Straight DU men, please chime in

[Neecy]

I asked straight women here if they'd ever been on the receiving end of an anti-gay slur, threat of violence or actual violence because someone perceived them to be gay.

It didn't occur for me to ask our heterosexual DU men, because I assumed this would affect women far more often when they turn down pickup lines from lowlife knuckle-draggers. But a couple of men have contributed to that thread and now I'm curious if this is as common with you guys - so far about 40% of the woman have said yes, although only a few have been threatened with violence.

This isn't dumb kids picking on you in school - this is as an adult, perhaps when you were hanging out with a friend or a group of friends.

[Kaleva]

1. No

[Arkana]

2. Worst I ever got was "faggot" in elementary school and a couple times

in middle school.

Kids then are too stupid to know what it means anyway. I was sorry to disappoint them--I'm plain vanilla straight.

[shadowknows69]

46. I'm amazed I wasn't more in high school lol

I was in theater/chorus, I was one of the first guys in my school system to get my ear pierced (twice) and it was the 80's so I was one of a few who wore quasi-glam rock/80's make up on our eyes and face (to school) and bizarre clothes. Believe me when I say these things just weren't "normal" in my school which I don't think even had its second African American until the 1990's, and I was friends with the only one so I was probably labeled a "n****r lover" too. I never gave a shit.

[Name removed]

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[bemildred]

4. No, I've been hit on, but no slurs. nt

[BlooInBloo]

36. Same. Always nice to know someone thinks you're attractive, even if you aren't interested.

[bemildred]

49. I generally take it as a compliment.

Like when women hit on you. Unless someone gets pushy, there is no reason to get annoyed.

[Rebubula]

53. My feelings exactly...

...at my age, any attention is welcomed.

I am reminded of an interview with Micheal C. Hall (of Six Feet Under and Dexter fame) when he was asked how the gay community reacted to his portrayal of David (a gay character) on Six Feet Under. He replied (and I paraphrase), 'many times gay men will come up and thank me for my portrayal of a gay man on a TV show. And then we will make out, but not for long because I am not gay'.

I will never understand how someone can get freaked out when someone is attracted to them and they are not their 'type'.

[Bluenorthwest]

5. Ah when it happens, it really happens

Last year in NYC two brothers were attacked and one killed because they had an arm around each other's neck or something.

[Speck Tater]

6. Quite the opposite.

As a straight male I once had a gay male hit on me (in a very polite manner). I told him I was flattered, but that I didn't swing that way. Because of other interests we shared, we ended up (platonic) friends anyway.

[Colobo]

16. I had an experience like yours as well, but it didn't end well.

Around last year I met this gay Puerto Rican on campus (I work at an university) fellow through a Cuban friend of mine (I'm Puerto Rican), and I was friendly to him and said "Hi" to him everytime I crossed paths with him. I didn't realize at this point he had some interest in me. The problem began one day we crossed paths on my way to the bathroom. I sit down to "make #2", and the dude comes after me and sits in the toilet next to mine (I noticed he didn't lower his pants or anything). He asked me: "Are you there?" I said yes. His reply: "You know... people here call me the King of the Bathrooms... because I'll the things I like to do in them". I didn't know what to say, and just told him: "Really? That's interesting", but it made me extremely uncomfortable to be in that position. He remained silent and perhaps sensing I wasn't going to get out of the toilet before he did, he got out and left.

I still said "hi" to him when I saw him, but it became clear he didn't get that I was not gay or into him, and at one time he stopped me and asked me about good hotels in Puerto Rico, because he only had his grandma there, and he didn't want to go to his grandma's house. As I was telling him about the hotels I know, he said "I've been told about a couple of hotels that are friendly to the scene" ("the scene" or "el ambiente" is how many gay PRs in the Island describe their community). I told him I didn't know about that, but that I wished him good luck on his trip and left. It's like he felt he could score with me, even though he had met my GF and I had never responded to any to his insinuations positively.

Eventually, to make the story short, my GF learned about what was going on, and given that we had the bad luck of crossing paths with him at the mall, Wal-Mart and other places, one day she was quite rude to him when he came by to say "Hi" and pretty much grabbed me by the hand and pretty much left him standing there. I do suspect my GF was aggravated by this guy particularily because it was a gay man trying to hit on her BF.

I haven't heard from him since and I hope he is doing well- no hard feelings. He became irritating, but I guess he simply liked me a lot and didn't respect any boundaries, just like a bunch of people, both gay and straight.

