What kind of relationship do you have with your father?

[CoffeeCat]

With Father's Day fast approaching and fatherhood on the minds of many, can you tell us
what kind of relationship you have (had) with your father? If your father died,
you can still answer the poll, and tell us what your relationship was like.

Whether we're close with our fathers or not at all--what a powerful,
important relationship.

[ET Awful]

1. I haven't seen my father in over a decade, and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. n/t

[kestrel91316]

2. I haven't seen my dad since he died in 1980 at the ripe old age of

47, and I was 23, and it bothers me a great deal.

Be glad you have one to dislike.

[Hydra]

6. Be glad you had one you wish were here

Others of us have one we wish wasn't.

[ET Awful]

11. My father was never there, hit me regularly, was late to his own daughters funeral

and only came to his sisters funeral so he could leech money off my grandmother to put a new transmission in his truck (yet he oddly had enough money of his own to have plenty of weed to smoke while he was there).

I'm sorry your father passed away, but that's no reason for you to pass judgment on me about my feelings towards my father.

[kestrel91316]

19. Since when did I "pass judgement" on you???????

I suggested perhaps some gratitude and maybe seeing the glass as half full. That is not in any way passing judgement.

You owe me an apology when you get done potstirring.

[ET Awful]

28. I owe you nothing. You suggest that I should be grateful to have a father that hit me.

Sorry, I happen to disagree with you and I most definitely do NOT owe you an apology.

[MrCoffee]

30. You're wasting your keystrokes, ET

:hug:

[ET Awful]

31. Thank you and right back at you

:hug:

[MrCoffee]

13. I don't think I will be glad

When your father fractures your skull because you didn't give him the TV remote fast enough, there's not much there to be glad about.

[kestrel91316]

21. Was I talking to you?

[MrCoffee]

22. Ok then.

Have a great day! :hi:

[Clovis Sangrail]

3. my father and I weren't very close before my mother passed

now I'd say we are

I guess seeing one parent go can do that.

[Hydra]

4. Deadbeat

Don't miss him.

[Fredda Weinberg]

5. I honored him when he was alive, was there when his first aneurysm

left him helpless ... and kept his body going until my mother could decide what to do after his second brain bleed left him in a persistent vegetative state. I'd say it was a satisfying relationship.

I'd forgiven him all his weaknesses and faults ... but first, my mother had to explain that she married someone entirely different! That made everything better and I'm glad we had that conversation while I was still forming my own long-term relationships.

[MrCoffee]

7. Not close at all, which suits me just fine, thank you.

He liked hitting me with things.

[malaise]

8. I adored my father and he adored me

We both loved politics and our cricket team. Our relationship made me a self confident person since I was a pre-teen.

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

9. I left home at 15 to get away from my (step) father.

My real father was killed, shot to death, when I was 4. From all reports, he wasn't all that hot either..mean drunk.

[Tikki]

10. I didn't assigned one...but, my father-in-law...

that was one fine man.

Tikki

[HockeyMom]

12. My Dad apologized to me on his death bed

for making my childhood very miserable. He was an alcoholic. He did try to make up for it when my daughter was born. I am grateful for that.

Yes, I forgave him.

[jillan]

14. I had a wonderful father.

I was so proud to have him as my dad.

I miss him everyday since he's been gone.

[Mr. McD]

15. My father died when I was 4

No relationship was possible.

[mohinoaklawnillinois]

16. I adored my father and I miss him every day.

He died in 1991 and he was the original Nixon hater. He would have despised Chucklenuts and Cheney.

His influence on me is the reason I'm a life-long Democrat.

[Cerridwen]

17. I miss my dad.

I wrote this in response to another DUer's loss of their father when I noticed many of the posted experiences were similar.

------

From the moment of your father's death, time will seem suspended in amber only to pass in an instant. And you will grieve.

At first there is a gathering of family and friends. Jokes and stories abound. Maybe even some morbid humor as you get through the living that constitutes dying. Bittersweet memories of a loved one now gone.

The pain is so intense you won't feel it anymore. Days seem like minutes which take months to pass.

The family gathered will dispurse to their everyday lives and you will return to yours. Not gradually as you might like; but SMACK into the mundane every day which is your life. And you will grieve. And you will cope. And the weeks pass.

The pain is so intense; it's a knife in your gut; you can't breath, but you must. So you gasp.

Every morning you awake to the feeling of loss. Then you remember and you gasp.

Every thought, every feeling returns to your dad. As you work. As you drive. As you write checks for bills. A constant sharp pain where your dad once lived is ever present.

You hear a funny story and you reach for the phone. But he's not there to hear it and you gasp. Tears become a constant companion and threat. Ours is not a world which honors the grieving. So you swallow your tears and move on.

You need your best advisor for a major decision. "I'll have to check with my dad" almost escapes your lips as you swallow and tell the person in front of you, "I'll have to get back to you on that." You feel numb.

