The most pressing issue of our age

[theboss]

http://smalltimehacks.wordpress.com

The glorious thing about the Internet is, of course, the free porn.

Second to that, of course, is the freedom it provides to writers. Anyone who has written for a newspaper has experienced the joy of compressing the entire history of the Big Dig into 600 words. Online, you can write all you want until you bore every single last one of your readers. (Current readership: 1).

But in print, space is sacred, and it is important to best utilize that space in a way that delivers hard-hitting content to your readers. The two most sacred spaces in any newspaper is the top right of the front page and the space for the lead editorial on the Op/Ed Page.

One can only imagine how sacred that space is when you inexplicably do not publish a Sunday Paper. That is just six days a week to make your points.

Therefore, one can clearly assume that the most pressing issue in Harrisonburg, Virginia is a pissing match between two directors. Take it away, Daily News Record.

Clint vs. Spike
And ‘Pigmentational Bean Counting’

Shakespeare invented approximately 1,700 words. The Daily News Record is now 1,699 behind.

The recent dust-up between filmmakers Clint Eastwood and Spike Lee is mildly entertaining, yet sadly illustrative of the extent to which identity politics has permeated the cinematic arts.

I think we can all agree that it is neither entertaining nor illustrative. What it may demonstrate is how desperate the right-wing press is for new a bogeymen. Spike Lee hasn’t been relevant since 1994, and that was for arguing with Reggie Miller. I look forward to the next editorial chastising Alan Alda.

In case you haven’t heard, Mr. Lee took Mr. Eastwood to task for not featuring any black soldiers in his 2006 movie “Flags of Our Fathers.” Why he waited until now to do so escapes us — every bit as much that a cutaway frame of “Flags” did noticeably contain black soldiers apparently escaped Mr. Lee’s hypersensitive glance.

To be honest, I hadn’t heard, and I live for nonsense like this. My life was emptier ten minutes ago. It was a darker time. Also, this is apparently not quite what happened. According to the New York Times, Spike (he’s Spike to pals like me) complained about a lack of black actors in war movies, and used Clint’s two movies on Iwo Jima as an example.

By the way, did you know that Spike Lee is 51 years old? I bet that just caused you to whistle inadvertently, didn’t it?

Never one to mince words, Mr. Eastwood, dusting off his “Dirty Harry” persona, rather indelicately told Mr. Lee to “shut his face.” Then, in a calmer moment, he noted that “Flags” was meant to be the story of the six men shown raising Old Glory atop Iwo Jima in Joe Rosenthal’s iconic World War II photo.

Let’s guess the last movie collectively seen by the DNR editorial board. I vote for 1982’s Firefox.

None of them, of course, were black, though one (Ira Hayes) was a Native American. So it can hardly be said, without evidence, that Mr. Eastwood purposely excluded blacks from his film.

I’m glad that we have now not only forgotten the larger point made by my buddy Spike, but we have now dragged the poor Native Americans into this. Haven’t they suffered enough? Ira Hayes died in a ditch for God’s sake. Now he is being drug around as proof that Clint Eastwood has mad love for minorities.

I will say this: if Clint Eastwood had cast Ryan Reynolds as Ira Hayes, Spike Lee would have a hell of a point right now.

But such is the rigid gamut even filmmakers must run in this era of “pigmentational bean-counting,” when people are viewed less as individuals and more as members of tribes. The implication, of course, is only that members of a particular race or tribe can truly tell its story.

Is that really the implication? I don’t think it is. Spike wanted Eastwood to include black actors in his casts. Presumably, this would mean that Eastwood would have to tell their story unless he was going to hire Spike to do some second unit directing. And to be honest, I would rather see a movie about Spike Lee doing second unit directing for Clint Eastwood than just about anything else that Hollywood will produce in the next year. Except for the new GI Joe movie.

Such an “identity” bias may be at the core of Mr. Lee’s ongoing beef with Mr. Eastwood. It was the latter, after all, who had the temerity to tell the story of black jazz great Charlie “Bird” Parker back in 1988. Mr. Lee was all aquiver then, too.

Let’s guess the number of Jazz CDs owned by the DNR editorial board. I guess 1 (“Feels So Good” by Chuck Mangione).

And, seriously, that is the last sentence. Doesn’t it feel like there should be something else?

Well, in lieu of that anitclimatic ending, I will take the remaining space to state that I enjoyed one of the finest meals of my life in Harrisonburg in 1990. All I really remember are the ribs and the cheesecake, but if you are ever in Harrisonburg, I highly recommend a restaurant whose name I can no longer can recall and which probably no longer exists. Bon appétit.