Let's End The Socialist Oxygen Handout

[Naturyl]

My fellow Americans,

In these times of economic uncertainty, ordinary Americans everywhere are feeling the effects of liberal policies which have undermined the free-market foundations of this great nation and fostered a growing sense of entitlement. The traditional American values of hard work, personal responsibility, and individual ownership have fallen by the wayside.

Now, a new threat to American families has emerged. I am speaking of the outdated liberal policy of oxygen welfare handouts. Even as we dig in and tighten our belts in response to the economic crisis, our children are being taught that breathing the air is a "human right" which they are entitled to without work or effort. My friends, I think it's time we did something about this.

The idea that the atmosphere "belongs to everyone" is exactly the kind of entitlement-based thinking we must oppose in order to restore America's traditional values. When bottled water was introduced, many left-wing idealists protested that water should never be a commodity to be bought and sold. But now, we have a thriving bottled water industry which creates jobs and contributes to American prosperity.

My proposal, the Atmospheric Independence Resolution (AIR), would end the atmospheric welfare system as we know it by restoring air to its rightful place in the free market. Each citizen would purchase a specially designed breathing mask from a manufacturer of his or her choice which would meter oxygen consumption and charge the consumer an appropriate fee. Hard-working Americans don't want a handout or a free lunch. My AIR proposal will restore the pride and dignity of personal responsibility to every American family.

There is no place in our cherished democracy for the failed socialist ideas of Karl Marx and the anti-American left-wing movement. Our ability to instill responsible, self-sufficient values depends on our willingness to combat the poisonous ideology of collectivism wherever it is found. We must act now to put an end to atmospheric socialism, before we become a nation of freeloading oxygen queens.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

[ColbertWatcher]

1. *sniff* (How much do I owe?) It's so beautiful! n/t

[Mythsaje]

2. Oh, this definitely gets a K and R from me...n/t

[NYMountaineer]

3. QUICK!

Get an account at Free Republic and post this there. Let's see if they'll bite!

[leftstreet]

4. Oh snap!

:applause:

K&R

[elleng]

5. And WATER!

[Ken Burch]

6. Y'know, oxygen privatization will probably end up in the next GOP platform

You know SHE'd go for it:

[Naturyl]

8. Actually, although this is satire, reality is stranger than fiction.

Back before the election, libertarian hero Ron Paul was actually talking about wanting to privatize the air. Paul thought this would help solve environmental problems, because it would encourage companies to take care of their own atmospheric property and allow other air-owners to take action against neighboring polluters.

Seriously, who could make this up?

[Ken Burch]

7. self-delete

dupe

[Vidar]

9. Brilliant & biting. K&R.

[unblock]

10. don't give them any ideas!

nevermind, i'm sure they've already got engineers working on it....

[Warren Stupidity]

11. You may think this is parody but water was privatized in 3rd world countries

At one point Bolivia was forced by the IMF/WB to pass a law making it illegal to collect rainwater.

http://www.democracynow.org/2006/10/5/bolivian_activist_oscar_olivera_on_bechtels

[Bandit]

12. A lot of smokers already pay for bottled oxygen

I see people all the time walking around with their oxygen bottle in tow. Many take off their mask for a smoke every so often..Those bottles are not free by the way.

[Naturyl]

13. Kick for tonight's crowd