Could use some advice please, re: eulogy

[reflection]

I'm still kind of sitting here in a fog, so if I omit an important detail or contradict myself, chalk it up to nerves or whatever. I guess I'll give some background.

I'm 39. My brother was a few years older than me. He had been pretty sick for the last few days, and I was visiting him to see how he was doing. Obviously not well. He looked so bad I knew he had to go to the hospital. Long story short, he made it to the bathroom to clean up and collapsed. I thought he was in the shower but he only made it far enough to turn it on. After 15 minutes I went to see what was going on and found him. I worked him with CPR until the ambulance got there, but he was gone. This was about 22 hours ago. I can still taste him on my lips, or at least I think I can. I have strong emotions I'm dealing with about all this but I am boxing those up and putting them to the side for the time being.

I have to give the eulogy. I have never minded public speaking. I actually enjoy it. Not so much now, but what I'm trying to say is I'm not scared of a crowd. But I don't know what to say about my brother. I'll tell you about him as truthfully as I can, and you can remind yourself that he's not here to defend himself or tell his side. This is long, so stop if you don't want a long rambling read.

My brother was a very smart child. Through my formative years and up through say, sixth grade or so, he preceded me in every class, and each of my teachers told me I had enormous shoes to fill. My Dad left when I was 2 and he was 7.

When he was 15 he and his friends began to sneak beers from his friends' parents. Beers became multiple beers and became hard liquor, pot, cocaine, illegal prescription meds, all that. Whatever he could get. By the time he was 20 he was used up. The kid who was on track for a free ride to a prestigious college was a dropout and wicked hardcore alcoholic. Various DUIs and petty crimes bankrupted my family. Me, my sister, and my mom intervened as best we could. Rehab, turning him in to the police, taking his car keys, nothing worked. The best we were ever able to do with him was sometimes get him straight long enough to get the extended family off his case. My sister, myself and my mom knew better and would try to get him long-term straightened out. This was pretty much the pattern for his whole adult life.

The last 15 years, he drank in lieu of eating. He got no vitamins and wasted away to about 90 pounds. His skin was yellow and so were his fingernails. I found him utterly repulsive and could barely stand to look at him. I'm sure he knew it. He couldn't work because he was nearly blind, and every pity job someone gave him within walking distance was quickly ended due to some alcohol-related drama. A few women thought they could change him and emerged from the relationships emotionally damaged.

To sum it up, he was a joy until the age of 15, and he was a black hole after that. A user of love and resources that nothing worthwhile escaped from. He became a grotesque and tragic figure that no one wanted to be around. My heart literally is hurting right now for what he became. Such a waste. I'm so angry at him still and yet so sorry for being angry. I can't stop crying and I can think of a few bastards on DU who will probably come in with some snark. A big pre-emptive 'screw you' to you if you do. I won't acknowledge it with a reponse.

My mom and dad are in pieces and have asked me to give the eulogy. Of course I will. But I don't know what to say. I can't lie, especially to the people who knew him. I can't trash him with the truth. I know I have to cherry pick some memories from my childhood but it's not enough. I need help. Has anyone been through this? What do you say? After all he did and what he became he was still my brother.

[HCE SuiGeneris]

1. Be considerate of your parents and your own self. Tell the truth

about his potential and the tragedy that abuse of drugs and alcohol can wreak.

I am sorry for your pain. :hug:

[Morning Dew]

2. I'm so sorry for your loss, Reflection.

:hug:

[Vincardog]

3. First Speak no ill of the dead. Keep it short and sweet. Remember the SMART big brother who helped

you through the difficult times in your childhood.
Remember why those people reached out to help him and rejoice that he has gone to a better place.
Keep it short and simple.

[livetohike]

4. I'm so sorry for your loss

:hug: My sympathy to your family.

My Uncle passed away at age 53 - he was an alcoholic. My Dad asked me to say a few words at the funeral service (I was a teacher back then and the speaking part was not so bad). The thing is that everyone who came to the funeral knew my Uncle was an alcoholic and knew what a rough life he created for himself.

