When Mother's Day Hurts

[madmax]

Mother's Day has different meaning for different people. Happy Mother's Day is not a one-size fits all.

Some of lost our Mom's at a young age, some of us lost a child but we're still Mom's, not all of us were raised by 'June Cleaver'.

This thread is open to all to express their Mother's Day feelings and not feel threatened if it does not conform to the Hallmark criteria.

It's been 4 years Mom, I miss you. We didn't always get along but, we held it together. We're still the 2 Musketeers.

:grouphug: for all DU'ers.

[pinboy3niner]

1. See also . . .

Please do not wish random strangers a "Happy Mother's Day". (OP by Withywindle)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x8299171

[DiverDave]

2. I miss you Ma

(she hated it when I called her that)
But she knew who it was when I said it.

[woo me with science]

3. This is for all the mothers I will talk to and try to comfort today

who lost their children to the repressed memory fad.

These mothers (and fathers) woke up into a never-ending nightmare. Out of nowhere, their adult children became suspicious, cold, bitter, and rageful, drew away from them, and began accusing them of the most horrific acts you can imagine. Imagine the shock and bewilderment of being accused by the children they cherish of handing them over to satanic cults or pedophile rings for torture and sadistic sexual abuse. Some have even been accused of breeding their own children and murdering or eating their own grandchildren. These are parents who desperately love their children just like you do, and who had hopes for their children just like you do for yours.

Nothing can comfort them...nothing.

And the astonishing part of it is that even though these mothers are being devastated themselves, accused and branded as torturers and rapists of their own children, they remain first and foremost worried about their children...When you talk to them, they are terrified of what the hell is happening to their children to make them believe these things and go through so much pain. They worry desperately how their children are doing, if they are safe, and that they might kill themselves. Most would forgive everything that was accused and take their children back in a heartbeat.

They won't receive a Mother's Day card today. If they send a card to their children on any day, most will receive it back unopened. Some of their children will open the card and scrutinize it with their therapists or fellow memory recoverers for hidden threats or messages. Still others will respond with rage, accusing their mothers of abuse and violation of their boundaries by trying to make contact.

This is a very difficult day for them.

[samplegirl]

4. Since my Mothers passing

I smile less, I cry more, and life without her......is not good anymore. Holidays are just another day without her at my table.
To anyone who has a Mother........Make time, steal time, but spend time because one day you will
be without her and it will definitely be a lonely time.

[a la izquierda]

5. To my mom...

who, to her horror, raised a leftist: I never minded for a minute having to defend you from homophobes. I didn't have a typical upbringing, but it made me who I am.

Now, please become a Democrat ;) It makes so much more sense.

[northernlights]

6. my eldest sister once told me she remembered...

... as a toddler being picked up by her hair and bounced off the walls my our mother. My feeling, in hindsight, is that the abuse she practiced on my sister, she perfected on me. She lived to 85, was financially well off and supported by my father so she didn't have to work more than about 3 or 4 years of her life. Drove a benz, dressed in furs and diamonds. We did the housework.

My sister is now dying of cancer and won't live to 65. Although she had a couple decades of peace, supported by her husband once she became to ill to work, she was never able to confront and deal with the rage that literally ate at her guts. I spent my entire 20s in suicidal depression and therapy, and have never had a break from supporting myself and my furfamily. My mother died the summer of 2008. I remember feeling a small sense of relief deep down inside. I knew now that she would never, ever be able to hurt me or my furkids again.

And today, I look at the destruction we are wreaking on our mother earth, and all I want to do is cry.

[bobbolink]

47. I'm sorry you went through so much pain, and also your sister.

What you went through is horrendous, and leaves so many scars.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.... I wish you peace.

:hug:

[Bettie]

7. To all the moms of lost children

We lost our first child at birth. She was perfect and beautiful, but due to some medical errors (and a 20 minute delay in the emergency c-section) she never took a breath.

After this experience, my DH and I entered the world of bereaved parents...moms who are mothers but don't have their children with them.

Many of these people go on to have more children, but some are not able to or can't open themselves to the pain of loss again.

You are still a mother, even if your children are not with you.

I am lucky enough to have gone on to have three lovely boys. I still miss my girl every day. She would be 12 years old this year.

[proud2BlibKansan]

8. My mom died in 2006 and I miss her so much

She was an outstanding role model for 4 daughters. And she loved me. That's what I remember the most about her, that she was the one person in my life who loved me regardless of what I did. I wish I could be half the mother she was.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you.

[handmade34]

9. as the child of an

abusive mother... who is now 82, I struggle with whether I should call her knowing that she will just complain about what I didn't do...

[seabeyond]

12. don't. dont call her.

if your mom is so old, then you are getting up there too.

at a time, you have to put this to rest. she was an abusive person, she has not earned your respect and love. if you have to question yourself, struggle with calling her or not, to wish her a happy mom day when she was a lousy mom, then you already know the answer. you ownt be being true to yourself.

you do not "owe"

[Dappleganger]

25. Do whatever your heart tells you to do.

You can call and make small talk, or just say your piece and hang up. Be prepared for the hateful response.

If you don't want to hear her response, write what you want to say and send it to her tomorrow. Whatever you do, don't be afraid. You're an adult now, THE adult in the family. Don't let her keep her power over you.

[Sal Minella]

10. She can't hurt me any more, but she would if she could.

After she died, it took me a long time to get used to living without being belittled and insulted and ridiculed incessantly.

I've never been able to figure out why she bothered to have children.

[bobbolink]

48. I'm sorry for the pain you've gone through.

It doesn't go away.

:hug:

[Sal Minella]

61. It does become smaller in the distance, looking back over the years.

Several people in this thread were obviously treated much worse than I was.
It does help to talk about it, after years of trying to pretend I had a somewhat normal childhood.

On the plus side, I am spared the pain of loss of a loving/loved mother -- I have no idea what that would be like, but tried to be a loving mother to my kids. They tell me I was a good mother, and I hope it's true.

[NC_Nurse]

11. What a nice idea. So true. For many of us, Mother's Day is bittersweet at best.

Although I'm in a better place now, I spent many years dealing with the abuse my alcoholic mother heaped on me. Now, she has dementia, partly from alcohol I'm sure, but Alzheimer's probably too. My dad and I share her care and are trying to keep her at home as long as we can. There was a nice person hidden under all of the dysfunction I know, and we made peace before she became ill. I am grateful for that.

Still, when I pick out a Mother's day card, I have to weed through all the sappy ones and find a friendly, but not overly congratulatory one. I can't bring myself to buy a card that showers praise on how I was raised. I raised myself. She's still my Mom and I love her despite her faults. Just as I hope my children forgive me mine.

If you are a child of an abusive parent: Hang in there. Don't be afraid to deal with it. You'll be stronger for it and someday see things with clear eyes and a peaceful heart. :hug: :grouphug:

[seabeyond]

13. reading two days of the back and forth on this

i have reached this point. so i am going to ask you

your mom was abusive. that is pretty strong accusation. she made the choice. to hurt a child, her greatest obligation to protect and not hurt.

why have you been conditioned the need to buy her a card. i had parents that were excellent and i dont buy them a card. my mom knew i loved her. i showed her daily. my father still alive knows i love and respect him. we talk about it often as he gets older.

why participate in something that contradicts your reality?

another thing. why give your mom the out of a "fault". abuse is beyond a fault. why compare to your imperfections as a parent. have you abused? have you purposely hurt your children? i would never compare my imperfection as a parent with those that purposely hurt their children. kids and i talk about my imperfection, but they are minor. because never is the intent to hurt. always it is their best interest. we are all imperfect. those faults are easily accepted

it seems like we are in such a strangehold with this one day in extremes. i am finding it interessting, yes, and odd too.

[NC_Nurse]

15. I buy her a card to acknowledge her, she's still my mother and I'm, still here so she

must've done something right.

As for forgiveness, I see my mother for who she was and it's not all pretty, but who is? She had an autistic/mentally challenged son back when there was not as much support out there as there is now. She turned to alcohol as her crutch and it turned her into a monster. I watched her go from a kind, but troubled person, to a screaming drunk over the years and I know that person still exists.

I shut her out of my life until she changed the way she interacted with me. Then we made our peace. She apologized to me for not being a good mother and I accepted that. Now she is slowly dying. I have found that forgiving her has been a blessing for me. I am stronger and happier for it.

I didn't abuse my children, and we have good relationships, but I don't pretend that none of the issues I've dealt with over the years haven't effected them.

It sounds like you're happy with the way you've dealt with your past. I feel the same. Everybody's different.

[seabeyond]

17. my mom had an abusive alcoholic father. my hubbys mom lived in an alcoholic family

we see the results of the kids of alcoholics and what it did to them and how it effected their parenting.

i have a brother who is an alcoholic and the mess he has created for his kids. now older they are so fucked up and in so much trouble, as they blame their father. but it is their lives they are fucking up

then brother calls to say what did he do wrong????? he wants me to reassure him. i tell him, everything and still doing it.

i see the same with his kids. blaming the parents. loving the parents. it is an odd place for kids (teens and young adults) to be. so thinking about them and the lives they are creating, and listening to posters on du, is making me explore this a bet.

i had a pretty normal upbringing. healthy adn balance. that is my perspective.

[NC_Nurse]

26. Yeah. I am fortunate not to have followed the family pattern, at least in terms

of chronic alcohol abuse and denial. My mother was the same way as your brother for many years. She wanted me to take back my anger and stuff it and say she was a great mom. No way. It took a long time for her to finally admit that it was a lie. Even then, she still drank for more years, so we didn't have much contact for pretty much my entire adult life.

I was blessed at an early age with a vision of myself as an old person, sitting in a rocker saying "I could have had a great life if it wasn't for my mother." It woke me up to the fact that I didn't want to spend my whole life fucking up and blaming her for it. I had to get over it somehow and move on. It took me a while to figure out how, but I did it. I went to Al-anon for many years, then therapy. It was a long journey, but now I feel so much better. I wouldn't say the vestiges of abuse are all gone, I still have problems with anxiety at times, but it beats the constant pain I lived with as a young woman.

[seabeyond]

29. *sigh*. yes. exactly. the thing that we have found and

probably documented, especially for the females in an alcoholic household is, as parents and wives they have an incredible need for control in their lives. it makes being married to them and children of them hard in ways, but understanding the reasoning sure does take a husband and kids a long way. as i said both our moms where in that environment and we see a pattern with this mother. neither of our mothers drank. my mother had an intense hate of alcohol. and both mothers (watching with niece now) also have to have a control in their adult environment.

and that is ok. much easier to accept and embrace in understanding.

i am glad you were able to accomplish, succeed as you did. this is what i tell my nieces and nephews. blaming, anger, ruins their lives, not the abusive parent. and pretending it didnt happen isnt the answer either.

thanks for your story. to help me understand more.

[NC_Nurse]

33. Sounds like you are a source of wisdom for your family. I hope they listen. It

can be really hard to let go of the blame, but it doesn't mean denying the reality. It's about taking charge of one's own life and giving up on changing anyone else. And, often, you still have to deal with the abusive person into adulthood and find a way to keep their sickness from drowning you.

I wish the best for your family. There are a whole lot of us out there. I hope we all get what we need.

[seabeyond]

34. taking charge of one's own life and giving up on changing anyone else

so right on. and thank you.

:hug:

[InkAddict]

14. I'm happy you held on...

My parents prided themselves on their solidarity...my mother organized a 15-year-long shunning of me and her grandchildren, when out of the blue she called my daughter a few weeks ago to let us all know that my dad was close to dying of Alzheimer's. He can barely eat or speak, and doesn't recognize folks, and, JUST IN CASE, we may want to visit the old homestead one last time. Toxicity, thy name is Mother!

So why would I let either know that the tree of life will soon have a new little leaf?

[Froward69]

16. Heart attack when I was 15.

My expressions here.
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x8300427

[seabeyond]

18. i loved that post of yours. nt

[Better Today]

19. Mom, I hope you're dying a slow and painful death, hunched and

haggard and hated so that you actually resemble the hatefilled hag that you are.

