Anyone have family member who like to play emotional games when it comes to family matters?

[Locut0s]

Nothing interesting to read here just a personal post I'd like to get some feedback on. If your not interested or have nothing constructive to say or add just skip this.

I don't want to come across as a cold hearted person, I really don't feel that I am but I worry about being painted as such by some members of my extended family when it comes to some possible coming family issues/tragedies. I won't go into the nitty gritty but suffice it to say that some members of my extended family like to play emotional "who loves your family members the most" type games. It's never explicitly out in the open but that's what it comes down to. It's never been more than an annoyance but I can see some pending problems looming on the horizon. Specifically about my grandparents who are frail and will probably not live much longer. One has alzheimer's the other has advanced cancer. Don't get me wrong love them and feel very sorry for their situation but despite what some in the family may think we have never had all that much time together to bond as some families do. Over the years I've seen them numerous times of course on holidays and such (probably 50 - 100 times or so), and the like but until the last 3 years or so they have lived on the other side of the country and during my really early years I lived in a different country. I fear on their passing that said family members will pull out the "who loves them more, what have you done, you should feel worse" card. Again don't get me wrong I will be sad but I've never been the type to show much outward emotion in the first place, it's just my personality.

Anyone else have similar family issues.

[mrreowwr_kittty]

1. I'm pretty sure many of us are in similar situations with our families

All I can say is that you can't force emotional bonds. My parents divorced when I was 4 years old. Our father got custody of my sister and me. I didn't see my mother again until I was 18 years old. We lived in the same city. For whatever reason, she never came around or showed any interest in our welfare. When I met up with her again, I tried to forge a relationship with her but it was always kind of awkward and stilted. I grew to accept her as she was and I can even say that I loved her but when she died I didn't grieve the way I did when my dad died. To this day, I miss my father. I think of my mother occasionally in passing but it doesn't hit me on a visceral level like it does with my father. For quite some time I felt guilty about it. But the work I did with a good therapist made me see that my relationship with my mom would never compare to what I had with my dad. It's okay. Just because they are relatives doesn't mean that you had a bond with them. I have good friends whose deaths would devastate me. I have relatives where it would merit an "aww too bad" but not much more than that. Love isn't about a person's title. It's about what they mean to you.

[grasswire]

2. I have intense issues, but not exactly that.

The divorced spouse of a family member is making hell for him. She's toxic and has him over a barrel. He got behind in his child support because he was laid off, and she went to court with untruths and now has him hogtied and in continual terror of being jailed or losing custody. Even though he now has a great job, she's playing him like a yoyo and turning his children against him. It's hard to watch a family member go through such a thing.

At least two people in my lifetime have been extremely toxic. I was married to one of them, a narcissist. The other is described above.

At least my parents weren't like that. My in-laws had lots of crazy issues, but my family of origin is pretty centered.

[EFerrari]

3. The best way to stop that stuff in its tracks is to agree.

"But I did more, loved more, whatever MORE THAN YOU."

"Yes, you did. Good job."

End of game. :)

[Lone_Star_Dem]

6. Very true.

Takes the wind right out of their sails and they move on to emotionally manipulate someone else.

Really excellent advice. :thumbsup:

[Kutjara]

4. Coming from a big Irish family,...

...I'm painfully familiar with the kinds of games you describe. Over the years, based on evidence gathered at numerous family funerals, I've compiled a "5 Stages of Family Bullshit" process along the lines of Kubler-Ross' "5 Stages of Death." The stages I've identified are:

(1) The deceased was a living saint.
(2) The speaker loved the deceased more than life itself.
(3) The spoken-to didn't love the deceased enough.
(4) The spoken-to is, consequently, a shit.
(5) Enormous screaming fight with optional fisticuffs.

Given that Irish wakes are traditionally held in pubs and drink flows freely, this process is repeated numerous times, with different people in the roles of speaker and spoken-to, and at various levels of coherence, but, regardless of the condition of the interlocutors, each stage in the process is scrupulously observed.

It was, as you may imagine, a profound relief when the last member of my immediate family died, freeing me from the obligation to attend another of these festivals of ego and bathos ever again.

