Well, the 'missionaries' picked the wrong moment to come to my door.

[Are_grits_groceries]

I let loose on them with an uninterrupted 8 minute diatribe about health care reform, Uganda and killing gays, gay marriage, and the effing need to start using the 10 Commandments and the bloody Golden Rule if nothing else.

I think they were Mormons, but I never let them say. We get Baptists here too.

I didn't use any curse words.

[wtbymark]

1. I bet ya feel better now

[Are_grits_groceries]

3. I couldna help it.

I could only try to control the gist of it. My blood pressure went down.

[timeforpeace]

15. They don't mind. You could have read them Bernie Sanders' amendment and they would have loved it.

[polichick]

2. LOL - that's why I stuck a "no soliciting" sign on the porch. I'd do the same thing. nt

[NNN0LHI]

11. No Soliciting signs have never worked for me with door to door god people

They act like they must be for the fuller brush salesman or something.

Don

[polichick]

17. They still ring my bell too, but I just point to the sign and say, "No salespeople"...

...and then they say, "We're not selling anything." And I say, "Yes you are" and close the door.

It's our little routine!

[NNN0LHI]

20. I invite them in and offer them coffee or a soda

Then I proceed to talk their ear off. Not about anything specific. Just small talk. The weather, current events, etc. After a half hour or so of that and them not being able to get a word in edgewise they are usually heading for the door on their own volition.

Since then I still occasionally see their Cadillac Escalades parked in my neighborhood but they never come to my house any more. Can't figure out why?

Don

[hootinholler]

26. I invite them in for group sex

I don't know what I'll do when they say ok.

:shrug:

-Hoot

[tomm2thumbs]

33. omg rofl-breathless

don't you know that you invite them in for cookies and the sex 'just happens'!?

[Shanti Mama]

38. GREAT idea. n/t

[roguevalley]

31. here's what works: find their bishop, whatever. call them at 3 in the

morning. Tell them that since their missionaries bothered you in the middle of your day, you wanna tell him about YOUR thoughts on God at 3 am. They will drop you like a rock. it never fails.

[RC]

4. Too bad they didn't get you out if the shower.

Then you could have really made an impression. :evilgrin:

[Are_grits_groceries]

5. They would have turned to stone

or a pillar of salt???:P

[Justitia]

19. LOL! Not true, I'm sure, but u r funny. :)

[HarveyDarkey]

6. This mat on my porch works quite well

[mike_c]

7. google search failed, but I WANT one of those mats...!

Do you have a link to a source? Pretty please?

[HarveyDarkey]

8. Right here

http://evolvefish.com/fish/misc.html

[mike_c]

12. thanks! I just found where I'm doing my small amount of xmas shopping....

:rofl:

[dixiegrrrrl]

21. Another alternative door mat:

We sent these doormats as Christmas gifts:

(http://www.highcotton.com)

[wtbymark]

14. LOL Sara Palin toilet paper lol

[asdjrocky]

9. I always talk to those people when they come to my door.

Sometimes I invite them in and even offer to listen to them for a minute or two as long as they show me the courtesy, many times they leave my home with some new thoughts in their heads.

It's amazing how many of these people know nothing of what is really in the bible, or its vast and many contradictions.

[Are_grits_groceries]

10. I usually try to engage in a more calm conversation.

However, I had been reading websites and posting on DU. Unfortunately, they caught the brunt of what I couldn't say. I don't feel bad, however, because they always push some form of hidden hate.

[asdjrocky]

13. Hey much props for what you did.

I'm not saying in any way shape or form that you were wrong.

Those people drive me nuts.!

[Warpy]

16. They leave me completely alone

I can tell the Mormons because the very nice young men in their suits cross the street when they get to my house.

Night nurses are RABID when god botherers show up and lean on the doorbell because the car says somebody's home.

I scared them all off a dozen years ago.

[eridani]

43. And you didn't even come to the door naked?

I've heard tell that that works.

[Warpy]

45. No, I have my dignity

Even when my hair would make Phyllis Diller proud and I'm shrieking like a Valkyrie, running shorts and a t-shirt make me reasonably presentable.

After all, there was an off chance it could be a neighbor telling me my house was on fire. I'd want to be clothed for that occasion.

