U.S., Al Qaeda Near Major Trade Agreement

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(Satire)

Report: Cheney Headed to ‘Tribal Region’

In what both sides are claiming as a major step toward victory in the War on Terror, sources confirmed today that a deal is in the works in which the United States would send former Vice President Dick Cheney to al Qaeda in exchange for Osama bin Laden and ‘future considerations’, reported to be two lower-level terrorists, the stature of which will be contingent upon bin Laden’s determined value to the U.S. after the next election season. According to a source close to the negotiations, the deal is considered “all but done” after both sides agreed to eliminate a standard clause that makes any trade contingent on both players passing physicals.

The final obstacle, expected to be resolved today, is the $50 million the United States has, until now, offered as a ‘reward’ for bin Laden’s apprehension. Scott Boras, Cheney’s agent, maintains that it should go to his client, arguing that, “As of January 20, Dick’s ‘no-trade’ clause has been in effect. He can veto any deal, and thus should be rewarded for waiving the clause.” Boras also expressed anger with al Qaeda for breaking the story early, saying he “had planned on releasing a statement to the media during the historic Senate vote on the economic stimulus bill.”

Disagreeing with Boras about the $50 million are both al Qaeda’s future leader, Ayman al-Zawahiri and White House Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel. Emanuel was quoted as saying, “… No-trade clause my a** - just because he doesn’t work in Washington anymore doesn’t mean his f*****g Dr. Strangelove-looking a** doesn’t still belong to the American people… He should have been f*****g shipped out a long f*****g time ago… If he and his f*****g agent think he’s entitled to that f*****g money, they can kiss my f*****g a**.”

Rest of Story: http://thedesperateblogger.wordpress.com/2009/02/05/us-al-qaeda-near-major-trade-agreement/