Did Jesse Helms Die On the Unpatriotic THIRD of July?

[JackBeck]

As we all know, racist old colostomy bag Jesse Helms bravely died on the patriotic anti-gay July 4 day of American Independence … or did he? Our sources in North Carolina say there’s an insane nursing-home cover-up engineered by the Jesse Helms Center’s goons to make gullible racist Americans believe Helms died and went to Hell in the early hours of July 4, when his rancid body actually expired on the night of July 3!

Sure, you’re an elitist communist and you’re thinking, “Who could possibly give a shit when Jesse Helms died, except that he should’ve died forty or fifty years ago, when it might’ve made a difference?”

Well, the kind of ignorant white trash who just love Jesse Helms are not having a real good time of things right now. They are poorer than ever, deeper in debt, their jobs were long ago shipped off to China, and they can’t even afford a gallon of gasoline so they can ride their quad in circles around their shack, which is their main recreation after watching NASCAR and eating sixty-packs of Hot Cheetos. Also, a nigra is about to be president!

As we learned this weekend, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams and Jesus all died on the Fourth of July, proving their Super Patriotism. If Jesse Helms also died on July 4, that would give special comfort to the bitters, while also making slavery retroactively legal again. But this is what we’re hearing from our southern operatives:

“It appears that the little shit, Helms, might actually have died at 10:30 p.m. on 7/3 and the nursing home faked the records.”

We asked for details, proof, linkage, and about all we’ve learned for sure is that this rumor appeared in the comments of a New York Times post about Helms’ death and then the comments were disappeared, the same way Helms’ right-wing death-squad boyfriends in Latin America disappeared their freedom-loving enemies!

Today, we’re hearing through a “contact” at the Mayview Convalescent Center in Raleigh — where Helms died and spent his last rotten years — that the nursing home deliberately falsified the time of death, probably on orders from the Jesse Helms Center.

If true, this proves that Jesse Helms actually went to Hell on the gay-lesbian-black Marxist July 3 holiday, “Juneteenth.”

http://wonkette.com/400907/did-jesse-helms-die-on-the-unpatriotic-third-of-july#more-400907

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

1. Well, whenever he expired...

it was Christmas at my house.

[JackBeck]

14. He was quite the divisive figure, wasn't he?

There is much I will never be able to forgive the man for obstructing.

[Ichingcarpenter]

2. I wouldn't doubt it.... Republicans lie? Really?

They would never lie for propagandist cheap trick.

[JackBeck]

16. I think many of us had the same, initial reaction. n/t

[terrya]

3. I have no trouble believing this.

What better way to give that old colostomy bag's (love that description. :-)) death a noble, dignified ending than to have him die on July 4th.

This wouldn't surprise me one bit if the time of death was altered.

[JackBeck]

10. If he had died just a few days earlier

It would have been during Pride here in the City.

:evilgrin:

[GreenPartyVoter]

4. Hey!!

That's my wedding anniversary you are picking on, there. :P

[JackBeck]

19. I am choosing this moment

to be selfishly satisfied that it didn't happen 10 days later...on my birthday.

B-)

[zeos3]

26. I hear ya

My birthday is on the 3rd

:evilgrin:

[Radical Activist]

5. Juneteenth is in June.

Not sure what that part is about.

[Lex]

6. A joke, perhaps.

just a guess

[butterfly77]

7. I thought about this the other day...

as I listen to the news. The RepubliCONS knowing them as I do,will do anything or say anything to be seen as patriotic as a party..

[JackBeck]

21. Historical and political revisionism.

How anyone involved in current day politics could frame this man as a patriot astounds me.

[liberalmuse]

8. I had thought he already died and was a bit surprised...

then I realized that was Strom Thurmond. Some assholes are completely interchangable.

[JackBeck]

22. My guy said the same thing

after I logged on and heard the news.

I yelled into the kitchen, "Oh my GAWD. Jesse Helms died today!"

His response: "I thought he was already dead".

And for a moment I had to think about it before I replied, "No...that was Strom".

Maybe a lot of us processed the information the same way.

[DFW]

9. I never considered Helms a patriot, so I don't care if he died on July 4 inside Independence Hall

He was still a right wing zealot who fought against American values his whole political career.

[JackBeck]

23. I doubt any liberal did.

He was evil incarnate. Any liberal/progressive on this site that says we should respect him in death needs a history lesson.

[EV_Ares]

11. Found this on Wikipedia about July 3d:

Death
According to the Jesse Helms Center at Wingate University in North Carolina, Helms died from natural causes during the early morning hours of July 4, 2008, at the age of 86.<24> Other sources have Helms dying the night of July 3.<25> Allies praised Helms as a leader in the conservative movement. Heritage Foundation president Ed Feulner said the "defeat of Soviet communism and the rise of Ronald Reagan would not have happened without his intrepid leadership at decisive times."<26>

Link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesse_Helms

[JackBeck]

28. Oh for fucks sake:

Heritage Foundation president Ed Feulner said the "defeat of Soviet communism and the rise of Ronald Reagan would not have happened without his intrepid leadership at decisive times."

:eyes: :puke:

Follow. The. Money.

[hlthe2b]

12. This was my very first thought when they announced him dead...

on the 4th-- the very first thought, but I decided I'd leave the tin foil on the shelf. But, boy it does not surprise me that the RW is so damned desperate to make him more "honorable"--at least in death.

[JackBeck]

29. It's an understandable guttural response to not trust that party.

Especially when the most divisive figure in their party dies (miraculously) on the 4th.

[fascisthunter]

13. .

:thumbsup: :rofl:

[arcadian]

15. I suspected as much.

n.t

[Parche]

17. He Died On 3rd July And Went To Hell On 4Th July

:woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :hi:

[JackBeck]

18. One would think

that the paperwork had been processed way in advance of his arrival.

:pals:

O8)

[Canuckistanian]

20. As Maxwell Smart says

"Missed it by THAT much...."

[Froward69]

24. Shitt they proped him up for years...

at least he is CONFIRMED dead. the day does not matter really only to neo-cons. I did find the time of death to be peculiar. 1:13 am??? exactly who's watch were they looking at? even so, if he died in Eastern time. it still was not the fourth out west here.

[Tutonic]

25. That is 1000% accurate. Good thing he wasn't going for Thanksgiving

They'd be putting that rotten flesh on ice for five months.

[Ian David]

27. They get to charge him for an extra day, too. n/t

[ccharles000]

30. Jesse Helms is a shit stained bigot.

[book_worm]

31. Oh, well...whenever he died nobody has been paying much attention

There hasn't even been a huge media frenzy. This pleasantly surprises me.