The Emotional Struggle of a Fat Person - An Open Letter

[buckettgirl]

Why do you Hate me so?

What have I ever done to you?

I ask this, I need to know, why you felt the need to torture me throughout my life.

I began my life in this world with a bad set of genetics, being influenced by bad habits started by my loving, well-meaning parents.

I began kindergarden being outside the growth curve - I was always "bigger" than you. I was always taller than you and as that goes, I always weighed more. But I wasn't overweight then.

Why did you think you needed to alienate me because of that? Did you think I didn't know I was "different"? Socially awkward, maybe?

You pointed it out, and your words and actions forced me into a seemingly bottomless pit of despair. You called me Fatso, Earthquake, Tubby, and Stupid. You never picked me to be your playmate, or for school projects. You threw rocks and sticks at me during recess, and pushed me down or tripped me any chance you had. And we were only 5 or 6 years old.
Sure, I told my parents. But really, looking back now, what could they have done? They told me that they loved me, that I was beautiful, and not to listen to you. But that wasn't enough.

As the years went on, it didn't get any better. I believed what you said - that I was worthless. That I was just fat and stupid; and not worthy of love or friendship - so I turned ever more inward and more toward food to numb away the HURT. The emotional abuse never faltered, you always were creative with new names for me, new ways to pick on me, new ways to get my friends to alienate me. And as the years came and went, the pounds came and stayed.

Did you know that when I was only 10 years old, I tried, in secret, to write my suicide note to explain to my parents why I wasn't worthy to be alive - why it didn't matter how much they loved me, that I was somehow defective and deserved to die. That my size made me inherently defective. I had planned to slit my wrists when I came home from school - no one was home then; I thought it would be easy. When they day came that I had planned for it, I couldn't do it. I just cried; because I was somehow "too stupid" to even get that right.

And then remember in the 8th grade - you convinced the few classmates that I considered friends to abandon me. You spread vicious lies and rumors about me. You told people that I was so fat because I was pregnant. You told people that I was so fat that I would never have a boyfriend; or lose my virginity. You made fun of me for even trying to go out for school sports. You told people that if they let me in their house I would eat all their food. And when you found out who my crush was, you did whatever you could to make me the laughing stock of the school. That was one of the worst years of my life. I snuck food anytime I could - all an effort to numb the emotional pain. Food never made fun of me. It was always there; available to comfort; never judgmental. It was my after school companion.

Somehow, I managed to survive high school. You became more consumed with your little clique, and paid less attention. But the damage was already done. And I still saw the way you looked at me - how hate filled that gaze was - everyday that I came to class. But yet, that is about the same time you figured out that I was very good in school, and that copying my homework could get you a good grade. Every week, I allowed you do so; in a way it felt like I fit in somehow - had some validation that I wasn't stupid, that you could see past my size. I was wrong, of course. You were just using me. And the first chance you had to look "cool" in front of your friends by degrading me, you took it. I was able to find more friends in high school, and more activities that suited my intellectual abilities - debate and forensics may have saved my life. I gained confidence in myself and my abilities; and I didn't have to deal with you. I found a group of people who valued me for me - mostly because they had been through the same thing too for being fat, too skinny, too geeky, or just too weird.

I learned after getting out of high school - that all those things you said and all those things you did to me because I was fat, didn't really matter. I was able to be my own person. But you didn't make me stronger. Everyday, I face you - I know you are still out there. The adult world is different, people don't always saying what they are thinking - but I can never forget that hate filled stare. That look that says "OH MY GOD! You are a fucking fat slob!" That look that says that people have already written me off as low-class and stupid. And all because of my size.

I have married a wonderful man, who is SKINNY, who loves me in spite of my weight. As I write this, I have never weighed more than I do now, and he does not hold it against me. If my husband ever met you, you would be one sorry soul. I tell my husband from time to time that you are lurking - that you see us together and wonder what that good-looking skinny guy is doing with that fat, disgusting gal. He doesn't believe me, but I KNOW its true. And, yet, I eat in secret, to soothe those feelings.

I have also managed to put myself through college. That was difficult, because I was afraid I would find you in my classes; but you stayed away, for the most part. I'm a nurse now - and although I might have you as a patient someday, I know you'll never say those things to my face - but you'll still have that look. You cannot know how much it hurts to go to work and hear people say behind your back "Look at that girl; she sure is big - but she is a really nice gal" Like my size should have anything to do with how I take care of you.
Did you ever consider that I graduated with honors? That I was more than capable of passing my state boards on the first try? Being fat does not make me stupid.

Yes, I know you are still out there - I see you from time to time when I am running errands or when I am at work. But I never fathomed that I would find you on DU. I thought I was relatively safe here. Since you couldn't see me, you couldn't judge me. You couldn't hate me for my size. Boy, was I wrong. You hate me anyway. You point fingers and say that I am fat because I am stupid - that I should have known better. You say that I am to blame, wholly, for being defective.

I want you to know that I wish I knew years ago what I know now. I was not fat when you met me. But you made me believe I was. If you had left me alone, I may not have HAD to turn to food as a coping mechanism. But I was a child - and what comprehension does a child have of consequences? Really?

I want you to know that have lost vast amounts of weight, and regained it all - over and over again, riding the diet roller coaster. All because I wanted you to accept me; that if I looked good enough, you would accept me. I wish I had known that, no matter what, it would never be "enough". I wish I had known that what you thought didn't matter.
I want you to know that I know more about food, diets, and nutrition than you could comprehend. And that I love to go to the gym - I find a great source of wellbeing in lifting weights. I know how I got to this size, and you have as much to do with it as I do.

I want you to know that I have done pretty alright in life, in spite of you. I am not stupid. I am not lazy. I am not poor or low-class.

Most of all, I want you to know that I go through everyday feeling like a defective human being. Although it doesn't matter what you think, it has been ingrained in me for 20+ years that because I am fat, I am defective. I just wish you would stop hating me.

I just wish you could unconditionally accept me as a human.

All 6ft and 375lbs of kind, lovable me.

[lisa58]

1. unconditionally works for me - love is all we have

[Jack_Dawson]

2. I read your whole letter...

First of all, this should be in the lounge. Second of all, didn't see the phrase, "working out" or "athletic" or "cardio" anywhere. You might want to try those avenues first.

I get that people metabolize at different rates, and I'm sorry for your condition. Just saying.

:hug:

[walldude]

6. Maybe you should read it again...

And that I love to go to the gym - I find a great source of wellbeing in lifting weights.

[Jack_Dawson]

8. I did...

Lifting weights is awesome...but should be combined w/ cardio. Getting winded is key. Believe me I've been out of the "winded" category for weeks and I hate myself for it. It's hard to get back on the hamster wheel.

:beer:

[buckettgirl]

20. I walk nearly 4 miles a day

And thats just the running around at work. I am not nearly so sedentary as I was in years past. But all the same, if I didn't have the level of activity I do, my weight would not be maintaining. And right now, that is half the battle - at least I'm not gaining.
Things will get better as I can manage my emotional eating binges better. But that will take time; years maybe. It is 22 years of a bad behavior/coping mechanism that I must undo.
All the working out in the world can't fix that.

[Jack_Dawson]

21. 4 miles a day at work?

That's awesome. I wish I got that level of workout at work. Even if I did, I'd sweat through my clothes and probably would be considered unseemly. My heart goes out to you, it really does. BTW, I was never one of those people making fun of you. People metabolize at different rates - that is a fact.

:hug:

[buckettgirl]

27. I'm glad that you're not

one of those people.

I hope that you understand that there are lots of them out there, though.

I'm not looking for sympathy or excuses. I just wanted people to understand the emotional impact of obesity - its so much more than merely overeating, or binging, or being sedentary.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. :hug:

[Jack_Dawson]

38. Thank YOU for taking the time to read my replies!

Unlike these other hair-trigger hatemongers responding to me. :hug:

:beer:

[Progressive_In_NC]

227. 6'5" 350 lber here and I spend 8 hours a week in the gym, and go hiking on the weekend....

I'm down from 400, but in college I was 6'5" 225lbs and then my thyroid went haywire. You would think that 8-9 hours of intense full court basketball with former college players, and the hiking would take it off, but it just won't go away. I've managed to drop 49 lbs in 9 months. This is going to take a long, long while to work my way back.

Now let's just hope my ankles, knees and heart holds out for the next three years while I burn it off.

[jhrobbins]

173. It is absolutely a fact. I have Rheumatoid arthritis and have been

sedentary for a VERY long time. Cardio? Never, ever, because it hurts too much. And yet, I weigh exactly what I weighed in college-162. I guess it's a blessing, but maybe if I didn't have this metabolism, I might force myself to try and move a bit more-so, it's really a double edged sword-at least for me.

[fudge stripe cookays]

194. Not making fun of...

but obviously judging anyone who doesn't "do cardio."

:eyes:

Ever tried exercising when your legs don't want to move or light up on fire when you do? MS sucks, pal.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

141. Have patience

I have had a weight problem all my life as well. What has helped me enormously is the weight loss program at the clinic where I work. I was given an eating plan designed specifically for me, based upon my history, my family health history, and what the doctor learned about my metabolism from tests. Besides an eating plan, we offer emotional and practical support via our naturpathic physician as well as a variety of exercise/fitness programs.

Here's my story: I was obese, and, at age 56, was starting to have joint pain and shortness of breath. I found out about a year and a half ago that the Foundation clinic was going to start the weight loss program (I wasn't working there then). I was the first to sign up--and found out a couple of things. One, I've got hypothyroidism, which must be monitored and regulated by prescription drugs. Second, I'm extremely carbohydrate sensitive, and I have serious glycemic issues. But the diet I was given was one I found easy to live with, once I was given recipes and encouragement by our ND. She even gave me recipes for things I could binge on when I had an emotional crisis--and it has worked. I lost one to two pounds a week until I reached my setpoint, which is at the high end of the normal weight range for my height--the same weight I carried when I was in my twenties. This took a year. My fitness class is taught by a personal trainer who has individualized the exercises we should do at home so that they meet our individual goals. I have gained strength in my back by doing some Pilates exercises and have finally gotten better balance by doing Yoga exercises she has prescribed.

If you wish to lose weight because of health issues, I would encourage you to find a program like ours. Some of our patients, we have found, have problems losing weight not because of lack of willpower but rather because of metabolic issues--malabsorption, food allergies and sensitivities, even yeast issues!

[truedelphi]

208. Could you share your snack list - It might help some of us

When I am eating to soothe myself, I know I shoud go for the carrot sticks and what not, but don't.

Sometimes something healthy like cauliflower w/ very small amount of butter and salt will soothe me. And even w/ a lil butter, it is better than same number of calories from a chocolate bar or potato chips.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

222. For me, carrots are a no-no

That's right--that vegetable is too high on the glycemic index for my diet, and I'm not supposed to eat them (good for me, since I never liked them!) I hesitate to give you all my snacks, because the eating plan I'm on was designed specifically for me. I have to severely restrict carbs but can eat fats freely. Realize that I'm being monitored to make sure my cholesterol doesn't rise, and I am taking nutritional precautions in the form of supplementation to help as well. That being said, here's a few snack ideas for someone on a low carb/low glycemic diet--

English Walnuts. They are high in omega 3 fatty acids, and very low in carbs. They make a great snack on their own, or you can sprinkle them with garlic salt (savory) or powdered stevia (sweet).

Edomame. This is green soybeans. They can be eaten alone or blended into a dip.

Sunflower kernels. Check the label of the flavored ones to make sure there are no added carbs. I usually get the salted ones. Salted almonds and macadamia nuts also have a low carb count and are quite satisfying. I have to buy non-salted dry roasted peanuts, because the salted ones contain sugar! Peanuts and peanut butter are ok if they are made only of peanuts.

Plain yogurt. Make sure you get unsweetened. There are carbs, so use judiciously.

Mayonnaise-get the real deal, not the "low fat" kind--"low fat" items tend to ADD carbohydrates. Use good mayo generously in dips.

A couple of dip recipes:

Edomame-walnut dip--got this one from the California Walnut Board website, and modified it to my taste. Put equal amounts of edomame and walnuts in a blender with a dollop of yogurt and two dollops of mayo. Add a small handful of fresh parsley and some garlic and sea salt. Makes a very satisfying dip--I use pepper wedges or slices of zucchini or summer squash for dipping. Play around with the amounts of the ingredients and the seasonings to create your own version.

Secret sauce--got this from our resident naturpath--mix equal amounts of yogurt and mayo in a bowl. Dust with nutritional yeast. Add soy sauce to taste. I also add garlic because I love the added zing. This dip was the hit of our Healthy Holiday Buffet we held for the people who donate generously to the Foundation--and none of them were overweight, btw. I always love it when a "diet" recipe is liked by all.

If your idea of a snack is something salty and crunchy, here's another thing you can do, especially in the summer. Wash and thinly slice summer squash or zucchini and put the slices in a food dryer. I top each slice with -- you guessed it-- garlic salt, but you can use any kind of seasoning you like, or leave them plain. In about 12 hours, the chips are ready to eat. They keep for a day IF you seal them up tightly.

If your idea of a snack is smooth, sweet, and chocolate, make chocolate guacamole. Mash a ripe avocado into a bowl. Add powdered cocoa and stevia to taste. It has the consistency of chocolate pudding and is very yummy.

[truedelphi]

241. I knew abt some of these, but had forgotten to do them

Lately.

And the avocado pudding sounds very delish.

[JDPriestly]

154. Walking at work does not count.

You have to do something that causes your heart to work. But before that, you need to find the right doctor. I assure you if you really walked four miles a day with your weight, you would not be worried about your weight, you would be worried about your knees and your feet.

Your beggest problem is that you don't like yourself. Your second biggest problem is that you don't realize that there is a greater dimension to your problem than how you feel about yourself and that is what will happen to you if you ever have to have surgery. Talk to a doctor about that.

You have to get a handle on things. Take an inventory of your life and think about the things you have to be thankful for. If you like lifting weights, try mixing that with a treadmill. You can read while you are on a treadmill. Once you can do the treadmill and gradually speed up on it it, you really will be able to walk with a little speed. It's fun. Maybe you can even work up to running in time. Emotional binges are fine as long as you are eating lettuce or spinach. It's not altogether how much you eat, it is also what you eat. Study calories.

And drink the right amount of water. Many people think they are hungry when they are actually thirsty for water.

Also, you don't have to be super thin. You just want to be a reasonable weight. If you are 6 feet tall, you don't want to weigh 130 pounds. Just set a goal to lose a certain amount of weight that is reasonable. Being too thin is not good either.

If your husband loves you, then you have something to be very thankful for. Some friends of mine have had a lot of success losing weight by joining support groups for weight loss. If you have a thankful, loving personality, people won't care so much that you are too fat or too thin or whatever. Validate other people. Think about making them feel good and you will soon feel better about yourself.

Hate to give so much advice, but I've lived a pretty good, long time and seen and gone through a lot and you seem to be asking for advice. Actually, if you were here, I would probably focus on your good qualities and ignore your weight, but since you brought it up . . . . .

[buckettgirl]

167. I can tell you

That I am well schooled on nutrition, lifestyle, and exercise.

