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I wrote this "news article" during my lunch break. Just thought we all needed a good laugh after this week.... :)
ENN
Excrement News Network, Inc.
WASHINGTON (ENN) –Congressman Joe Wilson (R—SC) has apparently had a change of heart.
After gaining instant notoriety from his angry outburst during President Obama’s address to a joint session of Congress earlier this week, the South Carolina Republican has joined with Massachusetts Democratic Rep. Barney Frank, and co-sponsored legislation which would grant immediate citizenship to all immigrants, legal and illegal, currently living in the United States.
“My behavior the other night was inexcusable and I realize how disrespectful I was,” Mr. Wilson said in a joint press conference this morning with Mr. Frank. “As a Christian man, I realize I must take steps to rectify my sinful action. I believe that helping to pass this important piece of legislation will be an important step in making reparations towards the 50-cent an hour hired help who work at my estate.” Mr. Wilson added that he would immediately grant his staff a raise to the federal minimum wage after their citizenship papers are approved.
Mr. Wilson went on to say that the legislation will help reduce the federal deficit, he explained, since those who are currently illegal immigrants will begin paying taxes into the system, thus offsetting the huge expenses caused by “those same people taking advantage just about every social program that’s out there.”
When asked about Mr. Wilson’s sudden turnaround, Mr. Frank told reporters that “Joe and I had breakfast together this morning and we had a good discussion. As the president said yesterday, everyone makes mistakes, after all I done some regrettable things when I’ve become emotional as well. It’s time for us to forgive and move on.“
The Federal Association for Immigration Reform (F.A.I.R.) hailed Mr. Wilson’s comments as a “step towards real change in America” and have contributed $1 million to his re-election campaign.
However, Mr. Wilson’s actions stunned many people in his South Carolina district which stretches from Columbia to Hilton Head Island.
“What a con-man this guy turned out to be!” Said Bubba Harley, a retired NASCAR employee from Hicksville, which is in Wilson’s district, “just yesterday I started a Facebook group called ‘Joe Wilson, Our Hero’ and it turns out he’s only another (expletive) politician who stabbed us in the back by teaming up with socialists like Barney Frank.”
Pastor Stephen Anderson of Phoenix, AZ issued a statement saying that he has already prayed that Mr. Wilson dies and goes to hell, and that he plans to give a sermon this Sunday titled “Why I Hate Joe Wilson.”
But Mr. Wilson wasn’t the only one taking heat.
Mr. Frank’s congressional website crashed this morning after his office received an inordinate amount of emails, many from his Massachusetts constituents, concerned that any Congressman from South Carolina, the first state to secede from the union igniting the Civil War, should be treated as a traitor. Many are displeased about Mr. Frank’s decision to work with someone that many New Englanders consider as un-American.
Throngs of demonstrators gathered around Mr. Frank’s private residence in Boston today to express outrage over a confederate flag which was flying over his garage.
“Is this the way you honor Ted Kennedy’s memory?” yelled one angry protester wearing a shirt which read “Screw the South.”
Mr. Frank said that he understood their anger, but that “we have to realize the Civil War ended some time back” and that “real leadership is being able to bring both sides together and move on, rather than taking the politically expedient route of allowing anger to keep boiling……folks, like or not, it’s time to kiss and make up.” Mr. Wilson appeared to step back from Mr. Frank at that moment (that video snip has already been viewed over 8,000 times on Facebook as of 11:00 EDT this morning).
President Obama welcomed the news, saying that the two men were displaying “the very best Washington has to offer.” The president went on to issue an invitation to both men to join him for beer on the White House lawn sometime next week.
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