*** DUzy Awards for week ending February 20, 2009 ***

[JeffR]

Welcome to the Son of the Bride of the Escape from the Return of the DUzy Awards (with a vengeance), recognizing exceptional snark, enlivening satire and epigrammatic sass from the past week on DU.

Congratulations to this week's winners!

The DUzy Awards might just be announced every Friday night. Previous awards can be found in my journal.

Note to Mods: Skinner has authorized the DUzy Awards to be posted in GD.

Well, then.

This extravagantly brief edition of the DUzy Awards is simply to make some space for deliberation with the new DUzy Academy Executive Board.

In alphabetical order, the Board is: alittlelark, flvegan, Ghost in the Machine, Lucinda and QueenOfCalifornia.

They haven't had anything much to do yet, bless 'em, but rest assured I'm even now devising ways to work them like crazy while I sip my vermouth and gaze glassily back over the wreckage of my youth.

Some DUers might remember us all by our previous usernames: Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich, uh... +1.

New rules for DUzy nominations can be found .

To all who sent me their good wishes after I'd retired these things, my heartfelt thanks. Some of y'all had me getting teary-eyed, for which, of course, I can never forgive you. - JeffR

Special thanks to varelse, myrna minx, Warpy, grantcart, Fire Walk With Me, krispos42, Kurovski and NanceGreggs for their invaluable assistance with this edition.

OP by Kurovski: Valentines Day Bi-Partisanship: A Reach-Around the Aisle.

It's the first Valentines Day of his tenure, and President Barack Obama has still got a bad case of bi-fever. That dear-old sense of Kumbaya and respect that bi-partisanship engenders. At least on one side.

And in at least one person, namely Barack Obama.

Okay. I admit it. There exists at least TWO of us. And so now if you will allow me to unravel my dark Valentine's Day confession, here we go...

Do you remember Mike Brady? The handsome gentleman who married Florence Henderson and who in the seventies together with Mike kept six child actors holed-up in a windowless California home?

Well, I contend that Republican Minority Leader John Boehner is way cuter than Mike. He is totally "Gunsmoke" material. He's in the category of "Blue-eyed dream-creamsicle white-boy". Was he in that eighties movie version of Hair? Because I could swear I saw him in his boxers at the recruitment center.

He could even be a TEEVEE salesman for a big national insurance company. In other words, he's mega-dreamy and monster-hot. Compared to him, Ronald Reagan ain't diddly-squat, and I'm finding it hard to believe that Peggy Noonan hasn't already horn-dogged him in the pages of the Wall Street Journal. And if she did, well Peggy, you just back off before we have some trouble.

I find myself checking into CSpan just to stare into John's big, puffy, bloated blue eyes. Their swollen appearance is our assurance that he's working hard to figure out how to make this beleaguered nation better by way of three scotches a night.

Their moistness signals that they're ever-ready to shed a manly, testosterone-laced tear.

--Oh John. Why won't you let me dry your tears?

He is my wrinkly orange love god. Where lies the limits of that tan-line and what of my fevered dream to cross it?

My hands reach out to the screen as my imagination tousles that...that...that...stuff on top of his head.

I stretch before the set like a panther as I luxuriate in the aural touch of his tender, lisp-ish speech. It spills from the speakers, sounding loose and slushy, his oratory tripping up the stairs like a tipsy baritone cutie-pie dropping his drawers on the way, ready for bed.

The sound is so insanely adorable that I find myself biting my lip and sharply smacking my own bottom to keep from floating off into the stratosphere, so delightful is the joy of it all.

I even love it when he trashes everything I believe in on the House Floor. Who cares? They're just "things". But John. John is experience itself.

I thrill to his strong-mindedness as it is revealed in that histrionic manner I so admire. Just recently he plunged--no, dashed--the telephone-book sized stimulus bill to the floor to make a point. That should teach us! This will keep us on our toes! And now we know what to expect should we prepare a pan of poorly-seasoned lasagna that displeases him.

Do you think I'm kidding? Do you dare laugh at love? The arrogance! You all know in your hearts that that man is one-hundred percent adorable and special. And lest you forget...he is a "minority" member.

So as you can see, I'm doing my level best to work on a stimulus package of my own design and like our President, I too reach across the aisle while never letting the ridiculous impossibility of my situation give me pause.

For myself, Mr. Boehner's heterosexuality is no impediment whatsoever. Similarly, President Obama has not been held off by the fact that Minority Leader John Boehner is loaded with more horseshit than a team of constipated Clydesdales.

