How do you stop hating someone?

[SmileyRose]

I posted a few days ago and said the minute they started screaming death threats at McPalin rallies, this election, for me, became about a single issue - hope versus hate. I have always thought I didn't have a hateful bone in my body. Last week, I found out I'm wrong.

I share living space with someone who generally functions well enough, but has some difficult emotional and intellectual challenges. Though not premeditated, this person constantly creates a living fucking hell for housemates because of these challenges coupled with a variety of physical medical challenges. The stress level never seems to go down. About 9 days ago, one too many battles to the death over medication, over respecting other people's belongings, over using expensive shared household goods with care. I broke. I mean, my soul actually broke. And genuine hatred was born.

I still don't understand the hysterical hate they spew over there in RWnutland that has no basis in any sort of reality whatsoever. But I now understand real hate - that incredibly evil place where there is no empathy, no compassion, no emotion of any kind whatsoever. There is only a blank where love once was. It's as if this person has been deleted from my soul and taken my own humanity with him.

Today, I realized my desperate need for hope and change has a lot to do with what goes on in the walls of my own home. For some, access to medical care, access to education, access to a job that fairly rewards work will solve most of the struggle. But we need our human dignity -our basic human rights more than anything else. Once the soul of a human is destroyed there's no getting it back.

I pray Barack to inspire us to begin to heal the hell Bush has created in so many quarters. The humanity destroyed, the dignity stolen. I dig down underneath the hate and hope someone teach how to stop the hate.

[DesertRat]

1. The opposite of hate is indifference

I am now indifferent to all of them and anything they say. The future is ours and I'm not looking back.

[Mojambo]

2. Exactly what I was going to say. n/t

[SmileyRose]

4. Actually, IMHO hate IS indifference.

this person in my life suffers and I really no longer care. I wish him no harm, he's not important enough to expend that kind of energy on. I feel like being angry enough to say "I hate you" would probably be an improvement.

I think about how many times this nation has either caused the suffering or ignored the suffering of others - usually brown people - and not even noticed, or cared. I wonder if the dancing in the streets all over the world is because they hope maybe America will now bother to notice.

[proud patriot]

29. indifference can be perceived as hate but

indifference is different IMO :shrug:

[enough]

3. Dear SmileyRose, I see what you're saying about Barack and Bush.

I hope you will do what you need to do to get yourself out of your living situation with a person you hate, no matter what your relationship may be with that person. It isn't good for you or for that person to keep on going in that environment. Hope you don't mind my saying that, but I'm pretty old, and I speak from experience.

[SmileyRose]

11. I wish I could.

I can't change my living situation. I can find a caregiver support group though and find someone to come stay for a few hours while I go to the support group. It won't make me love this person again, but it MIGHT help me claim my humanity back.

[enough]

12. That's a good idea. Isolation can be a real spirit-killer for a caregiver,

especially if the person you're taking care of doesn't cooperate with you, and doesn't understand or appreciate what you are doing. A support group will put you together with folks who have been through it.

All the best to you.

[Gregorian]

5. Through compassion.

Knowing there is unconsciousness. Those who are unconscious know no better.

It is VERY hard to love thy enemy. Obama is showing us how well it works. I'm hopeful it will be contagious.

Underneath the veil that is each physical body there is, I believe, a good presence.

We learn hate. We promote hate. As babies we do not know it.

And I think the bottom line is we have to work, try hard, to not buy in to the hate. And to know it is the hardest thing to overcome.

And to know that defending one's own view is the precursor to war. That first step is critical.

[UTUSN]

6. Well, mine won't stop. n/t

[sam sarrha]

7. here is my favorite quote..

"a negative thought continues and increases exponentially until replaced by a positive thought, however the positive thought must be cultivated" HHDL

YOU MUST BLESS THEM TWICE EVERY TIME YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE THOUGHT about them.. pray for their deliverance from ignorance, and protection for them and for their families, until they become aware of the truth.. it really works.. it worked on my Psycho-bitch exWife who ran off with a drug dealer and 2 hookers, taking our 3 year old into crackWorld hell.. got busted, luckily her father had CIA connections and got her out of jail.

i have a mantra.. the "4 ImmeasurableS"

may all beings have happiness and the cause of happiness.

May they be free of suffering and the cause of suffering.

May they never be separated from the supreme happiness without suffering.