[Colobo]

7. I don't know if this counts, but...

About 3 years ago, I met this girl (well, a woman- she was 29) from Hungary who seemed to be extremely interested in me. I was very friendly to her but didn't like her at all and tried to maintain a cordial relationship with her. In one ocassion, she basically confronted me and told me that she didn't understand why I wasn't into her, and went ahead to say that perhaps I was a fag (she was not joking, and that was her word of choice) and was afraid to tell her, that she was suspecting that was the case with me. She went on to say that she "didn't like that kind of people".

Needless to say, my instincts were right- I'm glad I never even touched her.

[Fozzledick]

8. I once knew an orchestra conductor who went out of his way to address me as "faggot"

because he didn't like my bassoon playing... :hide:

[Forkboy]

9. My friend and I were just joking about how some people think he and I are gay.

We live in the same building, we both have cats, are both single in our 40's, are both neat, etc. All the stereotypes. There's one lady at a pizza place who came right out and asked one night. She seemed bummed that we weren't. :)

A couple decades ago a friend and I pretended to be gay at what was basically a redneck cookout. We held hands all night and hugged here and there. As the party was winding down two guys came up to us, all drunk and full of bluster, and one of them called us fags. He didn't say much for the next few weeks as he had few teeth left. They were exactly what my friend and I were hoping to draw out. A gay man we both knew had just gotten beat up the week before and we were on a mission.

So, I'm not sure if that counts, as technically it was my friend and I looking for the violence to start with. If they perceived us as gay it's because that's what we wanted them to think. On the other hand, no one forced the guy to call us fags over it either, so I don't know. :shrug:

[Rob H.]

10. No

I'm kind of a loner, though.

[Ohio Joe]

11. Yes

However, I do not abide such slurs around me and have had them turned towards me because I have no issue confronting people that use them. I find that most of the time they are cowards without the balls to back up their attitude when confronted directly. The few that have tried discovered that while I may be short... I do not fight fair.

[MrSlayer]

12. Sure, because I have long hair.

When you're outnumbered you take it, when you're not you shut them up. Ignorant people have the mistaken impression that all longhairs are peace loving hippys right up until my Doc Martens hit them right between the eyes. Of course, those days are long behind me. I haven't been bothered by anyone for the hair in 15 years, it seems to be a lot more accepted than it used to be.

[safeinOhio]

13. My ex accused me of everything

she could think of. Gay, young girls, old women and animals. She was armed and dangerous so I guess that may count.

[FreakinDJ]

14. Sure - I turned a girl down and she accused me of being Gay

Had I been more sophisticated I would have given her one of the proper answers

1. "I already had the milk - why do I need the whole cow
2. Have you ever heard the term "Hit it and quit it"

or my personal favorite

3. "Make me a sandwitch on your way out the door"

[lumberjack_jeff]

15. A girl I was set up on a date with, later told her friends that I was gay.

That wasn't the problem. She was ugly. :popcorn:

[tomreedtoon]

17. Yes, of course.

It's a basic fact of existence; the human race is cruel. People who don't come out and say I'm gay (in the worst possible sense, the degenerate homosexual looking through men's room peepholes) imply it.

[Name removed]

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[Dogmudgeon]

19. I was severely beaten by a gay-basher

I'm straight.

This was right outside of a small punk rock club outside of Philly, in 1984. I was 26 at the time; the criminal was probably 30-35. He was a drunk thug who had got it into his head that I was gay and trying to pick him up. He hid behind a car with a buddy of his, and waited more than an hour until I was leaving to jump on me.

Yes, it messes with one's head. It also contributed to the physical head damage that eventually nearly killed me a second time a few years ago.

I sued the bar -- they served him, and wouldn't let anyone call the police. I got a big, fat $750 settlement. (There's some asshole here at DU who has been pissing and moaning about "lawsuit abuse", that no one should get big awards for punitive damages. THIS should make him happy.)

The lesson? Never assume that having the "correct" gender identity will protect you from a hate crime. It won't.

--d!

[Neecy]

21. Oh, how horrible

So this bastard got away?

I've seen the lawsuit abuse posts around here lately, and they make me sick.