And as Helen Thomas once kindly emailed to me, "hope springs eternal".

A happy Valentine's to all, and to all...a good night!

      myrna minx: He makes my heaving bosom flutter, when his capable hands brandish the massive stimulus package,

knowing his manly jimmy dean sausage fingers are tinged with nicotine and his blood red manly eyes tell me what's for dinner.

:loveya:

      Patsy Stone: Save yourself

(for Clooney) and just don't do it. Don't get sucked into the downward death spiral of need that this man will drag you (hopefully dressed as Bette Davis) into. This is a future episode of Intervention waiting to happen. Think, man! Think with the big head before subjecting yourself to the hundreds of 4 a.m. drunken voice mails he's bound to leave.

While I admit the combination of orange and blue (with a dash of bloodshot) is currently de riguer in fashion, don't be a victim to its trendy ways. I can't stand to see you do this. Please... Please...

:hi:
:loveya:

      SalmonChantedEvening: Well just damn

I give up binge drinking and getting spray-tanned weekly at Earl Schieb for New Years and I read this.

Edgar, call Earl, set up an appointment, and get me the Dewars outta the bomb shelter. It's in a box marked Foot Ointments.

(Unhand my Boehner woulda been just too lazy.)

Dr. K. :hi: :loveya:

      Kurovski: Patsy says that color combo is the latest thing.

Work it in Milan. Work it in Poughkeepsie. Work it on the catwalk.

Work it.

:loveya:

      Solly Mack: Nay. I would never laugh at love.

The heart wants what the heart wants

The gut feels what the gut feels

and, like Boehner, the colon expresses itself

      Kurovski: ...just like the text of the Stimulus Bill...

all over the floor.

      bleever: I too wish to rhyme with orange.

To inhale the heady fragrance of nicotine from his yellowed fingernails.

To hear the sound of the ocean in his burbled laments for a lost America.

To assist as his mohel in trimming the taxes from the pillar of American commerce.

To stare into the bloodshot windows of where his tender soul once perched, til frightened away by the tempest of foul fortune.

Would he cast his glans my way just once, I would reconcile him to the true pronunciation of his name.

      Horse with no Name: He has a higher purpose than we mere mortals can understand

He can stand in for my Jack-o-Lanterns on Halloween.

      Arugula Latte: Ours is not to question the ways of the Boehner.

He moves in mysterious ways, and, verily, he moves his bowels in mysterious ways, as well.

GD, February 14, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5053915

On a poll by spanone: Olive Garden... Applebee's... Denny's... The most EVIL non-fast-food chain restaurant

      Vektor: I've always hated Marie Callender's the most because I had a HORRIBLE experience there.

I worked there very briefly in my youth, and suffered at the cruel hands of an enormous eight-foot tall "woman" who was actually a nazi clad in gray, woolen pants that were skin-tight, inducing massive, turgid camel toe which burned my eyes and gave me nightmares.

She was the manager, and one of the few people I actually wished death upon on a regular basis.

I quit after loudly telling her to go fuck herself in front of the entire lunch rush crowd, and to this day, I pray she was sliced from stem to sternum by those horrible EVIL pants.

But wait, there's more.

      Vektor: I'm glad you liked it. The mere memory has reduced me to a quivering mess.

I'm basically curled up in fetal position on the floor, rocking back and forth, arms wrapped around my knees, guzzling the Chardonnay and eating fist-fulls of Bennies in an attempt to come down off the ledge.

The camel toe haunts me...

And more.

      Vektor: Oh, god. You should have seen it.

A rough-hewn train wreck that you couldn't look at without turning to stone, but could not look away from either. :scared:

It was like the giant, burgeoning, itchy-scratchy, charcoal colored, cloven-hoof of doom. The Devil's Footprint.

The Lounge, February 15, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8521195

On a thread by EraOfResponsibility: Do you think the President lurks here?

      leftstreet: He's the one K&Ring all the Hero Worship threads

}(

      rug: Only in the TV Chat group.

      NoPasaran: He's "Secret Admirer"

He's doling out hearts in lieu of ponies

      EstimatedProphet: No.

So far he knows what he's doing.

      Peacetrain: Just in case...

:hi: Keep up the good work Mr President.

      ellie: Eeek!

I better stop cursing then.

      chollybocker: Just in case he does lurk here.... HI, BARACK!!

Did he look?

HI, BARACK!!

Did he just wave back at me? Ya think?

