Obituary to an unknown neighbor

[tango-tee]

I live in a fairly large apartment building. Seven floors. Many elderly people, very quiet. The only children ever present are grandkids occasionally coming by to visit Grandma or Grandpa. Folks keep to themselves. To me, this had always been fine since I get up very early to leave for work, and once I get home from my job at the airport with jet engines screaming in my ears, I'd been happy to be enveloped by these peaceful surroundings.

Until this morning. Things changed. I'm off work this week, and this morning there was lots of noise in the hallway right in front of my apartment on the fourth floor. I went to check and see what was happening and found out that my next-door neighbor had died on New Year's Eve. There was a hired crew cleaning out the apartment, hence the noise.

I did not know this man other than having spoken to him briefly once in the two years I've lived here. And I did not know he had died. It seems he had a sister who visited every so often, and it was she who found him dead in his bed on New Year's Day.

There is a van in front of the building as I am writing this. A few minutes ago I looked out of the window, and the workers were hauling out a threadbare sofa, bedsheets and towels, pots and pans, a couple of bookcases, a small table and chairs. The remainder of a person's life. One of the guys had a cigarette break as the other men kept throwing various items on the ground. I have *seen* more of this person after death than I did in his lifetime.

To me, this moment feels as though I had been poking around in a socket with a knitting needle, and suddenly something went "bzzz". It was a wake-up call to look around, get to know neighbors, see if there is someone in need, even if it might only be a need to chat.

Seeing my neighbor's belongings hauled away, knowing the apartment will be cleaned and re-rented to people who will know him even less than I did.... no trace of this person left in the place, makes my heart heavy with sorrow. And it makes me feel ashamed for having cared so little.

Peace to you, Mr. Frank.

PS: Please forgive grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors as English is not my first language.

[gleaner]

1. I think you have beautifully defined ...

one of the things that makes death so tragic and final. Even if we didn't know the person well, when someone dies it leaves an empty space in our lives. I had two family members die last year within months of each other and it will take some time to live around the emptiness they left. A few possessions. Some words written in a journal when one of them was young. Always here in my mind, but nowhere in this world.

My sympathies to you. You did Mr. Frank proud. You wrote him a beautiful obituary that he might not otherwise have had, and you will remember him. Maybe you are the only one who will and that counts for a lot.

Your English is fine and you express your thoughts very well. Peace to you, too. And go gently, Mr. Frank.

[tango-tee]

3. Damn, I think I have something in my eye.

It's watering. Can barely see the monitor.

[madokie]

9. You too, huh

May peace be with both you and your neighbor.

Edit to add: Please feel welcome here with us. :hug:

[tango-tee]

10. I do feel welcome...

It is like finding a home for the spirit and soul. Solidarity across a continent and an ocean! Bless you and yours.

[gleaner]

17. Thanks for your response ....

I'm very touched by it. Welcome to DU. I hope to see your posts often. ;)

[ClayZ]

2. You are very sensitive.

It sometimes take this kind of pruning to make each of us bloom.
You have written a beautiful tribute to your neighbor. Thanks for posting it.

K and R

[tango-tee]

4. Thank you so much for your kind words.

This was my very first OP, and as soon as I hit "post" I went into a tailspin. Didn't think it would merit attention. Again, I appreciate your response so much.

:hug:

[Rhiannon12866]

5. K&R. Beautifully stated.

And a very important reminder for all of us as we live our lives. O8)

[eridani]

6. Your English is way better than my feeble assault on your language would be

This is heartfelt and wonderful, and a good reminder to reconnect.

[Festivito]

7. Good story, wonderful point, well said. Thank you.

We like to think that we pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps. But, we don't. We need each other.

Enjoy getting to know your neighbors. They're wonderful. They're awful. They're worth it.

[tango-tee]

8. So true. We need each other.

Peace and love to you and yours.

[babydollhead]

11. what you are feeling is our shared humanity.

My neighbor was a private and hidden person. We called him the Mole Man because he only came out during power failures. He was dead for 11 days before anyone missed him. It was the pizza delivery guy who noticed his usual Thursday pizza wasn't being ordered. 11 days. When his cousin showed up to claim the house, he thanked me for being a good neighbor. I hollered, "I Failed Him!!". how awful to die and have no one miss you. You will be a better neighbor now. Peace to you and welcome!

[Arctic Dave]

12. K & R

[bobbolink]

13. So beautifully written! Thank you so much for this wonderful, sad reminder.

I had a very similar experience of regret this holiday season.