[smalll]

20. Here's my response from the other thread, and thanks for starting this one.

"I'm a man, and this happens a LOT to men as well --

Of course it happens a lot amongst kids -- high schoolers, etc -- the low-status male is often called "gay" by his peers. But it happens later in life as well. It happened to me again just recently. There is a woman who is a regular at my local bar whom I have vaguely known for a year and a half or so, but about a month and a half ago, she and I really started clicking -- to the extent that people started assuming we had become a couple. (Unfortunately for me, her interest is definitely cooling off right now, so we never really will become one.)

An old boyfriend of hers straight up asked me in conversation with other people "Are you a homosexual?" very accusingly. I brushed it off, what I could have said though, if I had wanted to really make trouble, was "Clearly not, and that's worrying you, isn't it?"

Accusing guys of being gay is something that a lot of guys do in an attempt to shut down competition."


Another point I'd like to make as well: it seems it happens a lot to women - way too much -- because of sexist, anti-woman tacics of subjugation. We men of course don't face that problem, so it happens to us less often. The problem we men DO face, however, at least nowadays, is that the false gay label, while damaging to women, is a virtual nuclear option when used on men. Today's vogue for bisexuality amongst women, (the idea that it's all "cool" and whatnot and men think it's "hot") means that a woman accused of or being suspected of lesbianism will remain eminently dateable. With men, any hint of same-sex interest at all makes him persona-non-grata amongst single women. It's a dealbreaker. I gather this is changing somewhat amongst the young folks these days, particularly amongst the emos/scenesters/etc.crowd, which is a good sign.

[slampoet]

22. I got gay bashed Constantly in school. 20 fellow students beat me and cut off my hair...

...just before graduation and my hair was displayed in the LOCKED trophy case at school the next day which proves that a teacher, coach, or the principal was in on it.


I don't know where the hell you grew up but for me and hundreds of people i have known, gay bashing seemed to be an extremely common thing for hetero males. To this day i have done all that i can to cost the town i grew up in jobs and government contracts. I have offered a bed to anyone trying to escape that town and i keep a running estimate of how much money i have cost the people of that town. The total is in the high 6 figures and the town has lost 20% of its population since i left.



BTW - My sister who actually IS gay received none of this treatment, ever.

[Gman]

23. Any boy who is past 8th grade and still calling other guys "faggot"

has some developmental issues and is immature for their age.

As a side note, I heard a whole lot more of calling other guys (8th through 12th grade) "faggot" at the all boy high school I went to for 2 years than I ever heard at the public school I did my last 2 years at. Everyone at the all boy school was fighting to be the alpha male.

[MadBadger]

24. Hard to tell because growing up and into today, people use faggot like regular speech

People call other people fags, faggots for a variety of things that dont always have to do with perceving them to be gay. Its yelled at sporting events to opposing players when they do something the person hurling the insult doesnt like. It's used much in the same way that gay is a synonym for stupid with many youths in America. So I guess its hard to tell the intent of hurling the slur, but I've been called a faggot before and know many people who have been.

[Alcibiades]

25. I think men probably deal with this more than women

There's more of a stigma for men. If you're looking to get into a fight, "faggot" is a good thing to call another man, no matter if he's gay or straight.

Male gender roles are far more rigid, and the sanctions for violating them are greater, I think.

[Colobo]

27. "Male gender roles are far more rigid, and the sanctions for violating them are greater, I think."

I agree 100%. There is a social burden behind "masculinity" that many do not realize... the masculinity of an individual is always in question by other men and many women. Every hand gesture, your posture, your speech paterns, your ideas, your habits, likes and dislikes, among many other things are under the scope of society to detect if you are something other than an "alpha male", and for "feminine" men (as a female literature professor once called me, as a compliment) like me, it's kind of difficult.

[sam sarrha]

26. no one is safe from them for any reason.. they have kicked my ass several times just for fun

[Hydra]

28. It used to be assumed that I was gay because I wasn't dating(couldn't afford to)

And because I was nice to people. Their interest in this subject was NOT benevolent. Beyond the slurs, I suspect I missed out on career advancement because of it. That's even beyond the stupid stuff in school because I was a pacifist.

[petronius]

29. Not that I can recall... (nt)

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

30. No....maybe I don't ever fall in with rough crowds.....

Although one of the best compliments I ever got was from a very close friend of mine who was flaming gay who called me "the perfect straight male" because I was comfortable enough in my own sexuality to hug him as well as put on a gay voice and do my imitation of a queen from time to time without care of who was listening.

