Alcohol abuse and the elderly. It has happened now in my family.

[CTyankee]

A dear member of our family has been hospitalized with liver disease. Cancer has been ruled out by tests. The verdict is probably cirrhosis due to alcohol abuse over many years.

The story is a tangled web of denials of alcohol use, rage and fear from her kids ("how could you destroy your health?!"), and a very uncertain future life for this woman in her early 70s.

If anything, she was called a "functioning alcoholic." She was a big volunteer, interested and active in the arts, a very busy person in the golden years of her retirement.

It's all for naught now. I truly do not know how many years she will now have to live. There is blame and finger pointing going now to such an extent that I am horrified.

Is this an underreported story in today's medical literature or have I missed something? While she is not in my immediate family, we are related by marriage and my kids and her kids are close.

Sorry. I don't know what to make of it because I am just plain sad. Words of wisdom are welcome...:cry:

[midnight]

1. Just tell her you care,

because that's what it sounds like to me. And from what I read hear, she has had to spend her life as a pleaser....

[CTyankee]

5. Thank you. She is a lovely woman. I have drunks in my family but none of them

lived long enough to develop liver disease. I just wonder about this whole thing. Who knows how much she drank? Is sheer quantity the test? I never saw her drunk but I know she did like to drink and drink pretty much continuously after work and on weekends.

I think this is a whole specailized area of geriatrics but I don't know how people escape the usual "hits head by a fall" or stroke (like my brother) or "accident" (starts fire by passing out with a lit cigarette in his fingers), type of thing.

Wish I knew more...

[Hekate]

34. Women metabolize alcohol differently from men, for starters, & the elderly do so diff from the young

Beyond that, there's individual genetics and susceptibility.

One of my good friends had to take charge of her mom's life when she was in her 70s because she was an out of control alcoholic (in every conceivable way, details gruesome). The woman was down to around 70 pounds and seemingly not long for this world. Her thought processes were pickled, and she was a mean one. Smoked like a chimney, too. So into an assisted living facility she went, where she promptly gained 40 pounds and lived another 10 years.

Why didn't that mean old lady die? My friend's earliest memories of her mother are of abuse, and as she got old the whole family warped itself around her and the fact that when drunk she would write checks for them...

My sis, on the other hand, doesn't drink to excess but in her late 40s/early 50s showed signs of pancreatitis. She was thoroughly quizzed about her drinking habits by her doctor. Turned out to be caused by something else, but that was the first thing they thought of. And she is now diabetic, so that may have had something to do with it, too.

Alcoholism runs on my mom's side of the family, and over time I've wondered if there really is a gene in the Irish heritage: my parents were very modest drinkers, we didn't grow up near the relatives that had a problem with it, and yet one of my brothers has been a steady drinker since he was a teenager. :-(

I'm sorry about your relative. Just love her as always. She's going to have a lot to deal with, having liver disease and having to give up her "friend" that's an enemy.

Hekate

[Dorian Gray]

60. My sister in law

now has chronic Pancreatitis as a result of drinking. It's a horrible and painful disease (both the pancreatitis and the alcoholism), both physically and emotionally.

[Dorian Gray]

59. I'm sorry to hear this

the end of her life will be painful with Cirrhosis. And probably sad and lonely. People are probably angry with her and with each other, but there is nothing that anybody could do if she wanted to keep drinking herself sick.

Just tell her that you care and be with her during her last days.

[CTyankee]

61. I have advocated a rehab facility for her. I feel bad that she is being left

out in the cold in terms of treatment with this attitude "If you really wanted to, you would stop drinking." But it's obvious she has an addiction and at this point she alone cannot do it. She needs help. Why isn't she getting some from her own family?

[Dorian Gray]

73. After years of living with alcoholism

people grow really weary and tired of it all. I don't know what the circumstances in her family are, but it's so emotionally draining on everyone involved, and some people may think: "What's the point now?"

