My brother came out to me last week and I was heartbroken...

[archiemo]

because he was nervous about telling me for fear of my reaction. It broke my heart thinking that he worried one iota that his being gay would make me think any less of him. We had a long conversation and I made sure he knew in no uncertain terms that I loved him with all my heart and only hopes that he finds someone that is deserving of him.

He's 40, divorced with 3 kids and has struggled internally with this for a long time. He was ecstatic after our talk.

[WilliamPitt]

1. (((HUG)))

[theFrankFactor]

81. +1

[SusanaMontana41]

96. What a lucky guy to have you as his sister.

Way to go! All my love to both of you!

(I posted this in response to the OP, but it's nice to see you, too, Frank!)

[KansasVoter]

2. +1.....what a neat story!

And you should have told your brother you belonged to the DU, then we would have understood! :-)

[supernova]

3. Aww, hugs to your brother and you

:hug:

[DURHAM D]

4. Speaking from personal experience -

if just one family member is supportive it can/will change the entire family dynamic over time.

Thanks.

[seabeyond]

32. wrong place. nt

[MadMaddie]

45. Ditto!

[Duval]

53. This is so true!

[msongs]

5. hope he's not in our military defending the nation against...foreign bigots lol nt

[babylonsister]

6. Nice! I'm sure he's glad he confided in you and wishes he'd done

it sooner. :hug: to you both!

[closeupready]

7. It's understandable though. I know people who have come out to their families and were disowned,

rejected, alienated, even after many years.

[goclark]

8. What comfort you gave to him ~ :Hugs for both of you

[Dappleganger]

9. I'm glad things turned out well.

He's lucky to have you to hang on to! I remember when my best friend in high school came out to me (we grew up together like brother and sister) and he was very nervous too, even though he admitted that he knew I would be ok with it. It's just that when you are close to someone it's hard to take risks sometimes.

:hug:

[proudohioan]

10. Here's ((HUGS)) to you both....

and may that weight finally be off his shoulders!

:hug:

[xchrom]

11. Recommend

[LiberalAndProud]

12. Good for you.

I'm sure it means everything for your brother.

hugs for both of you :grouphug:.

[sinkingfeeling]

13. Absolutely perfect!

[olegramps]

14. I am glad that you were there for your brother.

Too bad that so many so-called Christians forget that Jesus taught that everyone is our brother and sister. It must be terrible feeling that you will be alienated by your own family.

[Not Me]

15. Nice.

He's a lucky guy to have you at his side.

[Junkie Brewster]

16. That's got to be tough

I'm glad his fears were unfounded, but it's understandable why he might have them- coming out as gay is difficult, especially when you had a hetero marriage and children. I hope his children are as understanding as you have been. And congratulations to your brother for having the courage to tell the truth about his life.

[jotsy]

17. I'm sibling to four people I don't even know how to get a hold of anymore.

Our issues are nowhere as near as dynamic is that, yet the challenge of healthy interaction eludes us. Stories like yours make the warm heart outweigh the envy I might be otherwise tempted to let flourish. Thanks for sharing and best to you both.

[Left coast liberal]

18. Now, THAT is what real family looks like. :-)

[TorchTheWitch]

19. were you surprised?

Or did you already know? Years ago when my oldest brother finally came out to us we'd already known for most of his life. I have no idea how we knew, we just did. It was kind of funny because he was so nervous about it and we were all like, "Yeah, so? We've known this forever. Now, are you having scrambled or sunny-side-up?" He just couldn't believe that we all had known already for so long and it never mattered a damn to any of us.

[archiemo]

27. I actually was.

When we were in high school I had a "joking" suspicion (never dated) but as time went on, marriage, kids, etc, I didn't really have much reason to think he may be. So yeah, I was a bit surprised.

[TorchTheWitch]

29. I could see how the marriage and kids would have been confusing

My brother never even seemed to date women at all. He had lots of women friends but there never seemed to be anyone woman he was dating. That probably had a lot to do with why we just knew.