[dysfunctional press]

31. yes...but- i used to be a wait-captain, and i was also a travel agent...

no actual or even threatened violence, tho.

[Odin2005]

32. Yes, because I was the "shy, sensitive boy" when I was a kid, so I got called "fag" a lot.

I was viciously bullied and was beat up on occasion and threatened with ass-rape. Since because I wasn't macho I obviously had to be gay. Assholes. :eyes:

[smalll]

33. The more I think about this, the more I realize what a problem this all is.

Being accused of being gay is, the way things are in society, a nuclear attack on a straight man. It has many downsides, but the worst them is the way it attempts to shut down his chances with women. This problem actually re-enforces anti-gay sentiment, as it's a natural reaction for accused straights to resent gay men, if only inadvertently, because gay men's greater presence in today's society helps to keep the accusations going. Of course, if gay people were PROPERLY treated by society at large, if anti-gay bigotry and prejudice were ever finally eradicated, the accusations would have to lose almost all of their power.

But even that may not be enough. After all, social acceptance of gay people has definitely increased over the past few decades, from the 60s onward, but the use of accusations-of-gayness against non-gay men, I suspect, has NOT decreased at all. I think this is because the vast majority of Americans have at least begun to accept gay people and their right to live their lives as they see fit, but also assume that for men, there are only two things you can be: "straight" or "gay", that any kind of sexual interest in the same sex at any point in time "means" that person is "really" gay, and are just hiding/"in the closet." The fact that sexuality is a spectrum is ignored, and the possibility of male bisexuality at any level is denied -- which of course completely flies in the face of history and experience -- think of navies, prisons, English "Public Schools". Instead, people look at men as two entirely different species -- the gays and the straights -- and then pile on top of that stereotype after stereotype of what makes for straightness and for gayness ("gaydar" really is a pretty reactionary assumption) and then make accusations of gayness against men they don't feel measure up to their personal masculinity checklists.


At least in relatively "blue" areas of the country, at this point, 40 plus years after Stonewall, it seems logical to conclude that most actual gay men are not living "in the closet." But even here in "blue" areas of the country, straight men AND straight women contine to cling to the increasingly imaginary specter of armies of lurking closet gays who, they feel, somehow need to be exposed.

Clue to the clueless: if a man is pursuing a woman, it is generally safe to assume that man is not "gay." Unless he has to maintain some kind of Hollywood megastar status, or the woman is insanely rich, the man is not gay.

[ProgressiveProfessor]

34. I got called a fag by a PETA boy I was preventing from harrasing an older lady in a fur coat

It got worse when I told him I was his new top :sarcasm:



Seriously, it is the most common taunt out there its happened to just about all of us. My responses are situational and I try to embarrass the idiot in front of his pack. Occasionally they get really upset which makes it all the more amusing

[TroglodyteScholar]

35. I've been called "queer" by an Alabama highway patrolman

Not bad for a flaming hetero :D

[anigbrowl]

37. Oh yeah, frequently. I get hit on a lot too, though almost never offensively.

I just have that androgynous thing going on, plus I'm European.

[Cessna Invesco Palin]

38. I used to get that occasionally when I had my long hippie hair.

On the other hand, I'd rate the intelligence of the people doing it at less than that of your average fifteen year old.

[proteus_lives]

39. Kids stuff mostly.

boys challenge each other and one of the most common challenges to each others orientation. We did it in jr/high school. Most of us grow out of it. Among groups of friends it's not a challenge, more like friendly pushing/fighting. It probably comes from the cultural assumption that a homosexual is not a real "man."

I've heard it in bars/parties mostly in that pre-fighting pushing/chest-thumping ritual. That ritual is where most fights end. It combines verbal taunts with a low level of actual violence. In real fights, there is very little talking.

I have been called a fag in the ritual stage before. (I don't use it, I prefer to allude to sexual encounters with the other man's female relatives)

[elocs]

40. No. Simply, no. n/t

[H2O Man]

41. Interesting OP/thread.

I had read the first one, and am glad that you posted this, as well.

I've had long hair since the days when people would, quite literally, say, "I can't tell if he's a boy or a girl." As other men with long hair may have experienced, that sometimes led to, "I'd like to cut your hair," a statement that never had anything to be mistaken for tender intentions. And the topper is, of course, the vile comments regarding sexuality, which I have always taken to reflect the greatest potential for violence.

