Palin's BFF Elisabeth Hasselbeck is warmly welcomed into Dickipedia, "A Wiki of Dicks"

[Amerigo Vespucci]

Elisabeth Hasselbeck

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http://dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Elisabeth_Hasselbeck

Elisabeth Hasselbeck (née Filarski; born May 28, 1977) is a former reality show contestant—not even the winner, mind you, or even the runner-up—who somehow became co-host of one of the most popular daytime talk shows of all time, and a dick. Though not especially well informed, Hasselbeck is, nonetheless, an irritatingly vocal supporter of conservative viewpoints. Also, she bears a striking resemblance to one of those “It’s a Small World” animatronic robots they have at Disneyland, if those robots were programmed by Sean Hannity.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a panelist on The View, the program that pioneered the format of four women jabbering over each other for an hour and a half, interspersed with commercials for Boniva and a special kind of yogurt that promises to regulate your bowels. In this capacity, Hasselbeck’s main duties involve baiting the other panelists to drop the F-bomb on national TV and attaining a level of shrillness that would make most testicles re-ascend. Of course, anyone with external genitalia really has no business watching The View, so it would serve them right.

Because she enjoys such incredible exposure, many liberals consider Elisabeth Hasselbeck one of the country’s most dangerous conservatives. They might be on to something. As it has been proven time and again, Americans love them a televised idiot.

In late October 2008, Whoopi Goldberg revealed that Elisabeth Hasselbeck receives more death threats than any other View panelist. That must be an awful lot of death threats.



Early Life

Elisabeth Hasselbeck began acting like an unthinking hand-puppet from her birth on May 28, 1977, a birthday she shares with Rudy Giuliani, Kylie Minogue, and the first quintuplets ever to survive infancy.

Hasselbeck hails from Cranston, RI, a town whose other claim to fame is as the birthplace of “gaggers”—pronounced locally as “gaggas”—which are tiny hotdogs served in a paper cone smothered with meat sauce, chopped onion, mustard, and celery salt. Despite the name, it is unclear whether “gaggers” or Hasselbeck are more likely to stimulate one’s gag reflex.

After graduating from an all-girls Catholic high school, she attended Boston College, a veritable rookery for the dirty white baseball cap variety of dick. In 1999, she received a Fine Arts degree from a school whose other esteemed graduates include Ed McMahon, Leonard Nimoy, and the guy who holds the all-time catches record in the Canadian Football League.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck quickly went about beefing up her powerful dick resume—or, as it is sometimes known, “curr-dick-ulum vitae”—by working for Puma. Puma is a brand favored by the kind of dick who’s always handing you a homemade flier to go hear some DJ friend of his spin at some club you’ve never heard of.

Television Career

Survivor and early career

In 2001, Hasselbeck was cast in Survivor: The Australian Outback, as a member of the Kucha tribe, whatever the hell that is. Despite finishing fourth, Hasselbeck was that season’s most popular player, and is arguably the most successful Survivor alum. This sounds a lot more impressive than it is, considering the only other famous former contestants are famous for tax evasion and/or filing lawsuits against the producers of Survivor.

Hasselbeck has also been a judge at the Miss Teen USA Pageant, which in turn cranks out a steady supply of whiny hotties for the talk shows of tomorrow. She also hosted The Look for Less on the Style Network, a program in which Hasselbeck helped contestants find stylish clothing at bargain prices. Say $150,000 or so.

The View

In 2003, Hasselbeck joined the cast of The View. Obviously, the producers thought it would be hilarious to team a racist homophobe with a black and a lesbian, and then—when the lesbian left after an on-camera altercation—a black lesbian (like you didn’t know Whoopi Goldberg plays for the pink team).

The View currently attracts millions of viewers nationwide. As such, Hasselbeck has been given a forum she in no way deserves. Arguably, so has Joy Behar. Seriously, what did she do before the View that was such great shakes? Manhattan Murder Mystery? The TV adaptation of Baby Boom? Some voice-over work in episode 42 of “Buzz Lightyear of Star Command?" Please.

Hasselbeck typically assumes the conservative stance on most issues, defending creationism, the war on terror, and similar lunacy. As a result of her half-baked punditry, Elisbaeth Hasselback has been involved in a number of contentious political debates on The View. For instance, on a 2006 episode, she strongly opposed the FDA’s plan to sell the “morning after pill” as an over-the-counter drug. However, she does support the “night before pill,” otherwise known as the Grey Goose Cosmopolitan.

In 2007, Hasselbeck got into it with then co-host Rosie O’Donnell over the Iraq War, in what may very well rank as the least sexy catfight of all time. She also has a history of altercations with Whoopi Goldberg, over topics including, but not limited to, abortion, race relations, and the 2008 presidential election. Perhaps most famously, Goldberg asked Hasselbeck point blank whether the country was more racist or sexist. Hasselbeck answered “sexist.” Of course, that was most likely because she was a woman and hadn’t understood the question.

Most recently, Elisabeth Hasselbeck was stirring up trouble—and, not coincidentally, audience ratings—with her vocal support of the John McCain-Sarah Palin ticket. In fact, Hasselbeck designed and wore a pro-McCain t-shirt emblazoned with the phrase “Great AmeriCain Hero.” This shirt caused the show to field a large number of complaints, and not necessarily because it was inappropriate for her to wear during political segments. Couldn’t she have at least come up with a better pun? How about “McCain is Able!”? Or “Yes We (Mc)Cain.” Like those, only funnier.

The morning after Barack Obama won the election, Elisabeth Hasselbeck appeared on The View in funereal black to deliver her “concession.” Despite predictions, she did not choke to death on her own tongue.

[DesertFlower]

1. i can't stand her.

one of these days joy is going to punch her in the mouth.