[eridani]

47. Well, there's that. n/t

[Initech]

18. I probably would've done the same thing.

[pitohui]

22. an 8 minute diatribe w. no cuss words? where's your sense of fun? :-)

i salute you i can't imagine carrying that off

i just tell them i don't have any clothes on and can't open the door

[dixiegrrrrl]

23. We live at end of long long driveway

and have a large barking snarling dog who gets to the door first.

anyone still standing at the door by the time I get to it is usually somebody I want to see.:evilgrin:

[NMMNG]

24. My wife and I love you

In a totally platonic way, of course.

[Duende azul]

25. Honorable mention to you for doing it without curse words.

And not letting them talk is the icing on the cake.

:applause:

[lib2DaBone]

27. You done good grits.. keep up the good work...

.. I like when the Bible Beaters come to my door to "save" me.

I calmly tell them I am NOT a Christian. So I can't be saved.

You should see their jaws drop.. they just wander away murmuring to themselves.. never come back...lol

[FreeState]

28. Here's the thing with Mormon missionaries - seeing that I was one

They really don't give a rats ass what you say them. After having door after door slammed in your face you tend to just make a joke of crazy people - and believe me when I say that's what they see when people act this way.

[grantcart]

35. Not always

I invite them in and pretend to have some innocent questions and slowly the circle draws round and round.

You see being the direct descendent of both Heber J, and Jedidiah Morgan I can eventually ask some very embarassing questions. But taking a masters of theology at Princeton decades ago gave me lots of biblical ammunition.

by the end of an hour they are stunned. Now I have warned them that if they stay they are likely to find it to uncomfortable to stay and will end up running out of here before all of my questions are answered. This creates a tremendous dilema for the senior minder because I keep asking "Now your not going to run out of here in fear are you" and the questions continue deeper and deeper.

Tears result and I finally release them and tell them I haven't tried to convert them and they don't even know what religion I practice but they both know everything the mouth about Joseph Smith is blather. They keep track and enter me into the "absolutely don't call directory". A couple of years ago I moved next door and after 2 years of seeing no 'elders' I had a visit.

They have never returned.

After the election I was getting more and more angry about the Mormons and the passage of 8 and literally was thinking I would like the Mormons to show up now and at that exact time there was a knock on the door.

It was a young Jehovah's Witness who was travelling without a minder.

I was brutal. "Are you aware that the word Jehovah is not in the bible? Are you aware that the word Yahweh never appears in the bible." Destroying the virign birth and the resurrection by clear cold biblical evidence.

When I came to my summary she was already crying and as she ran from my door my closing shout was, "if you were a doctor and practicing medicine and were this incompetent I could sue you for malpractice." It was not my best moment.

I blame the Mormons.

Funny Jehovah Witnesses haven't bothered to return either.

[Mopar151]

42. Kenny & I (see post 40)

Worked with a guy with a 4 year degree in Bible from BJU. He LOVED to have Witness come to the door so that he could tie them in knots. The same guy told me that anybody who beleived that a particular version of the King James was the inerrant word of God, and every other one was a lie, was crazy. "It's been translated, transcribed, rewritten, and typeset countless times, by mortal men, and it contains over a million words. If you take a few of those words out of context, you can "prove" about anything"

[Mopar151]

49. Dude, your'e my hero n/t

[grantcart]

36. Not always

I invite them in and pretend to have some innocent questions and slowly the circle draws round and round.

You see being the direct descendent of both Heber J, and Jedidiah Morgan I can eventually ask some very embarassing questions. But taking a masters of theology at Princeton decades ago gave me lots of biblical ammunition.

by the end of an hour they are stunned. Now I have warned them that if they stay they are likely to find it to uncomfortable to stay and will end up running out of here before all of my questions are answered. This creates a tremendous dilema for the senior minder because I keep asking "Now your not going to run out of here in fear are you" and the questions continue deeper and deeper.

Tears result and I finally release them and tell them I haven't tried to convert them and they don't even know what religion I practice but they both know everything the mouth about Joseph Smith is blather. They keep track and enter me into the "absolutely don't call directory". A couple of years ago I moved next door and after 2 years of seeing no 'elders' I had a visit.

They have never returned.

After the election I was getting more and more angry about the Mormons and the passage of 8 and literally was thinking I would like the Mormons to show up now and at that exact time there was a knock on the door.

It was a young Jehovah's Witness who was travelling without a minder.