I can also tell you that when I come home from work my knees and my feet ache like there's no tomorrow, but so it goes; I wear good shoes and deal with the rest.

I can also tell you that My only weight goal has been 200lbs; and to at least make it to a size 18 someday. I have no illusions about being super thin. I also know that if I ever did make my goal weight I would likely have to have surgery to remove excess skin.

For as much as I appreciate your well-meaning advice, I think it is appropriate to point out that fat people always get advice - "if only you changed this, or tried this, or did this instead" When really, advice is probably the last thing we need - we know we are fat and we need you to be supportive of our efforts. Well-rounded support can work wonders; sometimes we need advice, sometimes we need a workout partner, sometimes we just need a shoulder to cry on.

[jhrobbins]

174. This kinda, sorta reminds me of my partner. He isn't overweight,

but he does have obsessive compulsive disorder and I have come to understand what a problem it is and how there is little he can do for it. He takes the proscribed medications and they do address the rituals a bit, but they do not make them go away. I laugh now with him when he tells stories about turning the lights on and off as a child (and I mean 3-4 dozen times until 'something' in him is satisfied) and his mother yelling, 'Mark, stop that'. Why didn't he think about that - just stop that. His life and everyone's that is challenged by OCD is impacted in many, many different ways; most of them not positive, but he trucks on. He has actually co-opted me into helping with some of the rituals so that he can actually use the refrigerator and washing machine. (I found out once that when I had gone out of town for a week, he was unable to get into the refrigerator and instead bought ice from the 7-11 to keep things until I got back.
Does this make any sense about your situation?

[JDPriestly]

199. A neighbor of mine had some kind of surgery in order to lose

weight. She is delighted with the result. I have also met people who had that surgery and were not so happy with the result. I'm sure you have talked to all kinds of doctors, but there must be some help.

One of my sisters who is very overweight (much shorter than you) just goes about leading her happy lifestyle. She has had to have back surgery -- the price for her weight, but she loves to cook, she loves food and she lives with her weight. That is another approach. I love her dearly and I also love her cooking and her joyful way. She is very generous and kind.

You seem to project a lot of rejection on other people. My sisters who are very overweight are among the most loved and most popular people I know. That is because they are among the most caring people I know.

You choices are to either lose weight or, if you really can't or don't want to, change your attitude and start thinking about others. Get to know some happy fat people. I assure you there are lots of wonderful happy fat people who light up the world. No one looks down on them.

My grandmother was very fat, and I adored sitting on her lap as a child. She was so soft and kind and loving. It's not how you look that is the problem. It is what you think of yourself.

So you have two choices: change yourself or love yourself. Otherwise you can just stay miserable. But it's your choice. Don't blame other people and stop projecting your anger at yourself on them.

[The Doctor.]

203. Good work.

It's VERY hard, and so much of it is the psychology of diet. All your experience, your very development, was accompanied by your eating habits throughout your life. Your habits are completely intertwined with who you are... as you are quite aware. You really would have to become a different person on the path to a better lifestyle. That's hard to do for anyone regardless of how self-aware and motivated they are.

The self-disgust that's been ingrained in you by an unfair society is, as you realize, one of the greatest obstacles to getting into a healthy weight... and that doesn't mean 'skinny'.

When I was doing weight management and fitness training, it was always the hardest part to get past. Self-sustaining cycles of depression an weight gain are hard to break. I had to tell people that their life span couldn't be measured in decades if they didn't lose some weight. Losing weight is just as much about having reasons to like yourself as it is about being realistic.

You have to like yourself to want to take care of yourself.

And you have good reasons to like yourself.

After that, it's not about dieting, it's about diet management. I know you know a great deal about nutrition and diet (OMG... I can't tell you how many people I had to talk off of that horrific Atkins scam), but if you go to the gym, all you need is a 2500 calorie/day, low/mid-glycemic diet... it's the counting and discipline that's the problem after that. As it is, your RMR is easily above 3000 even if you suffer hypothyroidism. It actually calculates out to between 4700 and 4900 cal/day depending on your age.

I spent several years putting my voice in people's heads. They would tell me they heard it every time they were about to go out the door without breakfast, when they were shopping, and every time hunger hit when there was only garbage available. They paid me not just to help them exercise, but to be a part of their new daily routine even when I wasn't there. A voice like that, one that reminds you of everything you know about food and nutrition whenever you shop or eat, couldn't hurt.


There are reasons to love you, and there are reasons to love yourself. We want you around as long as we can keep you, so please, give yourself a hug, and take care of yourself.

Oh, and here's one from me too;
:hug:

[Joe Chi Minh]

214. Be careful with exercise, if you are overweight. Imo, it's better to try to develop

your interior life, rather like people with a major alcohol problem. As with religious, spiritual growth, it entails repeated acts of will, not a single decision that you plan to adhere to.

There is a book you may be acquainted with, written by a spiritual writer I believe in the Middle Ages, called The Cloud of Unknowing. In it, the author, evidently speaking of sins that aren't unspeakably vile, suggests that when the pressure of a temptation occurs to you (as it continues to throught our lives), if it becomes a big deal, you should simply pretend to yourself that you've just given in to it!

I used a slight variant of it to stop smoking decades ago now. I've come across people who were strong enough to do it "cold turkey", but I couldn't. What I did find quite easy though, was to tell myself I hade every intention of smoking a bit later, but right now, I didn't want to. In a few minutes. And I kept doing it every few minutes until it eventually went away. And now I find even the smell of cigarette or ciger smoke foul. Of course, hunger is different and, in principle, has a rationale. But though I don't have a problem with food, I often find that if I eat too much it makes me more hungry, I mean it makes me hungry much sooner, so I'll have another snack before hitting the pit, instead of at breakfast next morning.

Another help, particularly with regard to any gnawing addiction, is a simple acceptance of suffering. The mood, the anxiety will pass. Each day is a new life. People will always believe what they want to. That is a constant. African Americans put up with that every waking hour. Heck, they crucified Christ and jeered at him as he hung on the cross - a man who, in all his life, had never done anything but good to those around him, apparently at no little personal cost. Don't hang onto bad memories of people in the past or the present.

An addiction should also be viewed as an opportunity to enrich your own interior life. If you read some of the addiction stories
on here you realise what remarkable people have merged or are emerging from their private purgatories, who might have gone through life on a much more shallow level, heedless of the much deeper dimension of the human spirit we were created for.

Well, I hope this makes some sense to you, but above all don't jog, and don't work out energetically. Fitness fanatics have ponked it, and less fit forty year-olds going back to playing squash, for example.

We had a somewhat obese boy in our year at school, who seemed to have an inherited metabolic problem, and I don't ever remember any of us being nasty to him. We were concerned that he turned a bluey colour after our fairly short cross-country runs, and he was soon excused from it. I think females tend to be more prone to bullying, and are generally, worse. Of course, a lot of the mob mentality involved is fear of being the victim. Just so long as its someone else.

[QueenOfCalifornia]

184. Why don't you just

STFU.

You are what this woman is talking about.

[Bunny]

10. WTF is your problem????

Jesus Christ someone pours their heart out and all you can say is that this is in the wrong forum and oh, by the way, you should try cardio??? Are you seriously that obtuse?

Can I ask if you were born an asshole, or did you work at it your whole life? Cause really, I'd like to know.

[lib_wit_it]

93. Word!

[mysticalchick]

119. My thoughts exactly ...

... respond to the intensity of her feeling and courage in putting it all out there. Lord have mercy.

[Dorian Gray]

123. I have to say

that this was my initial reaction to his response, too. It ignored everything in the letter. But the OP had a much more even response than I did, so I'll allow for her dialog with him to go without being nasty myself at this point.

[nannycee]

180. That's what I was trying to say! Thanks, Bunny! n/t

[Radical Activist]

228. heh

yeah.

[H2O Man]

11. Respectfully disagree.

I think that it is an important contribution, that is posted in exactly the right place.

[hlthe2b]

15. ditto.... Mods, please leave this right here... It is IMPORTANT!

[Hepburn]

158. Make that another ditto on what H20 posted!

I kind of have a weight problem now ~~ they gave me steroids about 5-6 years ago for an orthopedic problem...and my metabolism went NUTS! Before that? NEVER my whole life did I ever have any weight problem ever. In fact, when I was pregnant, I gained a whole 17-3/4 pounds...and I weighed less the day after giving birth than when I got pregnant.

I was the gal for 55 years that all my pals hated for what I could eat in one setting and NEVER gain an ounce: I could drink a pitcher of beer, eat two medium sized pizzas and half a chocolate cake and at 5'10-1/2" tall, I always weighed between 127 and 137.

Get this: To me back in those days, 137 pounds at my height was OUTRAGEOUSLY heavy. :eyes: Little did I know.

The steriods put about 65 pounds on me almost instantly...and I have lost a lot of it...but now instead of being able to eat like a line backer, I have to watch every damn thing that goes into my mouth.

So...I can truly now understand why some people simply cannot lose weight. It was a struggle to get 50 pounds off, but thank gawd for Nutrisystem ~~ it really worked for me and I actually like the food. And the pounds came off in about 2 - 3 months with no problem.

But, boy, do I hate giving up a lifetime of being able to eat ANYTHING I wanted, whenever I wanted it. My mother was like that, too: She used to have to drink milkshakes with her meals to keep her weight up. Tall and thin all of her life.

[G_j]

23. I think it belongs right here.

:shrug:

[Name removed]

25. Deleted sub-thread

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[hlthe2b]

179. What happened in the subthread below...

It was just a couple of posts echoing the importance of keeping the thread here, when I went to bed...:shrug:

[Sarah Ibarruri]

31. There's currently a large study undertaken to show what scientists now believe is the...

...genetic reason obese people overeat. People do not overeat for the reasons society believes and believed. These people do not overeat because they under-exercise, eat the wrong foods, are slovenly, suffer from depression, from sadness, are lazy, suffer from weak character, etc. etc. etc.

The reason people who end up obese overeat is genetically LOWER dopamine in the brain, due to a genetic variation of the allele Taq1A1.

Individuals who eat foods and as a result have a HIGH (and necessary) dopamine activity in the brain, do not require overeating and are therefore average size or slim.

Individuals who eat the SAME foods but whose genetic makeup causes a LOW dopamine activity in the brain, end up requiring further eating in order to obtain the necessary dopamine reaction. These last tend to become fat or obese because they need to continue eating in order to reach the same necessary level as the others.


http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/10/081016141415.htm


http://scienceandreason.blogspot.com/2008/11/dopamine-and-obesity.html


http://accidentalmind.org/obesity_food_addiction_blun.html


http://www.physorg.com/news111634795.html

[buckettgirl]

37. I believe it

When I binge eat, it is because I am needing to be comforted/soothed. This is how I self-soothe.
I found that when I binge, it is comparable to getting high - only this is legal. I get the same floaty feeling as I did when I smoked weed back in the day.
(In fact, this is how I explained it to my husband, as he did not understand why I had developed a food addiction)

[Jack_Dawson]

39. Wellbutrin

It stimulates the dopamine receptors. That's why it's one of the few anti-depressants that (generally speaking) help you LOSE weight.

:beer:

[buckettgirl]

48. Tried it

I had heart palpitations when I was on it - even on a reduced dose. That was pretty scary.

[AirmensMom]

112. It also can cause seizures.

It's not exactly harmless.

[JDPriestly]

155. True. I know someone who lost weight taking Wellbutrin.

When he cut back, he started gaining again. He had been severely depressed, and the Wellbutrin got him back on track so that he was able to gradually cut down on it. The drawback was that Wellbutrin impeded his memory to some extent -- maybe because he did not need as much any more.

[meow2u3]

210. I had the opposite effect with Wellbutrin

I freakin' gained weight when I was on Wellbutrin! How's that when the meds are supposed to help one lose the excess bacon!?

edit: spelling

[Sarah Ibarruri]

49. Exactly. Tho the so-called "food addiction" is a genetic condition, and should be called that

Also, because it involves dopamine, people with this genetic condition who attempt to diet probably end up depressed, or suffering the emotional and physical effects of low dopamine. I think perhaps if any diet can be arrived at for people like this, it's got to be a very specialized, medical one. (Tho if they came up with a medication to alleviate the dopamine situation that would be great).

Oh and also, exercising is very tough for an overweight person, so it has to be done slowly and with med supervision.

[Hepburn]

162. I am the opposite:

If I am happy, I eat. If I am sad? I cannot even drink water let alone eat.

I wonder why I react the opposite...:shrug:

[jhrobbins]

177. because you are a human being and we have a jillion different

responses to the same situation/stimuli.

[eridani]

102. That's just one of many reasons

Syndrome X is a prime culprit for both weight gain in adulthood and type II diabetes. Only some fat people have higher than aveage calorie intake.

[Sarah Ibarruri]

165. That could be too. Syndrome X is a problem with the ovaries, right?

And recently I was reading that the toxic environment we live, breathe and eat is highly estrogenic, causing our reproductive system to go literally nuts, which might be to blame for some of the obesity and a lot of the reproductive cancers, which have increased beyond all belief.

[joshcryer]

105. Humans weren't evolved to eat 90% of the garbage we consume.

I would bet that has a *lot* to do with it, making such a genetic variation stand out more than it would if everyone had a more diverse and healthy diet not consisting of garbage synthetics.

[Sarah Ibarruri]

166. You're right! You know, my roots are Spanish (all my grandparents are from Spain)...

Whenever I lived in Spain (I've lived there more than once), I didn't have to diet AT ALL and yet I ate lots of lard, lots of fat, lots in general, chocolate, hot chocolate, croissants, you name it. However, because it was less toxic, the environment MUCH less stressful, towns and cities are designed to be livable, and one need not visit a gym because walking is necessary, so one walks a lot, I felt 100% better and didn't have to diet at all.

Whenever I've been back here, I feel unhealthy, just not right, and have to resort to diets, gyms and visits to the doctor. :(

[skepticscott]

114. That all sounds terribly scientific

but it doesn't address the question of why obesity has exploded in our country only over the last 20 years or so, and has not done so to anything like the same degree in most other countries. Did this genetic mutation simply appear out of nowhere in the US gene pool during the Reagan administration? Or is the reality that it has been around a lot longer, but that people are just less active and more self-indulgent when it comes to food now? It is just a monstrous coincidence that the rise in obesity has come when marketing is now doing such a good job of persuading people to eat 4 or 5 fast food meals a day, and to always get double portions of everything?

Did people during the 30's, 40's and 50's have to use genetics as an excuse for being overweight? And if not, why not, if this urge to eat too much was pretty much irresistible, as you claim?

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

142. One reason we have the obesity problem now

is the huge change in our food. High fructose corn syrup is an example--it is found in just about everything nowadays--even salad dressing! It adds calories and can cause all kinds of mischief with one's insulin levels, but it is a cheap additive with a certain amount of addictive properties in it. Overprocessed grains, such as wheat, leave only the starch and not the vitamins, minerals, and fiber, and again play havoc with insulin levels.

Another factor leading to obesity is the lack of exercise. I walked to school, and then played outdoors after classes (this was the 50s and 60s). Children tend to exercise less now, and snack more, which contributes to the problem as well.

