I don't know why but tonight I need to get something off my chest

[Ohio Joe]

I did not know her very well, I only spoke to her once and that was on the day she killed herself. Right about four years ago, when I was still working at Nationwide. She came to my cube and just blurted out, almost yelling at me "Are you going to keep speaking up about how the new management is screwing this place up?" I was more then a little surprised. I knew who she was but we had never worked together, she had a reputation of being an excellent programmer but difficult to work with so I was unsure why she was seemingly confronting me as she was. I did not want to start any kind of argument with her and was unsure of what she was getting at so I just said "Yes". She started to cry a bit and said "Good"... and left.

To be honest, I was thinking WTF? It bothered me... but not enough to do anything.

She went home and swallowed a bunch of pills and died.

A week later I heard that she had not been to work. A lot of people were very worried about her yet management of Nationwide was telling people it was not up to us to go and check on her. On the tenth day all of us knew something was very wrong and several of us decided to go look for her... it did not end well.

I deny nothing.

I was high profile in objecting to Nationwide's change in direction. I did not know of her state of mind. I knew Nationwide's new management style was fucking with/and continues fucking with people and causing massive personal issues.

I was unable to stop it. It goes on.

I know her death is not my fault on one level but another part of me still feels responsible.

I'm gonna go have some hard drinks and a good cry for a bit.

[MadMaddie]

1. My friend take a deep breath and realize

that your co-worker probably had more issues than what was going on at the job. You had no idea of her state of mind.

I am saddened by your anguish and you may be suffering from a delayed response to the event. You should seek counseling if the event continues to plague you.

Big corporations don't care about employees, they chew them up and spit them out only to replace them with others.

Take care of yourself.

[roguevalley]

17. agreed, MadMaddie. You couldn't know. How could you? You didn't

know her. Those closer are probably feeling the same thing. But I think when people want to go its a miracle if they can be stopped. Her loneliness sounds old. She was going home and no one could stop her. Just remember her and she will hear you. What a sad story. I am sorry for both of you. Sometimes the world is just too hard for some people to live in. Take care indeed and just remember her.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear Ohio Joe...

I'm so sorry, sweetie...

My deepest condolences on the loss of your coworker and friend...

:hug:

[xultar]

3. I know it bothers you, it would bother me. It was not your fault, the fact that you and others

went to look for her does show that regardless of the company someone there cared for her enough to search.

That is something positive. Have a couple of hard drinks for me and a good cry is good for the soul. If you need to talk PM.

x

[havocmom]

4. Most of us will look away and hope things get better on their own

It takes courage to look back and remember.

We are a nation of too many who look away. You are a decent person that you made the effort to speak truth to power, and remember.

We need more decent people. Wouldn't surprise me a bit if what you just shared inspires some good people to do decent things more often.

[patrice]

5. Corporate Culture is the anti-Christ. Someone should write a book.

[Chulanowa]

16. I'm sure there's many such books

Maybe someone should read them, instead.

[patrice]

19. Maybe, maybe not and maybe the ones that are already written aren't the one that needs to be written

[Quantess]

6. I'm so sorry to hear it. But don't feel guilty or responsible.

You had no way of knowing what she was going to do.

You say this all happened 4 years ago?

[Demeter]

7. The Corporation is NOT Our Friend

with absentee ownership, the Corporation is as souless as slavery.

Nor is Government our friend, not now, maybe never again.

It is person to person, grassroots, where our strength and hope and salvation lie.

You have learned a hard lesson. Use it wisely and pass it on, as you have here.

[peace13]

8. Sad story.

Don't beat yourself up. You did the best you could and your answer to her question gave her comfort. We can't look back and change anything. Thank you for sharing this. I hope you can see that others support you and feel your pain and that you are in no way responsible for this sad event. Energy and love to you. Peace, Kim

[Mz Pip]

9. That's a tough one.

But hind site is 20/20. I think it's hard to act on things that are as vague as this. People get stressed, they get pissed off and to assume that everyone who crosses our path is in danger of harming thmeselves because they are difficult or go on a rant isn't fair. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to the 99% of the people who are just pissed and ranting.

