It is my honor to speak to all Alaskans – our Alaskan family – this final time as your governor, and it is always great to be in Fairbanks!
(Well, if you hadn’t abandoned your office you could have the honor a couple more times… but I guess you had better things to do than FULFILL YOUR OATH.)
These rugged and hearty folk – some of the most patriotic people you’ll ever meet – live here. If there is one thing you are known for it your steadfast support for our military community up here. Thank you for that and a thank you to the U.S. military for protecting the greatest nation on earth. Together we stand!
(Only the second paragraph in, and already fellating the holy military. Surprised it took her this long.)
Getting here can be described as the best road trip in America! Soaring through nature’s finest show you will see Denali – the Great One – soaring under the midnight sun. Alaska has so many extremes. In the wintertime the frozen road competes with the view of the ice-fogged frigid beauty. The cold, though, doesn’t it split the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs? And in the summertime – when temperatures are 150 degrees hotter than they were just a few months ago and than they will be just a few months from now – you will see the fireweed along the frost heaves. Merciless rivers rush and carve and remind us that Mother Nature wins. The big, wild and good life teeming along that road leads north to the future. That is what we see here. What we, and the rest of America, see in the Last Frontier is hope, opportunity and country pride, and it is our men and women in uniform that secure it.
(What is this, letters from camp? This chick’s writing style is straight from elementary school. And another slurp on the military, shoehorned in at the end there. Can’t forget that!)
We face challenging times with some hell-bent on tearing down our nation by perpetuating pessimism and apologizing for America. They suggest that our best days were yesterdays. But how can this pessimism exist? Proof of our greatness and pride is all around us today. We produce proud and great volunteers who sacrifice everything for their country. This week alone, at the chapel at Fort Rich, I heard the last roll call and the sounding of Taps for three very brave, very young Alaskan soldiers who gave their all for all of us.
(Everything is JUST FINE, really! Why do you people INSIST on being such downers?)
Together we stand with gratitude for the troops (slurp, slurp) who protect all our cherished freedoms. This includes our First Amendment guaranteed freedom of speech – which, par for the course – I shall exercise. First, with some “straight talk,” I will address some, just some, in the media because another right that is protected is the freedom of the press. You have such important jobs reporting facts and informing the electorate and exerting power to influence. You represent what could and should be a respected and honest profession that could and should be a cornerstone of our democracy. Democracy depends on you. That is why our troops are willing to die for you. (slurp, slurp) So, how about in honor of the American soldier you quit making things up. And don’t underestimating the wisdom of the American people.
(Our military is honorable and wonderful, so quit being so MEAN TO ME!!!)
And, another thing, media: Our new governor has a very nice family, so leave his kids alone!
(If he doesn’t politicize them and trot them out for campaign appearances, as you did, then they won’t be fair game.)
As we swear in Sean Parnell, no one will be happier than I to witness, by God’s grace Alaskans with strength of character advancing our beloved state. Sean is that. Craig Campbell has that.
I remember that December day when we took the oath to uphold our state constitution.
(The one you’re running out on early?)
And it was written right here in Fairbanks by very wise pioneers. We shared the same vision for government that they ground into that document. At the time, the founders wrote:
“All political power is inherent in the people. All government originates with the people. It is founded upon their will only, and it is instituted for the good of the people as a whole.”
Their remarkably succinct words guided us in all of our efforts in serving you and putting you first. We have done our best to fulfill promises that I made on Alaska Day 2005 when I first asked for the honor of serving you.
(An honor, it bears repeating, that you are abandoning to pursue your higher political objectives. Somehow I think you’re not as “honored” as you pretend.)
Remember then, our state so desired and so deserved ethics reform. We promised it, and now it is the law. Ironically, it needs additional reform to stop blatant abuse from partisan operatives. And I hope lawmakers will continue that reform.
(Just a note, the word “and” is a conjunction. It really shouldn’t be starting any sentences… but please, do carry on.)
She carries on. (SNIP)
To Alaska, there is much good in store further down the road, but to reach it we must value and live the optimistic and pioneering spirit that made this state proud and free!
We can resist enslavement to big central government that crushes hope and opportunity. We must be wary of government largesse. It doesn’t come free and often accepting it takes away everything that is free. Melting into Washington’s powerful and caretaking arms will only lead to suck away the incentive to work hard and chart our own course. This will only contribute to an unstable economy and dizzying national debt, and it will make us less free.