But don't think that people seventy years ago didn't use genetics as an excuse for being overweight, because they did. My maternal grandparents were both very overweight, and it "ran in the family".

[skepticscott]

168. High fructose corn syrup is not a good thing

but in its most insidious manifestation, sweetened soft drinks, it's just a substitute for what used to be there, which is plain old sugar, just as high in calories and low in nutrition. Over-processed grains preceded our current obesity epidemic by at least 10-20 years. And it is not genetics that makes people order a 32 ounce regular soda instead of a 16 ounce diet, or two Whoppers instead of one...it's a choice. So is not exercising.

And certainly there were fat people 70 years ago, but not a whole generation that was chronically overweight. It simply wasn't anything like the problem it is now, and people pleading primarily a genetic excuse, as opposed to overindulgent lifestyle and diet choices, need to explain that.

[JDPriestly]

157. Obesity has exploded because of corn syrup. It's really quite simple.

Also, we eat an incredible amount of refined wheat products and a lot of refined sugar. Cut those things out of your diet and you are more likely to maintain a reasonable weight. Oh, and alcohol is the big problem. You burn the calories from alcohol first and what you eat with the alcohol goes to fat. Yes, some of us use foods differently than others, but some foods put on weight faster and more easily than others. A cookie or a plate of salad -- which do you prefer? I prefer the salad, but a lot of people don't.

[Sarah Ibarruri]

164. You're right, there are still questions to be addressed....

There are many questions to be addressed as to why certain DISEASES have exploded in the past few years. For example, AUTISM has increased and is increasing exponentially. Scientists don't know why. Some say it's the toxic environment we're surrounded by, from the blankets we touch, to the paper, to what we swallow, what we breathe, etc. Nothing is not toxic. Could be that once our bodies go completely toxic, they don't function properly. Who knows?

Fact is, tho, that they've seen the dopamine-overeating connection and they're running a huge test of that.

As for the 30s and 40s, no of course people then accused overeaters of being overweight. Back then in the 30s and 40s, people also thought that you could literally torture mental illness out of people, as witnessed by the horrific documentaries on mental institutions back then. The fact that we were so ignorant on many things back then, should not justify us refusing to find out causes and insisting on giving the same old tired blame to things that are actually illnesses.

[skepticscott]

171. The bottom line remains

that there has been no change in our genetics that corresponds to the increase in obesity in American society. We weren't this fat 30 years ago, and people in most other countries still aren't. A claim that 70% of obesity is due to genetics simply doesn't square with that. And one explanation for the increase in autism is simply that it's being diagnosed much more, not necessarily that children are being afflicted more. If environmental factors do play a part, that's something people have much less control over than what and how much they eat, and how much they exercise. (BTW, it's equally true that nothing is toxic).

Not sure what mental illness has to do with anything, but we knew then as well as we know now that overeating is likely to make you overweight, and that hasn't changed. There were just a lot fewer fat people back then. Certainly, one reason for that is that people didn't have as many potentially unhealthy diet choices as we do now, nor have unhealthy diet choices ever been as aggressively marketed as they are now, but this doesn't change the fact that they are choices.

[Sarah Ibarruri]

176. All right, let's discuss me....

Tho not obese by any means, whenever I live in Spain (which I've done off and on for a while - my grandparents are all from Spain and I have lots of family there), I don't to a gym, don't exercise, and eat FAR MORE than I eat here in the U.S. and more of the foods that are forbidden here: lard, fatty meats, croissants, butter, chocolate, hot and bar type, yet I LOSE WEIGHT.

When I return to live here, I GAIN 20 to 30 lbs, then I end up switching from diet to diet, signing up with a gym, feeling sickly, etc.

Explain that!

[QueenOfCalifornia]

192. During my trips to Spain

I made 11 of them and stayed for a month every summer - I always lost weight. Not because I tried but the diet was healthy - I am not into eating sweets so that helps - I ate fresh fish every day and salads - I also drank plenty of the very good local white wines. I ate the bread and I did not restrict anything from my diet but I always came home 5 to 10 pounds less than when I went.

I love the Spanish cuisine. Mmmmmmm. :)

(Oh, and don't get me wrong, I did have the occasional dessert and they were fabulous.)

[Sarah Ibarruri]

221. I guess it must be healthier than here. However, I'm from the Middle area of Spain and we eat....

very few salads, LOTS of grease, lots of fat, etc. Fish for sure, but lots of other things. If I ate here what I eat over there, they'd have to wheel me around in a wheelbarrow.

I always lose weight over there and gain it here.

[Joe Chi Minh]

215. Obesity has become a problem in the UK, and I wonder if it's due to

the multiple stresses our Anglo-Saxon economic model and the demented neo-liberal corporatism has given rise to. Poverty in the twenties and thirties must have caused immense stresses, but our societies seem to have become more chaotic and the sense of community, of shared sufferings may have diminished in proportion: anomie.

[wildeyed]

170. This makes sense.

There is a physiological basis for my addiction to alcohol and drugs. When I watched a show about food addiction, I immediately recognized the same behaviors; the strong compulsion to binge eat, secretiveness, etc. So I figured that there must also be a physiological basis for food addiction.

But food addiction is harder to deal with. It is relatively simple for me to not drink, which keeps my addiction at bay. You can't not eat. It is not compatible with life.

[Joe Chi Minh]

216. It may be helpful, on the other hand, with the discussion of the various

factors such as the person's metabolism, that the bottom line will always remain that there will be an optimal weight-range to try remain within; that whatever your metabolism, your actual food intake requirement will remain the same. I assume that's the case, anyway.

[AwakeAtLast]

32. You are the reason this letter was written

That hug emoticon is offensive - it takes a lot of nerve to put that there after subtley trashing this post.

:thumbsdown:

[Kali]

42. jesus christ! miss the point much?

[Jack_Dawson]

51. Easy now...

Read my replies. You're judging a book by itz cover.

:beer:

[QueenOfCalifornia]

191. First of all...

I am judging exactly what I read in post #2. "This post belongs in the lounge."

The OP is much nicer than I am but I stand by what I said - and that is to STFU. You came across as a jerk and I think you may know that by now. You may want to apologize to the lady who wrote her feelings and was brave enough to press the "Post message" button.

My heart went out to her and this is why:

I was tortured by the popular kids during high school - The ones who stole my year book and wrote mean and terrible things about me and then slipped the yearbook back on my desk. I burned the year book that I had bought because of the guys who wanted to give me advice about me, they said terrible things about my body and my geekiness. I was the geeky smart girl who was so skinny and tall that no one would ever "want" me. I ran every day and I rode horses and read books. I was judged by the jocks and the cheerleaders who decided I would never amount to anything. I was not like them, nope... I tried to kill myself because people wanted me to have a different body type and I should have dressed differently and worn makeup. Being flat chested was a source of powerful amusement for the mouth-breathing dumbfucks who taunted me every chance they got.

Damned right I was nothing like them. I would have never responded to the OP by dismissing her and saying it was not worthy of being in this part of the DU because once again, she is not worthy.

I have since seen the "athletes" who made fun of my lanky, tall, flat frame - One was a fat slob who was sitting on a bar stool and bitching about the Damned Democrats who are ruining the country. One was a guy who made it through Jr. College and became a car salesman. One of those cheerleaders had 2 babies before she was 20 and then went to prison for drunk driving and killing someone. She LAUGHED about her life and said she had paid the price - btw, her 6 kids were in foster care and she was not sorry about killing the 50 year old man while she drove drunk - That man had 2 kids and a wife - Why the ignorant bitch found this amusing I will never know - she and her friends had stuffed me in a trash can during lunch on the HS quad to humiliate me back in 1972 - I never forgot it and I never will. I am pretty sure she is a sociopath.

I didn't turn out so bad. I graduated at the top of my class with a degree in behavioral psychology. I had a career in advertising and became a TV comedy writer. I worked hard and traveled the world and was always afraid to marry and have my own kids because I didn't want them to go through what I had suffered as a kid. I married 10 years ago and now have 2 great kids - I am far from perfect but I am happy that I didn't die during my suicide attempt.

So when I see a person write a thoughtful and well written post telling all who want to bother to read it all about her pain and her need to be accepted I do not expect some jughead to tell her to go away... which is exactly what you said to her.

I would tell you this to your face so come on over to my place - I live about 5 minutes from Qualcomm where the Chargers will hopefully win against Indianapolis - I never miss a game and I have never turned my back on them - win or lose, they are my team too.

Please have some compassion and apologize for the nastiness in post #2. :)

[undeterred]

69. Its a wonderful letter and it belongs right where it is.

Your comments, Jack Dawson, show that you are just a garden variety brainwashed male who thinks he has the right to scold and judge and objectify women and their bodies. How pedestrian of you.

I'm sorry for your "condition". I didn't see the word "psychotherapy" but its an avenue you should try before you post again. Just saying.

Edit: You should see a feminist psychotherapist, of course, and maybe try some group therapy for insensitve males.

[rhett o rick]

83. And I read your whole post. First of all it should be in the trash. And it goes down hill from there

If the OP had mentioned working out or cardio would you be more respectful? I doubt it.

[Zhade]

91. You missed the entire fucking point.

NT!

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

94. self-delete

[Occam Bandage]

99. Agree. Surprisingly, even fat people's bodies obey the laws of physics. nt

[awoke_in_2003]

146. not this shit again...

just because you know how to spell the word "physics" does not mean you know what the hell you are talking about. I am a mech engineer working on my second BS (aerospace). I know a thing or two about physics. Metabolism or medical disorders have nothing to do with it. Falls more into the biochemistry area (which I have only limited knowledge of). Saying metabolism obeys the laws of physics is like saying just because your head is normal size means your brain must function normally (which doesn't seem to be the case here)

[Occam Bandage]

206. And metabolic disorders have little to nothing to do with obesity, either.

The recent epidemic of obesity is not caused by a nationwide mitochondrial work stoppage. It is caused by societal lifestyle shifts. There is indeed a small and ever-shrinking chance that an individual fat person is fat because their body is incapable of correctly processing food. Such people are few.

For the overwhelming majority of fat people, decreasing energy input while increasing voluntary energy output will decrease energy reservoirs (that is to say, involuntary energy output will not drop to the extent that it will make up the entirety of the difference). Adipose tissue does not possess an eternally self-replenishing magic sugar-forge that conjures glucose from the ether. Your degreewanking does not have anything to do with anything. I'm surprised you'd think my tongue-in-cheek invocation of physics was as far-removed from the situation as you are.

[tbyg52]

138. >>First of all, this should be in the lounge.

Oh yeah? From what I've been reading (I don't get on the board every day), there's been plenty of anti-fat-people stuff *not* in the lounge lately, so why should this be there?

Secondly, I'll promise not to give you advice on how you drive, whether you need plastic surgery, whatever, if you promise not to give me advice on exercise.

Yes, I'm grumpy on this point. ;)

[Runcible Spoon]

159. why don't you post your entire lifestyle so we can critique and belittle. Include photos.

Oh but I bet you are PERFECT, being a patronizing dick aside!

[H2O Man]

3. Nominated.

Thank you for this.

Your friend,
H2O Man

[Berry Cool]

4. K&R

oh...and one question: does that husband of yours have any brothers like him?? :-)

[Berry Cool]

5. Looks like another accidental dupe

sorry about that. :-)

[SharonRB]

7. ...

:hug:

[sandnsea]

9. Thanks,

When my thyroid was out of whack, and I didn't know it, I got just a little taste of what you're talking about. It's no fun. People don't get it.

[buckettgirl]

14. Exactly

Thats my point with writing this. In addition to being VERY emotionally therapeutic; people who have never had a weight problem truly don't understand the emotional side of it. People who grew up bullying the fat kids don't understand that this is what they did.
I also know that I didn't get to the size that I am because I'm "normal" in my head. It won't matter how many diets I try or lifestyle changes I try to make; I can't heal my body until I heal my mind.

[hlthe2b]

12. I can not recommend your post more highly... nor wish

more that I could move through the screen to speak with you in person--to let you know how I was touched by your letter, how I could in many ways relate to your letter and just how many people I know who likewise may share some part of your experience. You speak for them all. I will bookmark your posting to come back to, whenever (as was the case recently) I have to counter those who somehow feel obesity is an acceptable focus for their hate and prejudice.


Anyone who can express themselves as you have done is clearly a warm, intelligent, articulate and loving person. I am proud of you and what you have been able to convey in your words--for all of us, large or small, tall or short, or whatever our personal "defect" might be perceived to be. Best wishes to you. Always. :yourock:

[mysticalchick]

121. Same feelings here ...

Thank you for putting it into words.

[dorktv]

13. You know...sometimes people are fat cuz they are lazy (like me!)

But for the most part it is because some asshole never knew how to treat another person right, they have family genes that make them fat and/or other medical problems.

I am surprised I am not more messed up about food then I am since I was on a diet since practically birth (stepmother thought we should have been thinner then we were) but unfortunately for her, I was born heavy and never really put the effort into being a twig like she wanted us kids to be.

Losing weight takes a concentrated effort for a long period of time and if you have a genetic predisposition to being "overweight" you are completely f'ed from the get go. Not so easy to say "just do not eat!" when that makes you feel better about life. And your body metabolizes slowly because that was a survivial strategy from the days that getting food was way more uncertain then now...

Glad you have a loving family around you kid. :hug:

[elshiva]

19. Don't call yourself lazy, honey.

"I am surprised I am not more messed up about food then I am since I was on a diet since practically birth (stepmother thought we should have been thinner then we were) but unfortunately for her, I was born heavy and never really put the effort into being a twig like she wanted us kids to be."

As you say, it does have a lot to do with conditioning, mental and physical health.

[dorktv]

24. Nah, I could exercise if I want to. I am one of the lucky few who has a

job that allows me to afford a gym and the time to work out.

Granted it would cut into my reading and screwing around time but...Never been interested in exercise.

[elshiva]

35. You make another good point.

You have "a job that allows me to afford a gym and the time to work out." Not everyone has that. Also, I have issues with severe adominable pain so I can't work out even if I had a job and etc.

I'm not that interested in exercise, either. :hug:

[dorktv]

46. Nope, not everyone does, which is why I can admit I am a lazy overeater but

point out that not everyone is like me and some people cannot possibly manage to eat carrot sticks and not gain weight.

:hug:

[hfojvt]

238. a woman who lost 150 pounds, told me that carrots and corn are fattening

and I was like "WTF? Aren't those vegetables?" But, of course, beef cattle are fattened up on corn.

Anyway, carrot sticks was a bad example. Try celery.

Of course, I, myself, would rather take a sharp stick to the eye than eat a celery stick (shudder)

[awoke_in_2003]

151. To expound on the "job that allows you to"...

some people have to work two jobs to get by, and have to rely on fast food, or less nutritional quickly made food, to get by. Couple this with the added stress of two jobs, and it doesn't help any at all.

Please note: this wasn't directed at you, but to the asshats in the thread suggesting it is an eating problem only.

