BP Turns to Euro to Save Gulf

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

The Euro, which has been in free-fall in recent weeks on global currency markets, will soon find itself in a very different type of free-fall if British Petroleum receives clearance from the U.S. Coast Guard to pursue what industry experts charitably label it’s ‘Plan D’ to both stop the flow of oil spewing into the Gulf of Mexico from the remains of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig as well as absorb and remove the millions of gallons of oil that have already gushed into the fragile ecosystem.

The two-part plan calls for billions of Euro notes to be dropped into the Gulf’s waters in order to absorb the oil already spilled, and for more Euro notes, as well as Greek government bonds, to be included in a second ‘junk shot’ into the leaking well where it is hoped they will sufficiently expand to clog the leak. The first ‘junk shot’, containing thousands of golf balls generously donated by the various country clubs where oil industry executives and their top engineers were apparently playing with their putters while they were supposed to be perfecting fail-safe systems for deep-water oil rigs, is expected to be deployed in the coming days.

According to BP spokesman Weir Dippschitz, the plan was inspired by an off-the-cuff remark made by European Central Bank President Jean-Claude Trichet during a recent conversation with German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Trichet reportedly offered the observation, “Since we’re about to throw so many millions of Euros down a well, let’s hope, at least, that something positive might result.”

“These words of inspiration may have passed unnoticed into history had they not appeared directly adjacent to an in-depth article about Chelsea’s 1-0 victory over Portsmouth in Saturday’s F.A. Cup Final which was read by several of our heroic engineers who have been working so tirelessly and single-mindedly towards a resolution of this most unfortunate incident,” Dippschitz added.

The plan originally called for the use of old, demonetized Italian Lira notes, until BP financial officers realized that the recent downward spiral of the Euro had raised the black market demand for that currency to a level that would make it economically unfeasible. BP then turned to the Euro notes, whose paper has a similar composition to that of the Lira, as an alternative that is expected to prove much less costly in the long run.

According to experts, the composition of the paper used in Euro notes makes them ideal for combating oil spills. Mary J. Travers, an anonymous source with intimate knowledge of the plan, explained that the cotton and linen content of the currency allows it to absorb and retain extraordinary amounts of crude. “In the tests conducted, the bills swelled at levels that in my experience can only be compared to American children during ‘Free Junk Food Month’.”

Dippschitz concluded his remarks with a message for residents of the affected area. “Rest assured that British Petroleum is sensitive not only to the environmental impact of this huge inconvenience, but also to the economic impact on the Gulf Coast region and the potential devastation of its native wildlife. If this doesn’t work, we are already in the process of relocating hundreds of thousands of baby seals to act as a buffer between the oil slick and American beaches.”

[Gore1FL]

1. Wow-- first post in 27 minutes!

I thought it was funny!