You can't remember his face. And you cry for what you've lost. Pouring over old family photos you vow to etch his face in your mind. But you don't. You can't remember his face. You feel fear. Then shame. Then numb.

One morning you awaken and finish your coffee before the feeling of loss returns. You feel guilt you forgot. The pain stabs you in the gut and you gasp.

One day you hear a funny story and think "my dad would have loved that" and you smile through the tears. And you cry as you laugh.

The next morning you awake to a pain so intense you can't breath. You remember and you cry.

Months down the road as you face another decision, you think, "I wonder what my dad would have done?" You smile with a bittersweet memory of your dad's words ringing through you head. And you breathe.

Days later you awake and remember you dreamt of your dad. And you smile.

One day as you're driving down the road, the pain hits so hard you have to pull over and scream and cry and rage at the world. Then you breathe.

Weeks later as you're working in your garden, unbidden your father's face comes to you. You gasp. Then you smile. Then you cry.

The next morning you awake to your father's face in your mind. And you smile. Then you breathe. Then you smile and you go on.

-------

My dad died in 1989 after a 7 year battle with cancer. Those last seven years gave us time to heal old wounds and misunderstandings. We weren't what some people would consider close, but we were proud of each other and we loved each other. I still have moments when I can't stop the pain or the tears.

[PassingFair]

71. That was really beautiful, Cerridwen...

I loved my father very much.

He died after a two-year dance with ALS...

I'm at the point where I remember his life and not his
death.

It took a long time to get there, and sometimes... I still gasp.

[Cerridwen]

72. Thank you, PassingFair.

Getting to that point seems harder on some days than others.

It's been almost 20 years, and yeah, sometimes... I still gasp.

[Pathwalker]

18. He's dead. Since 1976.

Was not allowed alone with him from the age of 3.

[SeattleGirl]

20. My father passed away 31 years ago. We had an almost love/hate

relationship, because he was an alcoholic.

When he drank, he could be just horrible.

When he was sober, he was pretty wonderful, and while I saw and experienced some bad things from him, I also saw and experienced and LEARNED some very good things from him.

And to this day, I miss him.

[Dervill Crow]

57. You described my relationship with my dad to a "T."

He died 14 years ago.

[Bennyboy]

23. My father is a prick.........

Still is one. When I was 12 he pulled a gun on me over my checkbook. Over the years he did this so many times that I have not one clear memory of one incident, it is more like a composite of all of them. At least once a week I have nightmares about them.

Over the years he has threatened to get a gun and everytime I have taken him down. He has done this with my kids too. Of course his version is that I beat him but I only made sure he could not get to the gun he was motioning for. I never hit him in his face or kicked him, I just stopped him from going for the guns.

The other day I was with him and he got all pissed off and said "are you going to beat me up again?" and I FINALLY told him "I never beat you, when you pulled a gun on me when I was twelve, after that, it was game on". "I only stopped you from getting a gun, I never beat your ass like I should have". Harsh words I know, but it was something I had waited for forty years to say and IT FELT SO FUCKING GOOD.

Since then I cannot esacape the nightmares of him pointing the gun at me however.

BTW, this is really nothing. My father hs done some horrible shit to me. Got me in trouble with the IRS for 80 grand. Stole a business from me. Got me fired from at least five jobs. Delibereatly tried to break up my marriage. etc.

My brother moved to Montana just to get away from him in the last few months. now he is 82 and totally insane and he is very violent.

[Breeze54]

63. -------------> *hugs*

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Bennyboy]

65. Thanks a lot.......Something my father nor my Mother have ever done...HUGS....

Thanks...

[OzarkDem]

24. He died when I was 9

and I would give anything to have him back.

Though there may be exceptions, always appreciate your parents when you have them. Forgive past grudges and try to love them.

[Semi_subversive]

25. My dad just turned 79

and I wouldn't trade him for anything. I live just a coouple miles away so I get to see my parents often. They're both Dems and we had our fun sparring since they were Hillary supporters. But he always treated me fairly and never forced an opinion on me and always told me to question authority (except his) when I felt something was not right. I've been lucky.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

26. My father is deceased

He left my life at age 7 or so, and I never saw him again. My mother forbid me from seeing any of his relatives as well. I know now that my father was a mentally unstable criminal, but I do have some fond memories of him. I post this because somehow my answer didn't fit in the poll.

[orleans]

27. i miss my dad. we had a real good relationship. we fought and got along

we had quiet talks, shared dreams and hopes. we laughed together a lot. he worked hard for his family--which i took for granted for years of my childhood and teen years. i was an adult when he died. he was a trusted friend, very devoted. great guy.

i know i was very lucky.

