Masturbation threatens the planet.

[certainot]

Could societal levels of greed and fear be increased by stirring sexual impulses into the parts of the brain that do mathematics and logic?

Why do our civilizations keep destroying themselves and each other? Some would have us believe it is human nature or lizard brains destroying this planet. Or that we're not learning our history. Or it's the liberals. Or republicans. (Okay, maybe republicans.)

From the Wall Street greed destroying economies and BP-type greed and stupidity destroying the planet to fundamentalists and extremists of all stripe wreaking havoc- maybe sometimes the answers really are simple and right in front of us.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwY978MTvaE

[BuelahWitch]

1. On the contrary, earth would be a much better place

if MORE people masturbated.

[daleanime]

3. Well, if we worried more about....

making other people feel good then ourselves:blush:

[BuelahWitch]

10. But then you have the possibility of contracting an STD

[daleanime]

24. No glove....

no love?O8)

[certainot]

7. i agree, but not if it's done indiscriminately- did you see it?

[BuelahWitch]

9. It's very hard to listen to with that noise in the background...

[certainot]

15. you have to keep trying

[certainot]

16. here's a transcript I made

Hello Earth, this is Ron. We've been studying you for thousands of years, your time, and we think we've figured out what your problem is. At first we called it human nature but recently our top scientists concluded that what keeps destroying your civilizations and threatens all life on Earth is that you've been masturbating with the wrong hand.

By using the tool hand you burn in long lasting neural pathways that detour sexual energy through the logical mathematical side of the brain, even if you're just thinking about it, especially the guys, with all that up and down hammer type motion. If it gets stuck in there a wad of that sex on the wrong brain can cause lots of problems.

For example in there where the numbers are done sexual energy gets satisfaction from more, bigger, faster... that's where a lot of greed comes from.

Where the logic is done, that impatient sexual energy just wants quick easy answers and certainty to get the thinking over with. But nature is complicated and full of uncertainty so the tool handers get stressed out and scared until someone makes up some quick easy answers. Pretty soon certainty is better than truth and logic goes out the porthole.

That's why your leaders are very certain and encourage masturbation with the tool hand whenever possible.

We encourage you to switch hands and send that sex energy over there directly into the creative orgasmic side of the brain where the orgasms usually happen so you can begin loving your planet, exploring your galaxy, meeting your neighbors, and having bigger orgasms.

However, if you do not stop masturbating with the tool hand soon a device will be placed on your moon to force you to masturbate with the other hand until the problem is solved. Thank you for listening.

xxxx

At some point in human evolution populations began delaying the age of reproduction and the serious masturbation started. And so it came to pass that humans began learning sex with the tool hand, the sword hand, the hammer hand.

[guitar man]

19. Hmm

I guess they don't call it the "tool hand" for nothing eh?

:spray: :rofl:

[certainot]

21. the sword hand, the hammer hand, the manly hand

all the guys using the manly hand.....

[daleanime]

25. Yes, but I'm not sure the message was for me....

I've always been a switch hitter.:evilgrin:

[certainot]

35. maybe that's why you're at du

[WillyT]

2. Well... I Know That Mental Masturbation Threatens This Place...

:evilgrin:

[madmax]

4. :roflmaopmp: +10

[cliffordu]

5. It's my penis and my soap and I'll wash it as fast as I want to.

[The Damned]

6. Declare war on teenaged boys!

:rofl:

[corpseratemedia]

8. internets=tubes=porn sites=masturbation=drones=oil rig explosions

hmmmmm






:freak:

[L0oniX]

11. Yea ..BP masturbated in the Gulf and is still shooting its wad over everything and everyone.

[Forkboy]

12. Especially the way I do it!

:yoiks:

[begin_within]

13. You mean "mass starvation"

[crazyjoe]

14. We are in BIG trouble then.....

[Warren DeMontague]

17. Okay, you win.

This is the nuttiest shit I've seen anyone try to float on DU since the "moon bombing".

[certainot]

20. thanks, but did you know the Koran says man can only have sex with

his wife "and that which the right hand possesses?"

were they talking about slaves and captives, or fingers? what do they do these days?

were they just making sure there were more fighters than artists?

[Warren DeMontague]

27. I'm not really worried about what the Koran has to say on the matter. Or the Bible.

But, carry on. Don't let me get in the way of this potential bonanza of a thread.

[guitar man]

18. Eh, it kinda makes sense

I've always said the earth is a beautiful place but there's always a bunch of jerkoffs that are out to screw it up.

:rofl:

[Quantess]

22. Unrecommended, and my only regret is that threads can't earn negative integer ratings anymore.

[certainot]

23. you don't think it might make a difference?

if the left hand is connected to the creative orgasmic side of the brain and the right hand is connected to the mathematical side of the brain?

there's a lot of fear and certitude in politics these days.

[Quantess]

26. No I don't think it makes a difference for politics, and

I really don't think it makes a difference which hand you use, either.

This is the weirdest, kookiest theory I've seen on the DU for a really long time.

[Warren DeMontague]

28. This thread has the most potential of any I've seen since the ones on the "Star Folks Lunar Colony"

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=389&topic_id=6728139&mesg_id=6756141

[certainot]

37. that's a complement, really

[certainot]

38. i forgot, here's a more scholarly look at the subject, than the video

www.sexonthewrongbrain.org

[Forkboy]

30. What if you use both hands at once.

You know, get the ole "rolly polly" going?

[Hekate]

29. Could you kids take this to The Lounge to explore its full potential?

:evilgrin:

[LostInAnomie]

31. What if I promise to plant a tree or recycle a can every time I rub one out?

Can I spank it guilt free then?

[slampoet]

32. Only MY masturbation is a threat to the Planet.

[Kalyke]

33. Aw crap... can't we just love our mate(s) and fuck 'em without

all this friggin' bull shite?

[Indenturedebtor]

34. Hmmm so you move your mouse with your left hand?

But then can you type one handed with your left? I just can't seem to type with only my left hand... yUrplemaX fizzy gl0ve malkspeetle. Nope still don't have it down. Good news is according to this though that my brain is not threatened!

[certainot]

36. that's why the netroots are so progressive and obama won

saving the planet one mouse/keypad at a time

[RainDog]

39. this is also a biblical truth

because that bible talks about the human incarnation of the divine being on left hand of god.

[Coco2]

40. Busy hands are good! Idle hands do the Divils' work! ;) n/t

[retread]

41. Paddling the pink canoe and burping the worm are killing the planet??

[SalmonChantedEvening]

42. A Wristed Development.

[Forkboy]

45. ....

:spray:

[11 Bravo]

43. Why was the ground white and sticky after the battle at Little Big Horn?

Because the Indians kept coming, and coming, and coming.

[Atman]

44. Wank, baby, wank!

A 10cc spill is much easier to clean up than millions of gallons.

[county worker]

46. What I want to know is why we don't march in the streets daily until what we want gets done?

We're wimps next to the tea baggers. I think sometimes our intellectualism gets in our way. The tea baggers are dumb shits but they are getting their candidates on the ballot!

[Incitatus]

47. Maybe later, Survivor just started and I don't want these Big Macs to get cold. nt

[sl8]

48. "That's the hand to use, well, never mind."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txE7RZNQY_w

"A Simple Desultory Philippic (Or How I Was Robert McNamara'd Into Submission)", by Paul Simon

I been Norman Mailered, Maxwell Taylored.
I been John O'Hara'd, McNamara'd.
I been Rolling Stoned and Beatled till I'm blind.
I been Ayn Randed, nearly branded
Communist, 'cause I'm left-handed.
That's the hand to use, well, never mind.

<...>

[certainot]

49. thanks