The last few weeks - A thanks and a request for prayers/good thoughts

The Straight Story

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Wed Nov-19-08 06:20 PM
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The last few weeks - A thanks and a request for prayers/good thoughts

I would thank you all for contributing to DU and keeping it running (and thanks to those who couldn't but still come here and post and make this place a wonderful place to be).

I have shared my life here as much as I can, some things though I cannot and will not. But having been here 4+ years I wanted to take a moment to fill in my friends on where I went and why.

After moving back to Ohio I had hoped things would get better. They were starting to, and then it all went to hell. Living with a fundie dad is not easy. So the wife and I live with a close friend across the street who helps me to care for her and my little girl.

There were many days at work my baby would call me and tell me mommy was sick and she was scared and hungry, and I would have to leave work and take care of her. She saw her momma go to the hospital, try to kill herself, watch her suffer, etc. I had to make a choice - my job or my family. I chose family and moved back here where I would be around people I thought cared.

Dad and family cared, but wanted to control things (trying to force my daughter o go to Sunday school and us to church when my wife was too ill for example).

So we basically moved in with a good friend of mine across the street, he is able to help take care of the wife while I am looking for work (and when I get a job). From helping her to walk to the bathroom to walking down the steps.

------ This Week
I was so sick I went to the ER alone. I didn't want baby girl to worry about me so told her I had an interview. I was there 8 hours, scared and worried about what they would find. Too sick to even stand. I talked to a social worker as well about things going on. I had the flu and was low on potassium and dehydrated.

My doc put me on 7 prescriptions (from xanax to codeine to blood pressure meds, etc).

My little girl's kitties were staying at a friend's house down the street for a spell and she and I would go and see them for the night (he worked out of town). My friend finally made arrangements to move them here for her (he has a big dog and another cat, but wanted her to be happy). The wife gave them a flea bath but something went wrong and the cats went into bad shock and were dying (biting off their own tongues, etc) so my friend and I had to put them down. She still thinks they are at the vets and might be ok, will tell her this weekend about it all. I drove those kitties across country with two dogs and it was hell, they were her pride and joy. And she is only 7 and it breaks my heart that I have to tell her. I still have nightmares about it.

My job I was working in security got all screwed up - part time and by the time they took out insurance I had $2 left on my paycheck. Unemployment has been hell, but should all be worked out in a few weeks.

My dad has helped out some, but he is getting worse physically (he is 74). And now my wife is back in bed sick 90% of the time, I am trying to home school my daughter (she has separation anxiety right now and needs to see a counselor which I cannot afford), look for work, and take care of her day to day.

I have spent years caring for a sick wife, my daughter, and trying to please people I worked with (I used to run 3 major data centers which took up a huge chunk of time for 5 years). Now I spend a lot of time alone trying to find ways to just make a few dollars to get by.

All I want is the simple American dream, a little family and a place to call my own, to pay the bills, have food on the table, and make sure the ones I love are taken care of.

Tomorrow night I have to tell my baby her kitties are not coming home, I have to sit next to my wife in her bed and tell her I didn't have an interview today, I have to face the fact that the one person those two people love and depend on cannot fix all their problems like he wants to.

I feel like a failure. No matter how hard I have worked over the years it is for naught, the ones I love the most and that depend on me the most are left hanging.

Would that I could buy a beer tonight and kill the pain I feel.

Yeah, it will get better - but that does not help tonight.

So I come here to my friends and ask for some hugs and some love.