Does she show any interest in rehab? If she does, that's fantastic. Good luck advocating for her. Perhaps the last years of her life will be spent well, and she will earn some of the trust of her family back.

[Fire1]

2. No words of wisdom just compassion. n/t

[napi21]

3. I don't know if there was a reason ny lady drank so much. I can tell you that I do too!

I started drinking a lot when the job I had was unbearabe. Our Co was under investigation for everything you can imagine. The result was no guilt but I was the dir. of finance and had to deal with all the insanity for 6 years! I'm still not over it and probably never will be. I don't have any diseases yet, but it won't be any surprise if I get some.

[CTyankee]

11. Actually, this lady opted for a teacher's vocation. She loved her work with little kindergarteners.

She loves her many close friends, and her projects. I have known her for over 40 years and, while her life has had some ups and downs, just like all of us, she has been a consistent, constant drinker.

Napi, please don't give up on yourself. I had unbearable pressure in my job right before I retired. Luckily, I was close enought to getting my SS that I simply gave up...and my doctor was the one I give credit to for laying it all out for me (re my blood pressure readings). It takes a boot in the rear end but that is what you need. Rethink your options, I did. Reorganize, get a plan to get out, and STRATEGIZE...it's what I did. And I had a soft landing and was fine. You can do it too...please try...pm me if you need some support...

thanks for you contribution...I appreciate it on a very cold, kinda depressed night...

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. My dear CTyankee...

Hugs for you, sweetie...stay close to her as you are able...

:hug: :hug:

[Warpy]

6. You won't have her very long if that's the case

Although there are heroics that can be done surgically and with medication, they only work if the person is well motivated to quit drinking and if they're done soon enough.

We can't control other adults, no matter how much we love them. Trying to control them just makes their illness worse.

Al Anon meetings are for friends and families of alcoholics. They are self help and can get your head a lot straighter over this stuff, possibly in time to enjoy her for whatever time she has left.

Don't be too angry at her. It might seem like a waste, but try to celebrate who she is, not what she might have been in time.

And yes, a lot of people start running into serious alcohol problems when they retire, especially if they don't have activities to fill their days.

[CTyankee]

18. I went to Al Anon because of my brother, but the religiosity turned me off.

That group just wasn't for me.

I was feeling that this person would sort of "reform" herself with age...you know, you just can't drink like you used to so you cut down...

I didn't realize that this was a real addiction, altho to tellyou the truth, I think now that I knew it was...it was so irrational to me, she would carry alcohol in her car at all times, it was strange to me...

The thing is, she HAD lots of things to do in retirement...it was really her habits from her life before that followed her. She was very active...I used to hear of her activities and I felt like I was lazy because all I did was teach a course for adults in retirement and teach ESOL classes...I guess quantity doesn't matter, it's quality...

[Warpy]

38. Sadly, some Al Anon groups get taken over by religious nuts

I was lucky enough to do the Al Anon shuffle back in Boston, where they were a little more open to people who weren't all Christians and it helped considerably.

She drank because she drank and couldn't stop. Keeping it with her meant she was doing maintenance drinking, and that's always bad news. Remember, she didn't wake up one morning and say, "Gee, I think I'd like to become an alcoholic!" It sneaks up on people, it puts up a wall of denial, and makes it impossible for them to stop without a lot of help.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there. I just suggested Al Anon, religious baggage and all, as a safe place to talk out all the anger, grief and frustration.

[CTyankee]

47. thanks, that good to know, really...

I just think she was "fingered" from day one...it was genetic and once she started drinking, as a young bride with her husband, she couldn't stop, he did and couldn't put up with it and she divorced him so she could pursue her "lifestyle" (as her daughter puts it) which was really her addiction.

I really wish her daughter could understand her mother's addiction in the same way that she would understand a heroin addict or a cocaine addict. I don't understand this singling out of alcohol...

