The most shameful experience of my life

[Cyrano]

I went to the New York City public school system and there were only three black kids in my class at the time. One year, a teacher asked us to submit the names of children whose families couldn't afford to buy a Thanksgiving dinner. (Unlike today's America, NY schools helped pay for a family's Thanksgiving dinner.)

I submitted the name of a black classmate named Barney. (I won't say his real name here because he may still remember this incident and be embarrassed by it.)

Barney wore torn sweaters to school. It was only when I grew up that I understood that he wore torn clothes because his parents couldn't afford to buy him new ones.

Barney often smelled. He once explained to me that he could only bath twice a week because his parents couldn't afford to pay the electric/water bills that the landlord added to their rent if they used too much water or electricity.

Other kids in my class told me that Barney's family had money, and could afford to buy themselves a Thanksgiving dinner. Being young, ignorant and gullible, I believed them. After all, at nine years old, who are you going to believe? Your friends, or a kid with torn sweaters who couldn't afford to bath every day? So (to my everlasting shame) I withdrew my request.

Barney was born into poverty that most of us can't imagine. And he was treated as an outcast because of it.

This was a likable kid. He was an amiable, pleasant, intelligent child trying to do his best given the circumstances of his birth/life.

And there is never a day in my life that goes past that I don't regret that I hadn't fought for him and that Thanksgiving dinner that I was too young and stupid to understand was needed. Not to mention helping him fight for a decent life during the other 364 days of the year.

I'm usually not one to lecture. But if only we could all empathize with the horror of poverty. And do just a little now and then to help relieve it.

[Warpy]

1. You were a KID

and the grownup in your class should have noticed Barney and submitted his name. It should never have been up to you.

You're not responsible for being bullied out of it. The bullies are responsible for that.

[driver8]

2. Thank you for sharing this with us.

I think we all have a "Barney" in our past -- someone we wished we would have helped when we had the chance.

All we can do is learn from the past, and hopefully do the right thing in the future.

[OllieLotte]

9. I think you are correct.

I do.

[LeftishBrit]

3. Thank you for posting; but what really shocks me...

is that the responsibility was put on children at all.

It should never be up to children to make such decisions about another child.

[Berry Cool]

13. Sometimes the goal is to get kids out of themselves and thinking about others at a young age

rather than turning into self-centered spoiled brats.

It's not so much putting all the responsibility on kids to pick out needy peers as it is for them to take notice and realize not everyone is as lucky as they are and that they can and should do something to help.

It's like having kids pick out toys to be donated to other kids for Christmas and whatnot. I mean, when we were kids we were asked to donate our own used toys when we got tired of them. Today--and I think this is great--organizations are asking people to donate only new toys, so that kids don't always feel they are only good enough to get someone else's old undesirable castoffs.

[LeftishBrit]

15. I think it is great to get kids to donate gifts or time and work to help others

What bothers me is the idea of their being asked to *select* needy peers. First of all, it can easily lead to the sort of problem described by the OP; and secondly, even if it doesn't, many of the needier children and/or their parents might find it humiliating to know that their classmates are evaluating their poverty.

[elehhhhna]

4. honey, how old were you ? forgive yourself...

children should be forgiven for living in the bubbles their parents have carefully constructed.

Ditch the guilt and keep the compassion!

[Cyrano]

17. More easily said than done. My heart still aches when I think about this.

[pipi_k]

27. We all do things we regret, or fail to take action when we could/should have

My heart aches as well for things I've done or not done, and some of them were done/not done when I should have been old enough to know better.

You know what, though?

You didn't do the most horrible thing in the world. And really, even though your heart aches for the Thanksgiving dinner Barney didn't get, it could be that another window of opportunity opened and Barney ended up getting something worth much more than just one dinner. You just never know.

You can try to erase some of the shame and guilt by donating your time in other ways now.

One Christmas I volunteered my time to deliver meals to shut-ins. People too poor to buy food. People too ill or elderly to cook for themselves. I talked with an old woman whose friends were all gone. A young mother with MS, confined to a wheelchair...and others. All of them thanked me profusely for bringing them a Christmas dinner encased in styrofoam trays. It broke my heart. It also gave me a whole new outlook. These people were grateful for a crummy dinner that another human being had brought them.

Do something similar for Barney, if not for yourself.