[GirlieQ]

29. I always got the feeling that my Da is a good person

But he let my mentally unstable mother screw up my, and my two brothers' childhoods. Mum can't even remember half the crap she pulled, and denies a lot of it (as if us siblings don't all remember the same things). I wish that things had been different, and I've been working on forgiving them, but I still wouldn't let them watch my kitten kiddos if my husband and I were gone for the weekend. I always have such conflicting opinions about him. Maybe he'd be better off if he'd just divorce my mother. Maybe he really is happy and is just so socially awkward that we don't notice. Maybe he is actually a robot. It seems like every time I try to have an actual relationship with him there's such a lack of trust on my side and lack of respect on his side that we just can't ever meet.

I'll probably go over on Father's Day and make nice though. Poor hubby. We had to eat over there last week for my birthday. Hubby didn't sign on for seeing them that often.

[LWolf]

32. I hardly knew him.

He died when I was 21; I spent a few days with him when I was 7, and a few months with him when I was 16. Other than that, we had no contact of any kind.

[GodlessBiker]

33. My father is Archie Bunker. A cordial relationship is just fine.

[China_cat]

34. No category for 'I don't know who my father is'?

My mother was raped and here I am.

[samplegirl]

35. My father was my best friend

and has been dead for 10yrs. now. All I can say is I owe everything I am today to my Dad. He was a great man and inspired all the wonderful things that I possess in his memory daily.

[Kahuna]

36. My father passed in 2000. But we were best buds. I was Daddy's little

girl until he died. :cry: Can ya'll tell I'm a brat? :P

[40ozDonkey]

37. I moved to South Florida to be closer to my mom & dad, he'll be 78 in Oct.

(When I was born he was in his mid-40's)

He never got home before 6 or 7pm when I was a kid so I only really saw him a few hours a night, but now that he's retired and I'm older we get to spend a lot more time together. Last week I picked him up from the airport and he joked about how fun it is for him that now *I* have to drive him everywhere; we had a laugh. I'm gonna see him for lunch on Sunday.

He saw me graduate and get married, now he's waiting for a grandkid and as soon as I get my finances together I won't disappoint. I'm more concerned about completing that trifecta than he is, I know, but it's important to me for some reason.

[blues90]

38. I don't know what I really thought of my father

We were not close , he was funny , he tought me how to build a house since he was a carpenter but he put me to work at 7 working with him every summer. He could talk and be decent then turn on a dime , there was this look in his eye's that told me here it comes.

He used his firsts and a belt and nothing was ever good enough.

He died in 1990 at 73 , for the last few years I did not call anymore because I was sick of his judging and arguing ways.

I think all he ever wanted were workers not children and a family. We never once went out to dinner or movies as a family ,in his words , it was unecessary.

Who the hell knows , you don't get to pick your parents.

[Breeze54]

39. I followed my Dad around like a lost puppy as a kid, I was afraid of him as a teen...

.... and I learned to have conversations with him and truly feel close to him as an EQUAL, when he and I got older. He was very protective of me to the point of smothering me, when I was a younger and I mean in my mid 20's and beyond!! I don't think I could do any wrong in his eyes, even when I did, he helped me out and forgave me. I could always depend on him. Always.... and he was always there for me and was very kind and funny and shared his 'opinions' of my other siblings and used to wink at me when they would go on and on and bitch about life. He'd wink at me because we both agreed that they were off their collective rockers and he was supportive of me more than ever, when he reached the point that he wouldn't be living much longer. I miss his friendship and support daily. :( He was probably more liberal than ever, when he was in his 80's and 90's. He was a trip!! You'd all have liked him and his orneriness! He was a very loving father and he cared about his neighbors and was very generous with his children. More than generous and when he lent me $1800.00 once and I was paying him $300.00 a month? I found all those un-cashed checks. He didn't care about the money. Showed me he cared about me and his grandkids more. :loveya:

[HamdenRice]

40. You are missing a category

I had an extremely close relationship with my father before he died in 2001. But it was a close and complicated relationship. I think that's the category that's missing. Well, heck, it's simply too complicated to put in a poll.

On edit: I really hadn't read the thread and seen what kind of complicated answers people gave, so I should elaborate.

I adored both of my parents, although I don't think they lived lives that were of the potential they could have had in terms of happiness.

My father was born a peasant farmer in Virginia, the son of nearly illiterate tobacco farmers. Because of segregation, there was no opportunity for education beyond the 7th grade, his highest grade in a one room school house. He moved to New York, following his older sister, but was shortly thereafter drafted into World War II. Because of his performance on intelligence tests, he was assigned to the ground crews of the 332nd Fighter Group -- the famous Tuskeegee Airmen. The black officers were, as he used to tell it, extremely nice to their enlisted men, and they gave him a huge amount of advice about making his way in the world.