It's wonderful though that you are not only accepting of this but made it clear to him that it really doesn't matter. I can't imagine anything worse than being rejected by family.

[AnArmyVeteran]

43. I bet you will always remember the day of 'his talk' and treat it as 'independence day'.

Good for both of you. What a beautiful moment to share. And it is fortunate to have such a great sister.

[mainer]

20. This has happened to me several times, with friends and family

A number of people have come out to me, and for all of them it seems such an agonizing ordeal for them, even though they know I'm liberal and a gay rights supporter. So just imagine how horrible it is for them to come out to a conservative friend or family member.

[AllyCat]

21. What a relief for him to know you are there for him.

I've just recently had a friend tell me she is starting gender reassignment. Most seem accepting, but he has not contacted his family and I can't imagine that stress. Family must be the hardest group to talk to. I've been thinking of looking into PFLAG...is that anything you've looked at?

[archiemo]

25. No, I haven't but will take a look!

[monmouth]

22. I love stories like this. I'm glad for him and his one less struggle..n/t

[BlueIris]

23. Congrats to your brother for finally taking that step.

Hopefully it will help him feel happier/more self-actualized.

[left is right]

24. I thought you were going to say that he was a winger

and that was the cause of your being heartbroken. I am glad to hear that you were able to share your unconditional love for him. You are both better men because of this conversation

[southernyankeebelle]

26. Good for you. It is sad that this man had to hide in the closet. I am sure his children will

continue to love him too. We need more people like you and me who stand up for the people that are in our lives.

[devilgrrl]

28. What a nice sister you are!

:hug:

And for your dear brother :hug:

[Soylent Brice]

30. good job sis!!

K&R

[fascisthunter]

31. I Don't Blame folks for Feeling Scared or Ashamed to Come Out

I just support their decision to do so, because it's the only way to cure pewople's warped perspective on homosexuality.

Look how this country treats those of us who are gay. Growing up, all you hear are derogatory slurs about kids being effeminent or tom boyish, just because they don't follow the male or female stereotypes. You don't even have to be gay to be labeled as one, because we live in a bullshit macho society with shit for brain bullies in positions of power and influence.

[seabeyond]

33. *sigh* hubby's family, two brothers gay, came out 16 yrs ago

they were embraced by the family. time went by and any family get together nothing was said, they never brought boyfriends. our kids are growing up and not aware. finally i asked, .... why is it openly hidden? why isn't it just a norm. about 5 yrs ago i finally got the two brothers together and asked if they were bothered me telling my kids. secrets... lying to me. they were concerned but ok'ed it. my boys took it fine and glad to know the truth.

still, openly hidden.

(sorry for the back story)

a month ago we went to SF where the youngest brother lived as a family reunion. he finally introduced us to his boyfriend. my kids knew they are gay, but the other nieces and nephews didn't. 15, 12, 8. this brother threw a party at his house last day and invited his friends. gays, straights mixed.

i had SO much fun. the rest of the family stayed separate as they tried to appear relaxed.

the other gay brother, (totally unemotional), grabs me and takes me to another room. he has more emotion than i have seen in the 16 yrs combined. he is ecstatic, saying he cannot believe this ever happened. he thought party a bad idea. he worried about everyone and reaction. he could not believe this day ever came, happened.

i asked him, why the hell they didn't do it way before. why it was so quiet. why they did not allow the kids to grow up in this environment. the opportunity lost for our kids.

couldn't penetrate his thinking on this. his concern in health and development of nieces and nephews

my boys and i talked about it after wards. my oldest said by the family behavior, was condemning gays, not protecting. they made gay out to be wrong, because of the behavior.

but a month or two later, i still think about this brother in law and the feelings that came from him.

i am sad he didn't have faith, or trust

and i am happy that the day came for him to truly see acceptance.

something to be aware of

[Divine Discontent]

66. interesting POV, thanks for the input!

