I need your help DUers!!!

[PCIntern]

Mrs. Intern and I are having a disagreement...I have come to you to arbitrate...

To wit: I was raised to hold doors for those approaching once I've exited or entered a building. If the folks coming at me are somewhat elderly or otherwise infirm, I step to one side and hold the door for however long it takes for the entire party to pass through. It's what used to be called 'common courtesy'.

So, since no good deed ever goes unpunished, as we were leaving a restaurant last night, I held the door for three older ladies. The first two said "Thank you." to which I replied, "My pleasure", and I meant it. The third lady, and this has happened I-don't-know-how-many-times, said, "Are you the new doorman here?" And I replied, "No ma'am, I'm highly educated, have a well-paying job, and am simply being courteous to you." All with a smile upon my face.

This is in contrast to what I used to say when this occurred, which was along the lines of "NO, I'm not the DOORMAN, I'm just a schmuck who held the door for you." Or worse.

My wife tells me that I shouldn't get so upset about this comment: that it's just old-people's 'humor' and it's a way of engaging me. My contention is that the way of engaging me would be to say, "Thank you sir...what a beautiful night." or words to that effect.

Being a doorman is certainly a decent and honorable way to earn a living, but my holding a door for someone IMO, does not place me in that profession, and for some reason, I don't find it funny at all.

The question is: am I wrong?

I eagerly await your support/condemnation.



:thumbsup: :thumbsdown:

:popcorn: :popcorn:

[Spazito]

1. I have to go with your wife on this one...

I see it as a harmless joke as opposed to any kind of a slight. A response to the doorman comment could be "yes, but only for you!" I am sure she meant no disrespect to you at all.

[kickysnana]

17. Ditto :-)

[Lugnut]

50. I have to agree.

I appreciate it when someone holds a door open for me and I say so when it happens. I tend to be a smartass so the doorman comment might have come from me as a joke.

[emilyg]

59. +1

[Gormy Cuss]

2. I wouldn't want to call you wrong, but

your wife is right.
:D

[malaise]

3. I'm on your side

Let them know that common courtesy is not dead - all with the same good humor. :D

[BeatleBoot]

4. Gotta go with the Mrs

sorry.


;-)

[LWolf]

5. Listen to your wife. nt

[asjr]

6. Common courtesy is so uncommon these

days I sometimes do not know where I actually live.

[Ian David]

7. Are you a Person of Color holding the door for old white ladies? That adds a different dynamic, IMHO

[PCIntern]

11. No...white and Jewish

[peekaloo]

8. Try "No ma'am, it's part of my parole requirements"

with a wink, of course.

young people's humor.

}(

[Spazito]

9. LOL, I love that one!

It's perfect.

:rofl:

[PCIntern]

12. Tee-riffic!

thanks!

On edit: My wife wouldn't talk to me for a fortnight if I did that...but it is funny.

[lunatica]

10. What little old lady is going to insult you when you're being a gent?

Especially in this day and age when common courtesy is practically dead in the water. Women who are younger might be insulted by the courtesy because they just can't stand to be 'treated as if they're helpless', but little old ladies appreciate the manners and will acknowledge the deed. Sometimes with humor. If you respond with humor you might make an even better impression.

[malaise]

53. Be careful with that view

My best friend and I were on a New York bus way back in the 70s and we got up and offered two clearly elderly ladies our seats. One snarled at us "What do you think we are...old?" Well by then we were hooting with laughter at our bad luck. We got off at the next stop and walked down Madison Avenue.
Even now we tell friends about that experience.

[lunatica]

57. I hear that in New York City that's actually a polite remark

[CrispyQ]

13. I would just say, "No ma'am, I am not. Have a pleasant evening."

Or you might say, "For this occasion only, ma'am. Have a pleasant evening."

I've come to realize you frequently get unexpected responses to courteous actions. In this day & age, maybe they are simply surprised at any show of courtesy, or perhaps they lack social skills or maybe they're just being snotty. In spite of the responses, we should all be courteous because it's the right thing to do. Good for you holding the door for the women.

I don't think many people are taught common courtesy anymore. I was taught that when entering/exiting an establishment, the one entering should wait & allow those exiting to pass first, and it makes sense. Clear out the entry way before adding more people to it. But I hardly ever see people behave that way. They will either try to squeeze through the doorway while you are exiting or they just push forward first.

I call it positioning & in our society, we spend a significant amount of energy engaging in this pointless & often times, rude activity - on the road, in stores, wherever there are situations where people have to wait. There is no longer of sense of "waiting your turn." It's become "I want to go now so I'm going."

[Sal Minella]

29. Mental image here of * pushing past Clinton in the doorway of the new

Clinton Library. "Me First" from someone who had no recognizable leadership qualities whatsoever.

Bet I'm not the only one who flashed on that image during this thread.