After the war, he came back to New York. He got a job cleaning toilets in the NYC subway system as a porter. He eventually rose to the top of the system, constantly going back to school, and eventually supervising the stations division from Times Square to Brooklyn and mentoring hundreds of African American civil servants. (If you know New York's geography, he supervised the heart of the system -- and for longer than anyone has ever done that burn out job.)

He always worked nights -- evening rush hour and swing shift -- so he was rarely home for dinner, but it meant he was home during the day, and he picked me up from school for lunch almost every day until high school, and we had lunch at my house before he drove me back to school.

He was one of the smartest people I ever knew, but like many of his generation, he simply worked too hard to be fully happy.

[XOKCowboy]

41. My dad was one of the finest men that ever walked this earth

Of course I hated his guts in high school and moved out the day after I graduated. That lasted about a year before we both wised up a little. Typical huh?

He taught me the meaning of respect, manners and integrity when I was very young. He taught me that black people were just people and the n word never passed his lips (in rural Oklahoma in the 60s!). He was against the Vietnam War (WW2 Navy vet who served in Okinawa) and told me he'd support me if I tried to avoid the draft. He quit a very lucrative job when the seed company he worked for started selling pesticides (Silent Spring really scared him) and never used them on our ranch (same with growth hormones in the cattle we raised). He was also a natural born salesman and could talk to anybody for 5 minutes and then bump into them 10 yrs later and would know their name and those of all their family. He was quite a guy.

I inherited my love for travel from him and some of my fondest memories are of him loading up his old pickup with that drafty old camper, driving up to Denver to pick me up and we'd just spend a week or two driving, fishing and camping throughout the West. We did this for 5 straight years before he couldn't drive long distances safely anymore. He was a great storyteller and had degrees in Agronomy and Botany and would spend hours talking about the plant life we saw as we went along (and how it fit into the local ecosystem) or we'd just listen to Bob Wills on the cassettes I'd made for him. At night around the campfire he'd talk about his life, people he'd met, things he wished he'd done different, things he hoped that I would do in the future. We got pretty close. I am and he was ever so grateful that we took those trips. I only got to see him 2-3 times a year the last years of his life but we always had those trips to remember and talk about.

Pop had over 300 people show up for his funeral and we never published it in any obituaries. Word of mouth only. He's buried 100 yds from the chair he died in. It's a pretty little spot he picked out on top of a little hill overlooking the houses, barns and pens on one side and the pond and pastures he so lovingly cared for all of his life on the other. He asked not to be embalmed and just buried in a pine box. Friends brought up backhoes and dug his grave for free, another friend made him a nice pine box and 8 of his closest friends lowered him down into the grave using 4 brand new ropes. Another friend carved his name, dates and a picture of him riding his mule on a huge native sandstone rock we found on our place for a headstone. Now 6 yrs later you can barely notice there's a grave beneath it. He's returned literally to the earth he loved so much which is exactly what he wanted. He told me so around one of those campfires on our travels.

Happy Father's Day Pop.

[MedleyMisty]

42. My father died when I had just turned seven

I didn't have him very long and didn't get to know him really well. My mother says that I'm just like him, though.

I remember on Sunday evenings he'd get out his guitar and play for us - he was in a bluegrass band before I was born. I had a Strawberry Shortcake guitar and I'd play along and sing into a hairbrush.

He taught me how to play chess when I was a toddler - he and my mother would play for hours and hours.

He washed my face every morning before school.

When I was six, he brought home a My Little Pony for me. I said "I already have this one!" He said that I had so many that he didn't know and I thought I'd hurt his feelings and I started crying and telling him that I liked the one he got me better - I still have it in pristine condition. The other one got painted on and marked on and thoroughly abused and eventually lost.

I remember sitting in a chair a couple of days after he died when the house was full of people, holding that pony and another he'd gotten for me.

He was a gentle man. He was introverted like me - my mother says that he would hide in the basement when people came over if he didn't feel like talking to them and that he'd get up and leave if guests stayed around too long. And he loved nature like I do - he would go out hunting but he could never kill a deer. He just loved the woods.

I know down deep that he loved me unconditionally. So does my mother, who is amazing and did a great job raising me after he died - she gave me a black opal ring with a diamond over the opal, saying that the black was her life after Daddy died and the diamond was me.

I remember how she cried and moaned and howled after he died and I colored a two page spread in my Care Bears coloring book and wrote "Cheer up" on it and put it on the bathroom mirror for her to see.

I didn't cry until her father's funeral, six months later.

Wow - I don't think I've ever realized how hard her life has been. And to still be such a great mother....

Anyway - what I do remember of my father is warm and kind and gentle. He was a good man.

I got damn lucky when it comes to parents.

[TXDemGal]

43. My dad died 3 years ago this Sunday

which also happens to be Father's Day this year. He was 1 month shy of his 78th birthday when he died. He actually wasn't a very good father and we weren't especially close. I wish that he'd been a better daddy and we'd been closer.