[Froward69]

21. one day

you will regret saying that.

No matter how badly I was embarrassed or angry at My mom. I missed the opportunity to apologize.

[Better Today]

23. No I will not, ever regret it. You may speak for yourself, but

you have no idea what my family life was like or the role my mother played in it. If you want to think that somehow all needs to be forgiven and/or forgotten, then it only proves that your situation was nothing akin to mine. Particularly since you indicate you have a need to apologize, I think that makes it clear that your situation is WAY different than mine.

[bobbolink]

39. I'm sorry that someone took it upon themselves to judge and dump.

You didn't deserve that, nor is that "peacemaking". Unfortunately, it *is* DU, and there is one in every thread. They deserve to be on ignore lists.

I am sorry for the abuse that you suffered, and I know what it does to a person..... emotionally and physically.

I wish you well, and I commend you for your honesty.

:hug:

[Better Today]

40. Thank you.

[seabeyond]

42. delete cause you say in another post. nt

[BlancheSplanchnik]

32. I never apologized and never felt bad....but I felt good that I was compassionate at her deathbed

I had nothing to apologize for, I was a wonderful, kind hearted and smart little kid with A LOT of very big problems (Ulcerative Colitis, severe ADD, Bullying target) in addition to her bizarre and violent Borderline Personality Disorder. I learned in infancy to stay as far from her as I could.

I am glad, though, that I had done enough human revolution to be able to show her compassion and strength once she was dying. I'll never regret NOT saying the horrible things I had determined to repay her with someday. Gee, now I think of it, she had one day of lucidity and that was our first actual conversation, I mean where she actually listened and engaged with me.


Those of us who were abused don't need scolding for not reacting like people with basically nurturing mothers.

[bobbolink]

38. This is NOT a thread for criticising ANYONE.

You are dumping YOUR feelings onto another hurting person, and that is neither "progressive" nor peace-making.

You owe an apology.

[njlib]

28. My feelings exactly!

No contact with mine at all in 10 years and I'm much better off, as is my son. How do you choose one child over another? Especially when that child is the mother of your only grandchild? You said everything I've wanted to for a long time. Thank you for this post.

[Better Today]

31. Haven't seen mine since 1983, kids never saw them. I wouldn't

expose my kids to my parents, not a chance in hell.

[seabeyond]

30. you are right. no one on du knows what you experienced. nt

[caseycoon]

52. This is how I feel about my stepmother.

It's good to see it put into words.
Thanks for saying it.
I'm sorry for whatever you went through as a child.
:hug:

[Sparkly]

20. Missing my daughter AND my mom.

Thanks for this thread! Mothers' Day hurts like hell. Stupid of me to think I was alone in that.

My daughter is still alive, but in a terrible situation. My Mom passed away eight years ago. I'm glad she didn't see what's happening with my daughter, but I imagine all the time what she would say to counsel me.

Still, there are many blessings to count.

:grouphug:

[Gaedel]

22. Twenty years gone

My mother passed away in 1990. My mother lived her entire life for her children. Her children were her first thought each and every day. That being said, my mother was hard to take, particularly as I grew older. I loved her very much, yet she was difficult for me to be around. I think it was just that she was so intense and driven that she created stress in me. My father was more laid back and he could handle the stress she induced. I never missed a Mother's Day or birthday for my mother as long as she was alive. I just couldn't handle a visit longer than a week.

[zeemike]

24. It has been over 50 years sense I lost you Mom.

But I have never forgotten you.
And i am still not convinced that I will never see you again.

[Ilsa]

27. This is for all the people who have lost a wonderful mother and still can't

get beyond the unending grief. I wish you peace.

A dear friend was born with cerebral palsy. His mom was instrumental in fighting for him, encouraging him, keeping the family together in difficult times, reminding him he would need to use his mind to make a living vs doing a physical job. She taught him values that were important in life in their family. She died a cruel death to liver cancer decades ago. It still hurts him, he still misses her. And if I could take his pain away by suffering some myself, I'd gladly do it to give him some peace.