I'm an old silverhair who frequently has doors held open, and I appreciate it and always smile and say "Thank you" -- with no attempt at humor, which is always too easily misinterpreted.

[Smarmie Doofus]

14. Cover yerslf: no eye-contact and a simple grunt of recognition....

... when ( if) thanked.

New York style. Never a fuss, never a bother.

Otherwise... it's a minefield.

[mdmc]

15. Don't let poor humor get ya down

and keep openin those doors!

[formercia]

16. Had you considered the old lady might be a Republican?

It's a mindset, way of living, a disease. A dying Race.

[PCIntern]

18. this has happened to me so many times...

that it's cross-cultural. Even my own extended family has done it to me. But that's another story for another day.

[formercia]

20. Next time it happens, demand a tip. n/t

[formercia]

27. I'm with you.

I don't suffer assholes well.

[Bryn]

19. As my mother's caretaker because of her dementia

She does say funny things that it isn't normal for her before she developed dementia at age of 78.

For example when we had snow on my deck she thought it was sand and kept asking me where I got beach sand in Arkansas! She didn't understand "snow". She has "modest dementia".

Your wife is right. Keep in mind that many elders do have developing dementia or have it already, they tend to get confused at times.

[PCIntern]

23. I understand your post and I'm sorry about your Mom...

but this comes from people of all stripes and ages...over the years I'd say it's happened to me more than 50 times...many more.

[varelse]

21. That was an impolite response to your courtesy

I can understand your irritation. Your reply to her was perfect.

[Paper Roses]

22. Chivalry is not dead. Thank you for being courteous.

Whether the 3rd woman was being stupid or trying to be funny, I'd ignore it and enjoy your day. Two out of 3...not bad.

[monmouth]

24. Your wife in this case is absolutely correct. It's just old humor and

shock at having a young man in this day and age being courteous and personable all at the same time. Your wife is very lucky.

[PCIntern]

26. I'm not that young...but I'll take the compliment...

...and my wife IS lucky. My best feature is my modesty!

[Fire1]

25. You don't get condemnation from me and I totally understand.

It's called, "righteous indignation," and somewhat appropriate in this case. People love to give children and old folks the benefit of the doubt, but imo, they can be just as stubborn and facetious as anyone else.:thumbsup:

[OregonBlue]

28. Your wife is right. It was an attempt at humor.

[ChicagoSuz219]

30. You're wife is the clear winner here...

...thanks for playing... ;-)

[liberalmuse]

31. I agree with your wife.

Sadly, it is so unusual to have someone open a door for you that perhaps they were a little taken aback - and sometimes people say things off the top of their heads in those situations. And older people sometimes crack what we younger ones think as corny jokes, LOL. As a female, I've just always held the door for the elderly or disabled - and for the latter I try not to do it so as it's construed as being condescending. I was thrilled to see my nephew and daughter doing the same, because IMO, it's good manners. They may be superficial, but they are important because it shows others that they matter, and are deserving of courtesy by virtue of being a human being. Oops, sorry, didn't mean to lecture. Need more coffee! Oh, and it was very kind of you to hold the door. These days I'm holding the door for everyone, even guys who are rushing to knock me down to leave, when several years ago I remember men holding the door for women.

[dmr]

32. "No, ma'm, I'm just being polite."

That's what my 20-yr old said to a woman at a local restaurant recently.

Even old women can lack grace when faced with kindness. She may have thought she was being funny.

My son says they can be smart-asses, too! He's right, lol

[scarletwoman]

33. Perform your good deed without getting wrapped up your ego.

If your ego bridles at an offhand remark it kind of cancels the unconditionality of your good deed, don't you think?

I like the suggestion from upthread that you say something like, "Yes, but just for you." -- accompanied with a broad smile.

A courteous action is an act of unselfishness. Remain in that state of unselfishness in how you respond to whatever is said to you.

In short, you wife is right. :)

sw

[donheld]

35. +1

[Carni]

34. I don't find "oldtser's humor" like that

to be very funny...

You can put my vote down for your side of the argument!

Smart asses, are smart asses...and I don't think being elderly makes them any more endearing.

JMO

[Fire1]

36. Amen! n/t

[Catshrink]

37. Close call on this one.

It all depends on how much energy you want to devote to it.

Question for you: I saw a news story about dentists seeing more teeth grinding and clinched jaws lately. The story attributed it to people's concerns about the economy. I went to my dentist for jaw pain (thought I'd need a root canal!) only to find him saying that's what I was doing (who me? I've never had this problem before). Just wondering if you're seeing a lot of this too.

[PCIntern]

39. Lots...AND LOTS!

[donheld]

38. She's just making small talk - it should be no big deal.

I've heard that many times

[Coyote_Bandit]

40. I'm not yet a senior

but I'm a working on becoming a gray hair. And I'm female. I always appreciate when someone shows me the courtesy of holding the door and I always smile and say thank you.