Four years ago, I had met a wonderful Indian man while I was attending the Kings Day dance. He had served in both Korea and Vietnam, and we had a wonderful conversation. I asked him if he had ever been to the Vietnam memorial in northern New Mexico, and he said, no, he hadn't. I had been there recently, and went to my car and got out a postcare of the memorial for him.

Then the dances started again, and I went back to stand with the visitors. I noticed him periodically taking out the postcard and looking at both sides, then putting it back in his blankets. I thought how much he would get out of visiting the memorial, especially since they have a room for those who served, so they can look up those they served with. But, we hadn't even exchanged names, and I felt ...... awkward........ so, I didn't say anything more about it.

Later, I realized that I could have offered to take him there.... DUH!

Two years later I was back in the village, and went to the house where he had been sitting outside, and asked about him, and described him. They said they didn't know who it was.

He stayed in my mind, and I was really regretting my negligence.

This last summer, I met someone from his village, and described him, and she said, "That sounds just like B.H." So, this year I was able to be back for the holiday dances, and I went back to that house and again asked about him, and described him, and someone said, "That sounds like Uncle B.", and took me to his house.

He was very ill with cancer, but he remembered me. I couldn't even recognize him... no hair, and lost a lot of weight, and quite feeble. He said to me, "This cancer really has me down." I saw that there was no way I could ever even THINK of taking him to that memorial, and I was so consumed with regret. His family was wonderful to me, insisted I eat with them, and I drove away thankful I had located him, but very sad.

I met his son, and told him I was ashamed that I hadn't extended the invitation, and would that have been OK with him if I had asked to take his father..? He said they wished they could have taken him, and would have been glad for me to do so, and that he would have put his mother in my car with him, so they both could have seen it. Opportunity foolishly lost.

I went back to his village on Kings Day, having made a beaded snowflake for him to hang in the window, and went immediately to his house, and when I went in and asked for him (he wasn't in his chair), they called his wife, and she came to me and said he had passed away. She put her arms around me and sobbed, and we were both in tears for quite some time. She insisted I sit and eat, and she sat with me and we talked of him, and she shared so much with me, and showed me concern for *me*, even in the midst of her own grief. She introduced me to all the rest of the family, one by one, and also told me his Indian name, and its meaning. These people are soooo wonderful!

I went back to the dances, and I was so stunned I just stood.... I didn't even make it to the visitors area. His grandson, K., came up to me, and said, "Did you go to the house?" This is a highschool kid, but he remembered meeeting me before, and made the effort to come up to me. I tearfully said, "I'm so sorry.... he was such a wonderful man. You must really miss him." He said, "He was the greatest grandfather. It is such a shock." Then, he invited me to sit with the family! I was so stunned.... they don't even know me, and that is a real honor...they are so hospitiable! He put a folded blanket down for me to sit on, and I sat there, motionless because of being stunned, hardly even seeing the dancers.

B's wife came later, and when the dances finished, I went to her and asked her if it would be OK if I kept in touch with her, and she hugged me again and said "Please do.... do you have our address?"

I left in a daze.... feeling like I had really neglected an opportunity.

Friend Mary, when I was so sad that I had done this, said, "Maybe there will be another opportunity."

While driving the long way back, I realized..... His GRANDSON so loves his grandfather, and would probably really like to visit the memorial about the service of his grandfather, so I will extend the invitation to him and his grandmother.

That helps to feel a bit better about my neglect, but still.... it is a hard lesson to learn.

I'm grateful I got to see Mr. H. again, but so sad that I couldn't do something meaningful for him.

Regret really is the worst emotion!

[maryf]

14. Thanks, Bobbie...

The grandfather would possibly have been more pleased that his grandson was to see the memorial...While regrets won't always die, I hope you can also find some gratification in knowing you have made more friends, and touched more lives. (including mine) :pals:

This should be an OP.

[tango-tee]

19. Bobbie,

No words necessary other than

:loveya:

[maryf]

15. K&R

Epiphanies can come at any moment.

[bobbolink]

16. Unfortunately, we all have been told these "epiphanal" stories, yet

so many times we don't seem to actually learn until we fall on our faces ourselves.

Damn, I still feel so sad about missing the opportunity.

RIP, Uncle B!

[Shell Beau]

18. This just shows that the human spirit is alive and well (even though

in these times it seems otherwise). It is amazing how the death of someone we don't or barely know can hurt us. I am not sure if it reminds us of our own mortality, or we, as humans, just tend to be a caring group (for the most part). I hope your neighbor can RIP. Thanks for posting this.