[TexasObserver]

34. Good. It's very important to give full support to anyone coming out.

[Richard D]

35. I was terrified from the title of the post . . .

. . . that your brother had come out and revealed he was a republican.

[SocialistLez]

47. I thought that for a minute. That would break any decent person's heart. NT

[archiemo]

54. Gay..no problem....Republican...HUGE PROBLEM!!!

[caty]

55. Rethug?

That would really have broken my heart.

[AlbertCat]

36. How lucky he is!

I told my sister when I was 40... and she just looked at me sideways and asked "Are you sure?" :eyes:

And she doesn't want to hear any more about it.

Never told the parents. They would have just been even MORE disappointed in me and treated me more like an unwelcomed guest than they already did.


Ahhhhh.... the loveless marriage and family! It's a WASP tradition!

[whathehell]

76. Maybe, but in case like this, how do you think the "unloved" wife feels?

[eagertolearn]

82. Yes I'm pretty sure my grandfather may have been attracted to men.

He had a life long friend who he always bought a boat with and spent ever Sat. with sailing. My grandmother committed suicide at age 52...so I always wondered. The other guy was married too but.... My grandpa spent about 6 years shipped away to a boys boarding school while growing up....I bet there were a lot more of those types of arrangements especially with the preppy formal conservative types like my grandfather.

Good to see your brother felt comfortable to share. One of my daughters (male) best friends growing up always was at her birthday party sleep overs (25 girls and 1 boy). None of the girls parents were ever worried and we all knew but he didn't come out until his first year of college. We live in a very conservative community and at one time he was starting to be harrassed at school (sugar put in the gas tank) but he stayed out of everyone's way and was careful not to be that "out there" about it. His parents always told him to be who he was and gave him the support so he knew what ever he "decided" they loved him. We love him like a son and we're so glad he survived here.

[Deep13]

37. Good for you. nt

[poverlay]

38. I'm happy for him. That's as it should be... n/t

[tallahasseedem]

39. What a brave soul...

I am so happy to hear that he will be able to be who he is and have such a wonderful and supportive sibling by his side! :D

[AnArmyVeteran]

40. Good for you and your brother!

What a nice story to share. All of those fears bottled up for so long. And now he's free. What a weight must have been lifted off him. And he has a wonderful & supportive sister too...

[glinda]

41. Rally support around him and hug him tight....

[Tailormyst]

42. It's scary to tell anyone

Even if you know they are for equal rights. You just never know if they might change even sub consciously towards you.

Thank you for being such a great brother to him.

[MadMaddie]

44. Thank you for being a loving and supporting sibling.

I can tell you first hand that when you are able to tell someone/anyone in your family a huge burdon of guilt for lying and hiding is lifted off of your shoulders. Your brother got to control is outing to you and that is very significant too.

Hugs!
MadMaddie

[CLANG]

46. AWE-FN-SOME!!!

:grouphug:

[tpsbmam]

48. Have to tell you the best coming out story I've heard yet.....

My friend's brother is gay and came out a fairly long time ago to his mother (we're in our 50's now). They were in the kitchen of her house and he told her. She began keening, wailing & fell to the floor. He was taken aback by her reaction, needless to say. She then let out with "Thank God! I thought you were going to tell me you were a Republican! I know you're gay, for God's sake. Just glad you feel comfortable enough to tell me." LOL And she gave him a big hug & lots of love.

Hugs to all of you and so glad your brother is starting to find his footing and now knows that he'll find acceptance & love in your family.

[nickinSTL]

75. LOL! that's great!

Got to say, if someone I cared about came out as gay, I'd be completely fine with it - but Republican? I don't know if I could accept that.

[ckimmy57]

86. OMG

I was so thinking the same thing...

[myrna minx]

49. A *hug* to you and your brother.

:grouphug:

[liberation]

50. This is what humanity is all about: loving someone for who they are, not for who we want them to be.

I hope your brother can be openly who he really is finally. Living 40 years pretending must have been a harsh reality to go through. No one should suffer through their lives, because they have to comply with the arbitrary standards and expectations of a bunch of assholes who don't know them personally (nor care for them to begin with).

