I don't know what to say.

[SmileyRose]

I don't know who you are but I thank you. First the hearts and now the star. I didn't mind the ads at all and made a point of clicking on one every time I came in and poking around for a couple of minutes so the DU gets a few pennies - I probably still will.

All my life someone has been telling me everyone else is more important and I will just have to sacrifice for their good. When I was a teenager (a very studious and obedient kind) one of the cousins who had moved in with us stole something incredibly precious to me and I raised a fuss. I was the last straw and I pretty much demanded to know why am I always the one making accommodations for everyone else and never the other way around - my parents did not have the time or emotional resources to spend on me. They just wanted me to STFU, stop feeling, stop needing and cooperate. I couldn't - even if it was selfish, I couldn't. They threw me out.

I had a boyfriend who was 2 years older than me, was graduated and moved out with his best friend. I moved in with him. I have no idea if I loved him or not, I just needed somewhere to go. We married eventually mainly because of the guilt about "shacking up". We don't have a physical relationship and so never had kids. I've spent my whole adult life being depending on him financially, not even trying to reach my potential because I don't dare ask for what I need. He's generally oblivious and unavailable. He cares about me, but it's certainly not true love. In the 30 years we've been together if there is any sort of dispute the end result has always been that I am an unreasonable bitch who doesn't deserve what I'm asking for. It has taken it's toll on me - mentally, physically.

My father died in 2007 and there were a lot of long talks about his mistakes when I was younger and how deeply he hoped I would not let that keep me from being loved my whole entire life. I turn 50 in May and I've been taking a long hard look at my life. I have a people I know and my siblings show up in a crisis, but I have no real friends to talk to. It's pathetic and I need to change it. I just don't know how.

My husband is currently critical. I have no idea how it will come out and so my whole everything is on hold once again because of someone else's needs. My mental state has not been good.

I am telling you this because I want you to know the act of kindness to even notice I exist on this board. That I am a person who deserves this small gesture is like a lifeline to someone like me who has been basically invisible for 50 years. I don't know if you have any inkling what a bit of candlelight in the pitch black hell hole of darkness is like. I'm not even sure I know how to fully explain it.

I thank you. Many times over I thank you. I thank God for this place in general for many many reasons, but this has been as especially wonderful thing. Thanks.

Whoever you are :hug:

Rose

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

1. Rose:

This place has thrown me more lifelines than all ever thrown by the US Coast Guard in their history. It is one of the things this place does best.

As for your walk through life and the bumps in the road? Find someone to talk to. Me? I like therapists. They helped me change the tapes that played in my head.

[SmileyRose]

4. I realized I need a professional a few weeks ago.

My insurance will cover part of the cost for some visits. I have an HMO and have to have a referral. Primary care appointment is tomorrow so that will be a step in the right direction.

It's just way too big a mess and too big a pile to sort through by myself.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

6. Never forget one thing:

We all go through periods of our lives when we struggle. At those times, there is no shame in reaching out to others for some of their strength. One of my lessons I have learned on my path is that professionals are people with the desire to lend you some of theirs.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear SmileyRose...

Well, I wish I could say I gave your your hearts, but since I didn't, I can't. I am very moved at your story...

You have suffered so much, I can hardly believe it. I would say that you need to get yourself into counseling, and pronto.

You have been dealt a series of unimaginably harsh blows all your life! No wonder you're depressed. I'm sure money is an issue, so find a therapist who will take whatever you can afford to pay, and get going...

You can turn your life around.

You deserve way, way better, and it's not too late for you get it.

:hug: :hug:

[elizfeelinggreat]

3. I did not do it but I'm so glad you got a star, Rose.

:hug:

I hope your life continues to improve and you find real peace and happiness.

[Skittles]

5. see SmileyRose, you can talk to us, you're talking to us now

we know you exist and you're worth a thousand hearts :hi:

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

8. You go, grrlfriend. You go.

:loveya:

[Bluenorthwest]

7. Ah Rose...

everything is possible. You can have what you will. And you will.

[Fireweed247]

9. well you sound like a real sweetheart to me

:pals:
and let me just say I can totally relate to this statement...
"my parents did not have the time or emotional resources to spend on me. They just wanted me to STFU, stop feeling, stop needing and cooperate." because I wasn't supposed to have feelings and even if I were treated in a completely unjustified and morally reprehensible manner I was just supposed to suck it up and deal with it. I always had to be the parent and if I tried to fight for what was right I was ignored or given more about how they felt. No one listened or cared. It's as if I am not supposed to have feelings or something.

I'm really sorry about your husband. He may not have been your soul mate, but it sounds like he has been there for you. Since you are growing in awareness, maybe now is the time to start thinking about who YOU are and what YOU want with your life. I don't think you need a psychologist, you just need to begin to express your feelings and be listened to. Maybe your friends at DU can help :loveya:

[grannie4peace]

10. oh, you dear sweet heart-

honey , you have torn my heart out! i went back to school when i was 38 and had left my husband. i knew i could never support my 4 kids on minimum wage. it took me 10 years to get a BA but it was a part of my life i would never trade! i didn't give you the star or the heart but you can always count on me to try to do any thing you would ask :):):) it's a good place , du. this is the only time God has given you on this earth so don't sell yourself short. there is a wonderful world out there with many kind, wise, funny lovely people will fall in love with you.:toast: :hi: :grouphug: :pals: :fistbump: :yourock: :headbang: :applause: :woohoo: :patriot: :patriot: :loveya: :loveya: :loveya: :loveya: :loveya: :loveya: :loveya: i gave away all my hearts already but i hope this will be a cool memory :)

[SmileyRose]

11. Thank you all - all of of you who responded.

I mainly wanted the "culprit" to know how special their act was. You all who responded have just really made my month.

Geesh I love the DU. :)

[grannie4peace]

12. we love you , too :)

[monmouth]

13. Dear Rose, you are such a beautiful writer and my thoughts are with you...n/t

[Tsiyu]

14. Why, you knew exactly what to say

I teared up reading this.

Like you, I am facing 50 shortly, and I don't mind at all except that it has caused me to reflect on the past much more than is usual for me.

Maybe it's inevitable. But you now know you are loved and appreciated.

Volunteer, go take a class, and you will meet friends, I have no doubt. But don't forget your friends here!

:hug:


On edit: I do not want to imply that I was your heart giver! They rock. But it wasn't me even though I'd give you a dozen if I could!

[BlooInBloo]

15. :)))))

[bvar22]

16. K&R

Beautifully written.
You have skills,
and you also have friends here.


While I can't pretend to know what you are going through, I can tell you that I once had to start all over again in Middle Age...all alone and without resources. It was very frightening, and forced me to question who I was on some very basic levels.

There is a doorway available to those of us who stand on that lonely and frightening spot.
I was given the chance to re-evaluate everything I believed about myself and the World I lived in.
It was not a pleasant business, and I hope to never be given this "opportunity" again, but when I stood on that spot, I got to decide all over again what was really important to me, and what was not.

Over the next year, almost everything changed. I was given a chance to put the things that were important to ME in my life, and walk away from the things that had proved worthless. I didn't do this alone, but the things I needed, and the people I needed were right in front of me when I looked. Some of the people who helped me were Professionals, and some weren't.


You did a pretty brutal evaluation of yourself in the OP, but if you look, there is a thread of some of the Things that are important to you that are priceless. Hang on to those.

The things you want, you must be willing to give away.
If you want a friend, be a friend.
If you want PEACE, give it to everyone.

Good Luck on your journey.

Bob

[hootinholler]

17. From another who can count IRL friends on less than one hand...

:hug:

There is a pretty big group of virtual friends here.

-Hoot

[Batgirl]

18. You must have some essential inner sturdiness because in spite of that background

you described, you've survived. Your writing skills reveal much self-awareness and that you might be gearing up to make some scary leaps. It seems that whoever gave you the heart(s) helped to remind you that you're worthy of happiness, and that it's not too late. I wish you all the luck and courage possible in your efforts.

[Number23]

19. I never thought a DU fund-drive could bring me to tears.

What a lovely, heartfelt post. You just put all of this silly candy heart business in perspective, didn't you??

You are beautiful.

[Fire1]

20. We are 'family' and that = LOVE!!!! I, too am grateful and so

broke I can't pay attention. But we'll all get through our trials and tribulations, together, as DU!!!

[rvablue]

21. Sweet post. Thanks for writing it!! n/t

[Evoman]

22. It's never too late to improve yourself.

The great thing about being human is that once self-awareness kicks in (and you show it in spades), you can inchange your internal programming. It isn't always easy, but the ability is always there.

You are a person, and you deserve to get your needs fulfilled. DESERVE it. And if anyone tries to stop you, you start with a dragon kick to their teeth, then give a piercing two-fingered strike to the throat, and finish with a haymaker to the brain stem. Or call me and I'll do it for you.

Evoman

[roguevalley]

23. we see you, Rose, and you are beautiful.