[malaise]

7. CTyankee there is but one philosophical truth

Everyone and everything that lives eventually dies. When we realize that someone we love is ill there are a few critical questions
- is she comfortable and can we take care of her
- did she enjoy her life
- did she do good for those she loved and for strangers

So she likes to drink. Many diabetics love sweets. Smokers love cigarettes but at the end of the day we're all going to die so the particular human weakness must not divide loved ones when reality arrives.

Love her, make her know she is loved and ensure that she is comfortable.
Lots of people don't make it to 70. :grouphug:

sp.

[panader0]

10. Good answer

[DeschutesRiver]

13. What you wrote is how it is, and I feel the same way. Thx for posting it. nt

[CTyankee]

19. Yes, you are right. I lost my alcoholic brother to a stroke before the age of 70.

I just wish her own family showed her the love. One daughter is bitter, but I know she was bitter from an earlier divorce of her mother and her father...I think the other kids are more tolerant...

Rest assured, so many people love this woman...but one who doesn't has made a abig difference (I would guess, it's hard to have your own daughter so angry with you).

[malaise]

35. Anger makes no sense when people are seriously ill

You either abandon your baggage or carry it to your grave. Tell her daughter that she isn't perfect either.

[G_j]

41. true

my father and I had our share of tensions. When he became seriously ill, we both just let it all go.
None of those issues mattered, it was actually easy to let them go, because as you say, it makes no sense anymore.

[CTyankee]

49. Some people must blame. Her daughter blames her because her mom caused

the divorce from her dad. It was a screaming time...very bad...the other kids were not as affected.

[malaise]

55. But she should know that time has passed and

it's time to unload her baggage. That is her history not her present.

[proteus_lives]

56. It's real easy to tell others to get over it, isn't it?

[raccoon]

70. Her daughter may have very good reasons to be angry with her.

As one who had an alcoholic parent, I'd say that is definitely a possibility.

And in my childhood and youth, I heard from many people how wonderful my father was....made me want to throw up.

[Hekate]

30. Malaise, that is lovely, loving, and compassionate, as well as true...

Thank you for putting it out here. :hug:

Hekate

[malaise]

36. It's just a simple truth about

life and death Hekate. :hi:

[jwirr]

39. I hear the echoes of Jamaica in your truths. Thank you.

[malaise]

42. Probably

but everyone has baggage so we all need to decide whether we choose to carry a purse, an overnight bag, a suitcase, an airport carousel or a FedEx warehouse. The more anger we accumulate the more baggage we carry. We have a simple phrase here 'Ah so he/she stay and you een changing that'. It really is that simple. After a certain age, people are what they are, mistakes have been made and we either accept them as they are full of flaws like the rest of us or make our own load heavier to carry. Life's too short for that. Accept people as they are and get on with life. After a while people even see the funny side of personalities.
Shit - I can't count the drinkers in our families - so their livers feel it - so what...we love them, bury them and remember the good times.

[jwirr]

43. Yes, I listened a lot to my brother-in-law and he offered that calm

and comforting truths when my father died.

[malaise]

44. LOL

:hi:

[hootinholler]

32. Damn it!

You're gonna make me leak! My ideas were along those lines, but not nearly so eloquent.

-Hoot

[malaise]

37. I bet they were just as eloquent

:D

[varelse]

40. +1

[ShamelessHussy]

65. well said

My Mother just died of cancer this saturday, and she was only 67. My only concern was that she was comfortable, and knew she was loved.

I am still crying every time i think of her as I already miss her so much... but I know that she has no more worries or pain, and that she died peacefully in her sleep knowing that she was dearly loved.

I miss you so much Mom :cry:

[AuntPatsy]

71. Exactly what I was going to say but much more clearer...

[NYC_SKP]

8. My thoughts are with you, CTyankee. I'd like to say this:

For all her drinking, it seems she led a pretty productive life with volunteering and activity in the arts.

We all have poisons, foods for some, liquor for others.

As you suggest, alcohol enjoys great government cover and is a little too comfortable accepted in many segments of our society.

Be these things as they may, she seems to have had a decent life and we all make strange choices.