I was brutal. "Are you aware that the word Jehovah is not in the bible? Are you aware that the word Yahweh never appears in the bible." Destroying the virign birth and the resurrection by clear cold biblical evidence.

When I came to my summary she was already crying and as she ran from my door my closing shout was, "if you were a doctor and practicing medicine and were this incompetent I could sue you for malpractice." It was not my best moment.

I blame the Mormons.

Funny Jehovah Witnesses haven't bothered to return either.

[Mopar151]

29. I have a little, true story that has yet to fail.

So far, the Mormons, Witnesses, and 2 variations of Sin Burners have showed up ONCE. I think I'm on a "don't get near the crazy man" list.

The story: I am a longtime fan of the late shock comedian and Pentecostal minister (a prodigal "boy preacher" from a family of ministers) Sam Kinison. Sam could tell a story about corpse molestation* in the LA morgue, make you laugh as you were gagging, and make a spiritual point. One late night, I was listening to the "Rockline" radio call-in show, and they were interviewing Sam. The host took a caller, who asked Sam about his current religous views - likely trying to provoke an inspired rant. For a wonder, he replied quietly and thoughtfully " I think that everyone should have a private relationship with God. And you should NEVER let anyone else define what that relationship is."
Then I shake their hand and say good bye, and NEVER see them again.

*These jeeters would have to look up "necrophelia", and the story would lose some punch.

PS MY favorite Sam rant line "Rehab, my ass! If you still have $31,000, you ain't even got a problem yet! Chill the fuck out and find a meeting."

[Stinky The Clown]

30. Our sweet little German Shepherd Dog is always the first to answer the door.

I open the storm door just enough for her snout and teeth to show throug and explain apologetically that if I stay and listen to what they have to say, the dog might break free and eat them.

[tomm2thumbs]

32. omg - please tell me you videotaped this and will be posting a link

or at least that you can recreate it on some neighbors and videotape THAT so we can imagine

[proteus_lives]

34. Nothing like unloading on people who did nothing to you.

Nice rush huh?

[Are_grits_groceries]

37. MEH!

They have proven when I do talk to them I better see the light or I will go to hell. It was a preemptive strike as far as I am concerned. In addition, they come here all the time.

[Mopar151]

40. Nothing? You ain't met these jeeters...

My friend - a good, devout Christian, was repairing his roof on a 95 deg. day. A Witness climbed the 2 story ladder to harangue him while he worked on the roof. The rest of the Witness family were sitting in the car, with the windows shut, baking. The cops will arrest you for doing that to a dog - what they were thinking, I have no idea. And Kenny - one of the most paitent and truly good people I know - went off on the Witless on his ladder after 10 minutes or so. "My God, man - you are up here trying to tell me that you have the only Way to salvation, WHILE YOU ARE KILLING YOUR FAMILY IN MY FRONT YARD! Get off my ladder, get off my lawn, get off my street, and go take care of your family! "
And we later worked with a former Witness, who told us about some of the techniques they use - like counting electric meters to tell the number of apartments in a building - And what they talk about when they are working a neighborhood. (Like, whose house can we move into after God strikes down the sinners?) Oh, yeah - they hafta pay the church for the literature they sell, or give away.

[malaise]

39. Good for you

Bet they'll never come back. :hi:

[Are_grits_groceries]

41. Oh they will.

They keep coming for some reason. Maybe they are assured of getting into heaven if I am saved or something. If that's their only ticket in, they better get some fireproof clothing.:evilgrin:

[Mopar151]

48. I'm an expert in firesuits

The best stuff available for motorsports has about a 30 second burn rating. Where these goobers are going, that's not much help....:evilgrin:

[smokey nj]

44. Mr. smokey and some friends got rid of Mormon missionaries by inviting them in, offering them

drinks and inviting them to join the poker game that was already in progress. The young men declined and politely excused themselves.

[Tailormyst]

46. I like to invite them in for coffee and to talk about religion

Once they spot the pentagrams and statues of Cernunnos, Pan, Morrigan, etc they get this nervous look and suddenly have to leave. I haven't had any one show up in quite a while now.

[Mopar151]

50. I like you.......

:hug: Have a good Solistice.

[Tailormyst]

51. Thank you !

And a Happy Solstice ( or whichever holiday you celebrate) to you and yours !

[guitar man]

52. my official

"missionary greeter" :evilgrin: