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Edited on Tue Jul-08-08 02:40 AM by Mythsaje
On sale now: one slighty used, entirely out-of-touch, Republican Senator. Complete with options for a 100 year occupation of Iraq, dispeptic saber rattling at Iran, and a mistaken belief that drilling for oil in an arctic refuge will somehow produce enough oil to free us from dependence on foreign sources. A man who needs no introduction, a man for whom whole television networks will prostrate themselves trying to prove he's not the goat-sucking weasel we take him to be, but a "maverick" who blazes his own trail even though we can plainly see the deep footprints of every damned Republican prick who's been there before him.
Act now and get four more years of Republican deregulation! Allowing Big Business to do whatever the fuck it wants for the past 7 years has worked out so well, we want MORE of it! That's right! More war profiteering, more record profits for the oil companies, and more mercenaries patrolling American cities. And, as if that's not enough, you also get record numbers of foreclosures, mass lay-offs in important industries, and yet more outsourcing to foreign countries.
But that's not all! If you act now, you'll also get more illegal wiretapping and more Justice Department shenanigans like the rejection of qualified applicants because they're not Republican Party Members! Ain't that grand?
But wait! There's more! By acting now, you will actually receive yet more chances to live in a flooded city with no timely emergency assistance for your tax dollars. You'll get to see the benefits of "less is more" government first-hand! Yes, you too can be a member of an ignored and disenfranchised minority! All it takes is one natural disaster and you too can find yourself ass-deep in alligators!
And if you act now, we'll throw in a case of selective amnesia, so you too can forget that this is the guy the party threw under the bus to help get George Bush into the White House. The guy who so loves G.W. that he's shown giving the fellow a BIG hug, and sharing cake with him while New Orleans drowns.
And, for a limited time, we'll throw in the same fractured ideology the Republican Party has been trying to push for the past forty years. Lower taxes (for the very rich), personal responsibility (unless you can find a good excuse for your sins), and State's Rights (unless of course the state claims to have the right to actually make its own decisions about anything). Yep, that's right! All the things they say they're for but have never been able to prove!
Act now! You'll get all the Republican goodies they've been hawking for the past several decades! The can all be yours! New Robber Barons, an ever-widening gap between the haves and the have-nots! An end to security in one's declining years! Outrageous medical bills! College tuitions out of reach of any normal person! More outsourcing! Higher Unemployment rates than many 3rd World Countries! A national debt so large that new forms of math will be invented just to calculate it! A stronger and thicker glass ceiling to keep those uppity women and minorities in their places! A victory in the War on Christmas! More religious quackery from the theologically insane! Deliberate and systematic destruction of the letter and spirit of the Constitution of the United States! More pollution in our air, water, and earth! More poisonous toys from China! An end to Congressional oversight in any meaningful capacity!
How much would you expect to pay for this? A trillion dollars? A billion dollars? A million dollars? Forget about it! For a limited time only, you can get this package for mere peanuts. The price? Nothing but your self-respect, any remaining esteem of the rest of the world, and the knowledge that the heat-death of the universe will come just a little sooner than it might have otherwise.
Oh, and your immortal soul. C'mon, now. Mere pocket change. Chances are you're not using it any longer, particularly if you've voted Republican before.
This offer brought to you by the Republican Party. Paddling America up Shit Creek and selling Americans down the river for several generations now. All sales are final. No refunds or exchanges. No warrantee stated or implied. We reserve the right to tell you to shut the fuck up if you don't like it.
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