[Missy Vixen]

5. Thank you

I thought I was the only one who went through this stuff.

I avoid the "festivals of ego and bathos" now like the plague.

Julie

[provis99]

10. sounds like my family exactly

They did the same thing at my grandpa's funeral. I came away convinced that he must have been the greatest guy who ever lived. Except that now his 7 kids (including my father) pretty much admit they all hated the abusive old jerk.

Now they're busy cozying up to grandma, trying to prove how much they love her and how much they take care of her, in order to have the first dibs on her paltry amount of property when she dies.

I guess Southern families are pretty much like Irish families.

[yardwork]

14. Wow. I didn't know this about large families. I never knew this.

Both my parents essentially dropped out of the day-to-day life of their families when they married each other. I rarely saw my aunts and uncles, and I have first cousins I've never met or have met only once or twice. My parents tended to skip funerals, too, including funerals of their own parents.

I used to feel sad about this, but now I see where my parents - both raised in large extended families - were coming from, and I get some insight into why they chose not to participate.

[Liberal_in_LA]

7. Oh no. The rest of us have perfect families

;-)

[Gman]

8. I have decided that there is no such thing as a "normal" family

Nobody is friggin "normal". There's only the degree of disfunctionalism. Every family has baggage. Every family has issues. Every family has those that think they weren't loved enough, and older siblings that still resent the younger siblings that were born when they were 3 years old. And of course, then there's the really dark things that happen in families.

The only really disfunctional family is a "normal" family so don't sweat it. Just see if for what it is just like you are already doing and be who you are. You're already way ahead of things since you see the games coming. Just sit back and watch everyone play their role. Just be who you are.

Be happy you don't have a sister-in-law like mine that thoroughly enjoys the reactions she gets when she plays the emotional blackmail game with her suicide threats.

[Liberal_in_LA]

9. agreed. n/t

[Golden Raisin]

11. Yes, and emotional games is putting it mildly.

Sounds like you are aware of what is going on (not always the case) and that's a big step towards coping and/or getting beyond it all. Good luck.

[Locut0s]

12. Thanks for the replies and personal accounts!!

[elehhhhna]

13. I observed a weird situation like that recently...

our neighbor was very ill for 2 years then died from advanced cervical cancer. She was 42. Husband a mess and 2 kids only 14 & 12.

The neighbors took care of all of them , from meals to chores to massages to cleaning to doctor visits to orthodontists trips for the kids to dealing w/ the kids teachers to our letting their son virtually move in with us for the last few months...

No sign of the family. Until she died. Then, hoo-boy howdy did they "grieve". Bunch of total washout noshows came around and among other things blew off her plans for her own funeral so they could do it their way.
Their condescending attitude toward the 20 or so people who'd held the family
up though this prolonged tragedy was appalling.

People can be very creepy.


Do what you do for love, not for thanks, because you probably won't get one.

[yardwork]

15. You did the right thing and probably forged lifelong friendships with the children and husband.

Who will those kids remember as they grow older? The no-show relatives who came town for a couple of days, or the friends who took care of them for two years and more while their mother was sick?

You've made lifelong friends. Forget about the selfish family. Everyone else will, too.

[elehhhhna]

16. uh, about that....

the widower took up with our slutty neighborhood nurse about a week after his wife died. Neglected his kids worse than when his wife was dying. They finally married and moved away. Lifelong friends with the kids? Yes. With the Dad & his new wife? Not so much.

Like I said, you do it for love, not thanks...although I have the utmost respect for my fellow neighbors, who are truly kind and generous people.

[riverdeep]

17. I think it was Erma Bombeck that asked,

'You know why your parents are so good at pushing your buttons? Because they put them there.'

[pdxmom]

18. I have a sister who does this and then also spins in a large dose of

fundamentalist Christianity, so that on top of the "I love them more", I also get "And you're going to hell." As someone upthread suggested, I just say "Okay, whatever" and continue to ignore her spew. Not only does it stop her in her tracks, but it also ticks her off, which is just an added bonus.