I quit drinking a few years ago, fearing I might become like her.

Now smoking will probably kill me.

Nonetheless, I try to be a good person and leave the world a better place.

I feel that your dear family member is a great person and has touched many lives.

Peace.

:hug:

[CTyankee]

20. Thank you. Peace be with you. nt

[Sparkly]

9. I'm very sorry. As you know, it's no time for recriminations now.

She is ultimately responsible. So for relatives to blame each other is bad enough, and maybe it deflects the anger and pain they feel about her. But I'd imagine it brings more suffering to her.

As for drinking, as I understand it, alcoholism knows no particular generation or age.

Sorry to hear you're going through this.

[CTyankee]

26. The blame was on her by her own daughter. I felt it was a little unjust.

In looking back on her life, I feel she was a victim of an addiction that she may not have had control over. I wish I knew more about this subject...

[raccoon]

72. I wish you knew more about what it's like to be an adult child of an alcoholic. nt

[niyad]

12. no words of wisdom here, either--just compassion and caring for you and your family. this is one

very difficult situation for all concerned.

please know that your DU family is here for you.

[CTyankee]

21. Oh, nyad, you bring tears to my eyes. This place can be so lovely and caring.

I'm sure we'll put this all together in the days ahead but right now I am remembering her as a young mother, with kids my kids age, laughing and really happy with life. All that happened later with her divorce was such a mystery to me and I kept in touch and visited...always with "happy hour" being just about any time...but with youth a vigor. Now this...well, it was a long time and we had lost touch since my divorce from her brother (altho I was honest about it with her and she sided with me). But she had written me last year about her very full life and I thought all was well, and now, seeing this complete rubble of her life, it is hard to take...

[happy_liberal]

14. The body has an amazing ability to heal itself

Dandelion, commonly considered a weed, is a fabulous tonic for the liver. Coffee also stimulates the liver.

In the words of NOFX "it's not the right time to be sober, now that the idiots have taken over" Sometime people just need a vice to get through these difficult times.

Has she tried mary jane, often found to relieve if not heal the symptoms of other ailments? It might help her give up alcohol and heal.

[CTyankee]

28. She has been told that the liver does not regenerate itself. What's done is done forever.

that's what makes her daughter so angry with her...

[Frank Cannon]

58. Actually, the liver does regenerate itself, to a certain extent.

But unfortunately in cirrhosis, the liver is so scarred up that it loses that ability.

Still, it's worth it to quit drinking at any stage. At least she may regain some mental, if not physical health and perhaps heal up those relationships, as well.

A lot of people blow crap on AA or Al-Anon, and they're right those groups may turn off the anti-religious, but there are thousands of different groups out there and the "group personalities" are all different. Keep seeking until you find what you need.

[CTyankee]

62. I don't know if AA is for her. It might be because of the fact that she lives in an

enlightened university town. She's been there a long time and doesn't want to leave her friends. I am of two minds about this. She could move to one of the places any of her 3 grown kids and grandkids live and get a fresh start, perhaps with a lively senior center. Or go into rehab where she is now...I don't see much success without caring people around, willing to help support her lifestyle change. However, right now there is so much anger, basically coming from one of her grown kids...I just don't know...

[mopinko]

15. metabolism of alcohol slows down with age. and people get bored.

my mom was a very moderate drinker all her life. 2 beer max. period.
but as she got older she started drinking cocktails more. less schlepping. then they got bigger. she started getting pretty sloshed at family gatherings.
we were told that it just got harder for her body to deal with the alcohol. we were shocked when her gall bladder started acting up in her late 70's, and testing showed her liver was going bad. it was pretty bad by the time she died at 90.

i can see how it happens. i struggle to take care of myself, and still think about the future at 55. 70? i think i will party however i can.

eta- she also gained considerable weight at the end of her life. she just didn't have that impulse control any more. she had few pleasures left, and chocolate was one of them. or any sweets. and it was easy to indulge her when so few other things sparked a connection. why not share that tasty pastry?