I just picked out the best things I remembered about my Uncle how he cared for my Grandma who was chronically ill, how he loved to cook (and turned me on to vegetarianism), how he borrowed all of my college textbooks to read because he never went to college and wanted to, how he would buy me a new dress from time to time...

So my advice, stick to the good things you know about your brother. The words will come.

[NJmaverick]

5. I am sorry

As for the eulogy talk about the first 15 years of his life. Talk about the good person he was then. You can then mention how drugs and alcohol stole that wonderful person away from you, but try to stick with the positive things of the first part of his life.

:hug:

[HereSince1628]

6. My condolences. Please, don't feel you must box up your feelings

Do what you feel you need to. If that means boxing your feelings that's fine.

But everyone will understand your feelings, particularly if they know your family.

You wrote that after all he did and what he became he was still your brother, I think you are on the right track for a very fitting eulogy.

Best Wishes.

[monmouth]

7. My heart aches for you and yours. That said, Google "Irish Eulogies" even

if you're not Irish. They offer some nice pieces, you can edit as suits your needs. I agree, keep it short and sweet, everyone who will be there knows the sad story and will be relieved by your uplifting words. The Irish know well of the "curse."

[Tesha]

8. You cared about him; it's likely others did too.

Speak to them. Remember, the eulogy is for the still-living to hear,
not for the dead.

Be honest, but not hurtful. Be brief.

And if you can manage it, be uplifting. Or at least
offer hope for the still-living.

And please accept my regrets for your loss of your
brother.

Tesha

[northernlights]

9. I'm so sorry for your loss

:hug: you have been a wonderful, wonderful brother. HCE is right...you must honor your brother, your parents and yourself with honesty. Addiction is a disease that robbed your brother of his life and much of his family's lives. What might have been -- for all of you -- had it not been for his illness.

[MUAD_DIB]

10. My greater family has had its share of substance abuse.

It is never easy to see one pass from that kind of life or to be pulled into it either.


It seems that you can focus mainly on who he was, what love you had for him, and forgiveness(?).

Sometimes people fall from their intended path and they are beset by their personal demons.

Perhaps the best thing to focus on is that he is no longer on that hard road and is at peace now.





I hope that my comments do not come across as preachy. I've lost 1 grandfather, 1 uncle, 1 aunt and 2 of their children to alcohol and substance abuse. It is a hard thing to accept, but in all of the cases their suffering is at an end.

[zonkers]

11. You will think of something. I think it is nice that in spite of all hs BS, you guys

never gave up on loving him, angry or not -- that is a beautiful thing. I think you'll do okay. It can be a short eulogy, don't beat yourself up.

[Mojorabbit]

12. Sending you a huge hug

As the anniversary of my father's death approaches this month, I have been in a reflective mode.
I do think some people are just to delicate to survive in the world as it is and perhaps he was one of them.
I agree with the others that concentrating on the good things you remember is best. The times before he lost himself.
I am glad you were there when he passed and that he was not alone. What a tremendous gift you gave him in the end.
Grieve and help your family grieve. That is the important task ahead.
The people who will attend the service will be ok no matter what you decide to say.
My condolences and hugs.

[Brickbat]

13. I'm so sorry.

If you and your family are OK with brutal honesty, you could do something like, "We all know about Brother's problem -- the lies, the abuse, the tragedy. I'd like to share some memories about the time before he became that person." And then you talk about some of your memories, and then you say something like, "Perhaps, after all we have been through as a family, we can look at his death as the death of the lies, the abuse, and the tragedy -- we can bury those parts of him, and remember him as we loved him." Or something.

I also think the last line of your OP would be a good last line to your eulogy: "After all he did and what he became he was still my brother."

Be good to yourself. You are going to process this for a long time. As the person who found him, do not hesitate to get yourself a little therapy or counseling if you think you need it (and maybe even if you think you don't).

[reflection]

14. thanks everyone

I have taken some real nuggets from these responses and am figuring out how to use them. I am so thankful for all advice and the pen is starting to move. I think it's going to be ok. Thanks again and I am going to let this thread sink now. :grouphug: to all