[elshiva]

16. I love you, buckettgirl.

:hug: :hug: :loveya: I am about your weight and size. And yes, I was called a lot of the same names. Thank goodness high school is over. :hug:

[Name removed]

17. Deleted sub-thread

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[flvegan]

40. My lats and shoulders might spill over into yours.

Bet you don't say shit to me.

Ass.

[ben_meyers]

80. You would lose that bet.

[flvegan]

82. Indeed.

You'd get out of my way before I did yours.

[hlthe2b]

84. cheering from the peanut gallery...

:toast: here, here! ;)

[FemaleDemfromMass]

18. Hugs to you

and thank you for writing this.

[WolverineDG]

22. Hear! Hear!!

:applause:

dg

[Two Americas]

26. excellent

Excellent essay. Very courageous.

Recommended.

[Deep13]

28. I don't hate you.

I was a rail in school, but I'm pretty fat now. My lovely, delightful wife is not exactly a dainty little thing either. It does not make you any less respectable or valuable as a person. And having been on the receiving end of ridicule, I'm sure that you are a better person that average.

I've inherited the fat gene from my mother. (I inherited the bad-English-teeth gene from my father.) Nevertheless, I don't like being fat. I don't like what it does to my life expectancy or how it limits what I can do. So, I'll be hitting the gym and eliminating snacks in a couple weeks. (I have a gigantic project at work and I don't want to change my routine while it is in progress.) Those things have helped me before. Being fat is a failure of evolution. The human body is built for scarcity and it conserves calories when it gets them. Some individuals and ethnic groups have much more conserving genes than others. Apparently, Normandy in France is one of those places where the conservation gene hit pretty hard. Of course when these scarcity genes run into modern abundance, we get screwed. And that is why this is why blaming victims is a bad idea. This isn't any more of a moral issue than bad eyesight or bad English teeth. I don't hate myself for being fat. I just know that nobody is going to do anything about it if I don't. But that's for me. Your own situtation is up to you, of course.

:hug:

[Jack_Dawson]

44. How do you post w/o that "edited" thing?

That's awesome. :beer:

[Deep13]

156. What do you mean? nt

[buckettgirl]

62. "I just know that nobody is going to do anything about it if I don't. "

Absolutely on point.
I think it just sucks that peoples words and actions, and society in general, can contribute so much to the problem to begin with - through thoughtless disrespect, and discrimination all the way to convenience food.
But we are the ones left alone for damage control. No matter how much of a support system, you still have to be the one to follow through.

[mrbarber]

29. "I know how I got to this size, and you have as much to do with it as I do."

At some point your going to have to stop blaming other people for you inability to control your addiction.

And this is coming from a recovering alcoholic.

[Zuiderelle]

30. Jesus. I can't believe how much assholery is attracted to this beautiful thread.

[QueenOfCalifornia]

195. I totally

agree.

I am shocked by the fucktards who want to take a shit on what I believe to be one of the best things in GD forever.

I don't get it one bit.

:(

[dorktv]

33. Open Letter person is NOT blaming others exclusively.

She is accepting her own culpability in the addiction she has.

[mrbarber]

41. How so?

"I know how I got to this size, and you have as much to do with it as I do."

Again, blaming other people for your addictions doesn't help and actually hinders the ability to get healthy.

[dorktv]

53. "I know how I got to this size...to do with it as I do"

Seems pretty clear the person knows she was just as responsible. Addiction does not come about in a vacuum.

That is why when you get out of rehab, the worst thing to do is to go hang out with your enablers.

[distantearlywarning]

56. Blame may not help her lose weight.

But that doesn't mean her attributions are incorrect, nor that she doesn't have the right to make them.

The word "blame" has an unnecessarily ugly connotation in this culture. Sometimes people ARE to blame for things, and sometimes they should be informed about that fact.

I think in your case you just don't want to hear the truth about your own behavior and how it has affected other people around you. To avoid the mirror she is holding up to your ugly (internal) face, you're attacking her instead. It's too bad - sounds like you could really use a good long look.

[dorktv]

65. Hear hear!

[ray of light]

135. How about you read the WHOLE thing, instead of one sentence.

I personally find your comments to be over the top. You need to quit project YOUR alcoholism onto a completely different subject. And perhaps had you read the whole thing from top to bottom you wouldn't be showing your self-defense mechanism out here.

I agree with the other posters who told you off.

[QueenOfCalifornia]

196. People who

are in recovery are usually judgmental asses. They wear the cloak of acceptance but the whole time they are doing what you are doing... Being a judgmental ass.

This comes from someone in recovery.

Recovery from people in recovery.

[buckettgirl]

34. But the fact remains

I was a CHILD. I had no control, or direction in my coping mechanisms.
Would things have been different if I had not been tormented? I can't answer that, maybe they wouldn't be.
The fact of the matter is that bullying IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE.
I had habits start as a child as a direct result of how I was treated by my peers.
I can't change the past, but I can (and I am) seeking therapy and following through with lifestyle changes to help myself now. I am the only one who can fix it now.

[mrbarber]

50. Same here.

I was tormented all through my childhood years, both at home and at school.

I know all about bullying.

I also know that the only person who can give you the power over your addiction is yourself.

[Zuiderelle]

59. You are absolutely right to lay some blame on those who abused you.

I lay blame on my father for the insecurities and difficulties I have as a result of his physical and emotional abuse, which led to me being a child who was tormented and abused by my peers as well. It doesn't change the fact that I had to confront my own problems as an adult and work to change myself, but there is NOTHING wrong with recognizing that there are others to blame for what has happened to us. In fact, it is HEALTHY to do so, so that you can understand them and put them away.

:hug: You sound very level-headed and I hope for your continued healing and happiness. You're already a long way on that path at such a young age.

[Joe Chi Minh]

217. You've really got it sorted out in your mind. Everything takes time,

of course, but you give the impression you recognise that viewing the matter as a life-style choice that you can now make as an adult, will be most helpful to you at this stage.

[distantearlywarning]

47. Every time I read a post like this one, I think

"Wow, I hope that's a poster who's headed for a date with karma"

And when I say karma, one of about 20 different things that can happen to a person to make weight an intractable problem which is only marginally related to diet and exercise.

Unlike the OP, I was skinny all my life. Then I got hypothyroid at age 25 and got fat.

Don't think it can't happen to you.

And if there's any justice in the world, the bigger an asshole you are now, the bigger your ass will get when that karma catches up to you. I for one am counting on it.

:evilgrin:

[mrbarber]

54. So I'm an asshole for wanting her to beat her addiction?

yeah, what a jerk I am, wanting her to be healthy.

I should be ashamed of myself.

[dorktv]

55. You are for claiming that she is not accepting responsiblity when it is

clear she IS.

[mrbarber]

57. Claiming other people are just as responsible for her addiction as she is

Is NOT taking responsibility.

[dorktv]

63. So it is all her fault? No one ever told her she was fat so therefore she is

only fat cause she overeats in secret for what exactly?

NO ONE gets addicted to ANYTHING in a vacuum...and she has to take responsiblity for her actions ONLY, not the assholes who think she was fat and therefore felt free to beat her up verbally.

After all, she is fat and who cares how they feel?

[mrbarber]

78. Never said it was all her fault.

But blaming other people for an addiction does not help. At some point you need to let go of the past so that you can fully embrace a healthier future.

And she is saying she's unhappy about her weight. If she was happy, than I say more power to her. I'm not here to pass judgement, and my response would have been the same if she had talked about being addicted to anything.

[Zhade]

92. The bigger problem... is that this dick sees her size as a FAULT.

NT!

[tpsbmam]

68. It most certainly is.

This may not be true for you, but it is for most people....until one understands WHY one acts as one does, the likelihood of changing that behavior permanently is much less. Understanding why one eats emotionally is part of the process -- it helps to know that when trying to curb that kind of eating. I know -- I've been there and I know many other people who have and who continue to battle that issue.

Eating disorders aren't the same as alcoholism in that one has to eat to live and one is faced with food everywhere. You don't have to go into a bar or a liquor store -- she has to go to the grocery store, the kitchen, out to restaurants with her husband & friends, etc etc. This is absolutely NOT to diminish what you've done or the struggles you have, but it is a little different.

[buckettgirl]

73. You can't quit food

I have tried. It just doesn't work.

[distantearlywarning]

58. Be honest.

Your attitude has nothing to do with her being "healthy". You could give a rat's ass about that. That's the socially acceptable face you hide your bigotry and shame behind.

It's really about the fact that she's pointing out something about you that you don't want to hear. Just admit it.

[mrbarber]

61. Wow, that's some serious ASSumptions your making there distantearlywarning.

[distantearlywarning]

169. Hurts, doesn't it?

It sucks when people make assumptions about something about you just by looking at you, huh?

On the internet the only thing someone has to look at is what you write. We can't tell what the size of your ass is, but we can make ASSumptions about the size of your heart. And it looks pretty damn shriveled from where the rest of us are sitting. Maybe you should stop BLAMING other people for your personality problems. After all, you have the choice to be a shitty person on the internet or a nice person. The only person who can take responsibility for how other people perceive you here on DU is you.

By the way, resorting to name-calling is a sure sign that somebody is totally outclassed in an internet flame war. If you don't know how to respond to someone smarter than you, you might appear less foolish if you just don't say anything at all. Just some friendly advice. :hi:

[ray of light]

136. You're a jerk because of what you said and how you said it.

And if you wanted her to be healthy you'd have found a better way to offer support.

[mdmc]

126. we are all heading there

..to that date with karma. all of us..

[distantearlywarning]

182. I certainly hope so. n/t

[Missy Vixen]

60. Maybe you could answer this, then

One doesn't have to drink to live.

One has to eat to stay alive.

I'm sure you'll have a pat answer for this one, too.

Those who continue posting nasty shit in this thread are only making themselves look bad, BTW.

Julie

[mrbarber]

64. Actually, one does have to drink to stay alive.

Not alcohol, mind you, but thought I'd point that out.

And no, you do not need to overeat to stay alive.

[Missy Vixen]

67. As I said, another pat and smart-assed answer.

Enjoy your smugness.

Julie

[mrbarber]

74. How is stating a fact being a smart-ass?

You do not need to overeat to stay alive.

And if you don't think someone who suffers from alcoholism doesn't feel like they need to drink to stay alive, than you obviously haven't had any first hand encounters with the disease.

[Missy Vixen]

90. Thanks for playing, mrbarber

My father and maternal grandparents were alcoholics. My husband's father and maternal grandfather are alcoholics.

Furthermore, again, one does not require alcohol to stay alive.

I might also mention that you have no idea what anyone eats daily, but nutrition is necessary for life.

Julie

[Connonym]

98. are you purposefully missing the point?

If you physically had to have some alcohol every day in order to stay alive would you be able to remain sober? Most recovery involves avoidance of the addictive substance. Clearly a human cannot live without food. You know damned well you wouldn't be able to maintain sobriety if you had to have alcohol 3 times a day. There is a huge difference between feeling like you need to drink to stay alive and the actual fact that a human life literally cannot be sustained without food.

[lib_wit_it]

188. Well said! mr. barber is a douche.

[lib_wit_it]

96. Completely differerent. And lame of you to pretend not to know it.

[stillcool]

88. As a person in recovery myself..

I don't "blame" anyone for my years of drinking and drugging, but in my journey to self awareness I have learned how I got where I got, and how my environment shaped me and continues to have effects on my perceptions of myself and others. I think a lot of women drink and do drugs to avoid eating, or at least see it as an added benefit. Self-image and low self-esteem go hand in hand with all kinds of 'isms'. When I got sober I went right from drugs and alcohol to binging and purging, and cutting. I don't need drugs and alcohol to live, but I do need food. I hope you're not as judgmental when you hear someones 4th step.

[lib_wit_it]

95. You can STOP drinking. Try never eating again. nt

[Stellabella]

229. Gee, nice sensitivitiy. Are you like this in person too?

I wish I knew your name so I could avoid you. Permanently.

[tpsbmam]

36. "I know how I got this way and you have as much to do with it as I do."

Bingo. I went through what you did when I was young, though mine came from my parents and family, not from my peers. And, as a result, I developed an eating disorder. I was an oh so healthy (ha!) very tall woman who weighed 108 pounds. I finally cured myself (the "help" I found was useless) and maintained a very healthy weight, exercise routine & "diet" (I never "dieted" again) though most of my adult years. Now that I'm past menopause & disabled, I've gained some weight despite eating about 1000 calories a day because I'm necessarily pretty sedentary. And you know what? I don't give a damn and I love that and I'm proud of where I got myself emotionally. I hope the gaining part doesn't continue (it's a relatively small amount) as the health factor does concern me, particularly since I'm pretty sedentary, but I don't give one damn iota about the looks part. I have absolutely no interest in having people who care about that kind of thing in my life -- life is too short to waste my time with them.

Your letter is brilliant and so are you. Thanks so much for courageously sharing it with us. I wish for you peace with yourself and kindness to yourself. Your "kind, lovable" self is what matters, not the jackasses who attempt to belittle you.:hug:

[OhioChick]

43. I feel for you and can understand you to some degree.....

But from across the fence. I've always had the opposite problem. Far too thin. I always ate like a horse, but never gained an ounce. My parents were both overly thin, as well. I've been to many physicians throughout the years thinking it was possibly a thyroid problem, or something else. I was told each time....genetics.

I have no problem with overweight people. I do have a problem with people in general that have called me "anorexic" "skinny minnie" and a host of other names due to my size. This past Summer someone actually asked me if I had cancer....that hurt so terribly that I cried when I got home. I've finally learned to accept myself as I am.....5'8, under 110 lbs. and wearing a size 0 or 2. What other choice do I have?

:hug:

[elshiva]

66. My Sister-in-law's brother had that problem, too.

He was really skinny. So much so, that he was called into the principal's office and asked if he was anorexic. He wasn't!

If you want to see a great, realistic depiction of a woman who eats like a horse, is incredibly skinny, and made fun of for being a stick figure, check out Winnfred "Fred" Burkle on "Angel." Awesome woman.

:hug:

[dorktv]

71. Hey! Let us trade-you can half of my excess weight and I can have

some of your excess metabolism and then we can both be at a healthy weight! Or at least model worthy.

[sendero]

220. The fact is..

... overweight people think they are the only ones ignored or ostracised, when actually it is anyone who is physically unatractive.

Skinny, fat, big ears, big nose,whatever, people are just not as interested in you if you are not pretty.

I was a skinny guy most of my life and believe me things changed when I put on 40 lbs. And anyone who wants their weight to be different than what their BODY wants to be is in for a battle royale.

[Deja Q]

45. I'm autistic (Asperger's), overweight, misdiagnosed and given medication that made the weight worse

And other things too, but not every malady needs to be made mentioned, and some of those aren't deemed maladies anymore and get plenty of discussion time already and don't need any more.

I know where you're coming from and then some.

:hug:

[Skittles]

239. and yet, well, you're HYPNOTOAD

you're awesome :thumbsup:

[1776Forever]

52. I have hypothryodism - I can look at pictures of me when I was happy & when I was stressed out =

The ones where I was "happy" show me at a medium weight - the ones where I was stressed out, such as when my son was going through hell because he had no insurance and we found out he had MS, show me huge. Right now it is a bad time for me. I had to give up my home and move away to another state. I am blessed in so many ways, but it still has been so stressful and I wish that I had not had to go through it. Maybe in the future I will regain my equilibrium and go back to my normal weight. Until then I am not going to beat myself up over it any more.