There's so much more you can do now, as an adult, for so many more Barneys in the world.

:)

[TayTay]

5. The point of memory is to gather experience and wisdom

It seems to me that this has happened here.

We all miss opportunities in life. The point is not to look backward for change/action. We look backwards to see what happened and to note the moments at which we could have intervened for change or compassion or growth or whatever.

Look forward and carry what you learned with you. That is called wisdom and it is what gives you a purpose in this life.

So, what did you learn, how did it affect you and what do you plan to do with the emotional knowledge and understanding you gained? It sounds like you plan to do a lot. Congratulations and thank you for bringing this information out. Now, what do we do next?

[JuniperLea]

30. Well said...

We can all find a Barney to help... quietly, gently, and without bravado for "our" good deed... because it's not about us.

[TayTay]

31. It is never about "me"

it's about what I believe in. There is a world of difference in that.

[Arugula Latte]

6. Do you remember his last name? I wonder if you could track him down today.

Wouldn't that be interesting? You could just tell him, "Hey, I remember you and I think of you sometimes. How are you doing?"

[Cyrano]

8. If only I could remember his last name. And if only I could find him

Then again, I sold him out. If only I could apologize.

[Arugula Latte]

10. Do you have a class photo from that time?

That would probably have his name. Or, are you in touch w/ anyone from your childhood who might remember him?

[Cyrano]

16. All gone in a fire.

I really don't think that those who haven't lost possessions due to fire, flood, tornado, or any other natural disaster can possibly grasp what it is to lose everything that really matters to you.

Furniture, and the rest of your belongings can be replaced. Photos and family relics are gone forever. The sadness and loss cannot be explained unless you've experienced it.

Please, buy a safe, bolt it to the floor and put everything in life that matters to you into it.

[angrycarpenter]

7. I was a "barney"

and after all of these years I still remember every stupid jerk who treated me like dirt. The ones who merely left me alone and didn't add to my misery were just fine in my book. Don't tear yourself up about it.

[wicket]

11. Same here

:hug:

[Fire1]

21. Hey angry!!! How's it going? I remember kids saying that

the under priviledged children 'had the money' and it wasn't until I was much older that I found out about welfare checks or stipends and put two and rwo together. Gov't assistance still didn't make a difference in their lives. As I remember those days long ago I have to say that I liked those unfortunate kids the most. They knew how to have fun and some were very talented and smart, too. The most surprising thing I remember is that they were white. I'll never forget a white kid who was taller than anyone in the class and had obviously repeated some grades but I thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread.!! LOL!!

[redqueen]

22. Me too.

Fortunately I don't remember much about my childhood.

[lunatica]

12. Well it's that same kid in you who makes sure that doesn't happen again

If you are ashamed of something you did you need to realize the paradox of feeling bad for something that anyone should feel bad about. Forgive yourself for being gullible and innocent and be glad you learned such a great lesson.

Geez, would you beat up on someone who didn't understand this if they were a 10 year old? Then what the fuck are you beating up on your 10 year old self for? Pinch yourself!

[CrispyQ]

14. My Barney was named Vicki.

Vicki lived next door to my best friend. Their house was shabby, she always had the weirdest haircuts, (I didn't think at the time that it was probably cuz they couldn't afford to go to a beauty shop) & like Barney, she too, smelled.

I was having a birthday party & told my mom I thought the nice thing to do would be to invite Vicki. My mom was so proud of me. But I let my best friend talk me out of it & I didn't tell Mom. After the party, Mom asked why Vicki didn't come. I told her I didn't invite her. I'll never forget the look of disappointment in my mom's eyes. And then she said, "You should never be ashamed of having compassion for those less fortunate."


In her post above, elehhhhna stated, "Ditch the guilt and keep the compassion!" That is great advice. You're a better person now for this experience. :hug:

[lapislzi]

18. It is frequently in the nature of children

To find someone lower down on the food chain to look down on, brutalize, terrorize, or torment. Hell, strike that. Adults do it with equal frequency, and it's far less excusable. Strike again. It's completely inexcusable in adults.

I am deeply ashamed of the lack of empathy I displayed as a teenager. Despite being pretty far down the pecking order, I and others on my low rung of the ladder still managed to find a girl worse off than ourselves. Although it's not in my nature to commit any kind of violence, I was pretty mean to her. Why? Because I *could* be. I also learned that acting mean to someone worse off than you doesn't improve your situation in the slightest.

