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...and that the conservatives powers-that-be feared he would give. The last thing they want is Obama going all FDR on their asses, kind of like this...
Greetings, students of America, I'm President Obama and I'm incredibly pleased to speak to you today. I have a lot to talk about, but I've decided to stray a little bit from my prepared remarks.
I'm sorry to tell you, we're fucked. Really and truly fucked. The Republicans mortgaged your future when they cut taxes on the rich back when YOUR mommies and daddies were still trying to figure out if the opposite sex was yucky or not. You see, boys and girls, the Republican cut taxes on the rich, then to fill the giant gaping hole in the budget started borrowing money. And every year it got higher and higher, except for a few years during the Clinton years.
And now we've got a huge crisis, and because we went $9 trillion dollars (that's nine million millions, boys and girls) into debt before the economic crisis hit, now that we actually NEED that credit, we don't have it. The rich bastards that have been cutting your school budgets, moving your mommy's and daddy's jobs to communist China, and deregulated the financial industry... they have all the money. And communist China does, which is why when they run over pro-democracy protesters with army tanks we pretend it never happened.
So, we're fucked. I know what needs to be done, and I know that the rich are far to powerful to let what needs to be done happen. They won't let themselves be taxed more because they "earned" the money after bribing Congressmen and women into passing giant tax cuts for them.
They won't let me take control of our economic borders because that would mean having to give your mommy and daddy higher-paying jobs and maybe even a labor union to fight for them.
They won't let me pass universal single-payer insurance so that your parents are tied to their jobs for insurance. Now your parents, to protect their family from medical mishaps, have to repress their entrepreneurial spirit and innovative ideas.
They won't let me get us off of oil so we're not forced to protect theoretical, dictatorial mass-murdering governments. Or so that we can have clean air that doesn't cause cancer and birth defects, and our climate is stable and our food supply secure.
So, we're fucked. The rich and powerful aren't; they will simply create little secure insular communities to hide in so the impending collapse of our nation won't affect their ability to play Segway polo... if they even bother to stay here. There's an excellent chance they'll relocate to a country that DOES offer universal health care, strong labor unions, clean energy, and such to continue to enjoy advanced Western culture. After all, with today's advanced communication technology they can plan the exploitation of small defenseless nations just as easily from their villa in France as their beachhouse in Malibu.
I'd like to encourage you to study hard, but by the time you graduate you'll probably be eating rats for food or fighting a guerrilla war against Chinese occupation forces. That's assuming they didn't use nuclear weapons on us.
Well, I can see that my staff has literally shit themselves, so I'd better go before they pass out. Thank you and have a pleasant afternoon.
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