[Captain Hilts]

17. Drinking problems among the elderly are very common. nth

[Cleita]

27. If she lived till ninety, I'd say she died doing what she liked doing.

Look at it this way. Maybe the alcohol prolonged her life because she enjoyed the high she got from it. She might have died sooner from the boredom.

[mopinko]

54. there were no regrets.

the worst thing was losing her eyesight. she had cataracts, got one fixed, had some other health problems, and didn't get the other one done. her eyes went their separate ways. she could read, and she couldn't play cards. at that point chocolate and manhattans were it.
she had a long life, and many years after the kids were grown and the husband gone. she was happy.
in her shoes, i would go ahead and drink, also.

[Captain Hilts]

16. I'm sorry to hear of this. Sadly, your tale is a common one. You have company in this.

My sympathies.

[CTyankee]

29. Thanks. I shoulda known this might be a problem but I guess I shoved it aside

once all my family members were gone, including my alcoholic brother.

Evidently, she had been ignoring her doctor's warnings and continuing to drink. Then she got really sick, "barely moving" as her daughter described her condition before she was taken to the hospital.

I was so shocked by that description of her condition! How does this just "happen"?

[Captain Hilts]

50. I had a very dear relative who was a functional alcoholic. She eventually died

of some form of kidney failure at age 75. No doubt her drinking contributed to that. I'm glad she went quickly.

I now know two elderly women - friends' mothers - who have serious drinking problems. One's mother has been a lifetime heavy drinker, is a mean drunk, and is very self-destructive. It's a really, really ugly situation for her daughter. The other is 90 and, until recently, was drinking a full bottle of wine a day. At least she had the sense to check herself into an assisted living complex.

It's really, really tough. Take care, of yourself. Depression is contagious, so be careful.

[Divine Discontent]

22. words of wisdom - all I can say, is I visit an apt. building where it's 99% elderly residents

and they have drinking parties during the day every weekend. They actually push shopping carts full of liquor from their cars every few weeks. It's so shockingly disturbing. Prayers for the lady you mentioned...

[Forkboy]

23. Be there for her.

Forget the blame and finger pointing. Alcoholism is a disease, not a choice.

I grew up with an alcoholic parent. You can only so do so much. My only advice is to try to understand and support, even when it doesn't make sense.. :pals:

[CTyankee]

45. I does make sense to me because I see it as an addiction, not as a moral failure.

Other family members are all too willing to point fingers and I try to argue with them, not to much avail I must say.

Sad, this...

[Forkboy]

53. Pointing fingers is a waste, no matter who is right and who isn't.

Just assume that the person with the problem has their own reasons for it. You don't have to agree, just be the best friend/family member you can. You can't control what other family members or friends may feel, but you can always control what you think. The person in question may not always be right, but more often than not they have no one on their side. See if you can find a middle ground between what's wrong and what's right for friends/family and what's right for you. Not an easy task, I know all too well. The two don't always mesh. In that case give the benefit of the doubt to those who need it.

This post is no help I realize, but do take care, for both you and those you care about. This is a such a minefield...imagine being the one with the actual issues. I can speak from experience that this is no picnic for those of us on the outside. It's such a fine line between understanding and wanting to step in on behalf of someone. As someone on the other side of this equation, talk to the person in question and let them know that no matter how they come down on an issue that you care about them, and that you'll be there for them, even if you don't agree on specific issue. The fact that you even start a thread about this tells me you care a lot, and that alone can be half the battle. Again, I say this as someone on the other side of the equation... :pals:

[CTyankee]

63. Thanks, what a level headed observation!

It's just unpleasant to watch this unfold. Now my own kids are getting involved. I'm sensing some "holier than thou"-ness that disturbs me.

Do you know if places like, say, a "Betty Ford Clinic" work for ordinary people, or just movie stars?