Happy Father's Day to all the papas out there.

[femmocrat]

44. I really miss my dad....

although we weren't really close. He was one of those hard-working guys who kept to himself, didn't say much, and just provided for his family. I wish I had known him better, but I never really knew what to talk to him about.

He was a wonderful grandfather, though. In his later years, I got to know him a little better when he had more time for us. It's a shame that we missed so much time together.

[marions ghost]

45. My Dad is 80 going on 16

even tho he has 4 kids of his own & grandchildren, he has so many other fans and people he's adopted (or vice versa) that it can be annoying. We kids call him things like "pied piper, chick magnet, social butterfly," --names of famous schmoozers come to mind...Young women wink at him for no good reason (that "je ne sais quoi") and all the time people ask to be remembered to him. When I go out with him somewhere in public it takes forever because he interacts with every single person he runs across. I learned a long time ago that Dad's job in life is to be an entertainer and also something like a roving ambassador of goodwill. His says his approach is the same as when he was a newspaper reporter--he "asks people about their favorite topic, themselves." (and then maybe he gets an opening to talk about his favorite topics, thoughts, and opinions). He could have been a Bill Clintonesque politician. Our Dad is always shared with the Many.

In early childhood it was like being raised by Mr. Rogers (imaginative and a great story teller & he didn't bother to discipline us--dream dad) --add a dash of the vintage clown--like Jerry Lewis or Red Skelton. Impish twinkly blue eyes & jug ears he still looks like an aging Alfred E Neuman. One of my earliest memories was when he pulled a wooden egg out of my ear. He knew exactly how to impress 3 to 5-year olds. Dad was a good writer and journalist but absolutely hopeless at anything practical which did not go well with my mother and she divorced him when the litter was in their teens & 20's. We couldn't blame her but nevertheless we remained charmed by Dad. Not everybody is raised by "a real character." Nowdays it's still all about fun when Dad's around. No productive work will be done, but we will talk about the state of the universe and Aunt Rose's third son who I never met. We'll philosophize, gossip, tell stories and laugh in the Eternal Now. I have to overlook Dad's many annoying characteristics like arriving for a visit with all the wrong clothes and a suitcase full of exploded shaving cream. He taught me to always consider the bigger picture.

[kdmorris]

46. I always had my father on a pedastal

I worshiped the ground he walked on when I was a kid. But, as many such relationships do, it was bound to come to an end. As I grew to a teenager, I started to realize that my father was human and, instead of being happy about that, I was really feeling very betrayed. My teen years were so bad. I still respected my father, but I just wanted to grow up and "be my own person".

My father wasn't perfect, but the way I acted as a teenager colored things so badly for he and I for 15 years. I didn't think he loved me anymore and he thought he was a shitty father (I found that out later).

Then...my oldest daughter turned 16 and all hell broke loose. She was WAY worse than I ever was, but, man, it hurt when she flipped out. She ran away from home at 17 (3 years ago) and I called my father that night and I asked him for advice. And he said he "didn't feel qualified to give me advice because he had screwed up so badly with me". I was so shocked I almost couldn't speak. My father is a great guy, albeit somewhat weird in his thinking. And he really did do the best he could with all of us.

I am so thankful that he and I managed to get back together, to talk to each other again. If he had died before I could tell him how sorry I was that I was a rotten teenager or how much I still loved him, I don't think I would have ever been able to forgive myself. So, I'm glad that we get this chance, that many people don't get.

I think my dad and I could be closer, still, but it's a little hard when I live in South Florida and he lives in Southern California. I call him as often as I can. He found out he had Diabetes after I found out, so now we talk a lot about that, too.

[cynatnite]

47. My father abandoned me when I was seven years old...so it wasn't that important n/t

[paparush]

48. My father left when I was 18 mos old and never returned.

Zero contact with him until I was 23 when I tracked him down.
A few years later, he basically drank himself to death.
Vietnam Vet who never truly recovered from the war.

[galledgoblin]

49. I get along well with my dad

better now that I'm an adult, but I also don't get to see him too often anymore.

when I settle down and have a home or at least a non-studio apartment, I'm thinking of starting a long-term project with him to restore an old motorcycle with sidecar. I've always kind of wanted one and want to learn more about the ins and outs of engines, and he loves restoring old cars so this would be a new challenge for him.

[BuelahWitch]

50. Never knew the man

He lived and died without me ever meeting him. That was his choice. I don't think I missed anything. Who wants to be with someone when you're not wanted?
I have a half brother I would like to meet, but I wrote him and never heard anything back.

[pink-o]

51. Wow--so many with bad paternal experiences! Sometimes I forget how lucky I am.

My Dad is 84, and he pretty well tolerated all my foibles cuz my mother made him! He's probably the first one to call me a "Pinko" during the Vietnam war--he's a WWII vet, very pro-military, very Repub, thought Reagan was the best prez ever. So you can see where conflict might arise.

