this, to counteract...

... some of the truly nauseating bullshit I've read over the last decade in support of marriage.

The "you're more likely to be killed by a terrorist" crowd hasn't gone away. They've just changed tactics. And they've been trying HARD to get us to go back to believing any marriage at all is best:

"Married people are less likely to suffer from serious psychological distress, and also less likely to smoke, drink heavily, and be physically inactive."

"A married man with heart disease can be expected to live, on average, 1400 days
(nearly four years!) longer than an unmarried man with a healthy heart."

... But do control your stomach turning long enough to see they ARE primarily talking about men.

"Women with the luck, skill, or emotional fortitude to have created highly satisfying marriages were simply in better health."
That one does tackle the women's point of view, and includes the caveat that it's highly satisfying marriages that do the trick.

... But still, it doesn't offer much solace to the single.

My point is, smart women tuned out those old eighties messages a long time ago. As they should have.
But when you imply we're putting our health in jeopardy, we're likely to sit up and pay attention.

They're trying. Really trying.

[Edweird]

7. I waited till I was 29 to get married...

and I still got it wrong. I was so sure she was *the one* that we got tattoos for wedding bands. Now 8 years later, I'm looking for tattoo removal - and my next ex-wife :evilgrin:....

[seabeyond]

dupe to a stupid study. n/t

[seabeyond]

8. no brainer. women prefer not to be in bad marriage too..... nongender preference. n/t

[Iris]

11. my thoughts exactly.

[seabeyond]

12. once again putting women in their place and creating false illusion male really

doesnt want or need marriage, .... all the poor pathetic female making these males get married......

bullshit

geeez if male isnt continually creating themselves as weak and helpless and victim when it comes to females....

more and more female are going to just say no... too.

[Iris]

13. yes, we certainly can't have evidence that marriage might be healty for both sexes

and even the children born into them! No, we've got to make sure someone always has the upper hand. :hi:

[seabeyond]

14. you know....

geeeesh

on edit:

how rude not to... :hi:
lol

[Kitty Herder]

10. People of BOTH genders prefer being single to being in a bad marriage.

That's why we have a little something called divorce. In fact, there is some evidence that women are more likely to seek an end to a bad marriage. "The National Center for Health Statistics reports that from 1975 to 1988 in the US, in families with children present, wives file for divorce in approximately two-thirds of cases. In 1975, 71.4% of the cases were filed by women, and in 1988, 65% were filed by women.
According to a study published in the American Law and Economics Review, women currently file slightly more than two-thirds of divorce cases in the US." (From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce )

This article pisses me off with its condescending tone towards women, as if all women are just dying to jump into marriage, while men are holding out for "perfection." So we better straighten out an become the bimbo of some asshole's dreams, it seems to be saying. I, myself, am a bachelorette who has avoided a few potential bad marriages by breaking off relationships before they got to that point.

[MonteLukast]

17. Have you got a strong stomach?

On the other hand, have you got a desire from some juicy piece of "consider the source"?

In perhaps the most ipecacic of these tomes imploring us to marry or lead sickly, shortened, wretched lives, you'll find this:

"Marriage allows men and women to specialize— to take on those parts of life's tasks, from developing an interesting social life to getting money out of insurance companies, that one person does better or enjoys more than the other. Though this specialization is often along traditional gender lines, it doesn't have to be."

Wow. So apparently, I'll be happier if I don't try to pick up new skills. That's what I hear from human resources types all the time, after all-- that I, and any workplace I'm hired in to, will all enjoy greater mental health if I just stay within my little niche of skills I've already had all my life, and am already the best at.
So it makes sense that I should take that advice in my personal life too. After all, it's just so stressful to grow all the time and to learn new things! Too much stretching produces too much cortisol! My blood sugar, my cholesterol! Aaaagghhh!

... Leaving aside the fact, naturally, that of course it's better if your "specialization" is along traditional gender lines. Because who's giving the advice? Why, Maggie Gallagher, of course!

Besides, particularly if your specialty is paid propaganda and gay disenfranchisment, it's the best thing for your mental health to stick to it.

[Kitty Herder]

18. Gag.

:puke:

At least all this propaganda is obvious to spot for what it is. But then again, this stupid yahoo story was in their most-emailed category.

[blondeatlast]

16. So would this WOMAN. Fortunately, Mr. B@L and I are quite content

and allow each other plenty of room.

[Brigid]

19. That's odd.

I've always felt that way. :eyes: