Momless DUers: This is my first momless Mother's Day. How do you deal with it?

[stevedeshazer]

And God bless all the moms out there, including the mothers of my children. Happy Mother's Day to all moms.

It's also one of my first dogless days, but that's another thread.

[Vickers]

1. No advice, but my heart goes out to you.

My mom is still around, but I remember being really sad the first Fathers Day after my dad died (even though he wasn't even that great of a dad).

Peace to you, friend.

[Dappleganger]

2. Try to stay busy.

That helped me most last year (my first one). Watch something funny on tv or go to the movies. Keep friends and family around you. Don't be afraid to cry or talk about her. Write her a letter if you feel like it.

Last year I took a very LONG ride on my motorcycle and talked to her the entire time. It seemed to help.

:hug:

[stevedeshazer]

5. Good advice, I think I might go for a long drive and reminisce.

The talking thing, too.

[roguevalley]

31. good idea. my parents left me ten months apart and I talk to them

off and on all day everyday. its like they are here. I have a poem I am trying to find that really helps me keep it straight. When I find it i will post it here. I always go out and celebrate their anniversary, their birthdays and their leaving days. it makes it positive for me.
Have a great dinner, go some place in your car and talk to them like they are right beside you. They truly are.

Every so often my little dog, my mother's dog, will pause and stare at some corner of the room with his little tail wagging, just like he did when he knew mom was going to come into the house after work. I know he sees her and I am jealous.

[stevedeshazer]

32. I like that very much.

:)

[Dappleganger]

44. Oh wow...

the dog thing would really get me! :)

Honestly, I do talk to her more than I'd rather anyone know (in the family). Mostly expressing exasperation w/things my father is doing, telling her that we are trying our best and that's all we can do. And quite often it's just a 'Mom, wish you were here!'

Talking in the car is great, pretty much everyone has their mouth moving while in the car so nobody thinks you're strange.

[Skittles]

3. you thank your lucky stars you had a mother you miss

and bless you too

[stevedeshazer]

7. I will do that.

Thanks.

[grasswire]

4. my mom has been gone for a long time

Her sister, my Auntie, is still alive at age 86, and her only child died a couple of years ago. So I try to transfer some affection to this aunt. I know the day is very hard for her -- no husband, no son, no grandchildren. She's in a retirement community where many other seniors have tons of visiting offspring. I'll walk over there tomorrow (about a mile away) with some chocolates and flowers.

Maybe there's someone in your vicinity who has no one anymore. It's not the same, I know, but it's something.

[stevedeshazer]

13. Yeah, my uncle (mom's little brother) is very close to me. That helps.

Visiting folks in retirement communities is awesome. Keep doing that.

Peace, out.

[fortyfeetunder]

6. Honor the other mothers in your life

This year, I only mailed 2 cards, one to a first time mother and the other to a family friend.
I remember the first year and I had a special project to work on. That was a relief.

[stevedeshazer]

15. Thanks. That's sound advice. n/t

[lunatica]

8. You're allowed to talk to your mom anytime

Who knows. Maybe she'll hear you.

[gmoney]

30. Don't let a Hallmark-created holiday get you down.

lost my mom a number of years ago, and the relentless ads on TV and radio and even online do get to me sometimes, too.

[Withywindle]

9. I'm not momless yet, but my heart goes out to you.

I like to think that when she's gone, I will be brave enough to spend hours on Mother's Day interacting with her in spirit.

If you know what her favorite music was, listen to it. If you know what her favorite movies were, watch them. If you know what her favorite books were, read them.

Devote as much of the day as you can to honoring her memory through her favorite things. If you believe in spiritual things, pray. You'll cry a lot - and that's good. Cry. Openly. There's nothing wrong with that. Visit her grave, if it's accessible. There is NO shame in feeling emotion. U.S. WASP culture will try to convince you that denying death is normal and fully feeling grief is somehow unmanly, but damn, is that fucked up.

[stevedeshazer]

16. I'm headed to her grave in about ten hours.

Got the flowers.

