Does anyone have any good repuke bashing jokes?

[dionysus]

My dad is looking for some to send to a freeper type who sends him the RW chain mail garbage, and I'm trying to help him out.
Thanks!

[Fresh_Start]

1. here's a harmless one

The Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Bush. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side

[dionysus]

4. thx

[Sean Shealy]

2. Three Republican Congressmen Are Walking Down The Street...

... when they pass by a legless vet and his son, holding a sign that reads: "Homeless. Need Help."

"Boy," says the first Republican. "Sometimes I feel guilty that we never served, when we sent those guys to war."

"Yeah," says the second, "And I feel bad for cutting vet's benefits so that we could get a tax cut."

"You bet," says third, sadly. "But did you guys check out the a*s on that little boy?"

[crikkett]

3. I'm not funny enough to pass on jokes...

What I do is send my pet freepers stuff to make their heads spin: the truth, in all its absurdity.

They go apoplectic.

[Javaman]

5. How many repukes does it take to change a light bulb?

None, none of the remember how.

Or

None, they prefer to stay in the dark.

[AlCzervik]

6. since freepers live in 1998 your dad should tell them to all buy Enron stock and

hold---go long-do not sell.

[Fresh_Start]

7. GOP succeeded in changing the tone in the White House

During the last administration the president was accused of infidelity and his brother was an idiot. Now it is the other way around." —Jay Leno

[madinmaryland]

8. Here are a couple....

The old priest lay dying in the hospital.

For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.

He motioned for one of his aides to come near.

"Yes father" said the aide.

"I would really like to see Tom DeLay and Bill Frist before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do father," replied the aide.

The aide sent the request to Congress and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived. DeLay and Frist would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, DeLay commented to Frist "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images."

DeLay couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took DeLay's hand in his right hand and Frist's hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Congressman DeLay spoke "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said DeLay.

"Amen" said Frist.

The old priest continued..."He died between two thieves. I just would like to do the same."

-----------------

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

[happyslug]

13. I first read the second joke about the a Polish Commissar in the 1960s

Probably is older than that, but that is the oldest version I have heard.

The Polish Commissar was being driven down the road and his car a pig. The Driver went to the Farmer's house and said "I am the Chauffeur for the Commissar, and I just killed the pig". The farmer then paid the Chauffeur for his good deed.

Many of the better jokes have been around for decades...

[dionysus]

14. good one! thanks

[happyslug]

9. Update the old 1992 Presidential Campaign joke.

Why is Jane Fonda a better Candidate for President then Chaney, Bush, Buchanan and Quayle?

A: At least she went to Vietnam......

[Arkansas Granny]

10. Not really a joke, per se, but I've always enjoyed this:

[HeeBGBz]

11. This one is a little lame

George and Pickles go to a restaurant.

The waiter comes up and asks Pickles, "What will you be having, M'am?"

Pickles says, "I would like a steak and baked potato."

Waiter says, "Very good, m'am, and your vegetable?"

Pickles says, "Oh, he'll have the same."

[Fresh_Start]

12. Family values

A local United Way office realised that it had never received a donation from the town's richest man & leading republican. The contributions manager cornered him after a Sunday service. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $50,000,000, you give not a penny to charity Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The republican mulled this over for a moment & replied, "First, did your research also show that my mom is dying after a long illness, & had medical bills that are several times her annual income?

Embarrased, the United Way rep mumbled "Um...no."

"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind & confined to a wheelchair? Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her peniless with 3 kids?

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the republican cut him off, "...So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!!!"

[lpbk2713]

15. Now take my anal retentive, green teeth, mouth-breather neighbor ... please.

[central scrutinizer]

16. not exactly a joke

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by the people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by the people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country - if they could find the time - and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by the people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country....or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped , minority, feminist, atheist, dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. None of these are read by the guy who is running the country into the ground.

[central scrutinizer]

17. here's another oldie - needs to be updated

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today

* Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for
your recovery.

* The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

* Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but
crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

* "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving
their jobs to India.

* A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.

* Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.

* The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

* Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run
for governor of California as a Republican.

* If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

* A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.

* HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at
heart.

* Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.

* Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

* Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a
bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

* A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands
die is solid defense policy.

* Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.

* The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

* You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to
adopt.

* What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest,
but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

* Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade
with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

More...

1. A balanced budget amendment is necessary to curb spending when we have a
Democratic president, but when Republicans control the White House and
Congress, they should spend money like a drunken sailor, repeatedly cut
taxes, and run up the largest budget deficits in history.

2. Bipartisanship is a good thing unless the Republicans control the White
House and Congress, in which case the Democrats are useless appendages who
need not and should not be consulted on anything.