Had I overheard the exchange that occurred I would have thought less of both parties. It was poor taste to even suggest that your intentions were less than courteous. However, your own response was unnecessarily defensive.

You could have simply ignored the comment and not responded at all.

Or you could have granted the woman the assumption that she had a lame and dry sense of humor. Perhaps you could have responded with a wink and some comment designed to make her feel special. Perhaps even a funny or flirtatious comment to defuse the tension of the moment.

Unfortunately, courteous behavior sometimes requires indulging others or tolerating their boorish conduct. In doing so you take the high road and show your motivations to be pure (e.g., not for self recognition).

Was it really worth the effort and energy of taking offense and responding to her comment? Odds are you didn't know her and won't encounter her again. You extended a courtesy toward her that she either didn't recognize or didn't appreciate or didn't respond to in an appropriate manner. There was simply no need for you to defend yourself by acknowledging or responding to her.



Thank you for getting the door.

:smile:

[PCIntern]

41. Thank you everyone...much appreciated!

You're all great...

PC

[rug]

42. It's better than, "Hurry up, you wizened old bag."

[MrScorpio]

43. When an old lady calls you the "Doorman", that's just her way of funning you

Just take it all in stride

[Turbineguy]

44. I usually say:

"Officer in charge of standing by the door". It was something I picked up from my Naval Reserve days. I usually hold the door open for the next person, regardless.

[Edweird]

45. Eh, to me it sounds 'defensive' as well as belittling those that work for a living.

They know you're not the doorman. The fact that you find the question insulting tells me you hold those that you feel are 'beneath' you contemptible. Unfortunately it's quite common in these parts (DU).

[PCIntern]

49. No...

not at all...you didn't read my post entirely, or you're just automatically arguing a point which I already took into account. Either way, you're not being entirely civil yourself.

[Edweird]

58. Well,

you asked for an opinion, and you got one. My opinion is that your whole post is one big elitist rant. Basically, "I'm trying to do something nice and I get insulted by being called a doorman". Yes, I saw your cute little disclaimer, which comes off as essentially "Some of my best friends are ______".

Now that you have my opinion, you don't like it, so you proceed to inform me that my opinion is 'wrong'.

I'm not 'attacking' you, I'm telling you what I think. Which, as I recall, is what you asked for.
If I were being intentionally 'uncivil', you would know it.

[tom_paine]

46. I think your wife is right on this one. But won't condemn you for being a gentleman.

And yes, common courtesy does seem to be as archaic as an American goverment of, by, and for the people.

[prolesunited]

47. Acts of kindness

should be performed for *your* personal satisfaction and pleasure. Recipients are not obligated to respond in any way. And if their reaction does not live up to your expectations, the shame is on you, not them.

If your kindness does not come from your heart without expectation of reward or gratitude, they are not pure or worthwhile.

Your wife wins on this one.

[PCIntern]

48. OK...

You're broken down on the side of the road...I come to help you and drive you to a mechanic. You complain about my car.

Still feel the same way?

Just asking...

[prolesunited]

51. I think you are missing my point

I don't think recipients of kindness and generosity are absolved in any way of being civil, polite and kind. I would respond in a grateful manner, as would most, I'm sure. I don't think anyone should act in an unkind manner, regardless of the circumstances. Unfortunately, they to with increasing frequency.

HOWEVER, your act of kindness and willingness to perform future acts of kindness should not depend on the reaction of others. Their rightness and worth of such acts should stand on their own and be done with a pure heart, not out of expectation of a desired response.

BTW, your class-ism is showing in your analogy. Saying you are a doorman should not be viewed as an insult. Work and people have dignity that is measured well beyond the social structure. Asking if you were a doorman is NOT the same as complaining about your car.

BTW, I really do think you a kind and generous person from what you have posted here, so I really don't want to belabor the subtleties.

[Behind the Aegis]

52. Could always say, "Yes, I am. Tip please!" :)

[procon]

54. As I see it...

I'm an elder and I use that same expression. I suspect many of my age group do too, but I would never have imagined that the person who was so graciously holding the door, might have taken my benign quip as a slight intended to belittle or demean his unexpected kindness. Rather, from my perspective, such acts of forgotten courtesy are from a bygone era that I might only expect it from a "doorman" who was paid for such duty, but rarely from a passing stranger.

Listen to your Missus, my dear, she gets it. The next time some little old lady hands you the same old tired cliché, it's more than likely it's because she was pleasantly surprised... besides, it might be me!

And thanks!

[NuttyFluffers]

55. yeah, you're wrong. old people's humor is a bit more biting in its playfulness.

hey, when you get to that age, a lot of the personal censors go to the wind, because heh you don't have all that much time anyways, right? ... or so i've been told that's the line of thinking.

:hide:

[Missy Vixen]

56. Just because someone else has no manners doesn't make them right

I'm grateful when someone else holds the door for me, and always smile and say "Thank you."

Other answers are (IMHO) impolite.