What would you do if you found out a somewhat close friend was a homophobe?

[RidinMyDonkey]

My heart is seriously breaking. I always thought she had strong liberal values. Apparently I was wrong. We were just discussing a rather obnoxious neighbor who is a pain to all who live here. This horrible tenet just happens to have a sixteen year old gay son.

So, what happened was, my friend, who I'll call "Mary" came downstairs to complain that "Carol" had demanded she give her fifteen dollars for her son's birthday cake. (Supposedly, Mary owes her fifteen dollars, even though it was never agreed upon) She said to me in these exact words "That faggot doesn't need a birthday cake."

I didn't know what to say. I don't keep it a secret that I stand up for gay rights, so she must have known I was bound to be offended. I tried explaining kindly, that it wasn't the kids fault that Carol is an obnoxious idiot. But she must have thought that I meant it wasn't his fault that he was gay because she went on a rant about how it is his fault and he chose to be gay. blah blah blah typical things you'd expect to hear from a conservative homophobic jackass.

After that I just shut the fuck up because I was truly at a loss for words... I've spent a year being friends with this woman. We volunteered together for Barack Obama last summer. I can't imagine why she would have said these things to me. I'm not sure I want to carry on our friendship. I'm so upset right now that I'm mildly shaky.

[QC]

1. Lots of liberals are homophobes, though most aren't as "out and proud"

as this person.

I wish I could tell you your experience was shocking, but it really isn't, except for the vehemence of it all.

[Maru Kitteh]

2. I would write her a heartfelt but polite letter explaining your position, inviting her to talk about

it. Perhaps you can help to educate her or find out where these feelings of hers come from.

It could be a teachable moment. On the other hand ......

If she insists on being a bigoted ignoramous, you might just have to do your mourning and walk on.

[G_j]

12. a year's friendship could worth that effort

of a heart felt letter, even though the friendship might end.
some people are worth the time, some aren't.

[HughMoran]

3. My liberal coworker came out with some homophobic shit the other day

I set him straight (um, that doesn't sound right does it?) and he decided to be quiet after I explained the utter stupidity of his position (kicking good soldiers out of the military, etc.).

[vadawg]

4. throughout life your gonna have to deal with people who disagree with you on a lot of stuff

she seems to still count you as a friend even though she knows your views are different from hers, put it sown as one of the things you disagree with each other over, and if theres more stuff in the we agree on column then move on. To many people seem to be getting way over polarized on all issues and cutting off relatives, friends, neighbours etc.

[Arugula Latte]

8. I disagree. Once you lose respect for someone, what's the point?

The friendship and relationship seems hollow after that. There are some principles that are not worth setting aside for the sake of a hollow friendship.

[QC]

10. Would you give the same advice if the woman turned out to be a Nazi or a Klansman? n/t

[vadawg]

16. yup we all have aquantences who are nuts or borderline, who mayby have views that we consider whacko

what im saying is you have to take the person in their entirety not just the one incident (unless its killing kids or something) so what she made a comment the OP found offensive, im sure you have made comments that others would find offensive, i know i have, and ive had friends that say stuff that offends me. The question the OP has to ask is this the entirety of her friend, or is this something she can overlook and get by or work on changing...

[Mystayya]

20. Would you say that if she was spewing racial slurs?

Would you say she should over look it because people disagree all the time?

[vadawg]

24. yup i deal with this everyday, i dont automatically write people off just because they say something

i disagree with or that someone else finds offensive...

[Mystayya]

28. wow.

[treestar]

40. True, keeping the friendship increases the chance of persuading her

otherwise.

[notadmblnd]

5. When my mother used the "N" word in my house after my husband died

I went off without even thinking. I told her, no, I screamed at her, that those words were not used in this house when he was alive (he was a black man) and that they wouldn't be tolerated now that he was dead. I told her that if she had a problem with it, she could use the door.

I think you have to say something to people like that. If you don't, you're condoning it and they think it's ok.

[bigjohn16]

6. I'd talk to her about it and tell her how it made you feel.

It sounds like what she said may have been said out of anger and may not truly reflect her feelings.

[Starry Messenger]

7. I couldn't stay friends with someone who said that.

That doesn't sound like just ignorance there, especially if she knows you are pro-gay rights. She knew she was violating an unspoken boundary in your friendship.

[Libertas1776]

9. I would

probably introduce my foot to their ass. They can take their homophobic shit and stuff it.

[Skittles]

11. oh, I would have SO kicked her ass

I absolutely do not tolerate that garbage

[unpossibles]

13. You should just be honest with her. Be diplomatic as she is a friend, at least at first

Tell her why it's offensive.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

15. You think she doesn't know?

That woman chose her words - and her concepts - very deliberately.

You really think she didn't know that calling a kid a "faggot" wasn't disgusting?

Come on...........................

[unpossibles]

41. I would agree, except that I know that some really hurtful things are very ingrained in our culture

How many of us has called someone a "bitch" without thinking about the basic misogyny therein? I know I've said something is "retarded" without thinking about it because it is a very common insult in our culture, and I try to not say it now. A LOT of people use anti-gay slurs in our culture, sadly.

I'm not making excuses, just that the OP should try to talk to her friend about it - if she refuses to consider that her words are hurtful, then that is the time to tell her that they cannot be friends, at least not on the same level.

But she may also surprise the OP and apologize.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

14. It's over -

trust your reaction, which is properly horrified and angry.

That one came in under your radar, and anyone who could talk that way - worse, it's about a kid, a kid of a friend - isn't worthy of being your friend.