HI, BARACK!!

I'm sure he heard me that time.

Where's he going now?

BYE, BARACK!!

He did so look at me.

GDP, February 17, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8202808

On a thread by marmar: SHOCKER!!!! Fewer people can afford to shop at Whole Foods these days.....

      Captain Hilts: Nom de Dieu! Quelle fromage! nt

GD, February 18, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5084571

On a thread by Liberal_in_LA: Drunk man run over by train awarded $2.3 million

"Dustin Dibble, 25, landed in the subway tracks after a late night watching a hockey game at a bar with friends April 23, 2006. A downtown N train ran over him, severing his right leg..."

      Lost in CT: In all fairness pedestrians have the right of way

The train should have swerved to miss him.

According to testimony it kept going in a straight line "Like it was on rails"

Plus the man is a Rangers fan and honestly haven't they suffered enough this year?

GD, February 18, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5085124

OP by styersc: I hate it when I find out too late that there is no toilet paper!!!!

Fortunately, I noticed that I was not alone in the stall. I had been followed by the money that I could be saving if I switched to GEICO.

Boy,the horrified look in the eyes of those bills when I proceeded to....

Well, no need for details.

I just hate it when I find out too late that there is no TP.

      bluesbassman: Stranded....Stranded on the toilet bowl,

What do you do when you're stranded,
And you ain't got a roll.

*Sung to the tune of "Branded", from the TV series of the same name. :)

The Lounge, February 18, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8533138

OP by Peacetrain: I am sorry I can no longer play with DU, you are no longer the "cool site"

I must join Steele the new Republican Party leader, in a hip hop revival of their party.

:sarcasm:

      derby378: See you back here in 15 minutes

:hi:

      Peacetrain: ~rofl~ You just cannot make this stuff up

No programs, no initiatives, no help, but they are going "Urban"..

      damntexdem: But plenty of copyright infringement.

They'll soon be hopping away from stolen hip.

      gkhouston: I thought that was "Suburban" -- likely to roll over and go up in flames. n/t

      Sebastian Doyle: Steele's going hip hop? What's his stage name gonna be?

Vanilla Chocolate Ice?? :rofl:

      damonm: Nah...MC Steel

      Number23: I believe he's known throughout the D.C. area as...

Double Stuff

:)

      Earth Bound Misfit: NOTORIOUS G.O.P.

:evilgrin:

      Occam Bandage: Yaw, boyeee, da GOP be funkee-fresh up in this club,

ballin' with da b-boys and da tax cuts fo shizzle wit ma homies aww yeeeeaah word to your mutha, pop a cap in tha muthafuckin' capital gains tax yo. Sippin' on drank, drunk wit powah, got our mind on tha market and tha market on our minds, this shit gon' trickle down gon' muthafuckin' make it rain, shawty. Ice, ice, baby, gonna ice big government, yo.

Awright, 18-to-34 demographic, you feelin' us? You feelin' us?


...Dagnabbit, nothin'. Johnson, get back there and see if you can't hip-hop it up some more. If you're running low on ideas, look on my desk; I had a staffer pick up an MC Hammer cassette.

      SemiCharmedQuark: They tried this with Nixon and Elvis, didn't they?

      Cheap_Trick: The 2dumb crew?

word.

      PVnRT: They support tax cuts, that's how they're street

AHHHHHHHHHH CMON FUCKIN' GUY

And see below for some Special Visual Achievement awards from this thread.

GDP, February 19, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8210685

On a thread by backscatter712: OUCH! Be careful with monster neodymium magnets!

These aren't garden-variety fridge magnets. These are mad scientist magnets. Wile E. Coyote magnets.

If you have an old computer with a dead hard drive, and don't mind sacrificing the hard drive for Science!, you can dissect it and have your very own neodymium magnet. It's not quite so insanely powerful that it will do what I'm linking to shortly, but they might mash fingers, and they'll clamp to your fridge hard enough to scratch it, and will be pretty difficult to remove. Most people don't think that magnets can get that strong.

Still, we can't leave well enough alone. It's time to take things to the next level.

http://www.unitednuclear.com/magnets.htm

      Akoto: Do not taunt Happy Fun Neodymium Magnet. n/t

The Lounge, February 19, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8533779

OP by Believing Is Art: The "Right" Touch - My contribution to the hip-hop makeover

To the tune of The Bad Touch by The Bloodhound Gang

Ha-ha! Well now, we call this the act of obstruction
But there are several other very important differences
Between conservatives and liberals that you should know about.