:)

[Withywindle]

25. ((hugs))

It won't be easy. But...I have always admired the Mexican tradition of the Day of the Dead. Where the whole family goes out to the cemetery and has a picnic and party in honor of the dead. There is fun and there is grief and tears. All of those emotions are real and important.

I think American culture would do well to adopt something like that.

[footinmouth]

10. It's tough

I lost my mom in 1994 and I really had a tough time with the holiday for the first few years. My husband just lost his mom a few months ago. She had just turned 100. His family got together today to have the celebration to remember her. It was upbeat, but still rather sad.

It will get better for you as time goes on. My heart goes out to you. It's so tough to deal with their loss.

[scarletwoman]

11. My sisters & I, along with our dad, are going to the cemetary tomorrow to visit mom's grave.

This will be the second Mother's Day we've done this since she died.

We'll leave flowers and no doubt cry a bit.

sw

[stevedeshazer]

20. That's what we'll do, too.

Life goes on.

:)

[Desertrose]

39. This is my 9th Mother's Day without my Mom....

The first few were really really hard.....can't wrap my brain around the fact she would be 100 this year!!

My kids & I chipped in for memorial bricks for both my parents at the Stupa a block away from our house...tomorrow I want to walk over & put a rose there....

:hug:for you SW. :loveya:

[Kelvin Mace]

12. I am 15 years out from my Mom's sudden death

and I know it is hard.

Celebrate her life by helping someone in her name. It doesn't have to be anything big, just helpful.

[stevedeshazer]

27. She supported the Paralyzed Veterans of America

I'll scratch out a small check for them. And the local animal shelter.

[stevebreeze]

14. sorry if this sounds cynical, but the memory of your mother and

and the results of your mothers efforts are very very real and alive. Mothers day is a bullshit made up event fostered mostly but the manufactures of cards and growers of flowers. Keep your head up honor her by doing for your children, or the world what she has done for you.

[stevedeshazer]

19. I get what you're saying about card peddlers and florists.

I'm 55 years old, and I picked wildflowers for Mom , we saw it as a rite of spring. That was the usual thing, and one that I will miss forever.

[jotsy]

17. I have thought about you so much in recent days, about today.

Being as my own mom passed in June of '93, I had nearly a year to get some distance from the freshness of loss, I know yours is still pretty fresh grief. I know when my MIL lost hers a few years later, I inundated her day with her grandchildren and we made an awesome Sunday brunch of strawberry crepes. My plan had been to see her enjoy the here and now and I think it worked. Keep busy and prepare yourself that there are going to be quiet, painful moments. When you find yourself riding the harsh edge of one of those, pick out an old funny family story she (like all moms, I think) enjoyed telling. Levity exists to get us through those forlorn moments.

Good Luck, and thank you.

[stevedeshazer]

21. That's really good advice and thanks for your kind words.

:)

[liberal_at_heart]

18. My mom died when I was 3

That was thirty years ago. I never really knew her or what it felt like to have a mom. When I was growing up I would listen to a music box she left for me, keep her picture on my dresser and I cried a lot. When I grew up and got married and had children of my own I was so grateful to have loved ones in my life it helped lessen the pain and I have over time learned to let go of the pain. Be patient with yourself. Allow yourself to feel how you are feeling. This is only the first Mother's Day without her. Maybe you need to let yourself feel sad if that is how you are feeling. Love her and remember her. As far as feeling better, being grateful is a great mood lifter. Be grateful you had the priviledge of having her in your life, of being her child and receiving her love and guidance. Also, surround yourself with loved ones you can be grateful for or help someone else so they can feel grateful for having someone.

[stevedeshazer]

24. Aw, thanks

DUers are so smart.

:)

[Digit]

22. delete

[onehandle]

23. My mom died two weeks ago today.

I didn't mention it for a variety of reasons. I made all of the arrangements and had a big family thing last Sunday.

I am tiring of getting emails from Amazon pushing me to buy my mom a Kindle for mother's day.

If I sound kind of emotionless, I kinda am.

It's coming.

[stevedeshazer]

26. I am so sorry. My mom died six weeks ago, and my dog last weekend.

Hang in there. It does make you emotionless at times.

We're in the same club now, my friend.

:hug:

[onehandle]

29. Thanks.

Same to you.

:hug:

Sorry to lay this on your thread. I had been wondering if I would even bring it up here.

Or how I would bring it up.

Thanks.

:)

[tavalon]

41. I'm so sorry

and yes, the emotionless will pass. Amazingly, with time, the pain that comes after the emotionlessness can ease.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

48. (((onehandle))) so sorry for your loss. It's a huge one, I know.

:hug:

[Dappleganger]

53. Hang in there.

The first year is the toughest. This year it has been getting better, although it's still hard to talk about still.

:hug:

[SeattleGirl]

28. This is my second Mother's Day without my mom. I miss her

every day, not just on Mother's Day, but I have to admit, it's sometimes hard knowing I cannot call her up or go to Oregon to see her any more.

One of the things I do is talk to my sisters. We share memories of mom, and while it's somewhat painful, we also end up laughing at a lot of the things she did that will endear her to us for the rest of our lives.

My sympathies to you, steve. I hope the day is not too painful for you, and that you have a lot of good memories of her.

:hug:

[stevedeshazer]

34. Yeah, I just want to call her on the phone.

:) :hug:

[XOKCowboy]

33. It's been 12 years for me..

What I miss most is her nagging. I'm not kidding and probably shouldn't call it nagging. Just her way of being my Mom. The way she had to know every detail of my life. How she'd never hesitate to criticize my choice of friends, how I spent my money, how long I still wore my hair plus her constant little jibes at my "dope smoking". To balance it off she would go on and on about how well I was laundering my underwear was or some other insignificant thing that somehow made her proud. I also remember the phone calls that started with "So why the hell haven't you called me. What's wrong?" if I was a day or two (or a week) late calling.

Gawd she could be such an exasperating woman at times but it was just her way of being my Mom. I also knew that she loved me more than life itself and would do anything for me. I used to tell her when she'd chastise me for not calling that if I ever was in trouble, she'd be the first one I'd call and that'd calm her down. Also whenever she'd get on to me about some part of my lifestyle I could always turn it back on her about her 4 ex-husbands and we'd laugh and go on to something else.

You'll never stop missing her and you shouldn't. Just cherish the memories. After a while you'll start smiling on Mother's Day.

[housewolf]

35. I'm so sorry about your mom - and about your dog

My mom died in 1993, so I'm more used to her being gone. I think about her and remember her often, but especially on Mother's Day. I don't make a big deal about it, just think about and remember many of the fine Mother's Day celebrations we had in the past, and honor her that way. Her birthday was May 7, so often we did a combination birthday/Mother's Day event.

I'm sorry about the recent loss of your dog, too. I lost my dear dog-companion of almost 16 years about 5 months ago. I stll miss him like crazy and often find myself shedding tears over him.

The only thing I know of that alleviates the grief due to loss of loved ones is to feel the feelings when they come up, honor them and share them as much as possible. Time helps and you can trust that over time, the intensity lessens.

Do you know the story of the Rainbow Bridge?
http://www.croxlea.co.uk/RainbowBridge.html

I am sorry you are suffering so much loss. Please be gentle with your wounded heart.

Hugs, tears and warm wishes

[stevedeshazer]

37. Thanks.

And yes, the Rainbow Bridge is a source of comfort.

:)

[lostnfound]

36. The one thought that helped me

so many years ago was the sudden realization, just about a week after she died, that all the pain I felt in my heart was proof positive, tangible evidence, of just how unbelievably blessed to have such a loving woman in my life. My grief became a kind of prayer of gratitude. I know people grieve even for the loss of parents who weren't the best, but for those lucky enough to have had good moms, it helps to recognize that grief and gratitude can have the same common dimensions; grief is the shadow side of a gratitude that is brilliant.

