Weakling President Asks Imaginary Man In Sky To Bless Nation

[arcadian]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/weakling_president_asks?utm_source=a-section

WASHINGTON—In a display of weakness unbecoming a head of state, President Barack Obama concluded remarks to his nation Tuesday by asking a pretend man who lives in the clouds to watch over and guide the United States.

"Thank you, and may God bless America," said the clearly insecure president, who, by seeking the aid of an imaginary being who is neither his ancestor nor someone with whom he shares a tangible harmonious relationship, freely admitted that he has little faith in himself and his inept team of jester advisers.

Even more incomprehensible, sources said, is that hundreds of millions of Americans openly worship the all-knowing invisible man—who apparently observes the world's events from atop his perch in outer space—without fear of mockery, shame, or violent government reprisal.

According to sources, citizens of the U.S. depend on the fanciful grandfather of magic to take care of everything for them, from aiding their tiny overseas army, to curing their illnesses, to helping their sports teams achieve victory, to providing little Jimmy McDonalds with his silly toys.

Mindless spirituality reportedly inhibits progress and remains a bulwark against government rule. 鱼

[Xipe Totec]

1. Glad I saw the link to the Onion, before I clicked the alert button...

That was close...

:hi:

[arcadian]

2. The Onion was bought out by a Chinese industrial concern.

[Mojambo]

3. Oh man. That.Is.AWESOME. n/t

[timeforpeace]

4. I for one welcome our pretend man who lives in the clouds overlord.

[Old Codger]

5. I don't

Have a lot of trust in adults who have imaginary friends..

[izquierdista]

6. Oh, screw you atheists

I've had it up to here with your denials. You don't know, and you have no way of knowing. I have quit listening to you and become a pantheist -- I'm never going to badmouth another deity, and if you were wise, you would do likewise. With all the ones out there, one of them has to have some bona fides. Carl Sagan used to talk about how with all those billions and billions of stars, there were also billions and billions of planets that could support life, so we likely aren't alone in the universe. Similarly, with all the hundreds of thousands of deities that have attracted worship throughout history, so we likely aren't alone there either. Let me point out the advantages of pantheism:
* Every day on the calendar is a religious holiday to some group, so you can be excused from working if you celebrate them all.
* It's like being the house when you take Pascal's wager -- and the house always wins.
* If there's faith based money floating around, they can't exclude you from a share of it.
* If you don't want to eat something, there's probably a religious prohibition against it.
* If you do want a second helping of something, it's probably the food of the Gods in another religion.

I invite you all to attend Mass on Sunday and say some prayers to Aristaeus with me. That way, you don't have to have those plain boring Catholic crackers with your wine, but you can top them with some nice cheese, gift of the Lord Aristaeus.

[Mojambo]

7. LOL

It's the ONION, dude.

[Holly_Hobby]

8. You don't know either, so get off my cloud n/t

[RagAss]

10. Bravo !

[DavidDvorkin]

9. The neverending wonderfulness of The Onion

Why, it never ends!

[kenny blankenship]

11. How many times, I'd like to know, how many times does God have to bless this fuckstick country

Before it finally kicks in?