He's also not warm and fuzzy--unlike my mother, to whom I was so close I felt like she was one of my best friends. Losing Mom last year has brought my dad and I closer, and he's coping with her death better than she would have with his, so I guess there's something to be said for emotional defences.

I still go see him every week, go for drives and out to dinner with him, and I gave him my cat to keep him company (my mother didn't like the responsibility or extra dirt of house pets). Every time I come thru his door, I yell "TURN OFF THAT DAMNED FOX NEWS!" regardless if the TV is on or not. He just laughs at me.

I have a feeling that memory is gonna be real hard to deal with once he's gone.

Anyway, my mom's passing left me with this thought: Life is too short to fight with your family. Unless your father is a danger to you like some of these posters have said (and I'm so sorry, you have my sympathies!) it might not be a bad idea to try and repair any fractured relationship. Not for his sake--but for yours. One day, you won't have a chance, and you'll have to live with the regret that you can't ever talk to your dad and make up again.

My father drives me nuts sometimes, he tells me the same stories about his life over and over like it's the first time I've ever heard them. But I listen raptly, because he's given so much to me, and I want him to know I value him as a person.

And then sometimes, he'll throw in a story I've never heard before--and then I realise it's worth everything just to have him with me, talking away. Take everything you can from your parental relationships, it'll give you the ability to go on after they're gone.

[XOKCowboy]

67. Thank you. Excellent post

My younger brother held a grudge all his life against our mother for leaving when he was 3. It was only when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (he was in his mid-40s) did he soften his opinion a bit but it was only about a year after her death that he broke down and admitted his regret at not ever telling her that he forgave her and loved her.

It's never too late to make up with your parents (unless as you said they were abusive). It will make you both feel better. Thanks for the post.

[Maestro]

52. Unfortunately, I do not have a good one.

I've tried, but just recently we had another blow-up.

Last fight

Father's Day is going to be strange this year.

[ccharles000]

53. May my dad burn in hell.

My dad

-when he found out that my sis was dating a black guy he told them he was going to kill them. So they broke up.

-Does crack and drinks way too much.

-beat my mom and stole alot of money from her.

-told me if I was gay he would beat my ass. I am now afraid of telling him.

-Has been in jail most of his life.

He has been in SC for a year now and we have only heard from him from time to time. My mom is with someone who loves her and my dad is very jealous so much so that he hit him(the boyfriend) with a brick. I am pretty sure he (dad) is in a homeless shelter. I hope he stays there and does not come back to NC.

[underseasurveyor]

54. my dad was killed when i was 13 months old

but i feel as though i have a very great sense of him through stories of friends and family that knew him best and no doubt he was the best of dads and would have continued to be the best had he not been taken at such a young age, 29 y/o.

Happy Fathers Day Dad
I Love You SO MUCH and i know you have watched over me all these years. Say hey to Papa & Granma for us.
:loveya:

[Feron]

55. I'm fortunate to have a fantastic dad.

I wish everyone could be as lucky as I am.

[Juche]

56. cordial but I don't want any closeness

My dad was rarely/never emotionally or physically abusive and he is a good provider who always made sure we had enough material goods in the sense that I could always see a doctor and always had food and gas money. But he was either at work or when he wasn't at work he was working in the yard so there was no actual father-son relationship there.

So he was a decent father in the sense that he wasn't a destructive influence in my life and provided material comfort, but not very emotionally mature of available. When I have suffered severe emotional trauma he either wasn't there or wasn't mature enough to really understand what was going on.

So he was a good father, but not someone I am emotionally close to or want to be close to.

I really barely know the guy, and that bothers me.

[MrSlayer]

58. My Dad is the greatest person in the history of the world.

Seriously. Excellent dude, the top of the heap, no one better.

[TahitiNut]

59. Well, after I slugged him in the jaw and broke his dentures ... not bad.

Drunk ... came after me (again) ... I let loose from the hip. I was 21. He was 47. I put his unconscious body in bed. He woke the next morning. Nothing was said.
It was the last time I hit anyone, ever.
Parents divorced when I was 8 ... he skipped out on support ... long story.

Not everyone grew up in a Leave It To Beaver 4x3 universe. :shrug:

[ObamaTime2008]

60. Horrible Father

Haven't seen him in almost 30 years and hope I never see him again. Pedophile, with all the girls in the family and his own step-daughter too. Don't know if he's still alive, don't really care.

[davidpdx]

61. Much like Russert, my father died at a young age

he was 55. Today would have been his 60th birthday. It's almost ominous that Russert died the day before my father's birthday and just short of the five year anniversary of my father's death. We were never particularly close, my parents divorced when I was 7 and I saw my father a few times a year. We spent two years estranged from each other from 1999-2001 and eventually started talking again.

