Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think

[Ichingcarpenter]

CHICAGO—Health experts have long known that drinking red wine can have such positive benefits as reducing blood vessel damage, lowering the risk of heart attack, and preventing harmful LDL cholesterol from forming. But researchers at the Northwestern University Department of Preventive Medicine have recently found that the consumption of four to six glasses of red wine, most notably at dinner or a family function, may be linked to totally going off on one's mom.

According to a study published Monday in The American Journal Of Medicine, a previously unknown ingredient in red wine has been shown to cause a marked improvement of vocal clarity and emotional acuity—while reducing overall inhibition—after only four glasses.

During routine trials, subjects who imbibed five glasses or more showed a remarkable increase in specific mental functions, such as the ability to recall every time their mothers had been unsupportive of their boyfriends or husbands.

A striking reduction in the time needed to translate personal epiphanies into loud, public epiphanies was also noted.

"It seems the benefits of red wine consumption are virtually limitless," said Dr. Susan Zheng, lead researcher on the study. "Many were unable to recall a single time their mother had paid more attention to their sister's soccer games than to their starring role in the school play. But after drinking only one bottle of standard Merlot, these participants could not only remember, but could actually sing whole stretches of Annie Get Your Gun, even while sobbing. It's extraordinary."

The positive effects of wine consumption were seen in as little as three hours, with 86 percent of participants showing greater resistance to unsolicited career advice, 77 percent displaying increased mental function in the area of the brain devoted to reminding you why Dad left you in the first place, and 60 percent demonstrating less concern to "play this little happy-happy game anymore."

Subsequent tests revealed that, if the wine is consumed prior to dinner or on an empty stomach, the benefits are increased nearly tenfold.


http://www.theonion.com/content/news/study_finds_link_between_red_wine

[Fovea]

1. Thanks!

I needed that.

[wryter2000]

2. Never mind

The Onion. Shoulda known.

[TomInTib]

3. I know that wine vastly improves my guitar playing and singing.

I just know it.

[shadowknows69]

7. And it is directly relative to how much your audience has consumed as well

:P

[Swede]

4. We used to call red wine "truth serum".

Now I know why.

[shadowknows69]

5. Which is why I don't get drunk at family get togethers

Unless it's my wife's family because I don't know any of them well enough to have issues yet lol.

[panader0]

6. When I was young, I tried that with reds, not red wine.

They loosened my tongue real good. Unfortunately, the things I said to my mom got me thrown out of the house by my dad.

[TomInTib]

8. Musicians of the world, unite!

I know precisely what you mean.

And I mean precisely.

[FirstLight]

9. I promptly called my mother to read this...

...and quietly poured a glass of red wine, so she wouldn't tell me "you don't need THAT!"
She dissaproves of sweets, alcohol, and apparently, sex...

:rofl:

no, that's the truth! series! My mom just told me what NOT to eat for dinner tonight...because I "don't need that" when my hips are this wide! jeez!

[lin_e65]

10. There's one more thing...

Wine vastly improves intelligence. When I imbibe more than 5 glasses, I know everything.

[pacalo]

11. Hahaaa!

Welcome to DU, lin_e65!

:hi:

[valerief]

12. LOL! Rum, beer, whiskey, tequila, brandy all do the same thing!!!!

I think that ingredient is called alcohol.

:rofl:

I love The Onion.

[Loudmxr]

13. The secret ingredient is called "The Taste"

Yes I drink for "The Taste". This is found in all related beverages like wine, whiskey, gin, Everclear. Even Scope after 2am.... when all the stores are closed.

Yes "The Taste" I love it. :toast: