Some prayers please (or good thoughts/etc)

[The Straight Story]

I know of late I have been posting a lot about my personal life, I apologize for that - just been a lot going on lately and this is my main outlet.

My wife has taken a turn for the worse. We have our issues to be sure, but she is still my wife and I love her dearly.

We talked tonight about her and her disease and what we will do when her dementia gets worse, what we will do with our baby girl - and she wants me to put her in a home and go away with Hannah. She doesn't want her little girl to see her like this. She fell down today, was so weak she could not even walk to the bathroom without help.

I can't fix everything. I wish I could. I can't make her better, mentally or physically. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. Today was hell, she hit me, screamed at me a lot, and then felt bad about it all and ask me to take our daughter away from it all. I am losing her slowly to this damned disease - not to mention the cyst on her brain and heart issues she has.

I'll stand by her through all this, from being in love with someone else to forgetting things from one moment to the next. She is a good woman who just wanted a normal life and it all got fucked up. She fell down today, she was in such pain I had to lift her up in bed just to have a drink of tea. If she is not better in the morning I am calling 911 to get her into the hospital, not that they can do much for her at this point.

I am watching her slowly die day in and out. She apologized to me today for everything, but I don't want her to - I just want her to be OK. And I can't make that happen.

I see her slipping away each day, and it hurts me so bad. One day she is all happy and doing mommy things and the next day she can barely move and I have to massage her legs and arms because they are all locked up.

She was not even making sense tonight at times, and I had to keep repeating myself because she did not understand what I was saying.

I can't take this, but I have to. My little girl emailed me tonight and told me she was sad and that she wants things to be like they used to be. She even sent me an ecard (and she is only 7) telling me how sad she was. She wants mommy and daddy to be happy and not fight anymore, she wants us to be normal. But I can't make that happen because her mommy is sick, and daddy can't fix this problem.

I don't care who she sleeps with, who she wants to be with, I'll give her all the leeway I can - I'll do anything I can to make this all ok, but at this point I cannot save her. I am watching her slip away day in and out, I am seeing her go slowly out of her mind and I can't do jack shit about it.

I'm scared. I don't want to see this happen to her. We have had 10 good years together, and now I spend each day watching her slowly drift away when all she really wants is to be a good mom. She lashes out at me because somewhere deep inside she knows I won't leave her and I will stand by her. She is scared and worried, she is trying to do what feels right and good to her because she doesn't want to face all this. And I don't want to either.

I don't even know what to type right now. I see her slowing slipping away and I want to make it all ok and I can't. I want to wave a magical wand and make her all better, and I can't. I don't want her to feel guilty and bad for the things she has done to me of late, but she does - and that is not helping her at all.

I don't know what to do anymore. I want her to be ok. And I am powerless in it all. Can't someone make her better? I'll give her up to anyone, I'll do anything it takes. I don't want to see her falling down any more, I don't want to have to hold her up just to have a drink of tea, I don't want to hear her tell me anymore that she does not understand what I just told her.

Please, pray for her, send good thoughts, whatever. Just don't let her die like this. I don't want to see her in pain anymore. I just want our simple life to be back.

And please forgive me for my rants here, I just have to get all this out somewhere. I want to post so much more and contribute more here than just about my life, but right now I need an outlet and this is what I have. I want to be a good daddy and a good husband, but daddy can't always fix everything. And that hurts me.

Thanks to all of you who have been here for me. Someday I will pay it all forward. I just can't today. I can't even sleep tonight.

Maybe if I cry enough and pray enough she will get better. I met the woman of my dreams and now she is slipping away from me day after day. I'll stand by her, but that does not appear to be fixing it all.

[Divine Discontent]

1. no apologies ever needed for the heartaches you're going through

as you request, I am praying for you tonight. I pray the Lord lifts you up in this challenging time when things are very bleak for you. Your strength through this for your family is blessed. Thought I cannot guarantee to know what may or may not happen. There were many times when I felt my brother who I care deeply about was a goner and he was even pronounced gone once in the ER, but came back, and he's been with us for 4 years through his medical problems. Just know you have friends who here on DU who appreciate what you're trying to do in being a source of hope for your child and your loving partner...

I wish you the best! :hug:

[The Straight Story]

4. I just don't know how much more I can handle

I am trying as hard as I can to be everything to her and my baby girl, and all this on top of everything else (my oldest son went into the military and is shipping out to Iraq soon, and my youngest son is shipping out next June). My brother is having surgery next week for a cyst on his back which might be cancerous, and dad is not in good health anymore.

I just want my simple life back, going fishing with the wife and daughter, catching blue gills and carp, etc. I don't need mansions or a ton of money, I just need something simple with the people I love. And now that is all gone and I don't how to get it back.

[snake in the grass]

2. I'm sorry to hear this and...

...am for the most part speechless. Part of me fears that and has often held me up from letting myself go in a relationship. I know it is wrong but sometimes I just don't want the pain. My girlfriend has managed to thaw me out and has shown me what I would be missing if I continued to live autarkicaly. I hope your wife gets better, but never forget that what you two have enriches both of your lives and that can never be taken away.

Sending you positive thoughts.

[JI7]

3. .

:hug:

[TomInTib]

5. Hey, Friemd....

well, Hell....

I just phoned you...

but, hey....

Tom

[ikojo]

6. I pray you and Hannah

are able to recall the good in your wife. I also pray that whatever you view as your higher power is able to assist you and Hannah as your wife makes this transition.

I am so sorry you and Hannah are going through this.

[Drunken Irishman]

7. :(

I don't know what else to say. I got to know AutumnMist over the summer, but then she went quiet and I feared something had happened.

This breaks my heart. :(

I will pray for her.

[The Straight Story]

8. I just helped her to the bathroom and I hope she goes to the hospital tomorrow

She is so weak she can't even click on the damned remote for the TV. She has more wrong with her than just parkinson's right now.

I can't sleep because I am so worried. I made her promise me that if she is not better in the morning we will call and get an ambulance here for her. She couldn't even fucking hold her cup of tea without help.

Sorry to rant, just upset tonight about all this and I want her to be better.

[Breeze54]

9. Rant away ... with no apologies....

You both have a lot to rant about. I wish I could help you. :(

Maybe this :hug: will a little.

Keep posting!!

[spoony]

10. There's so much love in your every word

I know there is little worse than being helpless to things that are out of your control, especially such horrible things. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. And whenever you need to rant or whatever, no one here will mind, because no one should have to go through something like this in silence.

[Behind the Aegis]

11. I wish I could offer something.

I can give good thoughts/prayers, but that is all. I have a brother who is a doctor, but I don't know what he could do. If you think there is something, please PM me, and I will pass vital info to him. This may sound crappy, but;

G-d grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

In the meantime, I pray you reach out to others (outside of online) for help. Do not shoulder it alone. Be well!

[Breeze54]

12. Good thoughts .............

Helplessly Hoping - Crosby, Stills and Nash

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArczUVXrODQ

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joni Mitchell - River

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVwo9IQMWM0

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joni Mitchell-All I Want

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HiSq61HUhI


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:hug:

[Hekate]

13. You are often in my thoughts these days, TSS. If words or prayers of mine could help, I wish ...

... they could. I pray for your peace and safety -- you and those you love.

I can't stay here much longer tonight, but I looked for you and am so glad you checked in to let us know how you are. :hug:

Your wife is not herself a lot of the time any more. If she were, she would not be doing these things that hurt you and Heather. From what you write, it's like she comes back every so often, but then like a drowning swimmer the ocean of her illness pulls her under the waves again. How terrifying for all of you.

It's not your fault. It's not her fault. And it's so unfair, so unspeakably unfair. I feel I have no right to cry for you, but I am. :cry:

It's almost 4 a.m. where I am. Where you are, it's morning. Call the ambulance, dear TSS. I hope the hospital can take it from here. I will pray for that.

You are right to come here and talk to your friends. You are right to ask for our prayers and good thoughts, and you shall have them. Always. :grouphug:

I must go now and don't know when I can check in again tomorrow night, but I will check in and look for you.

Peace, peace, peace to you and yours. Peace like a river flowing. May she be at peace, may she be free from suffering. May you be at peace, may you be free from suffering.

Hekate

[annabanana]

14. my poor dear TSS..

You are being the best friend and lover you know how to be and your darling knows that.
Your daughter cannot understand how strong you are, or why you can't "make it better" now. When she's older she will know and forgive you everything she blames you for now. It isn't an easy road, and it is endless... but you will be able to take your eyes off the rocky path someday.

My heart goes out to you, along with my prayers (such as they are).

[elehhhhna]

15. Times like these we learn to live again

times like these we give and give again
times like these we learn to love again
times like these - time and time again


You are a noble man.

With Love,

Elena

[peace13]

16. TSS I hope that the morning brings better light to things.

I send energy and love your way with thoughts that you and your wife will find peace. Have you looked into Hospice. They may be able to help you. The program has expanded over the years, offing help to people of all ages and circumstance. They are kind and helpful. Peace, Kim

[Hekate]

21. Everyone I know who has used Hospice has praised them to the skies. They're angels on earth at time

... like these. Thanks for bringing them up.

Hekate

[UTUSN]

17. Wow. Just, *so* sorry. n/t

[H2O Man]

18. Prayers.

H2O Man

[ljm2002]

19. Prayers from me...

...and some advice: you need help. Assistance of some kind. You cannot carry this all yourself. You need to be there for your daughter -- as I know you are, and from what you have written here, you have certainly been solid as a rock for your wife.

As difficult as it is right now, what you really need more than anything IMO is a circle of friends and family to help you. If possible, in-home assistance would be the best for your family. If your means are limited, do reach out and see if you can find a way without needing to pay huge amounts of money. Of course now that she is going to the hospital that may be moot but I assume she'll be coming home later -- your writings indicate this is a long-term and slow-motion disease.

You might also want to look into alternative treatments. Not instead of, but in addition to the treatments she is receiving now. I am not trying to put out false hope of miracle cures, but there are sometimes good results for a variety of illnesses -- even if not cures, then in terms of managing the symptoms.

These are just my thoughts trying to be constructive. I know you are doing everything you can right now, and that you must be overwhelmed by it all. Please let your daughter know that she is a wonderful girl, and that you are a loving family, and that you are normal. That there is no such thing as "not" normal. I guess my other advice would be to not "put her in a home and go away with Hannah" as though that will give your daughter better memories. I think when we try too hard to protect our children from the reality, they fill it in with their own story. She might end up feeling that her mother deserted her, or that you took her mother away from her -- remember I said feeling, not thinking -- if she were to be separated from ever seeing her mother to spare her from seeing her mother slide into dementia. So as tough as it is, I'm not sure I would honor your wife's wishes in that regard.

Oh I'm sorry I'm just rambling, in response to your heart rending post. Please keep yourself as well as you possibly can, and give your wife and daughter hugs every day, and know there are a lot of people pulling for you all. No one can possibly sit in judgment of the decisions you make in such trying circumstances.

:hug:

[s-cubed]

20. You are not alone.

My good friend's husband had parkinson's - horrible disease. I listened, let her cry on my shoulder, held her when she needed to be held. In this virtual world, we offer you the same, to give you our strength so you can continue. In the end, my friend was at peace, because she knew she had done everything she could do. You will have that peace too.