I order you to give your Mom a hug, after you read this.

[angrycarpenter]

Health care reform has always been my pet issue. Throughout this year I have been glued to the media and internet keeping up with details and arguing passionately with relatives and on other boards as to the merits and flaws of the process where it stood. All this changed about two weeks before Thanksgiving, my mother had a stroke.

She had fallen getting out of bed that morning only to discover that her left side was totally paralyzed. We called the ambulance and she spent the next ten days in the hospital before being sent to a rehab center. From there things went from bad to worse. She developed blood clots in the left leg that threatens to cost her the leg, being a diabetic things like that are extremely dangerous, so they put her on anti-coagulants. Her hemoglobin got dangerously low so they determined that she was bleeding internally.

So back to the hospital she goes. After some tests they determine two things, she has a fistula that is allowing blood and feces to drain into her bladder caused by a recurrence of the colon cancer she had removed two years ago and that it had spread throughout her abdomen to the point that there is no point in trying to treat it. Prognosis: terminal and soon.

They fixed the hole in her bladder and gave her a colostomy and now there is nothing to do but sit vigil over her failing body. Dad is an emotional wreck and can barely remember to feed himself, my parents have become more like dependent children.

I am not telling you all of this to get sympathy even though I know you will be sympathetic. And I am not going to present some medical horror story because every one of her doctors and caregivers has been excellent and her insurance has been very accommodating so far. I am telling you this simply because life is far too short.

All of these days I have spent sitting by her bedside watching her lousy daytime TV gives me much time to reflect on this world and time to have long talks with a woman who has always been in my corner and is the source of my compassion and much of my wisdom. One of the things she always has said is to quit getting so outraged over things that I can do nothing about.

For the last 5 weeks I have paid scant attention to the goings on in Washington. I have little idea of how the HCR bill is going other than it is the corporate sell out I had feared, but I know little about the details and at this point I have a hard time really caring.

Amazing how here in the home stretch it all seems so distant and uninteresting, how these political dogfights that used to be my bread and butter seem colorless and stupid, how overnight your priorities can change. It's not that I no longer care it is just that the center of my universe is passing away a piece at a time and much, much too soon.

If your parents still live give them a call or visit them as soon as you can and treasure them while they are still here to give you sympathy or give you hell as needed because all too soon they pass on leave a hole that will never be filled. She is not even dead yet and I can see that hole in the distance yawning like the grand canyon. Have a good Christmas DU and give your Mom and Dad an extra long hug this year because all too soon there is nothing to hug but memories.

[RevCheesehead]

1. I wish I could - my mom's been gone for 3 years.

But I'm hugging my dad with everything I've got, because this year will probably be his last.

Thank you for the perspective. :hug:

[we can do it]

2. Many Hugs To You As Well

I miss my mom terribly and wish I could just give her one more hug....you will never regret helping her through this

[StarfarerBill]

3. Sighhh...would that I could.

I think about and miss my mother every day. :(

[sandnsea]

4. Both my parents are gone

But believe me, I hug my kids and grandkids just like you hug your mom and dad.

And I don't give two shits where a nickel of anybody's money goes as long as people can see a doctor and have a chance to live and love.

[kentuck]

5. My Mom passed away this past June...

Christmas just does not feel like Christmas to me this year.

[gardenista]

10. I'm with you there, kentuck

We put up lights outside, but that's as far as I could go this year. Even get a lump in my throat writing this. It's been rough.

May we both find comfort in the love we share with others.

:hug:

[kentuck]

21. Thank you.

For your kind thoughts.

[Still Blue in PDX]

20. .

:hug:

[gardenista]

6. I wish I could give both of our moms hugs.

My dear true blue dem mom passed away in February. Health care was her biggest worry.

Sounds like your mom was a great support and inspiration to you.

I wish you both comfort and freedom from pain. And for what it's worth, your advice is good advice. My only regret is that I didn't spend enough time with my mom, even though she knew I loved her.



:hug:

[kiva]

7. Echo your recommendation.

Intellectually you know your parents will most likely die in your lifetime, but it still doesn't prepare you to be without them, no matter when they pass. I'd add that we also don't know if they will retain their faculties until the end - both of my parents did not, having someone who has always loved you look at you blankly and ask who you are is tough.

So yes, hug your mom - and your dad.

[Warpy]

8. I'm sorry you're going through this

I've been through it with both parents and I'm an only, so there was no one else around to make decisions.

It seems bizarre, but one of the toughest parts of losing one's parents is that one has to become the adult full time, especially once they become too sick to make their own decisions.

If hospice isn't involved yet, please get them involved. They can save your sanity while you go through this because they'll be there for you and your dad as well as your mother.

