To: 111th Congress of the United States of America.
From: Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.
Sirs:
Our agents among the mortal herd have brought to Our attention your
recent product entitled The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.
Therefore We now give you statutory notice of intent of proceedings to
be taken against the 111th Congress by the Many-Angled Ones.
With this suit We will show that the Health Care Reform act, and to a
lesser extent all of the range of products passed by the 111th Congress,
infringe upon the recognised "look-and-feel" of the Elder Gods, for the
following reasons:
o The current Bill is a crawling abomination from the darkest pits of Hell;
o No man can be in its presence for too long without being driven into gibbering insanity;
o A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal herd;
o Those who associate with it for too long develop common physical characteristics, to wit:
pale, clammy skin, bulging eyes, generally unkempt physical appearance, tendency towards
nocturnal living, change in diet to that which normal men do not eat (in your case tacos,
burgers and Jolt Coke; in Ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of Alien Gods);
o Mysterious tomes that purport to explain this phenomenon are reputed
to exist; they are bound in an unnatural substance and only available
at a terrible cost to the user.
o The for-profit Health Insurance range of products seek to utterly dominate
the world, and force all who dwell there to live in eternal damnation.
As you can see, Our case is very strong, especially when you consider
that most judges prefer not to have chittering things with tentacles
for faces scoop out their brains and eat them.
We hope that you will consider these points carefully and settle out of court, since it is
not Our intention to have your senior chairmen spend the rest of their mercifully short lives
under heavy sedation in a maximum security psychiatric hospital. After all, it was the Lords
of the Outer Planes who gave humanity Congressmen in the first place.
Respectfully yours,
pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D
(apologies to
http://cthulhu.org!)
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