Blessings to you!

[Odin2005]

70. A K&R by a fellow fat person.

:hug:

[Kali]

72. Obviously you are an extremely strong person.

You have much to be proud of. Good post.

[readmoreoften]

75. It took a lot of courage to write this.

:hug:

[Spiffarino]

76. In the end it's all about the heart and soul

How you appear on the outside is the least of you. What goes on inside is everything and more.

Keep your soul clear and beautiful and never surrender to despair. Those who love you will love you for all the right reasons. Think about if you were the textbook "beauty" or fabulously wealthy and that was all most people saw in you. You'd never know who your true friends were.

Just stay healthy and be happy that you have found love. Not every "normal" person accomplishes those great goals.

[Paula Sims]

77. Thank you for sharing an all too common story

If I had your writing eloquence I could pretty much write a similar story.

I am 43, 5'4.25" and weigh 282. I was up to 305 but recently my caring doc put me on Prozac but it took 80mgs to make any difference. I wasn't depressed but like you used food as a drug. I still do. People just don't understand the physical and psychological changes that happen with 'comfort food'. Medical people can be horrible! I even had one physical therapist saying that my torn Achilles (which happened while on Levaquin) would heal faster if I got gastric-bypass (yes, I reported him). Fat or skinny I always had rolling veins, it's just easier to comment on it when I'm fat. My blood tests are always in the mid-normal range and my standard blood pressure is 104/60 but the look of shock and disbelief on the faces of the "professionals" is amazing.

What really ticks me off is that by "normal" height/weight charts I was always told that I should be around 130lbs. I had my body fat percentage tested and I have 143lbs of lean body mass (125 lbs when I was "in shape"). I could NEVER get down to 130lbs if I tried. Looking back at pictures of myself in high school, yes, I was voluptuous but not like I was made to believe I was.

So when people here post about being sick and tired of having to deal with "lazy" people that "can't control themselves" and they have to pay higher insurance premiums because of "people like me" I just shake my head. My husband is 6'2" and 185lbs and his (and his sister's) triglycerides are in the 600's -- thanks to their father. Both are "normal" but have more medical problems than I do. The future is promised to no-one -- especially a healthy one.

[NikolaC]

127. I'm Sorry You Had To Go Through That

I HATE going to doctors. About 13 years ago I had some pain off and on in my chest. I went to one doctor who told me that it was because of my weight (I was 5'7" and 170 lbs.) and I was "constipated". A year later they started to get worse, so I went to another doctor who said that he could find nothing wrong with me and that the pain was all in my head. A while after that the pains grew worse, it was to the point where I could not breathe at times, so I went to another doctor. He too said that it was because of my weight and that I should try a weight loss program. That same day, the pain became unbearable and I went to another doctor (female this time). God Bless her, she ordered an ultrasound and some other tests. It turns out that I had gallstones. I wound up having to have my gallbladder removed soon after visiting her. It really should not have taken so long and so many doctors to find out what was going on with me. IMO, they chose not to do their job properly because of my size. One look at me and they were so damn sure that it was weight related. It can be frustrating when the people you go to for help sometimes wind up doing more harm than good.

[flvegan]

79. Here's the thing to remember always

If/When you want to lose the weight, when you really want to, you can and will. It might take time, it might cost money, you may need help. Fact is (unless a drastic medical issue), you can alter your appearance. You can make that commitment. People that "hate fat people" are stupid assholes, and it's a personal flaw. Tragic flaw, really. They have a much longer and more difficult path to NOT being a stupid asshole. You're way ahead of them.

I was a fat kid, and I grew into a fat adult. I went through some of what you did, so I quite get it. I think that's part of the reason that today, as a bodybuilder, I love to help folks lose weight and get in shape. I've got multiple certs as a trainer and sports nutritionist, but I don't make a living at it. I like to give it away.

People that are overweight never need to justify, apologize or reason out their weight issues to judgmental idiots. I know that road, and that road sucks.

Thanks for posting this obviously heartfelt message. And as someone in better shape than 99% of the haters, I not only unconditionally accept you as a human, but I love you as an individual. They can go fuck themselves.

[buckettgirl]

81. I agree with you, actually

I think I am finally on the right path the getting my weight under control, to getting my head straight, and to breaking free of the emotional chains that have held me down for so long.
The time just needed to be right for everything to come together for weight loss to occur - I really want it to happen, but I needed to sort out the how's and why's of being this fat and what I was responsible for and had control of. Now that I have a grasp, I am able to move forward with ALL the healing. And yes, it will take time and money, and help, but I will be better for it.

I am thankful for people like you - who make the turn around to health and help people. You have no idea how important you are to the lives you touch.

[eridani]

103. Please stop posting nonsense about people having control over what happens as a result of exercise--

--and switching to healthier eating habits. Such changes may result in noticable weight loss, or maybe not. That part isn't within your control. Notable in Ethan Allan Sim's Vermont Prison Studies (which tested the effects of deliberate overeating and activity restriction on weight gain) were the people who did NOT return to their starting weights after they stopped overeating. All had previously unknown family histories of Type II diabetes.

People with Syndrome X tend toward weight gain in adulthood and Type II diabestes, and almost never succeed in maintaining significant weight loss. Yet for these people even modest amounts of regular exercise can postpone the onset of diabetic symptoms and improve blood sugar control in those who become symptomatic. What you are doing here is telling the people who by far benefit the most from exercise is that they are worthless failures if blood sugar control is the only result, and not observable weigbt loss.

[Jack_Dawson]

107. "Stop posting nonsense about diet and exercise"

:eyes:

[flvegan]

143. Either you misread what I posted

or you're an idiot.

[eridani]

104. Please stop posting nonsense about people having control over what happens as a result of exercise--

--and switching to healthier eating habits. Such changes may result in noticable weight loss, or maybe not. That part isn't within your control. Notable in Ethan Allan Sim's Vermont Prison Studies (which tested the effects of deliberate overeating and activity restriction on weight gain) were the people who did NOT return to their starting weights after they stopped overeating. All had previously unknown family histories of Type II diabetes.

People with Syndrome X tend toward weight gain in adulthood and Type II diabestes, and almost never succeed in maintaining significant weight loss. Yet for these people even modest amounts of regular exercise can postpone the onset of diabetic symptoms and improve blood sugar control in those who become symptomatic. What you are doing here is telling the people who by far benefit the most from exercise is that they are worthless failures if blood sugar control is the only result, and not observable weigbt loss.

[Shakespeare]

152. Best post on this thread.

:yourock:

[lib_wit_it]

190. flvegan, I've loved and appreciated your posts on this topic, but I think that you're wrong about

"if and when you really want to lose weight you will." Some of us have mental health issues (including the related meds) that impede our ability to do many of the things that would be best for us. People don't seem to understand that mental illness is unique in that one must rely on the defective part of us to try and heal that defective part. (No offense to others who don't consider their mental health issues to be a defect.)

[flvegan]

200. I agree with you. I was speaking to the OP, not generalizing.

When the OP said that she had lost and gained, and I didn't see mention of diagnosed mental illness or meds, I went with what I posted.

I wholeheartedly agree that there are medical conditions, mental and otherwise, that can and do come into play with certain folks with weight problems. I certainly didn't mean to generalize a lump everyone in with what I posted here. Each person has a unique situation, but the majority of overweight or obese people *can* lose the weight. They just have to commit to it. They have to want it; they have to own it. Yes, they may need help, it may cost them money, it may hurt, it may cut into time they set aside to do other things. But it can be done. Whereas people that are jerks have a much longer, tougher road to not being jerks. That was my main point.

I'm happy that you've liked my previous posts on this topic. I didn't mean to give slight to any person or group of people that have it tougher because of medical/mental issues, yourself included.

[lib_wit_it]

232. Cool, thanks. I knew you didn't mean any harm or disrespect. It's just frustrating sometimes to hear

"If you really wanted to get back in shape, you could." Believe me, people can really, really want to do something, but be limited by factors that many just can't imagine. But that's a deep and complicated topic for another day. Cheers!

[Stellabella]

230. This is a common mistake most people make.

They think that if THEY managed to do it, everyone can.

Wrong.

Weight and size are determined by a lot of things, and not all of these things are under our control.

[flvegan]

234. I was speaking to the OP, specifically, thanks.

I'm a professional, and I'm well aware of what is and isn't under a particular person's control, thanks.

[Skittles]

85. preach it, buckettgirl

lovely, eloquent post :thumbsup:

[AlCzervik]

86. i think it really sucks that there's a deleted sub thread here, anyhow BG glad you posted it.

i've struggled with my weight for my entire life, i'm down now but i know i can go back up in a heartbeat.

[rhett o rick]

87. I find it incredible that people would show disrespect to some one because of their weight.

Even if they have a choice and choose to be over weight doesn't give anyone the right to disrespect them. You should respect someone for who they are regardless of their size, color, gender, sexual orientation, or hair color.

[Gwendolyn]

89. I could say very much the sane as you,,,

...except I was skinny, just short of anorxeic, although I was. It's very much emotional, and the moment you can eat as a normal person, then you will be fine. Normal meaning you enjoy food, and don't think about it, instinctively. You don't need a message board to tell anything to, they're strangers, or hear anything from people you don't know, it's all what you decide for yourself. :)

[smiley]

97. ummm... pizza

[SammyWinstonJack]

117. .

:wtf:

[AlCzervik]

181. Do you feel better about yourself now?

[cbc5g]

100. More than half the people in here sympathizing with you have made fun of fat people before

Guaranteed. Time to gain some confidence in your life. Look, ANYTHING that can be made fun of on a person WILL be made fun of. I've been made fun of for numerous things, it's not the end of the world. Confidence is the key. You can sit there and claim that I have no idea what it's like. But I do, I guarantee you that I do. I've been called worse. If people sense that they can't hurt you, that your will in unbreakable, suddenly you will notice something. You will notice that no one will give you shit anymore and you'll suddenly feel a lot more confident when you walk around and talk with people. The truth is that almost everyone is insecure about something on their body.

[buckettgirl]

129. I'm sure they have

But I needed to post this for several reasons
1. It was therapeutic for me to write this (and it is only the tip of the iceberg, I could probably write a book)
2. I needed to give people a mirror - if you see yourself in this post, whether from my side or you are person bullying, then you need to know this is what happens. Your words and ridicule cause tremendous damage - but no one wants to admit it.
3. Bullying and discrimination of fat people is rampant and still ACCEPTED. If you have kids that go to school and make fun of fat kids, this is what they perpetuate. If you continue to turn your nose up to fat people and judge them, this is what you perpetuate.

I was able to write this BECAUSE I have gained confidence in my life. I was finally able to separate out what I was responsible for and what I had no control over. And I can now use that to define my path in life and allow myself to heal from the inside out.

[Not Sure]

101. Thank you.

This helps a lot.

[JDPriestly]

106. Buckettgirl, you alone can decide whether you want to be fat.

People in my family put on weight very easily. I am the thinnest of my sisters. I noticed in my late twenties that I was gaining weight quickly, so I adopted a regime of exercise (running) which I still maintain over 30 years later, and I severely limited my carbohydrates. I discovered that my problem was the carbohydrates. I just don't burn them as fast as some people.

I made choice to limit and control my weight, my exercise and my calories. I am very short, and I look really bad if I am overweight. That was the what motivated me to control my weight when I was young. But now, I really don't care that much about my figure. Now, my concern is not exactly my health, but my ability to move and breathe easily, comfortably and quickly. Being fat and by that I do not mean chubby, I mean obese, does not necessarily mean that you will necessarily die earlier than others. Thin people have their problems too (the thin person's bones may, in some cases, be less healthy). But obesity will definitely mean that it is harder for doctors to operate on you (more dangerous in fact) and it will be harder for you to exercise and move (which will cause you to gain even more weight). Make your choice and stick to it, but understand that how much you weigh is your choice. For some of us the choice can mean finding the diet that is right for us.

I happen to love fresh vegetables and fruit, so I eat as much as I want of those things. I don't eat sweets or starches much. I especially stay away from potatoes which I dearly love. They really put the pounds on me -- and I substitute low-fat yoghurt for ice cream. I never put sugar in a drink (try Good Earth's original herbal tea -- no calories and deliciously sweet) and I never drink a sugared drink. You do not have to be fat, but you may have to work harder at being, well, not thin, but not fat, than other people. It's your choice. If you want to be fat, don't feel bad about it. A lot of wonderful people choose to be fat including some of my dearest family members.

[buckettgirl]

132. I understand

I don't entirely disagree with you, but for me, it is not a matter of simply making the right choices.
I know what the "right" choices are, yet I have this ingrained, hardcore need to binge for comfort and coping.
Even if I didn't have the emotional issues, yes, I would still have to work harder at being thin. But until I heal my mind, and replace the binge eating with appropriate coping mechanisms, I won't have any permanent weight loss.
I don't want to be fat, but I am only now (within the past few months) really putting the pieces together to find out what will best work for me over the long-term; and emotional healing must be a part of it ( that I hadn't addressed it sooner is why I have regained weight every time I make the effort to lose it).
I also have changed jobs, which will allow me to get back to the gym as often as I want to. And I plan to follow South Beach because I know I need to stay away from the bad carbs and break the habit of them as well.

[JDPriestly]

202. Whatever choice you make, I wish you the courage to accept yourself and to

remember that you have a lot to be thankful for. For one thing, you write well. You seem like a very intelligent person. So, enjoy that.

Oh, you know some more ideas I have: if you can, you might enjoy planting a garden or having a few house plants to feed around you. Also, try to make or do things that make you feel beautiful. Get a make-up specialist to help you out. Explore color and what really goes with your eyes and skin.

Notice whether you have reddish, orangeish, pinkish undertone or whether your skin is not any of those colors. It doesn't make any difference what race you are. I'm not talking about the color of the skin. I'm talking about the red undertone that is in that color. Wear red, orange or pink that matches that color and if you have no particular undertone in the red group, wear primary red. Also, match the colors you wear to your eyes. If you have brown eyes and the undertone of your skin is red, you may look very good in some shades of browns. Look at paintings and see what colors go together.

Be your most beautiful you and don't worry about the rest.

It seems to me that losing weight is not really your problem. You need to really do things that make you look beautiful. I got a lot of help from a wonderful colorist. If I can, I will send you some information about her in a private communication. She believes that every woman is beautiful. She doesn't care about your weight or anything else, she knows how to make you look and feel beautiful.

[lib_wit_it]

193. Nice try, but this is just another example of "Well, I was able to do it, so you can, too." I think

this misses the point that we all have different abilities and strengths. You apparently have the ability to severely limit your calories and to stick to an exercise routine. Good for you.

Now, I'm certainly not saying that the OP can't, but I think it is presumptuous, judgmental even, though well-meaning enough, of others to think that what they can do, anyone else can do. You don't know what mental, chemical, and emotional realities in another may limit them from doing something you consider just a matter of making up your mind and doing it. I know this goes against the American "you can do anything you dream of" myth, but there you have it.