[Stinky The Clown]

35. I miss my mother every day

She died on her 84th birthday, which was also the first day of Spring. My brother and I were with her, as was Sparkly, who held her hand.

[madmax]

44. Wish I was with my Mom when she passed

She died 4 years ago at the age of 90. Being hearing impaired I didn't hear the phone ring at 1 a.m. and when I woke up there was message to call the hospital.

She died alone like a dog and I deal with that everyday. Although, I know that if there is a life-after she knows that it was unintentional and she forgives me. I love you, Mom - Miss the hell outta loving and arguing with you. :hug:

[havocmom]

36. My older sister did a lot to get me raised; I think of her as a mom-like hero

And she lost her grown son, so I know this day is very rough on her.

There are no words to convey all I feel about and for her, particularly on Mother's Day, but every year I make the attempt.

The wonder of sisters is that there is understanding, even when words fail. I trust she understands my intent and shortcoming at easing her pain/thanking her from all she has done.

Grief is a difficult thing, but it does often come with a grace that transcends daily human foibles. I wish, for my sister, that grace could have come with less cost.

[nickinSTL]

37. I'm very lucky

my relationship with my mom is great. (and in keeping with this being DU - we get along great politically - she's possibly even more liberal than I am, and that's saying something)

I am thinking about a friend of mine today.

She has a...somewhat difficult relationship with her mother on occasion - her mother is a bit overbearing and controlling, IMO. She isn't assertive enough to really shut down some of that as I think she should.

Today she's also got her mother-in-law visiting. I don't know what her husband's relationship with her is like, but it's clear to me that my friend really doesn't care for her. The mother-in-law is a petulant child in behavior who blindly believes what Fox News tells her and is overtly racist. My friend being very much a liberal is less than happy with the situation. The mother-in-law is staying with them for a week and I hate to think how she's feeling.

On top of that, she is not a mother herself. I'm quite certain she wants to be, but for reasons we have not discussed, it has not happened in 5 years of marriage. I suspect that makes mother's day increasingly difficult for her, if she allows herself time to think about it. The mother-in-law apparently also pesters them regularly about grandchildren, so I don't know that she'll be able to avoid thinking about it today.

I wish there was something I could do for her, because I can only imagine how difficult today will be for her.

[madmax]

46. My Mom had a great influence on shaping my

political ideals. She was a union organizer for the AFL in it's infancy when it was very rough and she took some and gave some lumps. She was die hard FDR Democrat. She had Titanium balls! Thanks, Mom.

[bobbolink]

41. My son was kidnapped when he was 8, so, needless to say, Mother's Day is not a day of joy for me.

For many years, I thought I would stop breathing on that day, it hurt so much.

There are so many of us who have lost children, and this day hurts so much, yet it isn't given much thought. We very much need for others to understand.

I reach out my hand for all mothers who have lost children.... there is no pain that can compare.

:cry:

:grouphug:

[madmax]

43. And we reach back to you

:grouphug:

[bobbolink]

45. thank you!

And thank you for a wonderful and much needed thread!

:hug:

[caseycoon]

51. I cannot imagine

how deep that pain is. My heart goes out to you & all mothers who have lost a child.
:grouphug:

[Mari333]

54. My son also passed on in 2006

so huge hugs to you today. I never like this day very much.

[bobbolink]

55. I'm sorry, Mari... that pain must be so sharp.

A Mother's pain doesn't go away.

Please see my post below...#53. There are so many of us.

[Mari333]

56. I am thinking next yr I will have a dinner with mothers whose children have crossed over

makes more sense to me then wondering how they are doing when everyone else is celebrating.

[bobbolink]

Beautiful idea, Mari! From that article, it sounds like that one mother would be more

than willing to help you with planning it.

I really appreciate your sense of community and giving! :applause:

:hug:

[caseycoon]

49. K&R It's a sad day for me.

My mom died when I was 7. I'm 68 now & still wish I had her.
Her "replacement" was horrible.
:grouphug:

[bobbolink]

59. It must be very, very hard on a child.

Especially when it was followed by horribility. :(

:hug: :loveya:

[AnnieBW]

50. Some of us deal with infertility

I can't have kids. Well, I suppose I *could* have kids if I wanted to subsidize the baby-making industry, but I won't. I don't want a fucking litter, like the Octomom. Every time I get wished "Happy Mother's Day", I tell them that I'm a proud mommy of three furbabies.