We'd appreciate your money

Debt, baby, debt, baby
Obama's a leftist thief.
He wants taxpayers to foot the bill
For his commie spending spree.
But we'll get our hands on the budget,
And with some tax cuts,
You'll have a job, affordable mortgage,
Let's shove the stimulus!
We've had enough of tax-and-spend
We need Reagan and trickle-down.
All the liberals can give us
Is the Dow below eight thou.
Need more troops in Iraq
Or Bin Laden will attack!
We need to invade some sovereign nations
And give those Dems enhanced interrogation.

Do it now.
Pelosi fucked it up,
Recovery ain't likely.
Wait for twenty-ten.
Let's all watch O'Reilly.
Do it again now.
Pelosi fucked it up,
Recovery ain't likely.
Wait for twenty-ten,
Let's all watch O'Reilly.
Votin' Palin now!

I'm sorry this is terrible, just heard about the hip-hop makeover today and had to write something before it became as irrelevant as the GOP itself. I'll come up with a second verse if this becomes a major Steele talking point.

GD, February 20, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5095441

On a thread by Gman: Freepers call for revolution; civil war; secession. "Lee Harvey where are you?"

      cliffordu: I wish these fuckers would just set themselves on fire and be done with it.

      Bluebear: Those patriots sound so big and strong, I'm literally swooning here!!!1

:silly:

      sufrommich: Enjoy it while you can.Obama is feverishly working to

sap them of their precious bodily fluids in order to destroy their essence as we speak.

GD, February 20, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5097922

OP by THUNDER HANDS: All Right...If You Really Want To Know Where All The Money Goes...

response #13 by huskerlaw

response #67 by caseymoz

GD, February 16, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5067066


OP by grantcart: I have had it. The time has come for Obama to tone it down.

response #18 by Me.

response #4 by lunatica

response #7 by grantcart

response #8 by Ikonoklast

GDP, February 14, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8197168


On a thread by ck4829: Did a pig just fly by anyone else's window? Pat Robertson blasts Rush Limbaugh

response #4 by Arkansas Granny

GD, February 17, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5073197


On a thread by sabra: Major cache of fossils (from the last ice age) unearthed in L.A.

response #29 by geardaddy

LBN, February 18, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x3745034


On a thread by Peacetrain: I am sorry I can no longer play with DU, you are no longer the "cool site"

response #15 by KansDem

response #17 by Ikonoklast

response #19 by 4lbs

response #23 by rockymountaindem

response #26 by Jennicut

response #31 by kirby

response #65 by Lochloosa

GDP, February 19, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8210685


OP by HughBeaumont: There. Is. No. Hope.

GD, February 19, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5091538


OP by zulchzulu: GOP launches new Hip Hop marketing strategy

GDP, February 20, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8212690


OP by Hellataz: Coming to a town near you... the new faces of the GOP!

response #1 by Earth Bound Misfit

response #5 by Baikonour

response #13 by radfringe

GDP, February 20, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8212553

[InternalDialogue]

1. Welcome back, DUzys!

Thanks, JeffR. These are always much appreciated at the end of the week!

[Dennis Donovan]

2. Huzzah!

Great to have the DUzy's back, Jeff!!!!:thumbsup:

[rug]

3. Thank God for steroids.

:thumbsup:

[bridgit]

4. I see by The Board there's no chance certain topics & DUer's will ever come on board via The Board..

Democracy Achieved!

[JeffR]

6. I'm the capo.

So those failings will be mine, not theirs.

[bridgit]

26. heh-heh, "Youz'r break'in my heart, Tony" ~ rat-ta-tat-tat!

[SalmonChantedEvening]

5. Rec #8 and a HUGE Kick!!

Now, on to the reading.

Heya JeffR :hi: :yourock:

[NanceGreggs]

7. Glad to have you back ...

... My DUzys!

:kick: :applause: :kick:

[Mind_your_head]

8. *GASP* Wow! What an unexpected, totally pleasant surprise!

Thank you JeffR!!!! :applause: :bounce: :applause: :bounce: :applause: :bounce:

[wryter2000]

9. Yay

Thank you, JeffR. You're a saint to do this!

[malaise]

10. You were missed

badly. Welcome back. Thanks JeffR et al. We know this is hard werk. :D

[Jack Rabbit]

11. K/R

Just 'cause.