[JDPriestly]

201. So, if you can't fight it or you don't want to fight it, then you have

to accept yourself the way you are. And you also have to accept that a lot of people may not like you the way you are.

But then, a lot of people might not like you if you lost weight. Who would they have to pick on if they couldn't pick on you? If God made you fat, be fat and thankful for being fat. Stop annoying other people about the fact that you think they don't like you because you are fat. I had no idea you were fat until you started posting about it.

[lib_wit_it]

231. "Stop annoying other people about the fact that you think they don't like you because you are fat."

Annoying people? Whoah. It was not my post, but if you thought the OP was "annoying people", why bother responding and pretending to be supportive or understanding? Just to get your "If I have the strength, then so does everyone!" judgment out there?

[CadenBlaker]

108. I feel your pain.

All 5'10, 350 pounds of me. :(

[fasttense]

109. All those skinny bullies will meet their karma soon.

As this 2nd Republicon Great economic crisis hammers our lives, keep in mind that your shape will once again be considered beautiful.

In societies with large poor populations and food scarcity, round ample women are more likely to become the standard of beauty.

[rucognizant]

110. I have read every post here.

NO-ONE has mentioned the OVERWHELMING EMPAHASIS our society places on appearance! I find the self righteous, attitude toward addictions sufficating and dehumanizing......... ( IT COMES FROM TV ADVERTISING/ PROPAGANDA, folks!) OR,
the TRAVESTY the food industry is FORCING on us!
I am large........now @ 69, 5'7" 185-90 lb. WHen I was in 1st grade,, the teacher used to reprimand me for putting my feet up on the chair, when the little ones did it and went un-noticed because of their smaller size! I was also the youngest (emotionally less mature) than the others having skipped kindergarten.
By 7th grade I was 5' 7" 135 lb, and suffere4d my first career disappointment. Although my performance in the spring recital
brought tears to my teachers eyes, it was that good, my instructors began tactfully steering me to the idea of designing costumes and sets for the dance, because I was too large to be a ballerina! ( And they knew; had been there done that, were a handsome couple who had marginally skirted the professional dance world before settling on opening a studio in a small town.)
The last time I saw her..I was in my 40's and she was bent almost double as a result of severe osteo! I guess she must have starved herself to maintain her trim graceful figure.
I went into the visual arts and continued dance/yoga, as hobbies. as well as choreographing mural painting as a kind of performance art.
I had a genetic tendancy to gain.........which has been tilted to the dark side, ( slow metabolism) by hypothyroidism, and then surgery with difficulty getting the right replacement hormone......and NOW FRANKENFOODS. Every supermarket visit becomes a label reading battle, with constantly changing products, instead of a breeze through to get food to sustain my self! I am skirting high blood sugar;( No history of diabetes in the family) NOT because I eat too many sweets, but because of that high fructose corn syrup in EVERYTHING! The first formative 6 years of my life there was sugar rationing during WWII, so I didn't learn a sweet tooth! And that was in the Garden State, with a RN dietition Mother, who taught me good nutrition from the beginning. I am making & growing a of of my foods, Campbell's tomato soup TOO SWEET! And I bitterly resent the loss of painting time forced on me by the feckless, profit oriented food COrporations!
buckettgirl...You go girl!

[Vinca]

111. Thank you, buckettgirl.

As a little girl who had to have "special" shorts to go to Girl Scout camp, I appreciate the depth of your pain. That said, there is one thing you absolutely must let go. You are not a defective human being.

[El Fuego]

113. Some people on DU are passive aggressive with their personal issues.

I've noticed that there are those who are quick to come out shooting over any perceived slight they think is directed to their own touchy personal issue, whatever it might be.

You said: But I never fathomed that I would find you on DU. I thought I was relatively safe here. Since you couldn't see me, you couldn't judge me. You couldn't hate me for my size. Boy, was I wrong. You hate me anyway.

No one at DU is reacting to you and judging you because of your physical appearance. Maybe this time people are responding to your... personality? In other words, the real you?

Is it possible that you are hitting people over the head with your weight issue?

[tpsbmam]

115. Is it possible you're completely not getting it?

People have, indeed, been hitting everyone who reads DU with their snide, nasty comments about weight and obesity. Maybe you haven't been paying attention -- I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. But I guarantee you that the incredibly nasty (and yes, bigoted) comments made by way too many DUers about obesity have cut to the quick for many, many people. When such cracks are made to to any group of people, lots of people are, with good reason, going to take it personally.

The OP was heartfelt and clearly spoke for or to the many people who got it and responded positively/recommended this thread. Your response completely misses the point of this poster's very personal response to the nastiness that has been too much of DU on this topic. I'm adding your post to the "nasty" group.

[El Fuego]

128. Uh, could you like be more "snide" and "nasty"?

Yeah, the OP was heartfelt, up until the time she mentioned DU.

If there is some soap opera going on here, it's true I haven't been following it. But this is an anonymous message board with thousands of members, and now I've heard of the DUer called buckettgirl because her thread is on the home page because of all the recs. And all I know about buckettgirl is that she is overweight and has issues. Because she told us. Again. And again. And again. I know the DUer named buckettgirl is overweight because she wrote about it at length in a post clearly intended to be her chef d'oeuvre on the subject.

We don't in general know what people look like here. But I do know that buckettgirl is overweight. Because she wants people to know. And if she believes people on DU are reacting to her as a overweight person, maybe that's her doing.

I don't know anything about YOUR physical appearance, but I do know you can post nasty obnoxious responses, and I will judge YOU accordingly.

[tpsbmam]

131. The OP was in response to some disgusting hatred spewed at people with weight

issues. And it was on DU so the part about DU is pertinent and appropriate. It took courage to post this, IMO. I apologize if you don't know the background -- perhaps you should read the other post that's at the top of the greatest page and read the original link (now locked) that led to both this post and the other on the greatest page.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4514093

Your post is, indeed, off base because you don't know the background.

[El Fuego]

134. The original locked post you referred me to was deliberate flame bait.

THAT post was clearly a passive aggressive vanity post just asking for some "disgusting hatred" to be "spewed." Whoever posted that was looking for a fight. And surprise, people took the bait.

[buckettgirl]

133. No

I am not writing this in response to anything that was said to me here.

I am writing this because everytime something gets brought up about fat people and the obesity epidemic etc. The fat-haters come out of the woodwork.
Its so disheartening, really. I hold hope that this can eventually be a place where discrimination doesn't exist, or at least is very minimal. Liberals should not discriminate against one another.

The problem is that, in general, society still finds it acceptable to denigrate the obese. The fact is, that what I posted happens to people everyday, of every age. And that it shouldn't. I want you to know this is what it is like to fat; that this what bullying and emotional abuse does; and that no one ever deserves to go through this.

[El Fuego]

139. I totally agree and I do sympathize with your situation.

I was only referring to your comments about DU.

The thing is, you shouldn't expect DU to be any different from real life. Just as in real life, a certain percentage of people here are assholes. Sometimes jerks are registered democrats. There are all kinds of people and personalities at DU. There are bullies here too, and just as in real life, you have to learn to say "Fuck you!" and walk away.

[rox63]

116. I unconditionally accept you, and I hope others will accept me as well

I've been overweight most of my life. I went on my first diet at the age of 12. I was teased and ostracized throughout my youth. I've lost and regained a lot of weight over the years. I'm about a size 20-22 these days (in my mid-40's), and my shape is exactly like that of my mother. (I call it the "beach ball on sticks" body shape, because of the round middle and the relatively slim limbs) So I guess genetics plays a role here. All of my immediate family (mom, dad and brother) have developed type II diabetes, a fate I have thus far been able to avoid. I am already on Wellbutrin for depression, so that bit of advice won't do me any good.

Lots of people out here in DU-Land can sympathize and empathize with you. All of us hide behind our screen names, and some people use that as a way to bring others down. I think those folks should find something more useful to do with their time.

:hug: to you, buckettgirl.

[Douglas Carpenter]

118. excellent, thoughtful post

On a purely personal note, I have gone through most of my life going up and down on weight.
When I have actually managed to sustain weight loss to the level of what text books claim I should weigh, it required a routine that left me feeling hungry and miserable. In fact the last time I achieved that goal through a low fat, high fiber diet and lots of exercise, I ended up a complete nervous wreck.

One thing that has altered my perception a bit is that I have lived outside of the western world for most of the last twenty-two years. Prejudice against "fat people" is pretty much a western aberration. Outside of the west, being large is almost always viewed neutrally and even at times positively. This experience has given me an ability to almost never give it much thought anymore except to the extent when I started to get heavy to a point where it was contributing toward lower back pain. In that case I chose to lose some weight for a very pragmatic reason, unlike my earlier weight loss which was based on the pure vanity of trying to look the way I thought others would wanted me to look.

[NikolaC]

120. K&R

:hug: That post was from the heart and, while I may not have been overweight growing up, I am now. I understand your struggle and feelings and applaud you for trying to be strong about it. You are right, people need to see the person inside and stop judging a person's worth by their appearance.

[jane_pippin]

122. My best friend growing up could have written that too. Your experience

sounds so much like what she went through.


Thank you for writing this. :hug:

[myrna minx]

124. You are a very strong and courageous woman.

Thank you for posting this heartfelt thread. :hug:

[Le Taz Hot]

125. Thank you SO much for your post.

Maybe, just MAYBE it will touch some of the resident assholes on DU and they'll get a clue. Though I just started reading upthread and it's obvious some will never get a clue.

All I can add is that self-esteem and self-worth comes from within. The people in your life, and on this board, who choose to condemn you are FLAWED HUMAN BEINGS just like everyone else and you can't give credence to the judgment of FLAWED human beings.

[no1dolo]

130. I admit that I woke up with the start of a mild headache....

but after reading this thread....it's FULL BLOWN! Well, good morning all and here's hoping we all have a good day.:grouphug:

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

137. Your story is similar to mine

only I was always clumsy at sports, so the taunting and teasing was much worse. And I was not dumb, but rather overly intelligent, which can be an even more difficult gulf to bridge. I was a social isolate in high school, thanks to believing hateful people like you describe. (Funny, 40 years on I'm still in touch with some schoolmates, but not the taunter--wonder if she's still alive? Anyway, when we posted our photos, I was the only one joyously smiling....)

You are lucky you found your skinny mate at what I take to be rather early in your life. I found my skinny soulmate at age 38, and, like your husband, he is a wise, compassionate and caring man.

It has taken me quite a long time, but I think I am closer to coming to terms with those who taunted and hurt me in my youth, and I can even say thanks to them.

Their taunts allowed me to realize that words do, indeed, hurt. May I use words wisely when I speak with others--and when I do, may I be adult enough to ask forgiveness.

My social isolation made me have compassion for all those who are social isolates. When I taught elementary school, I stopped bullying and teasing on the playground--and this was the 1980s, long before the notion of doing so was popular. I made those who were teasing and bullying realize how it felt to be on the receiving end by relating my own story--and it struck home. What I found very interesting is that most doing the teasing didn't realize how hurtful it was. It was done out of ignorance--and when they were educated about the consequences of their actions, they changed. Knowing this has helped me to forgive my tormentors.

I came to a point in my life that I realized I could go on and no longer hold onto the hurts of the past. I was able to loose the bounds of sadness and resentment that so tied me to those schoolday memories and to learn even more the lessons that they taught. That we are all imperfect--we all make mistakes. That we can all choose to choose again. We can ask forgiveness, we can show forgiveness as well.

[tbyg52]

140. Thank you for this post.

Bullying in general needs to be taken seriously. We, the adults, sometimes put up with stuff as "kids will be kids" that we shouldn't.

[awoke_in_2003]

144. it is really sad...

that this had to be written on a site like this. Some people let their ugly souls show the other day:(

[mntleo2]

145. Your are not alone Dear ....

...please keep it close to your heart that you are beautiful. I have seen trees that are not perfectly straight with every branch perfectly set. They have been all twisted from the wind and clinging to the ground. but against the setting sun those trees are so beautiful they make my heart ache with joy. Things in creation are like that.

The cruelties and "solutions" on this thread, well we know they are not the answer, we each have our own unique "answers". Like so many who think they can fix things, who think they "know" what is best, they believe they are helping when in reality, we know it is easy for people like that to see other people's problems when in reality they have a whole lot of things that may not be so obvious they need to fix. As the Firesign Theatre used to say, "We are ALL Bozos on this bus ..." It is my mantra, lol. I think they mean there that whatever flaws we all have are no different than any other. Furthermore I have learned that in the end those "flaws" are not really flaws at all, but our common human experiences that can take us higher on the learning scale and they are beautiful too.

I am fat too, Love. I was not always that way, but middle age and well, life has made me this way now. I have loved ones born big and they struggled with it all their lives, one is my dear sister who has always been one of the most beautiful people I have known. While I am grateful that at least my youth was spent being thin, still I hurt for her because the cruelties that you speak of she lived too, I saw it.

I want to tell you a story that I just heard today while holding and drying the tears of a lost young woman who is struggling.
She is pretty and has the "perfect" body, a body that men want. She has grown up in the nightmare of addicted parents and no family, no stability, abuse and neglect. She wants a family who loves her unconditionally so bad! She used to be an exotic dancer because well, she is pretty and this is what would support her ~ and she thought might give her love. But while she was trying to survive working in the only way she knew to make it, she hated herself so much that she began to take heroin in order to keep her job and live with her heart. She is now struggling to overcome that, and I KNOW she would trade someone's "fat" body in a New York minute if it would have never led her down that path. She just told me that today!

This young woman's words made me think of my beloved sister who spent her childhood in much the same way as you describe and I told this young woman about my sis. While listening to her, I thanked GOD that with my sister's low self esteem and everything else that went with her self hatred that was exacerbated by the cruelties I see here on this thread as well as what you speak of! Because she was "big" Sis NEVER had to face what this young woman has, forced into a life that did much the same thing to both of them that deeply hurt their souls. But for this young woman, her way of coping only caused worse because her body did little to cure her broken heart. Sis is a respectable woman with a husband who loves her heart and she never had to face anything like what this thin, pretty woman had ~ but I think she could have if she had had the body she always thought she wanted.

Being thin is not the "answer" to life. So I hope this is not sounding too ...formulaic, it is something I KNOW, Hon: Loving yourself so you can love others IS an answer. And no matter who thinks they can "fix" people, well they are wrong and they think that just because their own "flaws" are hidden that nobody will see them like they think they can see other people's "flaws". But the truth is, nothing idealized is ever perfect, it is just an ideal, it is far from reality.

I am not writing this so much for you Dear Buckettgirl, but for the others who have so many "solutions" on this thread. Solutionmakers: Just because your problems are not worn every day like a sign for everyone to see, does not mean you have your own deep issues to tend to that are just as bad, if not worse. I seriously doubt at the end of your life that St Peter will ask whether or not a person was fat, but how they treated the ones around them. Physicians, heal thyself!

As you say in your essay Dear, and you know, the greatest fix is you knowing you are beautiful like the gorgeous trees whose branches reach out to the sky, standing tall against the sunset that I describe.

