FNord, From an old woman ...

[mntleo2]

I know your agony about your family. For me it wasn't about the military but it is similar family stuff. To tell you the truth leaving them behind is one of the joyous decisions I have made from a road filled with pain I no longer have to tolerate. I am realizing however that I should have made the decision to leave them as far behind as I could, much much earlier. I am in my late 50s. In my family I have never seen a bunch of more sick, sorrowful group of people who think they are not, but who in reality are perpetual victims. If they want to live their lives that way is fine with me, but for years I just wanted to scream, "Please DON'T impose your sick stuff on me!" They are not who I am. They are who they are. I am just me. But God forbid if I were me and not them.

Here is what I have learned so far to my sorrow:

There is no such thing as unconditional love in human beings even in families. We all have our limits. Some people can stand things longer or maybe lifelong, others cannot stand them for a minute. But I can tell you one thing; the expectation that there is any such thing as unconditional love is a pipe dream. I am not criticizing that, I have conditions too and they are quite tolerant. As a believer in God I think the Creator is the only one who can have unconditional love. However I have come to see that being as tolerant as I can is good for me, but it is not something others respect. As a matter of fact there WILL come a time they try to cram their perspectives down your throat and they will hurt you badly if you do not eat them and like it.

So this means in order to be loved you have to live within the boundaries and limits of the person whom you want love from. They have to be able to live within your boundaries as well in order for it to continue. The trick is discovering what "boundaries" you and they have. If they pass yours well maybe you could take that once, twice a million times ~ or maybe you need to change your boundaries. But there may come a time that you cannot change yours and they refuse to change theirs so you have some choices: you can either pretend they are not there (works some of the time but often become the "elephant in the living room" situation), you can insist they are there (can work if the other person respects them, but this can lead to a place where they respect them and don't cross them but secretly resent it. If that happens you can bet that either sooner or later they simply leave). Sometimes you keep changing your boundaries over and over to accommodate them and one day you come to realize you don't know where the boundaries end and you begin.


Forgive the following metaphor but I have family members who cannot stop picking their scabs on their bodies. (EWWW, I know). I am not one of them, thank God. However it was true for me and them as it was for their scabs, they wanted to pick my emotional scabs as well, they would not leave mine alone. I tried, I really tried to just let things be for them and I stood my ground for who I am and what I believe, but oh Lord it would not stop. They had to pick and pick and pick at whatever emotional scabs I had until they became "infected" and finally burst. Out came all this crap that had been festering for years and could not be staunched because it was so severe.

It came to a time for me to realize in order to save what was left of me after they were finished with me, perhaps it was better to cut them out of my life because all they did was hurt me and make more scabs. While they would never admit it, they LIKE those scabs, they like making more scabs, they like the infection, they like the scars. They wallow in them and hey if you like that for YOU, go ahead and do it, that is fine. What always puzzled me is, WHY do you also have to impose your scab loving infections on everyone else too? Now I could give a crap and say to myself, "Have your damn scabs, pretend you hate them when in reality you like them." The only way I could stop their picking at me was to leave permanently, because they couldn't stop and I just don't want them hurting me anymore.

All I am saying to you from the aspect of over 50 years of trying to "fit in" with my family is that you never will. Ever. If you can handle that (I thought I could) well, good. But I am telling you it is a recipe for misery and perpetual guilt that only will hurt you terribly in the end as it eventually hurt me `Accept that they will continue to hurt anyone in their shadow. but no longer will they do that to you.

If you let them go and then go on to your own thing, you will have the freedom of never having to answer to their B.S. again. If you leave them behind, you will never again have to defend it to people who "love" you but refuse to accept you which isn't love at all but some sick fantasy. You will never again pretend those painful differences do not exist. You won't have to tiptoe around a bunch of people who really only pretend to give a rat's ass. Best of all you will never again leave a family function feeling like a piece of crap. You can just be YOU with people who appreciate you and do not look at you in mock pity since they think they are so much more "healthy" than you.

I am not promoting surrounding yourself with a bunch of "yes people" or being afraid of hurt, just protecting yourself from needless hurt that only leads you to disaster and sorrow. I am saying surround yourself with like-minded people as they will respect your boundaries because yours are closest to theirs. BEWARE of anyone family or not who continually pick at you and refuse to accept you for who you are. I am not saying this is easy, this is a hard road because there are few who can do that for you and it is hard to do for them, but expect that from others and give it back to those who appreciate you, and you will find a better place.

If you don't conform to your family the way they are, believe me, even the ones you are closest to that you thought you could trust will eventually hurt you so bad you could be looking down the barrel of a gun and thinking perhaps it is best to pull the trigger and this just is *not* good for you.