[Hekate]

62. We come from so many different kinds of families here. I am glad for those with good memories,but...

...I relate to those with bad or ambiguous memories.

My life split along a couple of fault-lines. My childhood was okay -- we were kinda poor, but in the 1950s everyone thought they were middle class, so it was okay. My mom managed to be a stay at home mom to us 4 kids until I was about 14, and after that I babysat the others after school.

Mom was the real influence on me -- warm and loving, highly intelligent and well-read, funny -- and hypercritical of me. Dad was emotionally distant, socially shy, highly intelligent and well-read, made puns -- and secretly abusive of me. I kept the family secrets. I was good at it. I was a good daughter.

I thought I was the only one he abused, and it was a central mystery of my life -- how this good man could have done this bad thing. Keeping the secrets and not knowing -- that made me unable to protect my daughter before he abused her. Later it was revealed by a cousin of his that he was a serial pedophile, probably going back to his late teens.

It was as an adult that my life cracked open along these fault-lines -- my father whom I declared dead to me, my mother that I loved, my daughter that I didn't protect, my self.

He died 13 years ago. I was not sorry, but I did not rejoice. Nor did I want to act out my mother's rage for her -- rage that she turned against me in the years before she died herself. I guess I ceased being a good daughter.

My youngest brother, now a man of 51, has our father's ashes in a box in his living room. Last time I saw him he jovially told us all that when he watches football on tv he puts the box on the couch next to him and a shot of whiskey on top of it. He knows. He knows, but he wasn't the one who was abused and his own daughter was born years after our old man died. So he has this pretend-father whose spirit watches football with him. I could tell him I know about pretending, but he doesn't talk to me any more.

Life is strange. Life is strange. But we make our own choices as best we can and we go on.

I love my kids and my husband, who is their stepdad. Neither of us was the parent we imagined we would be, nor were the kids the way we imagined they would be. I was going to be wise, loving, and ever-patient and they weren't going to be hellish little rebels. But now they are 32 and 30 and we have all been in process of repair for quite a few years. We have a 3 1/2 year old grandson who is the joy of our lives -- our chance to really play.

I recognized a decade ago that this isn't the life I thought I would have -- but it is the life I have, with all its complexity. I gave life to a son and daughter, and through them, a grandson -- and strangely enough, there are two men (my ex-husband the bio-dad and my husband the step-dad) who probably would not be celebrating this Father's Day if not for me.

And as for my own father and mother -- I myself would not be alive if not for them. I sound like my mother when I speak. I look just like a feminine version of my father.

Hekate

[marions ghost]

64. Reading over this thread I

can't help but notice how many here either never knew their Dad, or didn't have a good relationship with him.

What strikes me as positive though, is that most responding seem to be at least able to face the truth about their Dad, distance from negativity about their past and move on, not without a lot of effort I'm sure. But still, the will to overcome is strong here.

Several posters seem to be trying hard to be better Dads to their own children than their Dad was to them. The times have changed. Still a lot of pressure on people but Dads can be themselves now more than they used to before. It's one way to heal.

Here's to all those better Dads :toast:

And here's to all those who have overcome their own Dad's shortcomings and absences :toast:

[Kahuna]

69. And I'm impressed with how well people with bad relationships turned out..

I too toast to those who have overcome their own Dad's shortcomings and absences. :toast:

[bigwillq]

66. I think we are as close as we can be.

I guess we could be closer, and I guess it could be worse.

I feel we have just about the right relationship.

[Arkana]

68. My father's awesomeness is exceeded only by my mother's.

I've always been close with him, despite the fact that I don't share a lot of his interests--and I always will.

[Lex]

70. My dad's a DU'er!

And also has always been an EXCELLENT Dad. :loveya:

[Skittles]

73. he killed himself when he was 50 n/t

[Blue_In_AK]

74. A difficult question for me.

My father passed away in 1994. When I was young, 7 and 8, my brother and my mother were each killed in separate accidents a year apart. While I'm sure my father thought he was doing the right thing for me by "moving on," we never did talk at all about my brother and my mother after their passing, so that my memories of them were basically lost. My father remarried within a year after my mother's death and we moved from Ohio to Colorado, so that I lost touch with the large extended family on my mother's side, as well (who were none too happy with my father for remarrying so soon after my mother's death).

Because of this, I always felt a distance between me and my father, some subjects that couldn't be talked about. Maybe I was as guilty as he was ... he might have been more willing to reminisce when he grew older, but by then I didn't know how to raise the topic. I wish he were here now to fill in the gaps in my life.

[MikeH]

75. I have very mixed memories and feelings about my dad

First of all, my dad would be considered to have been a quintessential suburban, upper-middle class father. He was an electrical engineer, and worked hard all his life, and was an excellent provider for his family. And he did many good things for his family. I remember many pleasant times with him. When he was in a good mood he could be quite pleasant and fun to be with. And he often helped me with things like schoolwork. So he was certainly far from being the worst father anybody ever had.