3. It is sleazy and disgusting for the Democrats to try to derive any
political benefit from September 11 (for example, by suggesting that maybe
it wouldn't have happened if Dubya had paid attention to the memos he
received, or hadn't taken that month-long vacation right before it), but
fine for Republicans to do so (for example, by selling a 9/11-related
picture of Bush, and scheduling their convention in New York City as close
to 9/11 as possible).

4. Democratic criticism of the Bush administration for lying us into the
war with Iraq, and for failing to provide for what would happen after we
deposed Saddam, is unpatriotic and exhibits a lack of support for our
troops. Opposing sending our troops to be killed and maimed in Iraq, or
trying to bring them home so that no more of them get killed and maimed,
shows lack of support for our troops. Republicans cutting pay and benefits
for troops, their survivors, and veterans does NOT constitute not
supporting our troops. Bush never going to a dead soldier's funeral does
NOT constitute not supporting our troops.

5. Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks, but the 9/11
attacks required us to depose him.

6. Fifteen of the nineteen September 11 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia.
None were from Iraq. It was therefore imperative that we go to war with
Iraq. Saudi Arabia is our friend.

7. Osama bin Laden was behind the September 11 attacks. Therefore we had to
send his siblings, and other rich Saudi Arabians, home immediately after
September 11 without questioning them. By the same token, John Ashcroft had
to round up all the Muslim cabdrivers and convenience store employees in
the land and hold them incommunicado for months without bringing charges
against them.

8. It makes sense for George W. Bush to announce shortly after September
11, 2001 that we will capture Osama bin Laden dead or alive, and then on
March 13, 2002 to announce that we don't know where he is and don't really
care. Since we knew where Saddam Hussein is, it was appropriate for us to
capture him dead or alive instead. Or not. Whatever.

9. It is fine for Republicans to stop 60 of President Clinton's judicial
nominees from ever receiving a vote in the Senate. If the Democrats prevent
4 or 5 of Bush's judicial nominees from receiving a vote, that is utterly
unacceptable, indeed unconstitutional.

10. If President Clinton engages in military action against Osama bin Laden
while the Monica Lewinsky scandal is unfolding, that's obviously a "Wag the
Dog" tactic and Republicans should call him on it. If Democrats question
Bush's war with Iraq in any way, that borders on treason and cannot be
tolerated.

11. It is fine for Republicans to hurl accusations of horrible crimes,
including mass murder, at a Democratic president. It's a free country. But
if a singer says that she's ashamed that the Republican president is from
her state, that borders on treason and cannot be tolerated.

12. As Governor Bush said during the 2000 campaign, we should not get into
a war unless we have a clear objective and a clear exit strategy.
Nation-building is bad. But if the war is in Iraq, disregard all of the
above.

13. Clinton war in Kosovo resulting in 0 American deaths -- BAD. Bush war
in Iraq resulting in 2,500+ deaths so far -- GOOD.

[KamaAina]

18. So Gates is giving the pResident his daily briefing on Iraq...

...oh, screw it, how about this one:

Bush** walks into a bar and says,

"Ow!"

[Bitwit1234]

19. My brother sent me a good one about a republican and a balloon

but damn I just can't remember any of it...I am going to go back to my emails and find it.

[gratuitous]

20. Bush is out on his own one day

Scary thought to start a joke, but stay with me. He encounters a little boy, who is trying to sell a litter of puppies. Bush engages the little entrepreneur, who tries to entice Bush into buying one of the puppies, but it's no sale. The little boy even says, "But Mr. President, they're Republican puppies!" Bush declines, but continues to think about the little boy.

The next week, he's being visited by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. Knowing their love for pets, he invites them on a little walking trip, thinking that he'll get them to buy a Republican puppy. The three of them find the little boy, still with his box full of puppies. Pelosi and Reid are enchanted, and the little boy clinches two sales when he tells them that they're Democratic puppies.

Bush, confused as usual, interrupts the transaction and says to the boy, "But last week, you told me these were Republican puppies!" The little boy doesn't miss a beat and says, "Oh, that was last week, when their eyes were still closed. Now their eyes are open, so they're Democratic puppies."

[happyslug]

31. The first reference I read about that joke was the 1860 election

It is AN OLD JOKE. I read it is a book about Presidential elections. One chapter per election, with the last section of each chapter a section on jokes from the Election and this one was in the section for the 1860 election. Here is another from the election (From memory):

A couple were married, and as they prepared to go to bed, the Husband announced he was a Republican. His wife kicked him out of the house. The next night he tried again and she refused to open the door, the third night he said "I come as a mightily contrite Democrat".