[madmom]

24. If there is anything to say or do I am wondering also. Don't know if he would be considered elderly

but a VERY close family member (60 this year) is a heavy drinker. Has been for a long while. Did harder drugs when younger but now just a case of beer a day (yes a day). He was a good provider, retired now, kids gone. He knows he has a problem, but doesn't care. Doesn't do anything but menial tasks around the house. His dad died at around 60, they thought it was cancer, but when they decided on exploratory surgery, they just closed him back up without doing anything because his liver was shot. He lived just a couple more weeks. So what does one do with people like this?

[Cleita]

25. One of my aunts was a functioning alcoholic.

Her CB handle was related to a drink. (Uncle was a trucker.) Yet she was one of the sweetest persons in the world. No one but she suffered from her drinking when it finally caught up with her. She was almost eighty. I say leave her alone and let her doctors deal with her. At her age, it's really unimportant unless she's out driving while intoxicated or beating up her grandchildren.

[stuball111]

31. The Big Book of AA

Will supply you the answers. it IS a disease, and although recognized as such, it is still treated as a self induced malady. The fact is that most alcoholics have lost the ability to choose when it comes to drinking, their self will is practically non-existent. Try bringing her a copy of the AA "Big Book" and simply state that you care deeply for her, and ask her to read it, and that it might help her to decide for herself. Although the program suggests spirituality, NOT religion, as a solution to the problem, the choice is totally up to the individual.
A person only has to be "willing" to believe in a power greater than human power in order to recover.
The disease is two-fold, an obsession of the mind,which tells the alcoholic that it won't hurt them,and they can drink normally, and an actual physical allergy to alcohol that manifests in an actual physical craving once alcohol is consumed.
Have her read the chapter "The Doctors Opinion". and as for the family, there is a chapter specifically for them in the book. Women often succumb to this disease much sooner than men for some unknown reason, and usually find themselves deteriorating faster than men.
As for it being an under reported story these days, it is quite common, and certainly sad no matter what age the afflicted person is. The only other advice I can give is that if you are so inclined, pray for her.

[CTyankee]

48. Since I do not pray, I will hope for her.

I think at this point she would feel an AA manual would be like a bludgeon she wouldn't appreciate. Perhaps just a "hi, how are you doing?" kind of message with some warm thoughts.

Guess there is a reason she has isolated herself from her kids and grandkids but it seems to me she needs to be closer to one of her 3 children. They are all in New England, but of course she would have to give up her drinking buddies and I know that's part of the problem...

[hootinholler]

33. Do what you can to calm the finger pointing and no one's life is all for naught.

I'm sure she touched many in a positive way in 70 years.

-Hoot

[MercutioATC]

46. All I have to offer is a completely different way to view this situation.

It sounds as if this woman has lived a good life. She's remained active into her 70's and has participated in things that she felt important.

Alcohol use was part of that chosen life.


A life is a collection of experiences. There may be infinite number of opinions as to what makes a "good" life, but most would agree that it involves (at least in part) living life on one's own terms.

From the limited information you've provided, it sounds like this person has lived a "good" life. Rather than lament that alcohol use seems to be playing a part in ending her life, perhaps it's more appropriate to simply appreciate that alcohol was part of her "good" life.


We all die from something.

[Brickbat]

51. This is exactly what I thought when I read it.

It sounds like a good life. I hope people in your family find a way to let go of the blame. People who eat healthy and exercise die at 40 of cancer all the time.

[bemildred]

52. Anybody in their early 70s has an "uncertain future life".

This sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me.

[CTyankee]

64. Let me clarify my statement. I was thinking about my own mother who, in her early 70s

was travelling to Europe and Australia, being independent and having a good life. She didn't start to fail until her late 80s, went into assisted living at age 90 and lived to be 94, when she essentially gave up because everyone she knew around her had died and she lost her son, my brother. It was a crushing blow.

So I am looking at this woman from that perspective...and I guess it was an ungainly phrase, but I meant that she would not be able to live as full a life as she could have if she weren't struck down this way with her illness...