Love
Cat In Seattle

[OHDEM]

147. Rec'd to 5 stars!

Thank you for this letter! :cry:

I wasn't overweight in school, but painfully shy and very smart-making me an outcast. In all seriousness, I feel your pain! Kids are incredibly cruel and I was very sad throughout most of my education. I was never able to find the courage to fight back.

Now, as an adult, I have more strength and I've found friends who accept me for who I am as well as a great husband. I've gained weight since my kids and that's tough - particularly as a woman! We are all expected to fit the stereotype of the 90 pound, 15-year-old super models. How many women meet that standard? Is it even healthy once you're past 15??

At any rate, I'd love to lose more weight just to feel better for myself - not for society which is CLUELESS. With 2 small kids and a husband that works constantly, it's tough to find the time to get the exercise I really need.

My 4-year-old just started preschool this year and I find myself SO AFRAID for him. He's such a sweet and wonderful little boy and I can't bear the thought of anyone picking on him. Like you, I know the damage they can do.

Thanks again for posting and I accept you as a lovely and generous human being! :pals:

[Dystopian]

148. buckettgirl...look what you've done!

A nurse!:hug:
Thank you for this heartfelt and courageous post. The other aspects were already addressed, so thinking about all the hateful abuse you've gone through.......You could have done anything with your life. You chose to care for others. This is the beauty of it all. This in itself speaks volumes to what a beautiful soul you are....
In spite of all you endured, you chose love of humanity.....
You have my deepest respect and admiration....


peace~

[davsand]

149. I see that same behavior in kids in a lot of situations with several other kids.

I have zero doubt that everything you described goes on ALL the time because I see it happening with my own daughter (she is 11.) I see kids picking on each other, bullying, practicing mob mentality, and generally treating each other like shit.

My daughter is a lovely kid with a finely developed sense of right and wrong, that has grown up spending a lot of time in the company of adults. She can make conversation with adults and other kids with no strain and she is a very kind person (She is certainly more kind than I am.) She has a couple of pals she hangs with, but really most of her classmates treat her like shit.

She gets left out of parties and chosen last for teams in PE. They all want to team with her in academics but somehow she just doesn't meet their standards for social stuff--ya know? We had an episode a couple years ago where one boy literally body-checked her into the gym wall then stood and laughed when she cried. (Mom waded into THAT one with the school administrators which probably did not help matters any socially, in retrospect.)

Recently she found out that one of the "popular" girls in her class dislikes her because she uses words like "logically" and "actually." This "popular" girl thinks my kid is a "geek."

I will share with you the same thing I told my kid:

Assholes abound in this world. There are people who will amount to jack shit because they are assholes and there is no escape for them. Those same people will mess with anyone they can because it makes them feel somehow more powerful, and they will mess with their target for about as long as it takes for that same target to stand up to them and make that abuse painful in return.

I know what I am talking about becasue I grew up with this same shit and I got called a "harelip" one time too many. I was "different" too, and I saw up close and personal just how ugly kids can be to each other. Anyone that ever tries to tell you how wonderful childhood can be is full of crap, and anyone that tries to tell you that we are "civilized" as a society of adults is equally full of crap.

I will bend over backward to help anyone that needs it, and I have and DO live the rule that says treat everyone with the same respect and dignity I feel I deserve. I also have NO reluctance about leaving blood (not literally, most of the time) on the walls with anyone that is stupid enough to try and hurt me.

I think a lot of the pain you describe is a part of the human condition. I am not minimizing it in any way, but I want you to know that you are not alone in what and how you feel.


Laura

[buckettgirl]

161. Kids must learn it from somewhere

I think it is important for the fat-haters here to see this thread because I don't think they understand what they perpetuate. Certainly the kids that are cruel to fat kids are likely cruel to everyone they perceive as different; but it had to start somewhere.

I don't have children yet; eventually I probably will have one or two. And I am afraid for that - I don't want to raise my kids to have food problems like I do; I don't want my kids to pick on fat kids; I don't want my kids to go through the same thing I did.

I think all parents are responsible for teaching their children to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"; but more importantly than saying the words is following through with actions - showing children how to love humanity in spite of its inherent flaws.

[davsand]

175. Oh, you CAN see where these kids learn it. You don't have to look too hard, either.

The parents of these same kids are the ones ALLOWING that kid to have the party that includes all but a couple kids in that class. These same parents are the ones sitting in the corner of the room making comments about what the other Moms are wearing or the cars the families drive.

Last summer, my daughter played on the same softball team with the "popular" girl who thinks she is a geek. One evening at the softball field this girl's mom (along with a couple of others) grabbed me and wanted my help to get the Volleyball Coach fired. My kid always seemed to like that coach just fine, so I asked them what was the issue they were worried about. They began to list their complaints:


"She was seen flirting with a guy at the local roller rink when they took the kids there for a party." (She is single, a college kid and over 21...) There was no physical contact and nothing spotted other than a conversation that they deemed "too animated."

"She lets them listen to awful music at practice." (I'll grant you, Gwen Stefani leaves me cold, but the radio version of HollaBack Girl really IS pretty sanitized compared to what I'm hearing when I flip past the local rap stations.) I was told 'we have "small town values" and that music does not fit with those values...'

The coach had the audacity to talk to the 5th and 6th grade team about (gasp!) PERIODS and the need for hygiene during that time. The parents were never consulted about this and they felt that was just overstepping authority to even broach the subject.


The entire conversation took place with these women standing in a circle around me, with one doing all the talking while the others stood and nodded in agreement, chiming in with particularly "damming" bits as they felt the need. I dunno about you, but do you remember the times in Jr High when somebody was trying to convince you that ____ was a problem and should be shunned because they did_____? THAT is EXACTLY what this entire conversation was about.

Oddly enough, the "popular" girl's dad ended up being the assistant coach this last season after they got that other coach fired.

This same family regularly hosts parties where they invite all but three or four out of the class (or team.)


Now, you TELL me where that girl learned to be an asshole. I am hard pressed to see any hope for that kid either because those parents are equally damaged.

The kid that body checked my daughter into the gym wall has been in trouble since day one. His dad is on the school board and they refuse to do anything about the kid--saying it is just "how boys are..." (I explained to him that if his kid EVER laid hands on my daughter again, that was gonna be how "...boys are when they are in jail charged with Assault and Battery" and that did seem to register, so maybe there is some slight hope there--I dunno.)

Anyhow, I honestly think there is an entire culture of meanness and hate in this country and it isn't just directed at a race, a size, or any other one group. I also think that we CAN change it, but it isn't gonna be easy and the anti-bullying classes they do in schools are not worth the paper they are printed on.

YMMV, but I think you are not alone in feeling like you get crapped on unless you can fly under the radar of the collective assholes of the world. Owning your anger is a great first step. Peace to you. Ain't none of this that is easy, but you kids really ARE a huge gift and you can do it right.


Laura

[Highway61]

150. Took quite the courage to write this.

Bless you Buckettgirl, I care about you ...NOT what you look like. :hug: K & R.

[a la izquierda]

153. A very nice post.

My sisters are both bigger girls and I am not. My mom's side of the family breeds tiny Italian women...my dad's side of the family breeds strong, curvy and tall(ish) women. My sisters got made fun of constantly when they were kids and I hated people for it.
I was a swimmer for a long time. I got made fun of because I was thin, but had incredibly broad shoulders and muscular legs. The boys called me Joe Mechanic, "dyke", Hanz and Franz because I was flat-chested and quite frankly, more muscular than them.
People are horrendously cruel when others don't fit their "perfect" ideal. It's bunk and it's terrible. If you're a good person, who gives a crap what your body looks like. Try and be as healthy as you can be is all I say.

[travelingtypist]

160. I'm not saying that your pain isn't real.

I know it is. It sounds like you've come a long way and your husband
sounds like a keeper. But people only have power to hurt you if you
give that to them. To really heal, you have to take that last step,
let it all go and finally forgive them for hurting you.

More power to you.

[Zodiak]

163. If you put up this post in the hopes of people seeing themselves, you succeeded

In the context of this post, I see myself as your husband.

My wife is the most beautiful woman I have ever known, inside and out. When bullies make childish cracks about her weight (or anyone else's weight), I have to resist the urge to run their face over a cheese grater. I know what type of damage that kind of careless prejudice causes....it affects the person I love the most, which in turn enrages me.

(For the record, no-one face has been run over a cheese-grater. It is just a first instinct)

[mr1956]

172. Thank you for your insightful post

I am currently fat and suffering from type-II diabetes. I'd always been heavy but was not the biggest one in my family. I am ashamed to say I never understood my sister's struggles until the shoe was on the other foot; she was always the "fat one". We became close in our twenties but I will never forgive myself for some hateful and inconsiderate things I said and did to her by ridiculing her for being fat. I should have been the "safe haven" and shown unconditional love but sometimes I failed.

My sister hated being fat and no matter how much she exercised or tried to diet the weight would not come off. I am fighting that fight right now and know how difficult it can be. My sister eventually had a gastric bypass that led to her death at 48. I miss her everyday and regret my part in hurting her and knocking down her self esteem.

People (including myself) can be very cruel whether its intentional or not. I think some people have a need to look down on others in order to make them feel better about themselves. I wonder what insecurities they are covering up and just feel sorry that they seem to lack compassion to and acceptance of others. I'd rather have the lessons I've learned from being on both sides of this equation than to continue being a bigot toward other people because of their size.

[nannycee]

178. Buckettgirl, Thank you!

You've put into words what so many of us have lived! Thank you for being brave and doing this. I saw some posts earlier where someone was throwing out "cardio," etc. but you know, that is not the point. The point is that everyone should be treated with respect regardless. Period. That is it. No more discussion, no more little comments about what you "should" do, etc....just simply be respectful of each other and let everyone live their life.

I hope that those judging will do some self-reflection and consider what drives them to do this.

Thank you...Buckettgirl, again! You rock!

[Mark D.]

183. Kudos

Very honest and heartfelt post and I respect you and wish you the best in life. I've never had such a food addiction or weight issue so I can't say I 'understand'. It must be difficult. I was chastised for being tall most of my life and still hear comments about it. Of course I had no control and still don't, over that. Folks just like to criticise others to make themselves feel better. Years of enduring that taught me not to do that, and I think it's probably made a kinder person of you too. I have one bad habit from it. I slouch a lot and have some self-esteem issues. But I can't shrink. Folks who criticise others need to understand that. It is showing THEIR own weaknesses.

You probably know about this already but I want to suggest it. Since you do binge eat as comfort, have you considered changing some of those foods? High fiber foods are more filling. Also, have you considered going ultra-low glycemic. You are probably aware of it, but if not you can Google to find dozens of educational sites on this. A surprising example is Potatoes. They are very satiary (satisfying) but when hot, mashed, etc., they are ultra-high glycemic. But not when they are chilled. In fact the harmful starches turn resistant and that allows them to actually regulate blood sugar positively. So it's no hot potatoes for me, just chilled ones, like in potato salad. Insulin response, and the glycemic load/index from/of certain foods is a huge factor.

I have a lot of diabetes in my family so for that reason alone, I'm low-glycemic as much as I can be. Sugar, Corn Syrup and stripped white flour from wheat and rice (and white rice and non-chilled white potatoes) are the biggest factors, as well as certain fruit juices. It took me years to develop a way to change it in my lifestyle. But every person I've met who had huge weight loss and kept it off, non-surgically, employed an ultra-low glycemic diet. EVERYONE should follow it for just the anti-diabetes benefit of it, in my opinion. I just wanted to share that. Forgive me if you alredy know of that. But there is nothing 'defective' about you. We had decades of media conditioning that 'low fat, low cholesterol, high refined carbohydrate' diets were key to health. They had it totally backwards. It's a struggle for many because of this also.

[crim son]

185. Been there, done that, for the exact opposite reason: I was skeletally thin.

I heard the names growing up and adolescence was hell. No clothing fit because I was not petite and thin, I was tall. I was passed over by men and told to my face many times I wasn't built like a woman, I was too flat, men like a little meat on the bones, etc. I remember in high school and college, looking at other young women and envying their... thighs. Their round, meaty thighs that filled their jeans seductively and somehow made them more worthy of companionship not only of the boys but also of the girls. Bitter, that's what I was and sometimes still am.

Now I'm 45 and my life has gone to shit, my metabolism has slowed and I am probably what most people would consider average though still relatively boobless. I despise it and want my old self back again desperately (the grass is always greener!) But if I dare make a remark about being uncomfortable at this weight I'm told to shut up, that I have nothing to complain about, that I literally have no right to speak... and I want to smack the person who says it.

I don't either hate or even dislike fat people. I find the whole idea to be ridiculous, seriously, although the prejudice exists. But we are quick to judge one another, and we are quick to adopt other peoples' assessments and they in turn will react to what they see in us. In the end we must ourselves choose how we handle how the rest of the world views us and it's never easy. :hug:

[Madam Mossfern]

186. Even though I'm not obese, I can totally understand you.

It's not easy. We are all judged more or less on our appearance, although I wish it weren't so. Mean children get that attitude from their parents lack of intervention. I was always the one who stuck up for the kid being teased, no matter what reason.

I've been dieting ever since my adulthood. I was very skinny as a young child and my brother and his friends teased me mercilessly about it. I still haven't healed. Then the hormone fairy came........yeah! The problem that I have is emotional eating and then the guilt and then more emotional eating to deal with the guilt. Then again there are those who are hell bent on sabotaging your efforts every step of the way. "It's only one cookie, how can it hurt?"

I only need to lose 5-10 lbs at this point to be back to my ideal weight, but even reading this thread had me reaching for a banana and a handful or two of raisins. People don't understand the difficulty. For instance, my husband lovingly made breakfast for us this morning: scrambled eggs with cheese, a slice of whole wheat toast and butter. I did the math...over 500 calories! Add in the banana and the raisins and the half and half in my coffee this morning and I'm just about up to my daily limit.

Hang in there....you are a most lovely and valuable person.

[buckettgirl]

189. One cookie...

I don't know about you, but in my world, there is no such thing as one cookie - if I'm gonna have one, I'm gonna have the whole damn box. And I know that before I start eating them; yet they numb out the world so well. . .

Alas, cookies and ice cream will be two foods that will be permanently off limits for me. I can't have just one or just one bite; since I can't control myself, I just can't have any.

[Madam Mossfern]

218. Same here

potato chips too. I am definitely carb sensitive. Some people don't understand that, but very often I'm hungrier when I finish a meal than I was before I ate.....go figure.

[knitter4democracy]

187. Hey, I was in forensics, too! Saved me, too. What event?

I was in storytelling up here in Michigan. I don't think I would've survived high school without that and band. I may not have been fat then (though my dad and stepmom wouldn't let me eat any snacks in fear that I'd become fat, which I am now because of some health crap), but I was a geek, the lowest of the low, you know? If you were in Michigan, maybe we met up at a meet? I'd bet I would've been your friend. We forensics nerds always stuck together. :hug:

[hardtoport]

197. I accept you, and I hope you learrn to accept yourself, too.

buckettgirl wrote:
Why do you Hate me so?

What have I ever done to you?


I will tell you the same thing I told my child when she dealt with bullies. It's the same thing I remind myself when some is an asshole to me for no real good reason.

