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Satire from www.TheDesperateBlogger.com
While hundreds of families continue to seek answers as to the whereabouts of loved-ones’ remains in the wake of one of the more ghoulish criminal conspiracies in recent memory, conservative radio host and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh yesterday told investigators that he fears the scope of the conspiracy is even more sinister and runs much deeper.
“I fear that this may be just the tip of the iceberg,” Limbaugh is reported to have told LAPD detectives who questioned him as a ‘person of interest’ in their investigation of Michael Jackson’s prescription drug supply chain, “I believe that this may be part of a broader plot, if you’ll pardon the expression, by liberals and Democrats to manipulate elections for many years to come.”
According to LAPD Detective Bridget Duncan, who was present during the interrogation and spoke on condition of anonymity as departmental policy prohibits discussion of pending investigations, Limbaugh suggested that the historic Burr Oak Cemetery was specifically targeted for population increase “legal or otherwise, because of it’s demographics and significance in the community”.
Burr Oak, Chicago’s first African-American cemetery and home to the remains of civil rights movement icon Emmett Till as well as blues greats Willie Dixon and Dinah Washington was, according to Limbaugh, “selected by a liberal cabal who will go so far as to wake the dead to impose their fascist brand of socialism on the United States”. The porcine pill-popper, whose model for achieving success by appealing to 20-25% of the population has been emulated by the Republican party, went on to point out that, on average, only eight percent of voters residing in Burr Oak vote Republican, while the remaining 92% vote for “any Democrat on the ballot, dead or alive” with the only exception being the Presidential election of 2000, where 14% voted for Independent conservative Pat Buchanan. He theorizes, according to the report, that, “nefarious individuals seek to establish and maintain control of key electoral precincts by manipulating the population of their deceased inhabitants.”
Indeed, the relocating of human remains and/or the burying of more than one person per cemetery plot, known colloquially in Chicago-area interment circles as ‘re-districting’, is illegal in Illinois without prior authority having been granted by family members, the local zoning board, or the Board of Elections. But local authorities are quick to point out that, so far, the evidence in this case points solely to the four cemetery employees who sought only financial gain and, if convicted, an anxious public will be eager to see moved from their current cells in ‘protective custody’ to the more accessible prison ‘general population’.
As for Limbaugh’s allegations, “They appear to be the ramblings of an insufficiently tormented soul suffering from both ideological and chemical withdrawal” according to Pueblo State University Professor of Criminal Psychology Newton Toomey. “I’m confident that as soon as Mr. Limbaugh gets his hands on a glass of water and swallows a couple of his ‘little friends’, this will all pass.”
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