[vankuria]

60. I can relate

Annie thank you for posting this. I never wished to be a single mom so when I finally married at 44 I tried but it was too late for me. I grieved for my loss but take comfort wherever I can find it. I am fortunate to have a wonderful step-son who never forgets me on Mother's day and sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers today. My beautiful mom just turned 95 and we always make Mother's Day into something very special for her, as a matter of fact we just got back from taking her out to dinner. I wish my mom could live forever but she can't and someday Mother's Day will be very sad for me also. I count my blessings and consider myself very lucky to have had my mom for so long. Oh and before I forget, I am a mom to my furry kid who love me know matter what!!

[bobbolink]

53. Dinner for Mothers whose children were killed in violence

Mother's Day dinner a tonic for survivors
By Yesenia Robles
The Denver Post
Posted: 05/08/2010 01:00:00 AM MDT

Parents who lost children to violence reflect at the Mother's Day dinner Friday at Denver's Scott United Methodist Church. "It lets Colorado know that our kids are just as important. We cannot let anyone forget," said Tyra Armstrong. ( Diego James Robles, The Denver Post )
For Mother's Day, Rhonda Fields' only son would have bought her flowers and gone to church with her. Instead she marked Mother's Day two days early with other parents who have lost sons and daughters to violence.

(snip)
On Friday, Rhonda Fields was one of about 50 people who attended a Denver dinner in memory of those lost to violence — and to honor the mothers who continue their legacy.

"It's hard to enjoy any holiday," said Charlynn Jones, who buried her son 19 years ago just two days before Mother's Day. But talking about her son does relieve some pressure, she said.

"We wanted to honor the mothers but also remind people that violence is still an issue," said Carolyn Phillips, a youth adviser for the NAACP Youth Council who helped organize the dinner.

(snip)
Despite many tears, the Mother's Day dinner on Friday was part of a celebration and healing process, some said.

"It gives me an opportunity to be around other people and share a meal and be encouraged to talk and reflect," Fields said. "It doesn't have to be sad, but we need to. There's healing in that."

Yesenia Robles: 303-954-1638 or [e-mail]




http://www.denverpost.com/headlines/ci_15044068

[abq e streeter]

57. My mother died of cancer when I was 17; but in a way I'm pretty philosophical about it

everyone dies, including mothers.... What haunts me is the suffering she went through before dying and the fact that as an immature teenage kid, I didn't fully understand everything that was happening, and wasn't there for her like I should have been. it took a lot of therapy and reassurance from my father to even begin to let go of the guilt from that. But the simple fact of being alive for awhile, and then not, is something I did come to terms with some time ago.

[Lifelong Protester]

58. I miss my mom too, it's been nearly 20 years...

I never realized before then how continuously advertised and mentioned this holiday is. I can't even listen to public radio today without feeling sad~it's all Mothers' Day Requests.

I'm not a mom, I miss my mom, I don't have any grandmas left either. So this day is kind of a bummer for me too.

[jxnmsdemguy65]

62. This has categorically been the worst Mother's Day ever...

that because, in addition to having lost my mother at an early age, I'm thinking, as others on this thread have pointed out, of the insult that BP has done to Mother Earth and all of us in the Gulf of Mexico. Almost too much to bear.

[Mojeoux]

63. I found this with mt Mom's things with a note saying

that she wanted it read at her memorial.
It's given me comfort.



Do not stand at my grave and weep..

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awake in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft star-shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry..

I am not there. I did not die.


This beautiful poem is attributed to a woman named Mary Frye in 1932 and published in 1944, but somehow, noone knows for sure.

[bobbolink]

64. If you find that comforting, that is fine. For others, the need to express emotion is healthy.

For myself, I can't imagine telling anyone what to feel and what not to feel.

We feel what we feel, and the choice we have is whether to be honest.