Attention, People of Earth

[asdjrocky]

by Paul Simms
We are on our way to your planet. We will be there shortly. But in this, our first contact with you, our “headline” is: We do not want your gravel.

We are coming to Earth, first of all, just to see if we can actually do it. Second, we hope to learn about you and your culture(s). Third—if we end up having some free time—we wouldn’t mind taking a firsthand look at your almost ridiculously bountiful stores of gravel. But all we want to do is look.

You’re probably wondering if we mean you harm. Good question! So you’re going to like the answer, which is: We mean you no harm. Truth be told, there is a faction of us who want to completely annihilate you. But they’re not in power right now. And a significant majority of us find their views abhorrent and almost even barbaric.

But, thanks to the fact that our government operates on a system very similar to your Earth democracy, we have to tolerate the views of this “loyal opposition,” even while we hope that they never regain power, which they probably won’t (if the current poll tracking numbers hold up).

The rest-
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2009/09/21/090921sh_shouts_simms?currentPage=all

[Mojambo]

1. Paul Simms is great. n/t

[asdjrocky]

2. Yeah, I thought this was too funny to pass up.

[Q3JR4]

3. I was expecting to see Lrrr.

Of the planet Omicron Persei 8.

Q3JR4.