They are the ones with the problem. You are not, and never have been, the problem. If you were thin tomorrow, some people would still find a reason to lash out at you. Pity them. They must be miserable human beings.

You, my dear buckettgirl, are just fine the way you are. We fat people have nothing to apologize for, and we don't owe it to anybody to politely listen to health concern trolling. For those who whine about obese people affecting their health insurance premiums, I'd suggest your time would be better spent lobbying for universal health care. Whether it's people who don't wear seat belts, or it's smokers, or it's people who don't get regular check ups, there will always be some group that ups the high risk pool. Yes, it would be good if people minimized their risk factors, but their failure to do so doesn't give someone the right to be an asshole about it.

[Creationismsucks]

198. I am also overweight

:-)

But let me just put something out here. I feel I've had every chance in life to lose the pounds, and that having failed to do so is my fault. But that's me. The author's case sounds quite different. What I want to ask is:

Why not just treat all people well on principle? Are we obese really hurting the rest of you so much? I think I'd be willing to pay for more space on a flight, or in a movie, whatever. But for god's sake, life is short. We only have so many chances to be decent to one another. I plan on losing weight, but I think even if I didn't, even then, on principle, how does it help the world to say nasty things about others?

[K8-EEE]

204. Unconditional love and respect here!! MEAN PEOPLE SUCK!

WE ARE ALL DEFECTIVE HUMAN BEINGS!

I'm one of those people who has struggled with weight/eating/dieting issues my whole life -- although it's not be as apparent since my particular affliction is YoYo dieting, I put on and off the same 20 pounds 100 times since high school! But even when I'm thin I NEVER feel thin enough. Never in my life have I really felt thin enough and never do I eat without feeling some measure of guilt.

My daughter who thankfully has not inherited my diet crap, is living in a dorm with 9 other girls, one of whom is fat, two of whom routinely binge and purge. You can bet the fat girl gets a lot of shit socially, but man the bullemia can kill you and I think people don't realize how prevalent it is in that age group! Why do they start that, the fear of gaining weight, why the fear, because of how fat people are bullied....

If you get 10 young women together you can BET at least 3 will have food/eating issues. It's part of our only-skinny-is-acceptable culture and a lot of that is sexist. A young man can be "husky" and attractive, girls are made to feel like fat pigs if they don't look like models.

People are not robots and emotional and physical reactions to certain food causes a predisposition to these kind of problems, just like some people can drink in moderation but not others. We are all unique and we are all defective in our own ways. I'd rather struggle with my weight than have the compassion chip missing as some of the unbelievably heartless comments here suggest.

[GreenPartyVoter]

205. *hugs* I can so relate to your post

[PassingFair]

207. Thank you for this.

What you weigh is nobody's business.

What you DO is important, not what you EAT.

I have struggled with weight issues for most
of my life, especially in middle school years,
and now I watch one of my daughters suffer from
peoples' bullshit.

You go do whatever it is YOU want, and don't
let the bastards get you down!

[eilen]

209. Hi Buckettgirl!

Do you blog somewhere? I would like to read what you have to say about your daily struggles with compulsive eating. My husband has that problem -- he just gets into this zone where he has to keep eating, it is hard to watch, he has done the same thing with drinking and tends to obsess sometimes on fitness as well and compulsively exercises (but not at the same time he compulsively eats).

I have noticed that I will go to food as well when stressed, anxious or feeling bad about myself. I also am now in the "obese" zone and it is hard to change lifelong habits. I used to be able to eat anything but I can't anymore. I have also tried lots of different diets and have been successful with a diet and exercise program but when life threw a curve it was back to my old bad habits. I know what you mean about and although I had been teased relentlessly in 7th and 8th grade (one girl wanted to beat me up because I didn't swear!) and then again in high school (10th grade)--come to think of it, the worst years were in the smallest school/small town and the teasing wasn't centered on my weight, it was still painful. I think Doritos and the Library were my best friends back then.

I am also a nurse! I think it is silly that people think you need advice or education about nutrition and exercise.

Nurses are on their feet all day and are pushing beds, stretchers, lifting patients, turning them etc. You get a pretty good workout on a day or evening shift. You are constantly walking very fast up and down the halls, answering call lights and fetching refreshments. You are changing beds and pushing med carts, passing linen. IV bags come in hard plastic wrappers that require some strength to open up. You almost always take the stairs if you can to drop off labs and pick up patients from xray or MRI because the elevators are so slow. I gained 8 pounds when I quit my nursing job. Plus you are so busy there is little time for breaks and patient families often bring candy to thank the nurses for their care. You end up leaving work simultaneously dehydrated, with full bladder and starving-- a little loopy from low blood sugar. We used to sneak the Boost nutrition drinks when we were shorthanded and could not take our meal breaks but then they moved them into machines so you could not get it out without charging it to a patient (and they were warm, ugh!).

I have confidence that you can overcome this compulsion when you feel sad and down on yourself. You are a very caring person, and you are very smart (and brave too!).

Have you ever seen those shows, like on CNN -- FitNation and these men and women lose all this weight and they look so different that people are just overwhelmed and in awe? You see how good they look now but I think it is important to remember that the "AFTER" is the same person in the "BEFORE". Nothing has changed in who that person is except for their outward appearance. The mind and the heart are exactly the same. They might be feeling better, but on the balance, there is no dramatic change inside that shell. Losing weight does not make anyone more loving, caring, smarter, funnier, generous, intelligent or interesting. It just makes you thinner and in most cases healthier.

[buckettgirl]

211. Only another nurse knows. . .

I have mastered the art of working 12+ hours a shift without PEEING, EATING, OR DRINKING. :silly:
Just too busy, no time for breaks. Fortunately, I won't have to do much of that anymore. I am going from dayshift charge nurse in an 87 bed nursing home to doing one-on-one pediatric home health with special needs kids. I start orienting next week. Talk about extreme change of setting and population! LOL :crazy:

One thing I also find interesting is that people who work in healthcare, probably especially nurses, are the most unhealthiest bunch there is. I don't smoke, but you better be damn sure all my co-workers do except for a small few. Those that don't smoke are overweight (at least); and then everyone likes to go out and have some drinks after a chaotic day at work.

I'm sure it doesn't help our weight that we work in a high stress profession either.

[mduffy31]

226. Exactly

We always kid around where I work that us nurses are all fat, diabetic, alcoholics, and we are now starting the fun time of the year when all the families bring us no end of cookies, fudge, popcorn tins etc. Really just once a nice fruit basket would be cool.

[Horse with no Name]

242. Speak for yourself

THIS fat nurse WANTS the chocolate.:silly:

[Seldona]

212. K&R

This is major issue here as of late imo, having sent people packing who otherwise would not have. I compliment, and support, your addressing this head-on. I wish I had the time to do it myself.

Some of the arguments made here are right out of Eugenics imo. Shocking.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eugenics

*Edited to add I am just like your husband. The skinny guy married to a larger woman. I see those stares as well.

[PatSeg]

213. K$R

Two excellent threads on this subject at the same time. By the number of responses, there clearly was a need to address this subject.

Thanks!

[pa28]

219. Prejudice is a difficult thing to face.

Many out there in the world as well as many in this very forum seem to use weight as shorthand for intelligence and class. And it's easy to not make a real effort to understand. They're just "fat people" . . . right?

If I'm being honest with myself and looking over your post I've been guilty too. A real eye opener for me was developing a thyroid condition which caused my weight to fluctuate from 170 to 220 and then back to 170 again after treatment. During that time I was certainly treated "differently" and no I'm not imagining that as a result of some type latent self esteem problem. I hope everybody here gets the chance to read your thread, it's never too late to learn compassion.

[mimitabby]

223. you're not alone

So you were big. My childhood was also absolutely miserable. I was never fat, or big, or anything obvious like that. I had parents like yours that
said I was beautiful, so why didn't the other kids like me? Why wouldn't they play with me, I was always the last one (or second to the last) they picked when there were gym class teams. Lucky for me i had a little sister, so I could play with her friends (ha, pathetic, no?) until they figured out I had cooties.
Kids are rotten. I really think that some good parents set their kids up, because we go home and they tell us how beautiful, smart, whatever we are and then we go to school and discover that everyone else just doesn't agree.
I didn't have a friend until I was in the 8th grade, and she was really the only one. So maybe you're big and overweight but you sure weren't the only kid tortured and tormented all the way through school. Unlike you, I didn't over eat, i sat home and drew my own fantasy world. So now I have a skill maybe most other people don't have.
And thanks to Facebook, I can now find some of those popular kids that were so unfriendly when I needed a friend. And they are not aging as well as I am (because I work at it) and they are living boring lives and still abusing themselves. Maybe I get the last laugh.

[BrklynLiberal]

224. Lovely post. That is why it is so wonderful to have forums like this.

[pookieblue]

225. your letter made me so sad

I know how you feel, but I have had the same haters i my life too. not b/c I was over weight. but I was different. I was never like rest of kids in high school. more shy..very quite. even got called Carrie (from the stephen king movie.)

now..I still have adults (Some girls that are from around town...I see everywhere) that like do the same snickers and looks.

I'm sure you all know what I am talking about. those girls ... women...are adults. but they act like they are still in high school.

A friend of mine, tell me that people like, are not happy with themselves. so they find a victim to make their lives miserable. and they are good at finding people with low self esteem and being their games.


don't know how true it is...

[Pholus]

233. Hey fat-o-phobes, read this....

I want you to tell me about what intellectual achievements you've managed in your gym-filled lives. List em, for me. Patents, journal articles published, grants received. How many times will I see your real name in Nature? See, I figure if you don't measure up to my hard-sciences Ph.D. and publication record I get to tell you that you are intellectually slothful and lazy and that frankly your entire life is a miserable failure. You obviously are a burden to society because you don't produce the way I think you should.

Fair's fair guys and gals -- I want to aspire to be a bigot too, just on my terms instead of yours. Or not. See how silly that all sounded? That's YOU on this issue. Chill out!

See, I'm fat (5'9" and 280 lbs) and I suppose if I had went to the gym all the time I'd be skinny like you, but I wouldn't be doing what I want to do in life and so I'd probably be miserable too....JUST LIKE YOU SEEM TO BE. BTW, no health problems, no family history, just fat and too busy to take the weight off cause I'm busy. Thank you for asking before name-calling.

Now, how about shutting up on all the playground taunting and going back to being liberals and progressives -- if you can. :)

[Tarc]

236. Logical fallacies FTW

Get over yourself. If you can.

[1]

235. "cookies and ice cream will be two foods that will be permanently off limits for me. I can't have"

there you go.

like an alcoholic, these are things you can never partake of.


look at it that way and you might have a chance...

[vietnam_war_vet]

237. Buckettgirl....muchas gracias

You definitely have the gift....a true word smith.

I'm from a German-Irish family of "big," but hard-working people. My paternal grandparents were German/"Pennsylvania Dutch" farmers who -- along with their 4 sons and one daughter -- worked their family farm dawn to dusk, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Truly hard, physical work. And they were all "big" (i.e., "fat") people.

My Mom and her family also had overweight tendencies.

Only my sister has broken the family fat mold -- by having near death illnesses one after another when she was a child and again as a young woman. Helluva way to stay thin, eh?

I have been overweight most of my life. The only times I managed to temporarily lose enough weight to be within the weight/height standards were first during basic training (I was one of McNamara's Project 100,000 - special diet and dawn to dusk exercise for 10 weeks so I could get lean and mean enough for the Vietnam War)....and then during my undergraduate years when I was literally a starving student. I did yoga, ran 5 miles several times a week, and hiked all over beautiful northern Arizona....all the while being -- for all practical purposes - an unwilling vegetarian since I rarely ever could afford to have any meat with my meals.

After my undergraduate and graduate programs, I joined the "real" world, first as a postsecondary English instructor and then as a postsecondary student financial aid professional. Long hours and way too much sitting. I gained weight. I would diet, doing several of the more well-known diets, lose a few pounds, and then gain it all back with extra. I was a human "yo-yo" who gradually got heavier and heavier.

Fast forward to the mid-1990s, I was at my heaviest (341) and had osteoarthritis, osteoporosis, and type II diabetes. I was hobbling around badly with a cane.

A doctor used the old "2 by 4" between my eyes method to get my attention and motivate me. He told me that I would be wheelchair dependent within a year UNLESS I joined and maintained regular participation in an aquatic therapy and exercise program sponsored by the state Arthritis Foundation chapter. I got the message. I joined that program.

I'm probably still alive today and definitely not in a wheelchair because of those aquatic classes. I stayed with it, eventually became a certified instructor of that program, and that's what I've been doing for the last 11 plus years. Currently, I teach classes Mondays through Saturdays.

Yes, I did lose some weight, very slowly over the years. Two years ago, I got down to 270 when my doctor told me it was time for me to start injecting insulin. Insulin is notoriously infamous for its weight gaining properties. I've gained 10 pounds (280), but then have stabilized at that weight.

I'm 5'6" and 280 pounds. I'm very strict with my diet and I do exercise 6 days (20-22 hours in the pool) a week. My doctor is very happy with all my health indicators (my BP 110-120 over 60-70; 120 cholesterol, low triglycerides, etc...), but as others on here have stated....I still sadly know that "look" all too well from others when they see my size.

Discrimination is discrimination and is usually based on arrogance and ignorance. -- Michael

[Deep13]

240. The only fat person I hate is Rush Limbaugh.

And that has nothing to do with his size. Same with Falwell, except he's dead now.

[Sanctified]

243. Buckettgirl, I love you.

Screw the haters and concern trolls, most of them are not worth having as friends anyways. They pull the "it's for your own good" card but really they are just shallow individuals who dislike people who are overweight. My advice is live life to the fullest and enjoy yourself, screw everything else I have been both fat and thin and I can say I really saw no difference in my happiness.

[TygrBright]

244. Your post touched a chord for me. I was going to hit "reply" but...

...I thought I'd read the thread first.

I'm glad I did.

Buckettgirl, you have something the bullies and the bigots will NEVER have: Depth, and compassion.

You appear to be on a wonderful and fruitful journey. If my experience is anything to judge by, you are going wonderful places.

With your insight and maturity, one of two things --possibly both-- is going to happen:

1) You're going to lose some weight and pretty much keep it off. How much? Probably not as much as you think you want, right now. But enough.

2) You're going to stop caring what you weigh as long as you feel good physically and mentally. And that lack of stress will reflect itself in increased well-being.

It's always a cycle--you feel bad, so you feel worse; OR you feel good, so you feel better.

Concentrate on what makes you feel good. Your wonderful husband. What you do for your patients. (Hope if I ever need nursing care I get someone just like you!) The stuff that gives you pleasure in your life, whether it be knitting or playing SuDoKu or gardening or skateboarding or taking pictures or whatever.

Make an effort every day to notice --not the people judging you and finding you wanting because of your appearance (poor schmucks, they have no idea how much they're missing)-- but the people who think you're just wonderful. You may not believe them at first. Heck, I don't believe them after fifteen years or more. But it still feels great.

respectfully,
Bright

[AnnieBW]

245. Could have been my story

Except that I'm not a nurse, I'm a techie.