(So wait, government hand outs are bad, but you brag about sending Alaskans money in the form of an energy rebate? I think she needs to resolve some conflicts of rhetoric here…)
I resisted the stimulus package, and we championed earmark reform, by slashing earmark requests by 85%, in order to break the cycle of dependency on a stifling and unsustainable federal agenda. Other states should follow this example for their, and America's, stability.
(Because nothing’s more stable than a huge economic meltdown, brought to you courtesy of eight years of conservative thought in the white house, even more in the congress.)
We don’t have to feel that we must beg an allowance from Washington – except to beg the allowance to be self-determined.
(Oh snap. But you’re still begging… not exactly the act of someone in the process of self-determination. Oh! Does this mean you’re returning to the Alaskan Independence Party?)
See, in order to be self-sufficient Alaska must be allowed to develop, to drill and build and climb to fulfill our statehood’s promise! At statehood we knew that we were responsible for ourselves, our families and our future, and 50 years later we can not start believing that government is the answer. It can’t make you happy or healthy or wealthy or wise. What can? It is the wisdom of the people and our families and our small businesses and industrious individuals.
And it is God’s grace helping those who help themselves. And then this allows that very generous voluntary hand up that we are known to enthusiastically provide those who need it.
(But… you said hand-outs were bad… oh wait, hand-UP. That’s totally cool.)
Do you remember that years ago we sported the old bumper sticker that read, “Alaska: We Don’t Give a Darn How They Do It Outside.” I remember that. It was because we would be different, and we would roll up our sleeves and diligently sow and reap. We can still do this. We can carve wealth out of the wilderness and make our living on the water – with strong hands and innovative minds, now with smarter technology. It is what our First People and our parents did, and it worked because they worked!
(Ok, definitely banging the secessionist drum again, or at least heavily borrowing the rhetoric.)
We must be prudent and persistent and press for the people’s right to responsibly develop God-given resources for the maximum benefit of the people.
We have come so far in just 50 years. We are no longer a frontier outpost on the periphery of the world’s greatest nation. Now, as a contributor and a securer of America, we can attain our destiny in the promise of our motto: North to the Future!
The pressing issue of our time is energy independence, because there is an inherent link between energy and security, and energy and prosperity. Alaska will lead with energy. We will prove that you can be both pro-development and pro- environment. After all, no one loves their land, clean air, water and wildlife more than an Alaskan! We will protect it!
(Blah blah frikkin’ blah, lady. If you’re so gung-ho for Alaska, then why are you quitting as governor?)
Americans must look north to the future. For security, for energy independence, for our strategic position on the globe – Alaska is the gatekeeper of the continent.
We are here today at a “changing of the guard.” Now, knowing how much I love this state – some still choose not to hear why I made the decision to chart a new course to advance the state. It should be obvious. It is because I love Alaska this much that I feel it is my duty to avoid the unproductive, typical “politics-as-usual” lame duck session in one’s last year in office. How does that benefit you? With this decision I will be able to fight even harder for you – for what is right and for the truth. And I have never felt that you need a title to do that. So, as we all move forward together, let us vow to keep championing Alaska and to advocate for responsible development and smaller government and freedom.
(Note to idiot: You weren’t a lame duck. You were capable of running for re-election, and as incomprehensible as this is to me, you actually stood a shot at winning.)
When I took the oath to serve you, I promised to steadfastly and doggedly guard the interests of this great state – like that grizzly guards her cubs, as a mother naturally guards her own. I will keep that vow wherever the road may lead.
(Bullshit.)
Todd and I, Track, Bristol, Tripp, Willow, Piper and Trig – we will forever be grateful for the honor of a lifetime to have served you. Our whole big, diverse, full and fun family thanks you!
(And you wonder why your family members make the news. Hint hint, lady! If you didn’t include them in your political speeches, they wouldn’t be politicized!!)
I am very blessed to have had their support all along, and for Todd’s support.
I am thankful too that I have been blessed to have been raised in this Last Frontier. Thank you for our home, Mom and Dad.
(Did you accomplish ANYTHING on your own, lady?)
In Alaska it is not an easy living, but it is a good living. It is impossible to lose your way here because wherever the road may lead us, we have that steadying Great North Star to guide us home. So let us all enjoy the ride!
(And you just know what the last line has to be. Goddity god-god. Jeebie-jeebie jeebus. I hereby name this dialect “Palinese”.)
God bless you and God bless Alaska!
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