[proteus_lives]

57. This has left me conflicted.

Of course I feel sympathy for your family and your situation, that's not the question.

One major theme on this thread is "Oh, she's an old lady, just let her booze the rest of it away." Part of me agrees with that but I have my doubts. My 62 year-old father is a former drug addict/alcoholic. He's been paying the price for 3 decades of abuse mentally and physically. But his quantity of life wouldn't be any better if he was still abusing. Like your family he was always functioning. He was a successful businessman, athlete and community member while being a junkie and boozer. But it cost him his golden years, his health almost his family and life.

Drug addiction and alcoholism are diseases but they self-correctable. Your family member will have to choose, her addiction or what's left of her life. It sounds like it already cost her marriage and daughter. Is it a moral failing? I don't know about moral but it is a failing. They choose to start and they can choose to stop. I know a lot of people who made both those choices.

(In response to the responses up-thread that are saying the daughter should "just let it go" they don't have any right to judge the daughter. I say that as a child of addict. She has a right to be angry.)

Don't blame yourself, spread that to the rest of your family. Blaming others only makes the hurt worse. Offer to help the family member better her life, to slow down the drinking at the least. If she doesn't want to then prepare yourself for her inevitable end and hope she doesn't take anyone else with her. (Drunk driving, house fire, etc.)

[ThomWV]

66. I still have what was left of the bottle of Scotch that was found beside my mother

They found her passed out in a shower - it may have been running for a couple of days. The bottle, a 1/2-gallon jug, was still opened and laying on the floor I was told. Someone put the cap back on it - screw on. Like I said I still have the bottle.

I don't know the condition of her liver - but I do know that every other system in her body had shut down. She lived for another days, she was 61 years of age. She was no closit drinker, you could have seen her drunk any afternoon or evening of her adult life.

[pipi_k]

67. I don't think there is anything you CAN do, or say

I speak from the experience of having grown up in an alcoholic family and having been in marriages and relationships with active and non-active alcoholics.

It's all part of the disease, even down to the finger-pointing going on by friends and/or members of the family.


Right now I'm just sick over something similar happening in my own family (again). My brother, 40 years old (way younger than I am) is an alcoholic. He's been drinking for a long time, and only recently got sick enough to try to admit himself to a rehab program. They took one look at him and said, "You don't belong here...you belong in a hospital". Which is where he went for a few days just until he could detox and turn a more normal color. My son went to see him and said he was YELLOW. That means his liver is damaged...how badly, I don't know if I care to find out...I'm too scared to know.

His wife left him and took their two kids, which was very smart of her to do, I think. Although he's not physically abusive, he's been verbally abusive. He blames his wife for "breaking up the family". I love my brother but I don't blame his wife for leaving. She's giving him one year to clean up his act before she files for divorce. Which, considering how long they've been putting up with his drinking, is VERY generous.

Last time I spoke with my son, he told me that his uncle is still drinking. At least a fifth of vodka a day, if not more.

My brother's dad (who was not my father) died from kidney failure brought on by alcohol abuse. He was 44.

We're all watching his slow slide into what must be certain death if he doesn't do something about it, and we all feel horrible because we do not have control. We can only watch and hope he hits bottom while he's still alive and able to help himself.

It's the same thing with your friend. Alcoholics either get help, or they don't. It's sad enough without others getting into the blaming and finger pointing.

I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this. It sucks.

:(

[CTyankee]

68. My brother was irresponsible with his life, his career, his marriage.

While I can blame him for that, I can't blame him for his disease, alcoholism.

This woman did not let down her kids and her job. She has been a loving grandmother. But she has a disease.

Not getting the help she needs is as a result of her addiction. Without some very active help getting her into a rehab center, how do we expect everyone to deal on their own?

[surrealAmerican]

69. Her life was not "for naught".

If she lived well, and did good for other people, that's a life well lived.

True, she might have lived longer were it not for the drinking, but then again maybe not. We all die eventually. What we do before that needs to be about more than just our own health.