That being said, however, it is also true that my dad sometimes behaved in ways that I would now have to consider abusive, especially emotionally and psychologically (though I did receive my share of spankings as a kid). Many times if I made an honest mistake, or honestly forgot something, or something did not quite measure up to his standards he would treat it as if I had committed a crime or a heinous sin. He would decide in Godlike fashion that I needed to be treated or talked to in a certain way http://www.nospank.net/fyog.htm">for my own good. And he was often very insensitive and very poor in understanding, or even trying to understand, from my point of view, some sensitive issue or something that I was struggling with or upset about. He would often lecture me and say things that showed such a complete lack of understanding. And my dad would almost always regard it as a problem with me if I were upset or angry with something he said or did; he would not want to consider the possibility that anything he said or did could have done any harm, or that my relationship with him could be a problem for me.

My dad seemed to feel that because of all the good things he did and how hard he worked, he could do no wrong, and that being the head of the house and father of his children gave him certain arbitrary privileges (though he would deny that that was the case).

My dad died of leukemia in 1985 when he was 63, shortly before my 35th birthday. Prior to the onset of his disease he had looked forward to retiring at the age of 65. He took an early retirement due to his illness, and I did spend some pleasant times with him the last few months he was alive. He was in a terminally ill state about a month before he died, and spent the last three weeks of his life in a hospital. It was very sad and heartbreaking to see him in a hospital bed, and seeing his condition grow worse until he lost consciousness and died. I do feel bad for him that he was not going to be able to enjoy his retirement that he had so looked forward to.

I came to realize the full extent as to how angry I still was at my dad a little over a year after he died, after the normal grief had worn off. I came to realize that much of his behavior was actually abusive; i.e. it was not just something wrong with me that I was often angry with and resented things he said and did. Once I realized this I realized I had reached a point from which there was no turning back. I could no longer pretend that I thought my dad was basically pretty wonderful, though he had some faults. He was actually at times abusive and disrespectful.

I spent a lot of time in therapy dealing with the many issues regarding my dad, and my feelings toward him and my relationship with him, and how that affected me when I was young. I have often wondered what my life would have been like if he had lived longer, or if I had confronted him and stood up to him the way I wish I had been able to. I wonder, for instance, if I would have had to do without any more financial help from my parents (with either my dad, or myself, making the decision).

I have done many things that I had long wanted to do, both personally and professionally, in the years after my dad died. And I have come to have a much better sense of my own thoughts and feelings, and what I am willing and not willing to do for or accept from other people. In particular, I now have my own feelings about political issues, for instance, which I did not have as a young man when my dad was alive. All of this has been helpful to me in enabling me to ease my feelings of anger which I had had for a long time about my dad.

I had been a Christian as a young man while my dad was alive. Along with my realization, after my dad's death, that much of my dad's behavior was actually abusive, I also came to the realization that being a Christian, and supposedly having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, had been of no help to me in enabling me to deal with my dad, or with anything else that had been a source of pain, frustration, or unhappiness in my life. I eventually parted company with the Christian faith, and feel as certain as I do of anything that that was the right and healthy thing for me to do.

It is because of my difficult and painful relationship with my dad that I have become an advocate of the work of http://www.alice-miller.com/">Alice http://www.naturalchild.com/alice_miller/">Miller, who herself is an advocate for the (almost universally mistreated) child each of us once was. And I also think that the commandment to unconditionally "honor your father and mother", which in the Biblical text does not make any exceptions if a parent is abusive or neglectful, is an example of something in the Bible that is definitely wrong, even though it is attributed to God and has long been accepted as something lying in the heart of our traditional morality. I have at times spoken out against the commandment in the Religion/Theology forum. And anybody who advocates displaying the Ten Commandments in public places might just as well tell me to my face that it was my duty to gladly and gratefully accept all the "loving" rebukes from my dad, supposedly http://www.nospank.net/fyog.htm">for my own good.

[Missy Vixen]

76. I'm joining a large group

My dad was a very violent alcoholic who wasn't interested in having children. He and my mother didn't know much about birth control, either. I arrived eleven months after they were married.

To say that I wish things had been different was an understatement. He died in 1983.

Julie

[stillcool]

77. I never lived with my Dad..

so I never really knew him.

[w8liftinglady]

78. my dad's an alcoholic.I'm an alcoholic

i haven't seen him since 1980.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

79. My dad is 88, almost 89

and he's getting more and more frail, but his mind is still sharp. We argued a lot when I was a kid; as time went on we learned to get along. He's a Republican (though not a truly crazy one), and over the years we've agreed to disagree and not talk politics. He's always been there for us kids, financially and just for advice, even now. He's a great dad.