If she's reading this, I hope she knows I'm sorry, and I hope that she has a good life now. She didn't deserve to be everyone's whipping girl.

[4_TN_TITANS]

19. There was one of those kids in my kindergarten class

named Billy. I believe his parents took him away from that particular school because of all the tormenting he took. I've actually tried to find out something about him so I could send him a heartfelt anonymous appology some 30 years later, but haven't found anything on him yet. I understand that we were just kids, but I've promised my daughters serious punishnment if I ever hear of them making fun of someone for a stituation that they can't help.

[4_TN_TITANS]

20. There was one of those kids in my kindergarten class

named Billy. I believe his parents took him away from that particular school because of all the tormenting he took. I've actually tried to find out something about him so I could send him a heartfelt anonymous appology some 30 years later, but haven't found anything on him yet. I understand that we were just kids, but I've promised my daughters serious punishnment if I ever hear of them making fun of someone for a stituation that they can't help.

[cali]

23. really? that was the most shameful thing you ever did?

You must be a saint.

[Cyrano]

29. No, Cali, I'm not a saint.

I've done far worse things in my life which can't be taken back.

But this was the first. And it has haunted me my entire life.

Cruelty is cruelty. And whether you're on the giving or receiving end, it leaves scars. I was nine years old and so was Barney. But my betrayal of him is beyond repair or apology.

My halo has gotten quite dirty and grimy since. And there are many things I wish I could change because I was old enough to know better.

But changing what happened all those many years ago is at the top of my list.

[mike_c]

24. I think we all have similar stories of growing up...

...and learning what it really meant to be in our own circumstances, and in other peoples' circumstances. The REAL distinction, I think, is that some people learn from those experiences, and are affected forever, while others shrug their shoulders and never learn anything from them. And when their own circumstances change, they rend hair and gnash teeth as though they were the first people on Earth to be mistreated so badly, and they think their suffering is not the same as that of others, who probably deserved it for being too lazy or otherwise deficient....

[Skittles]

25. seems like the teachers would have known Barney needed help

my story is a bit different - not long ago when I was visiting my mum, she mentioned that as a child I lost things frequently - especially coats, sweaters, mittens. I told her, "Mum, I didn't lose them - I gave them to poor kids." YOUR DAD SAID HE BET YOU WERE DOING THAT, she said. :)

[G_j]

26. what you learned from that experience, has most likely benefited other people

that you have known since then. Sometimes things happen which open/break our hearts, and make us extraordinarily aware.
Perhaps the last chapter of the lesson, is to understand that you learned it, and let your heart feel gratitude for the experience..

thanks for your post :-)

[alittlelark]

28. Mine was Bertha Marquez. I was always the smartest

or close to the smartest in my classes. It was 6th Grade History and the teacher was having us take turns reading from the textbook. When he called on Bertha she kept saying she didn't want to - he kept telling her she had to. It went on for 2 or so minutes. I was trying to be all cutesy and teachers pet and said "Bertha doesn't know how to read, I'll read again".

I'll never forget the look in her eyes. She beat the crap out of me at the school bus stop that afternoon. She jumped me 4-5 times after that but I had learned to defend myself and by the last few fights I was giving better than I was getting.

She dropped out of school sophomore year. I found out she could not read.

I don't know if it was dyslexia or what...

I still feel sick thinking about it, and thinking about what she must think about me.

And No, I have not tried to contact her.

:evilfrown:

[w8liftinglady]

32. I always make a point of buying extra t-shirts,etc

when they have "spirit days" at school.(or did until I got sick).The teachers have always thanked me profusely,as they usually have 4 or 5 kids who's parents can't afford them.Nothing worse than being the only kid without spirit.

[DearAbby]

33. You learned a valuable lesson...lesson well learned.

take heart, I am sure the teacher knew of Barney's need and helped. Some of us do know what it's like.

[lib_wit_it]

34. Yes, I think the teacher was asking the kids to present names of the needy to get them to think

about the needs of others and to instill compassion. Also, in the rare case that there was a child and family who covered it, but that another child may have known about.

Other than such a case, I'll bet, I certainly I hope, that she had the list already made up.