I am very glad to share this planet with people like you! And I truly hope with that incredible weight off his back, your brother can finally extend his wings and live his life happily in his own terms.

[Rex]

51. You are an awesome sister!

Thank you for sharing that, you rock!

[Touchdown]

52. Congrats to your brother, and a big hug to you.

Never let him go back in.:hug:

[Toasterlad]

56. Awesome. Coming Out Later In Life Takes Amazing Courage.

I'm delighted that you made it clear to him that your feelings for him haven't changed.

You might suggest that he find a gay community center in or close to your area, in case he has trouble adjusting to being out.

[lovemydog]

57. beautiful

Thanks for sharing. I love happy stories. All the best for you and your brother.

[sellitman]

58. Why is it DU attracts such great people?

Welcome! Props to you and your brother!

[cliffordu]

59. K&R. You're the best.

And so is your brother. Lotsa courage in this land of hate and stupidity.( not yours, obviously...)

:hug:

[ChickMagic]

60. Big hugs to you both

I can't imagine the agony your brother has gone through coming
to terms with himself. This isn't the same, but I went through
hell coming to terms with my atheism and took me half a life
to do it.

You are a great brother to him so this is for you: :loveya:
Keep on being great to each other - it's what makes the
world go round. And like you said, I hope he finds love
with someone deserving of him.

[political_Dem]

61. I am very glad it happened. I wish you all a lot of luck embarking on this new ground.

[BrklynLiberal]

62. You and your brother are very lucky to have each other....

[cherokeeprogressive]

63. Good for you! I went through the same thing with my daughter.

She came out to me in a text message a year and a half ago in a text message, after hemming and hawing about how she had something she needed to tell me.

When she finally got around to it, my response was "Thank God, I thought you were going to tell me you dropped out of school or something". My phone rang ten seconds after I sent that reply, and we both cried for a while.

[handmade34]

64. hug your brother for me

[Divine Discontent]

65. my brother was very loving to me also... I'm so glad you were the same!!!!

:hug:

[tbyg52]

67. Best wishes to your brother!

:hug:

[unabelladonna]

68. when will the day finally come

when people can acknowledge who they really are without the guilt and shame?

[dixiegrrrrl]

69. I went thru same thing with my dear brother.

It still hurts me, years and years later, that he had been so fearful.

You might want to check out PFLAG,

http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=803

[JitterbugPerfume]

70. ((hug))

[npk]

71. Good for your brother

Everyone should follow their heart and find happiness.

:grouphug:

[KansasVoter]

72. Your brother is a lucky guy!

[Fearless]

85. +1

[SoapBox]

73. Best you can do is lots of hugs and support...

You sound like you did well.

I never really "came out"...it just sort of came out, bit by bit...and no family has asked. I don't
think that it really matters to my family at all. I try to do good...help take care of my Mom...contact
my Aunts and Uncles (they are all in their 80's) occassionally and just do things right.

Just be there for him...smile...and like I said, hugs and love. He now has to learn a whole new
life for himself...support and talk...dinner and caring.

:)

[defendandprotect]

74. Wonderful --- and how sad that religious teachings could so destroy families in the past!!

By setting parents against children --

Homosexual children shunned and pushed out of their homes!

[MindandSoul]

77. I'm so glad you received this news with love and understanding!

It can be a shock. . .especially when you have always thought of a loved one as a family man!

But you are entirely right, it doesn't change him. . .and actually, I think your relationship can be closer, more accepting and more loving now!

Hugs for both you and your brother!

[jennied]

78. *tearyeyed*

[Politicub]

79. Hugs to you :)

And KICK for unconditional love!

:kick:

[Saphire]

80. Same here...only 30 years ago. My sister asked much the same

thing and my answer was a resounding yes.