[AwakeAtLast]

9. So sorry, AC

A fitting reminder for this time of year. May you and your family be comforted in this difficult time.

:hug:

[parasim]

11. I'd love to, but she has been gone for 28 years.

She died when I was 24. My dad a few years later. But I agree with your sentiment. It certainly is a hole that can never be filled.

Thanks for the post.

[dysfunctional press]

12. you apparently had a loving relationship with your parents.

that's not true for everyone.

[Le Taz Hot]

35. +1

My madre was/is a self-absorbed serial abusing psychopath so, no thanks. But the OP is welcome to try (I suggest he/she bring a flak jacket & mace before entering just in case she's in one of her "moods"). One positive, I learned how to duck early on.

[Maat]

38. I'm in the same boat.

Luckily we have my sister, her husband, and her daughter. My sister is a great aunt to my daughter.

My beloved dad died in 2006; too bad the Monster came back into his life, and took control of everything. We've had to fight to carry out his wishes.

I give my sister and her family hugs often.

Peace and Happy Holiday (we'll do the best we can),

DawnB (Maat)

[mnhtnbb]

13. I'm so sorry, AC. Both my parents are gone. You are lucky--very lucky--

to have a compassionate and wise woman for a mother. Peace to you.

:hug:

[Fire_Medic_Dave]

14. Sitting in my dad's hospital room as we speak.

[emilyg]

15. My big regret - that I didn't spend

more time with my parents. Too late now. Thank you.

[demosincebirth]

31. That is, also, my great regret.

[lunatica]

16. My mother is in Home Hospice dying of pancreatic cancer

Medicare is saving what will be left of our tiny family. Home Hospice is covered 100% by Medicare and is saving all of us. It is the work of people who are committed to end of life comfort for the dying. I have never met more compassionate and loving people in one place in my life. They manage end of life. They don't pretend that she'll get better but they are kind about it. The family has our own social worker helping us make the end of life decisions about where she will be cremated. After many years of taking care of my mother while holding down a full time job and relying on my son to look after during the day I can finally call someone any time for help. I can finally let others who know what they're doing monitor her, bathe her, change her, keep her skin soft and whole during the week when I'm at work. I can finally let them decide what to do when she's in pain. And she's at home in her own quiet room with her precious view of the hillside she loves to look at during the day.

The end of my mother's life has been a strange and fearless blessing for her and for us. It has turned out to be full of grace and comfort and quietness. I am grateful for Medicare and for the importance they put on Home Hospice. Every human being on the planet should have the dignity of ending their life the way my mother has.

[Guilded Lilly]

17. Sending healing white light

...still feel like an orphan after my Mom passed three years ago. Lost Dad when I was 8, but we are eternal children when it comes to our parents.

My heart is with you and your family.
Lilly

[Berry Cool]

18. It's the same story here as with many others. My mother's been gone nine years.

Sudden heart attack. No warning. No previous problems.

I also know what you mean about not paying much attention to political stuff or caring. I lost my mom the day before Bush v. Gore was decided. People here often post about what a terrible, terrible day that was. But I remember watching the news and thinking I didn't really give a damn.

My sympathies are with you and everyone going through this. It doesn't matter how old you are at the time--when you lose a parent, you feel like an orphan.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

19. My Mom passed on July 1st and my Dad, 3 years earlier. I still think about calling Mom, forgetting

that I can't.

Bright blessings to you and yours, angrycarpenter.

[Still Blue in PDX]

23. I find myself talking to my mom.

We talked every day when she was alive, and sometimes I really feel her presence. My hope for you is that the hole left in your heart by your parents' passing eventually fills back up with love and comfort. My mom's been gone 21 years and my dad 18.

BB

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

24. Hugs to you BB

:hug:

[roguevalley]

22. I hug my mother every night in my dreams. There is nothing in the

world that meant more to me than my father and mother. There is nothing worse than being an orphan, especially if your parents were as wonderful as mine. I hug you, Angry Carpenter. I wish I could tell you all the things that have come to me from them even though they are gone. I wish I could hug you too. Take care and know you are not alone in spirit. I send you all the well wishes I can muster.

RIP, my heroes: Alan Bishop 1927-2006 and Dorothy Bishop 1931-2007 (They passed ten months apart.)

[Still Blue in PDX]

25. I've got nothing to say that hasn't been said, but still . . .

thank you, and :hug: to you and your mom.

I miss my parents every day of my life. We all need to hold those we love a little closer.