One of the best quotes was one on race in 1860:
"The American People will never elect someone President who spells Negro with two "g"s (About the Southern Breakaway Democratic candidate).

[Beausoleil]

21. Not really a joke, but funny!

"If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we'll stop telling the truth about them." - Adlai Stevenson

[happyslug]

32. Truman response when someone said "Give them Hell Harry"

"I don't give them hell, I tell the truth and that is worse then hell to them". (Paraphrased from memory).

[BuyingThyme]

22. There's a brazillian of 'em.

[MikeE]

23. Here's a riddle

What do you get when you have 32 republicans in a room together?

A full set of teeth.

[meldroc]

26. You hear that the George W. Bush Presidential Library burned down?

It was a total catastrophe - they lost both books, and he'd only finished coloring one of them.


Here's another one.

George W. Bush was driving through Texas, and along the road, he saw a restaurant with a sign saying "LOBSTER TAIL AND BEER". He immediately pulled in, saying "Those are my three favorite things!"

[TlalocW]

24. Mine

W is feeling the stress of the job and decides as he hasn't had a vacation for at least a week, he decides to disguise himself and sneak out away from the Secret Service for a stroll.

He walks around DC and comes across a comedy club and goes in. The headliner is a ventriloquist whose whole schtick is nothing but George W. Bush jokes. After 10 minutes of listening to everyone laugh at his expense, Bush stands up, whips off his disguise, and yells at the stage, "Listen, I'm George W. Bush, the president of the United States, and I think I deserve a little more respect out of you!"

The ventriloquist is shocked and looks abashed and begins to stammer out an apology.

Bush interrupts him, yelling, "I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

TlalocW

[Igel]

25. Perhaps you could modify some viola jokes?

http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/viola.html

Why do violists have pea-sized brains?
Because alcohol has swelled them.

What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub?
Vegetable soup.

Why did the violist marry the accordion player?
Upward mobility.

Why do you always bury a viola player three feet under?
Because deep down they are all very nice people.

How do you keep a violist from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche?
Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.
(What are the three positions of the viola?
First position, emergency, and defeat.)

How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.

If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?
The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.

You get the idea.

[B Calm]

27. HOT AIR BALLOON He will like this one

HOT AIR BALLOON

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted
a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're 840 feet above sea level.
You are at 31 degrees, 14.29 minutes north latitude, and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes
west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "YOU must be a democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

The balloonist answered, "Everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I am still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "YOU must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise that you have no idea how to keep, then you expect me to solve
your problem. You're in exactly the same situation you were before we met
but, somehow, now it's my fault."

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

28. Bush, Cheney and Gonzo are stranded on a desert island,

no food, no water, no hope of rescue.

Who survives?

We do.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

29. Another Adlai Stevenson quote:

Adlai was out campaigning for the Presidency and a woman ran up to him and gushed, "Mr. Stevenson, you've got the vote of every thinking American."

Without missing a beat, he said "I'm sorry, ma'am, I need a majority."


TRUE STORY!!

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

30. A Republican and a Democrat go bear hunting.

Note: This is not a Cheney joke. It started out as a story about two guys from IBM, a salesman and an engineer.

When they arrive at their cabin, the Republican says "Okay, you unpack while I go get us a bear."

The Democrat is a bit annoyed at this, but what the hell, there'll be plenty of hunting for both of them later. So, while his buddy heads off into the woods with a rifle, he unpacks their bags and sets up the cabin.

A couple hours later, the Democrat is finished unpacking. The cabin is swept out, the pantry is stocked, the gear is put away, and a pot of coffee is on the stove. The Republican still hasn't come back.

The Democrat is sitting on the cabin's front porch when suddenly he hears load roars coming from the forest. He looks up to see the Republican running towards the cabin. Right behind him is a huge, ferocious grizzly bear. It's seven feet tall, packing razor-sharp claws and teeth, and mad with hunger and rage.

The Republican is running for his life, and the bear is right behind him. "Open the door!!!" the Republican screams.

The Democrat quickly flings open the door to the cabin so they can hide from the bear, but at the last second, the Republican steps aside. The bear runs into the cabin, and the Republican slams and locks the door behind it.

The two hunters stand on the porch and listen while the furious bear demolishes the cabin's interior. As the bear starts battering down the door from the inside, the Republican turns to the Democrat and says:

"Okay, that's one. You skin it while I go get another."

[JNelson6563]

33. Yeah, I know ten of 'em

They're all on MSNBC right now. :toast: