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Edited on Fri Nov-21-08 04:56 PM by 9thkvius
Dear Governor Palin,
I keep waiting to see when your 15 Andy Warhol minutes are up, but you manage to keep defying the odds. It is breathtaking to see just how spectacularly you can unintentionally satirize yourself, in such a way that epitomizes so much of what is wrong with the "Jesus Rode Dinosaurs to Church" wing of the Republican Party and the conservative movement in general. I mean, your blissful ignorance at all sorts of foreign and domestic policy issues is one thing, and of course that quality combined with your, shall I say, interesting mannerisms and accent only adds to the pleasure of political satirists, late-night comedians, and lefty bloggers everywhere. But god-damn... you manage to just (pardon the pun) shoot your way past your peers at a (again, pardon the pun) unGodly rate that I could have never imagined would be possible for ANY politician, much less one that has made it all the way (albeit unsuccessfully so far) to the national stage.
But now, you have decided to pardon a turkey in a way that no one had ever imagined. You pardoned the turkey, and then went on and had a press conference as continued, graphically violent turkey slaughter went on in the background. I cannot imagine that the most inspired Daily Show writer in their most pot-induced burst of creativity could have possibly come up with that shit. Can you imagine a Governor pardoning some inmate, then calling a press conference as they continued to fry other death row inmates in the electric chair just over the governor's shoulder? I mean, what the fuck? You knew what was going on, right? It sure looks like you did. And yet it did not faze you in the slightest. So, upon whatever it is that goes on inside your head that passes for reflection, you decided that going on with the press conference as the bloodbath continued in the background was a GOOD idea? Um, doesn't that sort of negate the whole "pardon the turkey" idea in the first place?
I am just trying to figure out how the fuck you are going to top yourself now. How about this?
(The camera comes into focus on you. You appear to be standing at the railing of a ship at sea. You begin to speak.)
"Howdy, this is Governor Sarah Palin, and I want to talk to you about whales. You know, whales are such beautiful creatures. Did you know that they are the largest animals in the world? Didja? They sure are, and as a result of good clean oceans, some hard work by Noah and his sons and God's grace, they have prospered over the years. Now some Eskimos are talking about how they want to hunt whales, just because their ancestors have been hunting whales ever since they walked out of the Garden of Eden. Well, as Governor of Alaska I am going to propose a law that prevents whales from being hunted by Eskimos in little boats."
(The camera pulls out slightly as you turn to your right and walk up to a huge cannon with a barbed harpoon sticking out of the end of it)
"Yessirree Bob, with your help we can save whales from those Gosh-darn Eskimos. We can make sure that whales are hunted the way they are SUPPOSED to be - with explosives and factory ships!"
(You fire the harpoon gun into a breaching Humpback whale, which explodes with pieces of blubber, blood and gore flying all over)
"Todd and I just love feeding our five beautiful children and one blessed out-of-wedlock grandchild the biggest, tastiest whaleburgers we can. That's what the dream of America is about."
(The factory ship reels in the bloodied carcass, hauling it up on deck with a crane, and you step up and caress it lovingly)
"These whales deserve better than being killed by a bunch of low-rent brown guys in little boats. So remember, when those liberal elites in Washington ask if using the great industrial might of America to slaughter entire species to the point of extinction is a good idea, you tell 'em that small town values and good church-going ordinary folk LOVE to hunt those terrorist sonar-hating whales!"
(Todd steps in with a steaming piece of blubber) "Honey, how's about a big whale steak?"
(You wink at the camera)
"You betcha!"
Maybe you could even club a few baby seals too. Your adorable seven year old daughter Piper could help.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love whales, and I hate your guts. I don't want whales to be hunted by anyone under any conditions. The only upside to such a spectacle as the one I describe is that its broadcast might finally rid all of us of your presence, and hopefully discredit a few of your nutjob ideas too. Or perhaps in the course of filming it, some wounded creature could turn on your ship, Moby Dick-like, and sink it. That would be quite appropriate also. Or even better, in a tip to the historical record on which Melville based his tale, the whale could sink the ship, and after sitting in the open lifeboat for a few months, you and Todd would be forced to eat your own kids. That would be fucking awesome.
I hope your political career ends soon, for the sake of us all.
Sincerely,
9thkvius
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