Party's over. You will never be able to trust her again, and there's no use pretending. She's thrown something permanent down between you two, and there's no point in going on.

I'm sorry that happened, but it's better you found out before something really, really, really bad happened - although what that might be, I cannot imagine.............................

[RidinMyDonkey]

19. That is what I'm feeling right now

I just wanna make a clean break. If it had been a stranger, I would have reacted very differently. There'd have been some sort of verbal Smackdown.

But since she was my friend, it was different. But your right, I can never go on pretending like she never said it.

[Barack_America]

26. Yeah. Somethings cannot be unsaid.

When someone reveals themselves to you in that way, there's no going back.

[EndersDame]

17. If she is open to dialog talk and educate; if not cut ties

I have had to do this in my life as well. Believe me you do not want those hateful vibes in your life

[RidinMyDonkey]

22. I don't think she's the type to be open minded

She made several religious comments in her rants. I usually peg the religious as uneducatable.

[EndersDame]

30. Some are though rare, I feel your pain my friend is married to a bigot

She thinks being gay is a choice , evolution is evil as well as all Muslims . I stopped hanging out with them as a couple but will hang with him. I just can't break bread or laugh over cocktails with a bigot and feel good

[debbierlus]

18. My mom was a homophobe and she now hangs out with two lesbians

And, loves our gay best friend.

It took years for her to change. My sister and I would argue with her everytime she made the stupid Adam & Steve remark. She just went on that it wasn't natural.

Well, her lesbian neighbor helped her rescue a cat and she met her girlfriend and it turned out that these were really nice people 'despite' being gay. And, then she met our friend, and why, he was just a sweetheart....and, now she goes out with the lesbian couple every week or so for a bite to eat and she always speaks fondly of our friend.

It took her 65 odd years, but hey, she got there. And, it wasn't from fighting or insulting her. She just needed to be able to meet some gay people to realize that she was wrong all the while.

[RidinMyDonkey]

25. That's a very sweet story

I hope something like this will happen to Mary! I'm pretty sure Carol's kid is the only gay person she's ever met. Perhaps if she met someone her own age that she had things in common with she'd change her mind. Good experiences can make all the difference.

[flvegan]

21. Be thankful you didn't waste 20 years on her.

Carol might be a prat, but she's a fucking bigot. I have zero time and tolerance for hate in my life. She'd get a "see ya" from me.

[cherokeeprogressive]

23. Been there, done that, as I have a newly out teenage daughter. A lifelong friend. Oh well.

I'm sure he misses me more than I miss him.

[RidinMyDonkey]

27. Oh I hope he didn't say anything about her!

When did it become ok to attack kids?!

[cherokeeprogressive]

31. He did. I've known and loved him since the fourth grade, and I'm 48.

My daughter is eleventy brazillion times more important to me than he is, and I told him so in no uncertain terms. Had to cut him loose.

[RidinMyDonkey]

33. Of course she's more important

I'm sure he'll look back one day and realize what a horrible thing that was, and truly regret losing a good friend.

[Iggo]

29. I'd have one less friend.

Life's too short.

[Kerrytravelers]

32. Mr. kt and I ended a friendship because of this exact same thing.

Bigots aren't allowed in our home and are not welcomed into our personal lives. We may have to deal with them in public (work, etc.,) but not in our home. Period.

Randi Rhodes always says something to the effect of "when people show you who they are, believe them." She has show exactly what she is, a bigot. Believe her. And find a new friend.

[RidinMyDonkey]

35. That's really good advice

If I were to stop trying to get people to change who they are, maybe I'd have more time to be me.

I'm going to let her go. It makes me sad, because I don't make friends easily. But there is no room for friends who are assholes. Especially towards kids.

[AspenRose]

45. Yep, that's good advice.

[Kalyke]

34. It's the same thing with misogynists.

They don't realize they're being that way - even well-educated, seemingly woman-friendly (and I mean that in the esoterical sense) men.

My husband is a liberal, but I still have to tell him not to call stupid acts, "gay" or call people who don't act, "pussies."

It takes time, but worth the work.

[RidinMyDonkey]

36. It's not quite the same

She definitely knew what she said was wrong. There was nothing unintentional about it.

[donheld]

37. Being gay, my "friend" had better NEVER say a thing like that to me. EVER.

[shimmergal]

38. Social sanctions are powerful.

I've been amazed at how some people in our family have changed when I and/or my daughters have countered their bigoted comments with a sort of "surely you can't mean that" response. It doesn't always have to be verbal; a look of disbelief or a joke (showing how silly they sound) often works better than even a from-the-heart talk. It doesn't work instantly, but over the years it's really changed them (though doubtless changes in society have helped too.)

But if your friend has too many people at her church talking the other way, it may not happen. You have to do what feels best to you.

[stray cat]

39. Fear of other people's sexual orientation? It just sounds like she is being hateful

[seabeyond]

42. the same if i discover they are racist or sexists. i think less of them as people

and prefer not to hang around them.

[aikoaiko]

43. I would treat it like any other character defect.

I would tell your friend Mary to not use that kind of language around me and then ask if she needs to borrow the $15.

[quiller4]

44. That would be the end of the friendship for me.

[RidinMyDonkey]

46. UPDATE: apologies all around this morning

I talked to her this morning when I was leaving the building, she apologized profusely. She claims she only said it because she was mad, because she was never supposed to have pay the money back.

It's still not okay with me. But I'm not quite as upset anymore. I still have doubts I'll carry on talking to her though.