The people who missed this one are the people who knew her best, who spoke to her on a day to day basis, her friends, her family. If they didn't see this coming and act on it, how could you? What, really, could you have done? And those close to her? What could they have done? People don't always leave a trail of huge warning flags.

There are things that come our way that have huge impacts on our lives. I know I have a few. If only I'd _________________. Fill in the blank here.

we don't have control over these things. It sucks and it hurts and we wish we did. But we don't.

Have a good cry. It helps. I know I have shed many a tear for things I have had no control over. For people I have not met. For pain I have not caused. It helps.

Take care.

[Warpy]

10. That's the problem with suicides, whether we know them or not.

We always wonder if there's anything we could have done, should have done.

It's even worse when we realize none of us is surprised.

[Bjorn Against]

11. I am so sorry, but realize it is most definitely not your fault

It sounds like she viewed you as an ally of hers, you were speaking out on her behalf and she wanted you to continue doing it. I am sure she would not want you to feel that you were at fault in her death, in fact she probably said something to you because she knew she was going to commit suicide and she wanted to let you know that you were one of the people she felt she had to defend her when her life was falling apart. You did not even know her, but you were on her side when she needed you. Your actions may not have solved her problems, but you at least tried and she obviously appreciated the fact that you were trying or she would not have said anything to you. It sounds to me that you did the right thing and she knew you were doing the right thing, don't give up hope because she clearly wanted to send you the message that she wanted you to keep fighting and you should keep fighting in honor of her memory.

[omega minimo]

12. You are a Real Human Being

:grouphug:

[HipChick]

13. sorry you went through this..Corporations are not looking out anyone else but themselves

[eridani]

14. Common to feel that way

If we hear of even a casual acquaintance committing suicide, many always wonder "Would s/he have not done it if I'd been friendlier?"

[Odin2005]

15. Corporations suck out people's souls.

[patrice]

21. and then they sell them both: soul-less body and body-less soul.

[mod mom]

24. + 1

[truedelphi]

18. OhioJoe, Sorry for your experience of this.

In a sense, her stopping by your cubicle is a tribute to you - you came across as someone who cared and who spoke about things.

Like others here are saying, what could you have done? You weren't a close buddy, and if her friends and family couldn't stop her, you couldn't either.

I spent some six or seven years as Buddhist, and part of the practice was that each and every individual that comes across your path each day is part of your family. And that is is good to deeply acknowledge everyone, and to help when you can. This sounds simple, but our daily lives run at a complex speed and as part of complex processes, so it is not at all easy to do.

And tonight as you spend some time having a brew, or two, you are honoring her, so that is good too.

[MrScorpio]

20. I once worked with a guy who blew his head off with his shotgun

He was assigned to my office temporarily, because of his troubling behavior in his own shop. I figure that they were trying to separate him for cause,

One day, he gave me a box full of books. He knew that I loved to read and we both talked about the issues of the day, Then one day we heard that he committed suicide. I looked at the box of books and put two and two together; he was planning this for some time.

By the way, I still have the books and I think of him all the time when I look at them.

[badgerpup]

22. Here's what caught my mind...

She came to my cube and just blurted out, almost yelling at me "Are you going to keep speaking up about how the new management is screwing this place up?"

She was handing you a torch.
......
I did not want to start any kind of argument with her and was unsure of what she was getting at so I just said "Yes". She started to cry a bit and said "Good"... and left.

YOU DID NOT DROP IT.

:hug:

[EnviroBat]

23. Hey Man, I have quite a few friends working there.

They always seem "burned out". Can you elaborate on the management style? It sounds scary to me.

[terip64]

25. You are in my thoughts. Take care of yourself.

:hug:

[fascisthunter]

26. sorry man

the fact you ned to have a few stiff ones and the need to cry a little, tells me all I need to know to say, I wish you well. We all are responsible to a degree... but remember, you had no idea how bad off she was. Take care.