Personally, I've never cared if a person couldn't tell if I'm male or female because of the length of my hair. Nor do I care if a man has a fantasy about cutting my hair. And as I do not consider being gay to be in any sense "bad" or "shameful," I'm not in the least concerned if an individual mistakes me for a reflection of his own insecurities.

I do, however, not enjoy being either threatened, or assaulted. Because I was among the top amateur boxers in my state in my youth, there were very few people in and around my hometown who confronted me. As I grew older and traveled more, the experiences mentioned in the OP became more frequent. A stranger in a strange land, I suppose.

The ability to read situations is a distinct advantage. For example, I learned that such confrontations were more likely to escalate into violence after the sun had set. And that bars are more likely to be the setting of a serious dispute than say McDonalds or a shoe store. The inability to read situations is a distinct disadvantage, and thus I can say that on the half-dozen times I found myself in a fight under the conditions outlined in the OP, the person or persons who initiated it soon came to regret their errors.

[ProfessorGAC]

42. Yes, But. . . .

. . .it happened mostly when i was in stage clothes. I was in a band in the early to mid-80's where i was pretty glam.

I used to get it from guys at the club where my band would be playing. They didn't like the material, so i must have to be a fag.

I did pulverize one guy over it. He grossly underestimated the "fag".
GAC

[ThomWV]

43. If you've ever been locked up you learn pretty quickly this is nothing to play with

In jail everyone's just a piece of meat.

[timtom]

44. At a uniquely unsupervised event for us recruits

at Parris Island (a one-time "field meet"), a fellow recruit said I talked like a queer (he was disparaging my normal high-level usage).

Within a trice, I had thrown my arm around his neck and flung him further to the ground (we were sitting on the ground at the time). I then stood up, prepared for fisticuffs. He lay there on the ground, holding his bloody nose.

My anger had nothing to do with the intended slur.

He had dissed my use of language.


While in Berkeley, a young woman said to me, "You're gay, right?" I said simply, "No."

I had been hit on a number of times when I was younger. My response was always to the effect, "I don't swing that way."

One's sexuality has never been an issue with me.

[shadowknows69]

45. BONGGGGG!!!!!!

Now what was the question again?

[aikoaiko]

47. Yep, walking into the "Gay Dennys" in Phoenix with a guy friend would elicit some name calling from

...guys in pickup trucks.


After working two years at my new job, it got back to me that people thought I was gay because I was single, dressed well, and wore suspenders.

[Blue_Tires]

48. hasn't happened to me...

[Mrs. Overall]

50. This happened to my husband. He grew up in San Francisco and went to a college outside of Portland,

OR, which happened to be filled with quite a few rural, Christian students.

When other male students found out that he had grown up in San Francisco, they immediately de-friended him and then commenced the name calling. He couldn't believe it. So, he made friends with the international students who were also bullied for being minorities. Fed up with that sort of shit, he left after his first year and finished school back in the San Francisco area.

[slackmaster]

51. I've been treated much worse by a few straight women than by any LGBT person, ever

I look sufficiently physically intimidating that few men try to fuck with me.

[Deep13]

52. When I was a child, constantly.

Socially awkward & unathletic = gay. And gay = worthy of violence.

And yeah, I've heard slurs as an adult.

[burning rain]

54. No. Never been taken for gay in a hostile way.

Have been bought some drinks and been hit on. Probably a bit more than most guys, but that's OK -- after all it's a compliment when someone finds you attractive and wants to get you out of your clothes. Well, unless it's to the point of a drunkywunk who doesn't want to take No for an answer. Used to wonder why I attracted a bit more gay interest than most guys and was told it was the combination of tall slim white dude and boyish face. I'll converse with almost anyone in a friendly way, and God knows friendliness can be misinterpreted as possible interest in doing the hucklebuck.

[PVnRT]

55. I've seen plenty of it

It's not as in-your-face as it is during school days, but it's there - the looks you get when you do or say something that doesn't quite jive with what "real men" should do or say. I find code words tend to get thrown around a lot, especially "metrosexual."

[michreject]

56. No

I have long hair, a beard and wear black. Including a black leather vest with a Harley patch (HOG) on the rear. I usually don't get any kind of comments from anyone.

[Throd]

57. I borrowed a gay friend's truck which has a few rainbow stickers on it

Several people flipped me off and some teenage girls rolled down their windows to call me a faggot. It was a very eye opening experience for me.