Take it from an old lady this is what I have learned.

Cat in Seattle

[ensho]

1. some families can be hazardous to your health and should be

left behind.

been there, done that.

[mntleo2]

2. So true!

...and believe me the sooner you accept that is what has to happen, the better it is.

Cat

[Karenina]

12. Great post, Cat! Hope Boyfriend checks in.

fNord! DUDICALS!!! We be o'ladies in yo FAN CLUB!!! :yourock:

[mntleo2]

13. I am in your fan club too!

:yourock: :kick:

[rubberducky]

3. Sometimes it is best yo just walk away from people who will never accept you.

I, too am a late 50`s grandma and have learned that you can never please some people no matter what you do.Excising those people from your life is best for all concerned. You cannot keep beating yourself in the head trying to be what "they" want you to be.

[Speck Tater]

4. I was in my late 50's when I walked away from the people who kept trying to hammer me down.

I'm 64 now, and never been happier. It was the best decision I ever made.

[mntleo2]

5. Wow thanks!

I am grateful because I am trying to pass on a little wisdom to the younger crowd. You have no idea what this means as I wrote it from my heart. I wish we had a forum for we "oldsters" lol.

Thanks you all!

Cat

[dgibby]

9. We do!

Check out the DU seniors group!:hi:

[mntleo2]

10. Wow thanks I will check it out n/t

[dgibby]

6. From another old woman,

My criteria for keeping people in my life (family or friends):

Do they enrich my life or are they toxic?

Do I look forward to their visits, phone calls,etc., or is it something I dread?

As for family, would I love them or want them my life if we weren't related?

I have found,as I've aged, that I no longer suffer fools gladly. Life it too short now to tolerate toxic people, so I don't. I seek out people who love me for who I am, not who they think I should be.

As "Auntie Maime" said, "Life's a banquet and most poor bastards are starving to death!".

[mntleo2]

7. Great things to keep in mind! n't

[juno jones]

8. Valuble advice.

After my parents and grandmother died, I've pretty much lost contact with my family.

A lot of weird stuff came out at that time, such as the fact that many of them held it aganst me that I had left the home state and their circle and seemed to prefer living on the West Coast (including Seattle!). That sort of thing really shocked me. It was all weird and somehow petty.

I haven't talked to my youngest sister in years simply because I cannot. She is a racist bigot and has some deeper mental issue I really don't ever want to deal with. When both my Mom and Grandma died, they begged me to reconcile with my sister. I cannot honor their wishes. It hurts me to the core, but the mental stress needed to 'just get along' with her is too much and life is too short to torture myself on anyone's account. Sorry mom.

Distance gives us perspective. I love my family. I love the stories they used to tell about each other. But living among them would make me a miserble wretch. I know, I've tried to go back once. Besides, the ones who really cared about me are gone now. There seems to be little point.

Thank you for sharing Cat, and good luck, FNord.

[mntleo2]

11. Yeah you never know what the "secrets" are until ...

...it is too late. They don't talk about them, or if you know about them you get so you just avoid the subject, but then one day, BANG suddenly you are a pariah when you thought they believed you (they didn't) or at the very least accepted you. That is what is what happened to me.

Cat

[fNord]

14. Thank you....All of you.......

I never expected the thread I started to become so huge, add to that this one, its almost overwhelming. But I must say, I feel loved. I knew when I made this decision that it was the right one. I may regret some of the consequences of that decision, but knowing what the result would be,if I could go back in time to that day I wouldn't change a thing.

There seems to be a running theme on both these pages, and that is I must do what my family could not, namely accept the situation for what it is. "the balls in there court" has been said many times, and its true. maybe it will come back, and maybe it wont.

but in the meantime, I'm looking forward, not back.


again, thank all of you.

[Kaleko]

15. You did a wonderful thing by asking for help on DU.

Your courage to open up to total strangers allowed us to pour out our love to you. Many of us have so much to give and so few worthy takers.

[myrna minx]

16. All of my best to you.

:hug:

[mntleo2]

17. You are welcome fNord

...I have been through the pain and have a little hindsight. As maybe a surrogate on line DU "mom" who has been around the block a little and I hoped it would help. I will keep your situation in my prayers. I cannot say the pain will not be there, but I can say the sooner you face it for what it is the sooner you will be able to go on and find "family" who loves you for who you are.

Love,
Cat In Seattle

[juno jones]

18. Good luck to you.

It's hard sometimes. They'll either come around or they won't. When things calm down, you'll gain some perspective and enjoy the peace.