I also like to think of it as one's loved one taking up a permanent residence in one's heart; it hurts because there's this little homunculus trying to find a comfortable spot.

Our grief is painful but it does truly honor the one who has died. Who would want to think that no one would miss them when they were gone?

[tavalon]

38. Perhaps some sort of ritual recognizing her

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Liberty Belle]

40. Father's Day is tough for me since I lost my Dad.

Is your Dad still living? If so spend Mother's Day with him. Or do something wonderful in your Mom's memory, something that would have made her proud and happy. Write a poem, take a hike, or if being introspective makes you sad, then surround yourself with other family or friends.

<<<<Hugs>>>>>

[Tuesday_Morning]

42. On days when I'm feeling emotional

and really missing my mom, I do things she liked to do - walks, painting, bike-riding. Or eat food she loved. (On her bday once I had pickled herring - yuck!) Buy flowers she would like. Watch movies, listen to music she loved.

Tomorrow I'm going to search youtube for something she would have really liked and then send it to my siblings.

The really intense, painful part of missing her seems to hit me like a wave...it crests and then seems to pass through me.

[Swamp Rat]

43. .

:hug:

[seabeyond]

45. have a good cry, if need be. remember the love always. in our house

after 12 yrs, we are always bring my mom up in conversation. things she did, things she thought. the essense of who she is. my kids are growing up with her.

[blogslut]

46. Do something that would make her proud

She may be gone but her influence on your life is forever. No matter the size of the task, think of something to do that were she there and knew what it was, she would smile that mom smile - the one that means more than any prize.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

47. Hugs to you Steve and it's my first without my Mom too. She died last July and it's been

difficult for me. The commercials leading into today have been wearing on me and it's hit me hard today. My own kids have been pretty good today, and I appreciate it, but my heart is still broken.

:cry::

[Whisp]

49. be a mom to someone. pay it forward in the name of your Mother.

you don't have to have children, you don't have to be a woman.

be momlike to someone that needs it.

[Skidmore]

50. My mother left us 15 years ago. She is still very much missed and loved.

We share her story with the little ones, the ones who came into our lives after she left. She lives on. I see her in the face of my 4 year old granddaughter every time I look at her.

[old mark]

51. We went out for a late breakfast and had enough calories for a week.

Both our moms are dead...we just say "thanks" with a little private, quiet celebration...and of course, food...

mark

[Berry Cool]

52. It's hard. Try to focus on other things.

If you can do something to help another mom, do.

But damn, I hate all the ads you get bombarded with beforehand.

[uppityperson]

54. Today is 19th yr anniversary of mom's death. How I coped...

when my kid told me happy mothers day, I looked at the clock and it was 19 yrs ago then. I hugged back, went out and cried. Then I took a friend to the ER for a dislocated bone, then I helped a week old baby deer find its mom.

Grief doesn't disappear, it just changes over time. There have been yrs when I almost missed the date, others I was feeling poorly the wk before, wondering why, until I figured out why.

[FarLeftRage]

55. It is tough for me...

When my Mom died on March 22nd,2010, it was a double loss.
Her youngest sister, my Aunt died the week before.
My cousins and my siblings along with my father are not doing too well.

I cannot offer you any advice, because I am going through the same experience you are.

[LibertyLover]

56. I am truly sorry on both counts,

I lost my mom 10 years ago and I still miss her. It gets better, I promise. For several years after her death (which happened the day before Valentine's Day), it was difficult for me on her birthday, Valentine's Day and Mother's Day. Something that helped was that 6 years ago I became a mother myself. It helped.

As for being dogless, again I understand. About 18 years ago I was dogless for several months and it was awful. Please think about getting another dog as soon as possible. It helps tremendously. And if possible adopt a second one as well. Since that time we've had at least 3 and sometimes as many as 5 dogs. I won't say that you don't miss one when he or she dies, but having the others around make the hurt a bit less.

[graywarrior]

57. I visited and cleaned her grave stone today

I miss my parents more now than when they both died in 76/77.