May they live in Equanimity free from attachment, aversion and anger,
which causes us to hold some beings near and others distant

i say it when i see angry people, ignorance, people suffering in any way.. i say it A LOT

[Xenotime]

13. ah...ok

[Fire Walk With Me]

8. As said above, through compassion.

When you can understand where the other person is coming from, it takes a lot of steam out of your own upset.

My problem is with not the sick or emotionally injured, but with the genuinely malicious. I -do- understand where they're coming from, and it doesn't help.

Quite simply, taking advantage of, or action at the expense of others, is Republican behaviour, specifically Bush behaviour. I don't see how anyone can still dip into that sort of thing without immediate self-loathing.

[stillcool]

9. I have to stop feeding it..

it is one thing to be aware of the hate that fills so many hearts, but it is another thing to focus on that hatred, and give it more prominence than it deserves. I think people revel in reading about other people's hatred and ignorance. The more vile the better. Not sure what that's all about.

[Beregond2]

10. My recipe:

1. Remove that person from your life. As long as they are around, the hate will be stoked.
2. Remove them from your thoughts. When they cross your mind, do something to distract yourself.
3. Find something very positive to do with your time, something that helps you and other people.

Do all that, and time will take care of the rest. Your soul is there. You just can't feel it right now. Hate needs feeding; starve it.

[Morrisons Ghost]

14. By finally

realizing that all of your hate and anger only hurt you....the object of your hate and anger isn't really affected by it!

[surrealAmerican]

15. Sound like you need some time away from this situation.

Some people find meditation helpful. Some just go for walks alone. The thing is taken in isolation none of the irritants are insurmountable, it's just that they don't stop. As somebody else here mentioned, the hating hurts you the most, and that's why you need to find a way to end it.

[Swede]

16. Here's an old story about letting things go.

Two Buddhist monks were walking along a path when they came to a shallow, muddy river. A woman in a beautiful dress waited there, not wishing to cross for fear of ruining her beautiful dress. One of the monks lifted her onto his shoulders - something that he was absolutely not supposed to do - and carried her to the other side, where he set her down (dress intact) and proceeded along the path with his fellow monk. After a few hours, the second monk, unable to continue keeping quiet about what he understood as a violation of the code by which they lived, asked his companion, “Why did you pick that woman up and carry her across the river?” The first monk replied, “Are you still carrying her? I put her down hours ago.”

[Qanisqineq]

17. Good question

I am having trouble with that myself. I agree with the people that said the opposite of hatred is indifference. I have been working on forgiving someone for the last two years. I find that when I do, I feel indifferent towards this person and calm inside myself. Unfortunately this only last a few days or so and then the anger comes back and the hatred is destroying me. For your own sake, try to find a way to stop the hatred of him/her. It is bad for your health. I know from experience.

[SmileyRose]

18. I'm not angry at all.

I used to be angry all the time, when I still cared about this person and still wanted some sort of friendship. I was angry because I wanted a friendship and they didn't seem to care at all. That person finally pushed me so far, so many times, cost me so much time and money and pain because of their deliberate abuse of people and things, I broke. I do not care about them even in that basic human sense that I would care about complete strangers. I've found in the last weeks my broken soul has caused an indifference in a general sense, which concerns me.

I used to think hatred was equal to toxic anger. I've learned the anger means one still cares about the person or people -- I think perhaps toxic anger is abused love twisted up in knots.

Now I realize hatred IS indifference. The genuine lack of any compassion, empathy or caring. Hatred is when other humans are completely invisible or completely without value. Unfeeling, unmoved, dead inside is hate. IMHO.

I used to think the screamers at McPalin rallies were hateful, maybe they are unfeeling assholes, or maybe they are just ignorant. What I do think now is that those Americans who would never dream of spewing "hateful words" in public yet sit idly by choosing to be oblivious to the pain and suffering committed in their names around the world, well, IMHO THAT is the real hate.

[pitohui]

19. why do you share living space w. this person?

you are in an intolerable situation and, as we are territorial primates and this intolerable person is in it, it is natural to hate

i'm sorry they have whatever they have wrong w. them such that they destroy other people's expensive belongings but why is this your problem?

you will stop hating them when they become an irrelevance...that is, when you or they live somewhere else

it is only natural to hate someone who is in your space, destroying your stuff and hence your finances (your survival in this capitalistic society), so i don't know what to tell you other than...move somewhere else and don't take this person w. you

we weren't all born to be mother theresa, i sure as shit wasn't and it bothers me not a bit, i'm at a point in my life where i won't give house room to bipolar fuckwits, sociopaths, drug abusers, etc. -- they need to clean up their own act, elsewhere

we ALL have a right to a safe space

is that really hate or is it self-protection and reasonable self-respect?

[Jamastiene]

20. Peer pressure.

A friend of mine once invited me to try out for a side band. Our regular band was composed of this friend, who was white, me (Heinz 57 person, mixed with several races), and a black drummer.

The side band was a blue band an my guitar playing is so metal/punk, that I didn't really think I would be much of a fit. My friend wanted me to try out to have a chance to make some money playing music. I had never made money playing before and he wanted me to at least be able to cover new guitar strings without it eating into my budget.

So, he conned me into trying out. So, I jammed with these people and they said, yes, they wanted me to play guitar with them. Then, the kicker happened. They said no to our drummer because he was black. Then the leader of that side band used some excuse that his girlfriend didn't want black people in her home or garage. I said no, packed my shit and walked out.

Later, I made my friend's ears practically ring with a combination of words (some of them pretty nasty) he had never heard before. Not just no, but hell no, I would stay in poverty the rest of my life before I'd play a part in that.

I told my friend he needed to think long and hard about who he spends his time with because I wasn't going to play a part in that and went on my way. The next day, he called. He quit that side band with me and told everybody who would listen what happened. I holed myself up in my house waiting for some kind of backlash from some of the other musicians in this community, but stood firm in my decision. When some of them asked me if it really happened, I said yeah, I couldn't go against my beliefs. It was hard to talk when I told them, because I had no idea how they would react or if they'd want to start an argument with me. I wasn't changing my mind though.

Next thing you know, I found out none of the other musicians in the community would play with him after that either. Slowly but surely, they stood with me on that decision when they heard my reasons. I'm proud of them for it too.

Next thing you know, I see an ad up from that guy in that blues band saying he had ditched the racist ass girlfriend, moved out, and would start playing blues songs by black artists and ANYONE could join his band. He also issued an apology to our drummer, publicly, and to the black community here in Richmond County. If you know this area, that was a milestone.

So, having all the musicians walk out and refuse to play with the guy, peer pressure, made him change his tune. It CAN be done. I'm proud of those who do drop the hate. It's not worth hating. Life's too short. It's the only way we'll ever end hate and change people's minds about hate. Peer pressure to make them change their minds, then support after they do. I really don't know any other way that works. That's just my little experience. I'm sure there are other ways that are less scary and tense, but that is one way to do it.

[lumberjack_jeff]

21. Attend their funeral? n/t

[Blue-Jay]

22. I just decided to stop thinking about them.

Once I stopped obsessing about it, the hatred just...went away.

[Breeze54]

23. See them hurt more?

:shrug:

[goodgd_yall]

24. I think you're putting yourself in a very difficult situation

Don't feel bad about your feelings about your housemate. If you can divorce yourself from the situation, do it. But that might not be possible. I'd get outside help and if you have and it hasn't helped, I'd try elsewhere. You're only being normal in your reaction.

In a less extraordinary situation, I stop hate by recognizing my own frailties as a person. I guess my hate is accompanied by feelings of superiority, so that's what works for me. Also it might help to realize that the person can't help themselves. This seems particularly applicable in your situation. The person has an illness. Whatever he or she does is not done to be intentionally mean or to torture you, though it might seem like it.

[knowbody0]

25. look deep inside yourself for compassion

and know that Racist intollerant judgemental people most often really hate themselves and cannot evolve.

then forgive them

then ignore them

[Uncle Joe]

26. First, forgive your self for hating,

that will release you from the unending circle of guilt. Guilt feeds hatred and visa versa.

Maybe you've already done this, but try walking in that person's shoes with their personality disorder and imagine what your life would be like. You might find your self feeling happy in that you're not that person.

[Jed Dilligan]

27. Hate isn't when you lose all compassion

Hate is when you actually want bad things to happen to the person. Your problem with this person will be solved by moving out. Hate is when someone robs you, rapes you, maims you, or otherwise steals your future happiness. I don't think you are having the feelings about this person that I would classify as hatred. When I hate, I'm ready to put the hurt on someone.

[omega minimo]

28. Love is a verb