The Church of the Devout Consumer - Democratic Underground

Leftist78

(609 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore

Fri Nov-28-08 01:56 AM
Original message

The Church of the Devout Consumer

I wrote and posted this as a blog earlier this week. I thought you guys might get a kick out of it. You can see the original http://flyingoskar.blogspot.com/2008/11/church-of-devout-consumer.html">here.

It’s hard to believe we’ve reached that time of year again. The time when we all dutifully go out into the world to the places nearest and dearest to our hearts. The time when we reach into our souls and pull out the true meaning of the divine. The time of year when all faithful people act with a uniform voice that speaks to the core of all our principals. I’m writing of course, of Black Friday.

Buying things is our religion here in America, and the near-month between Black Friday and Christmas Eve is our most holy time. It’s a time when we do the most altruistic thing allowed by our Holy Market; give our families and friends the sacred crap to show how much we care. In this most sacrosanct exchange of crap from one to another we are said to find meaning. Oh joyous time!

The Christmas season is the one time of year when America’s faithful replace the normal “what piece of crap can I buy for myself to better show my piety towards the Celestial Order” to “what piece of crap can I buy Aunt Louise to better show my piety towards the Celestial Order”. This Friday, millions of us will line up outside the mighty Cathedrals of Capitalism to pay our respects to the patron saint of Consumerism, and forsaking the false idols of common good and unity of humankind, we will pray our rosary with the swipe of our credit carts.

Our oracle on Wall Street will smile on us for our efforts if we are sufficiently pious in our consumption, and if we are not he will make his displeasure felt in the tumbling of the Sacred Index. Our Priests, Bishops, and Cardinals from their high-rise pulpits tell us that the one true God has ordained our suffering if we do not worship in his churches with ample fervor. Woe to him who is not dutiful in his spending, for his sin shall stain us all. The prophets Ayn Rand and Milton Friedman, peace be unto them, showed us the way towards the glorious freedom of our loving church.

The prophet Milton Friedman, peace be unto him, told us in the sacred book, Capitalism and Freedom that “there is one and only one social responsibility of business–to use its resources and engage in activities designed to increase its profits”. To even write these holiest of words one must cleanse oneself with an act of Conspicuous Consumption. The prophet Ayn Rand, peace be unto her, was equally sublime in the holy Atlas Shrugged when she wrote “I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.” Her serine condemnation of the evils of collectivism serves as a model for all of us in our divine roles as isolated pockets of consumerism.

There are those who seek to undermine our sacred institutions and destroy our faith during this holiest of holy times. They seek to replace the revered Black Friday with a blasphemy known as Buy Nothing Day. Their particularly vile form of paganism is called Anti-Consumerism, and it is the greatest threat to our faith today. Following their way will surely lead to the condemnation of our Holy Market, and the resulting torment of unfulfilled trivial wants forever and ever. These enemies of basic consumer decency are bent on the fall of our Great Church, and would replace it with their ungodly Collectivist indecencies. To follow them is to court damnation.

We must remember in these trying times that the Holy Market will provide. Ours is not to question its motives, but to be obedient servants to its whims. Our faith in the divine will of the Holy Market will see us through these times of trouble. The ways of the Invisible Hand are mysterious, and should be treated with unwavering faith and respect. To question is to deny, and to deny is to blaspheme. Remember what’s important in this year’s Holy Season. The Holy Market requires your purchasing prayers, your unquestioning faith, and your devout commitment to the one true way. Go forth, faithful flock, and purchase in peace.