[begin_within]

26. Thank you

I'm sorry to hear what's happening now for you. It's so difficult to go through. I went through it 15 years ago with my Dad. Now my Mom is 91 and basically healthy but frail, almost can't walk and extremely dependent on me for virtually every activity of her day. They really do slowly become babies again. I never leave her unless someone else is here to take my place. Fortunately for now we can afford to have a nurse here 6 hours a day, 6 days a week. All the rest of the time it's me here. I hug her frequently and try to make her laugh as much as possible. She's actually pretty lucky, in the last year I have taken her to Yosemite twice, to Yellowstone and Big Sur, and to Disneyland for her birthday. Even though taking care of her is often an ordeal I wish I didn't have, at times it seems overwhelming, I know that it's the right thing and I actually sort of enjoy the burden in a way because I know it's right for her. I'm sorry to hear about your Mom's condition and I hope that you and her can enjoy being together for the time you have left together while she is on Earth. You are a really, really great person to spend so much time with her and take such good care of her. Too few people are willing to give back to their parents the time and love that they deserve from their children.

[bertman]

27. I'm very sorry about what's happened to your mom, AngryCarpenter. Since my mom and dad

have long since passed on, I'm going to focus on being outraged at the things that I do have some influence on; although, I'm becoming less and less sure every day that positive political change is one of those things.

[brer cat]

28. I wish I could give them both just one more hug.

I'll have to send one to you instead, DU friend. Bless you for such a lovely post when you must feel at the end of your rope. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

:hug: :hug:

[nadinbrzezinski]

29. I have... been spending the last week

at home with both of them. Mom needed a programmed surgery (which went fine) and we got home to find out dad needed blood transfusions and off to the hospital we went.

He ain't well (and his attitude does not help either) as to the dependent children... I admit, that is the way I at times feel my dad is these days.

Give your mom a hug... and I promise to give mine one in the morning.

[demosincebirth]

30. I have many regrets. thank you for your story and...

I am sure that your mom has a very special place waiting for her above. God bless you both.

[Demeter]

32. With You In Spirit

Survivors have the hardest job, to go on after so much is lost.

[PuraVidaDreamin]

33. Some good advice AC

I'm going to see Mama today.

[malaise]

34. I know exactly what you mean

Both my parents are dead. The hard part is watching them die but then, as time moves on, we're flooded with beautiful memories of their place in our lives. Here's a hug for you. :hug:

[a kennedy]

36. *hugs so tight*

both my parents are gone, and I didn't hug them enough. :cry: :cry: :cry: and these little crying smilies don't even begin to say how I feel.

[Waiting For Everyman]

37. One day can change everything.

And so many chances are over, and doors closed. One day things are "normal", and the next day that's gone. Permanently gone. I lost my Mom four years ago, and my husband two years ago today, both much as you describe. You want to hold on to "more" with them, but it's like trying to hold water in your hands.

Then one day, it's over. You expect to see them where they just were, but they're gone. Yet another corner turned, has changed everything even more. Both of my loved ones died in my living room (converted to a BR, they couldn't go up stairs) - I'm trying now to hold onto this house against a threatened foreclosure. Lately it looks as if I may be able to do that, after all. I don't know how to explain it, but I can't bear the thought of strangers living here, where they died. It's silly, but a strong feeling.

A big hug to you, angrycarpenter. :hug: Both of my loved ones, thankfully, passed remarkably well - not just unexpectedly peacefully, but much more than that at the very end - a spiritual sort of gift to me really, was in it from them. That was so fortunate, and I hope the same for you too. Even though it was so sad, I wouldn't have missed that for the world.

Nothing will ever be the same again. That's what will be hard.

[Maat]

39. Peace be with you, Angrycarpenter.

Sending healing and comforting energy and consciousness your way.

I lost my beloved dad three years ago in September (unfortunately, the one left is a cruel, mean, self-absorbed individual, with whom we've had to keep contact to a minimum, for our basic sanity's sake).

[kpominville]

40. My Mom passed from breast cancer 9 years ago

I will pray you get the strength of spirit you need to carry through.

Peace be with you AC.

[Bluerthanblue]

41. we can waste money, time, energy... but

love is never a 'waste'. It may not be accepted or returned, but it is always a positive force in this weary world.

Please hug your Mom for all of us that cannot. My Mum's been gone so long now, and my Dad as well. Your reminder about what is truly precious and too often gone before we realize, are a poignant gift.
May you and those you love be comforted and strengthened.
Wishing you and your family peace

thank you for opening your heart and sharing this painful experience

:grouphug:

blu~

[Kadie]

42. .

Both my parents are gone. I will hug my children instead. Thoughts are prayers are with you and your family.

:hug:

[mdmc]

43. Hugs for my mom on the way

peace and low stress..

[Octafish]

44. Blessings to You and Yours, angrycarpenter.

Peace, Love and All that is Good to You All.