[arcadian]

12. Oh great.

Now I have to try to be clever in my posts again. All I've been doing of late is pissing people off, it's way easier. :P

Glad you're back JeffR! :hi:

[Sultana]

13. Woot!

the Steele tidbit made me :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

:thumbsup:

[Berry Cool]

14. Welcome back Jeff, and welcome back DUzys!!!!

You have just given approximately 87.4% of DU members sufficient reason not to slit their wrists this week.

The rest of them? Someone tell 'em, DUzys are back.

Hurry.

[Faygo Kid]

15. They're back?!? Well, that deserves a heart.

This is hugh.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

16. My dear JeffR!

I'm loving the new, stripped-down DUzy's! These are wonderful and less fattening!

Thankyouthankyouthankyou!

K&R

:patriot:

[Arugula Latte]

17. *sniff*

Seems like old times. *dabs eyes delicately with hanky*

[NV Whino]

18. Yay, DUzys!

Thanks JeffR.

[Solly Mack]

19. K&R

Cool beans.

[myrna minx]

20. Thank you Jeff, for acknowledging that Kurovski is the most handsome and clever

amongst our mortal selves.

Thank you for all that you do for us. :loveya:

[AwakeAtLast]

21. Woohoo! Great to see the DUzys again!

:woohoo: :bounce: :woohoo:


:applause: :applause: :applause: :applause:


:bounce: :woohoo: :bounce:

[nc4bo]

22. Welcome back!!!! nt

[ColbertWatcher]

23. w00t! Welcome back! k+r, n/t

[cbayer]

24. Welcome back and thank you so much!

:toast:

[scarletwoman]

25. Bwahahahahahahahahaaaa... You shall never be free of the DUzys.

Like Marley's ghost, the chains you so blithely forged yea those many years agone shall clink and clank in your wake forever.

Like Prometheus chained to the rock, you are bound to your fate for having brought the gift of teh funny to DU.

And the rest of us shall laugh, and the echoes of our laughter shall ring in your ears verily unto end of time.

}(

Love,
sw

[Lugnut]

27. Thanks Jeff!

It's good to have the DUzys back.

[meeloo]

28. Oh, what delicious stuff here indeed,....

I'm glad I recently joined DU

[JeffR]

29. Welcome to DU!

:fistbump:

[Juan_de_la_Dem]

30. Really glad to see the DUzy's back. Thanks

[EraOfResponsibility]

31. Whoa! I won???

I don't know what to say...I'd like to thank the Academy...

[MilesColtrane]

32. I hereby challenge all DUzy winners to donate $1 for each award they receive...

...to a charity that focuses on our fellow citizens who are impoverished.

Perhaps JeffR can list a few organizations that he feels strongly about and he can provide links to them in each weeks DUzy awards post.

Let's all put our wise-assery towards a good purpose, and give JeffR extra incentive to continue his weekly labors.

[JeffR]

37. I like that idea!

Thinking cap engaged.

[byrok]

33. "The money I could be saving if I moved to GEICO"

Advice: Never eat macaroni while perusing the DUzys. You may just find a noodle CAN shoot out your nose.

[WilliamPitt]

34. YAAAAAAAY!!!

[Earth Bound Misfit]

35. WOO HOO! Welcome back DUzy's!

Thanks, JeffR, wasn't the same around here without them.

I received 2 DUzy's? WOW. I've only received 1 previously, it is indeed "better" the second time around.

I haven't had an orthodox career, and I've wanted more than anything to have your respect. The first time I didn't feel it, but this time I feel it, and I can't deny the fact that you like me, right now, you REALLY like me.:cry:

[Occam Bandage]

36. Glad to see the DUzys back!

[Wetzelbill]

38. I am still angry at Kurovski for losing me the election

He had a -14 approval rating. Or that could have just been the temperature in my hometown this morning. Everything has been a blur in my grieving stage. If you think Al Gore got fat after the SC handed things over to Bush, I've been mainlining nacho cheese and gravy for the last month.

on edit:

I checked the temperature in Cut Bank, Montana this morning was -16.

[Kurovski]

42. I think it's because we didn't "gay it up" enough.

Everyone loves teh gays.

[JNelson6563]

39. Dude.

:toast:

[Bobbie Jo]

40. WooooHoooo Kickarooo!

:bounce:

[Lucinda]

41. Bumpitybumpbump.

:)

[Kurovski]

43. Welcome back, Mr. Jeffr.

I love you more than a whole roomful of Boehners! :loveya:

Sorry I couldn't be here sooner...busy weekend. Elton made me do his centerpieces twice.