[Lisa0825]

83. (((((((BIG HUGS)))))))) to you and your brother. I am glad he has you :-) nt

[bliss_eternal]

84. awww--hugs to both of you...!

so glad he has such a supportive person in his life as you! it's wonderful he's decided to face who he is and share it w/someone who accepts him exactly as he is.

:hug:best to both of you!

[DeSwiss]

87. Words just won't do.....

:hug:

K&R

[2QT2BSTR8]

88. He is lucky to have a sibling that is accepting....

So many GLBT people do not have accepting family. Bless you!

[sheldon]

89. I hope he finds peace and happiness.

[NorthCarolina]

90. Good On You!

:loveya:

[Taverner]

91. It's cool

:hug:

[tblue]

92. Oh man! That is so great -- that you have each other!

Wow. This made my day. It's a beautiful thing.

[zulchzulu]

93. When my brother came out, I was the only sibling that supported him

Since a few years, my family accepts him... except during holiday dinners if he "threatens" to bring his significant other...

Goddamn Republicans.

[archiemo]

111. Good for you!

[MrsBrady]

94. you are a good sister n/t

[bertman]

95. Recommend. nt

[Enthusiast]

97. Good for you,

and your brother.

[Rhiannon12866]

98. K&R. What a heartwarming story...

Thanks so much for sharing this with us. :hug:

[AnotherDreamWeaver]

99. Welcome to DU and I wish your brother well

That's the way it goes sometimes, struggling. Now that he has that settled, may his dreams come true.

[Mojeoux]

100. God Bless you Both

So sweet. So sad that he feared losing your love.

[EFerrari]

101. Happy for both of you.

:party:

[BigBearJohn]

102. I couldn't be more proud of you. Family supports family. Love you. K/R!

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[old mark]

103. My nephew is gay, has been with his partner almost 20 years.

His partner is a fine, smart, talented, good man whose family has completely cut themselves off from him since he told them he is gay.

You are a great sister.

m

[aquart]

104. Oh, what a relief for him.

And what a difference there's going to be in your relationship now that he isn't hiding himself.

[rateyes]

105. Same thing happened with my brother and me.

Good on you!

[gleeindc]

106. For family love and support

When you love someone, your love and support is important as they stand up and define themselves. Thank you for being there for your brother. We live in a culture where, when the NY Times ran a "They Gay" magazine cover story with two rabbits, the inside title read: "The Love that dare not squawk its name: Inside the science of same-sex pairings")they also ran a disclaimer after the photo credits to Jeff Koons: "All the animals on these pages (like this pair of Chinese silkie chicks) were photographed at a Manhattan studio on sets designed by Viki Rutsch. No asusmptions should be made about the animals' sexual preference based on their appearance in this portfolio." Hopefully the Times was posting the message "tongue-in-cheek" (and you decide which one). Meanwhile others in our country, perhaps less enlightened -- and less sarcastic -- than theTimes, condemn your brother and the LGBT community based on their religious beliefs and their own confusion/distaste about sexuality without knowing them.

[PinkFloyd]

107. You're a good sister. I hope everything works out for him. /nt

[TatonkaJames]

108. That's a beautiful exmple of how love is supposed to work

In the year 2010 I can't believe men and women still far coming out. That's very sad but with
support from family, as you have shown, it makes it easier for us all. Our nephew came out to
us a couple of years ago and when he told us and we got up to hug him, afterward he was so relieved,
he said it was like a huge weight off his shoulders and so grateful for the understanding.
Bless You & your brother !

[writergabriel]

109. Coming out later in life

Sometimes the most courageous thing we can do in life is to be authentic. It isn't always the popular thing and sometimes we agonize over it. But I really believe it's the only way to go.

I am a professional writer and wrote a contemporary novel about a woman who falls in love with her best female friend called Seeking Sara Summers. It turns the main character's world upside down. But in the end, being true to herself is the only option.

Congratulations to your brother!

Susan Gabriel
author of Seeking Sara Summers

[cbayer]

110. Welcome to DU, writergabriel!

:hi: