Men doing the housework reduces divorce risk: study

[Sparkly]

LONDON (AFP) – Divorce rates are lower in families where husbands help out with the housework, shopping and childcare, according to a study of 3,500 British couples published Tuesday.

The research by the London School of Economics (LSE), entitled "Men's Unpaid Work and Divorce", found that the more husbands helped out, the lower the incidence of divorce.

The study said its conclusions blew open the theory running since the 1960s that marriages were most stable when men focused on paid work and women were responsible for housework.

"The lowest-risk combination is one in which the mother does not work and the father engages in the highest level of housework and childcare," the study found.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20100518/lf_afp/lifestylebritainfamilydivorce

The study only goes back to 1970, and it's in England rather than America, but I'd doubt there's much difference here and now.

[CTyankee]

1. I know things are much happier in my household when hubby does more housework.

I don't feel like I have to "do it all." That can grate on your nerves bigtime.

[bahrbearian]

53. What about yard work, fixing things,crawling in the attice and,under the house

plumbing ,electical,ect ect does that grate your nerves?

[CTyankee]

56. Are you kidding? He doesn't know how to do anything like that...

We both have Masters degrees in esoteric subjects that didn't include electrical, plumbing, etc. He used to shovel snow and rake leaves but can't any more due to health and age. But he COULD wash a dish or two...

[bahrbearian]

62. Well then he should do the dishes

I have to do all those thing and the dishes

[CTyankee]

64. Does your wife sit around and eat bon bons all day while you do this work?

[Bucky]

114. Before I answer that question, let me ask you this: Is 'bon bons" a euphemism?

[CTyankee]

120. It's an old phrase. It means candy as far as I know...

[RayOfHope]

60. My husband does none of those things. In fact, he gives me tools for holidays. n/t

[seabeyond]

68. bah hahahah. i love it. all the uniques ways we couple. that is so cute. nt

[seabeyond]

69. 15 yr old son and another one 3 yrs behind. trash, mowing yard. not hubby. but toolbelt

ah the toolbelt. there is just something about the man that straps on that tool belt. he readily and willingly puts on the toolbelt.

i had a father that couldnt fix anything. it is fun having a hubby that knows how to do this stuff.

[Kitty Herder]

2. In other news, water is wet.

Also, fire. It's hot.

[Mira]

7. HAHAHAHaHaHa Ha Ha haha............ My sentiments exactly. N/T

[FLPanhandle]

13. LOL

Yep, what a surprise.

[Lorien]

82. Truly. And lazy, "privledged" SOBs are unreccing

Many guys I know-ESPECIALLY the repugs-still believe that all domestic chores should be done by the woman-EVEN IF he's unemployed or only part time employed and she's working 12 hours a day and taking care of the kids. Several of these repug (and one Libertarian) men that I know think that their only "job" is watching TV, playing video games, mowing the lawn every other week (if they don't have a service) and screaming at the kids once in a while. Meanwhile they wonder why their wives no longer have leftover energy for sex... :eyes:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. I'm not surprised.

When both partners feel they have a true partnership, then this is the result.

They are pulling together for the sake of the family.

Each one is less likely to feel put upon by the other...

[Lance_Boyle]

8. But that's not what they found.

Apparently marriages last longer when wives are "kept" and not expected to work OR do the housekeeping.

"The lowest-risk combination is one in which the mother does not work and the father engages in the highest level of housework and childcare," the study found.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

14. Read it again:

A very key phrase:

where husbands help out with the housework

I think you're misinterpreting it.

The wives still do housework, etc., and the husbands help.

[Lance_Boyle]

16. OK, I read it again.

"The lowest-risk combination is one in which the mother does not work and the father engages in the highest level of housework and childcare," the study found.

Mother does not work? Check. Father does most (highest level) of housework and childcare? Check.

Not seeing where I'm misinterpreting this...

[CaliforniaPeggy]

18. When they say the mother does not work, they mean this:

She is not employed outside the home for wages.

Believe me, a woman who works in the home, WORKS. She isn't compensated monetarily, is all.

[Lance_Boyle]

22. But this says the father does most of the housework and childcare, in addition

to working to support the family. In other words, the mother does... nothing.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

27. I still think you're misinterpreting this, and I have no idea why.

However, if you want to see it this way, then who am I to argue?

I'm done trying to get you to see it.

I have failed.

[Lance_Boyle]

31. I hate for you to give up - I can't see interpreting the sentence I've posted twice

now in any other way than the way I do. I even diagrammed it - it means what it says. And that's that marriage works best when the man does everything and the woman does nothing.

Seems a dim view of marriage to me. Maybe they surveyed only very wealthy married couples, with nannies?

[redqueen]

32. Read post 25. (nt)

[Sparkly]

35. "Lowest risk combination" and "Highest level of housework"... Among the men in the study.

That's how I read it -- the highest levels measured in the study. Who knows, that could mean they picked up a sponge twice a week instead of once. :shrug:

[Lance_Boyle]

38. Now *THAT* begins to shed some light on things!

I see how that one sentence could be interpreted differently if the words "highest level" refer to a level among the cohort of men in the study. But for the life of me (and because the sentence itself refers only to "the mother" and "the father") I did not read it that way.

[mkultra]

39. Your comprehension of the written word is correct

I suspect it is written poorly.

[Lorien]

84. No, it says "engages in"

most husbands don't engage in either-especially if the wife is a stay at home mother.

[redqueen]

17. They're seeing being a SAHM as not involving work.

That's where the confusion is coming from.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

Exactly right.

[DireStrike]

89. Wrong

The confusion comes from this part of the sentence:

"the father engages in the highest level of housework and childcare"

Is it "Highest" meaning the highest level in the household, or highest out of the other men he is being compared to?

In the first case, the husband is doing more housework than the wife in addition to being sole breadwinner. Sounds like a good deal to me - I'd stay in that marriage. Since the marriage is referenced shortly beforehand, it seems like this first interpretation is what was intended.

In the second case, the husband could be doing any non-zero amount of housework. This makes a bit more sense but the other interpretation is not completely ridiculous. (And I feel I have to qualify that further... not completely ridiculous in the context of harebrained media interpretation of findings in studies.)

[seabeyond]

91. i read it first scenerio, though that made absolutely no sense, so assumed

they must mean your second scenerio. but i agree. poorly written. i read it that way too

[redqueen]

111. It is completely ridiculous IMO.

Even by M$M standards.

[ismnotwasm]

21. Kept where?

Some secret dungeon?

[canetoad]

4. STINKY, are ya reading this??

:rofl:

[profile this]

23. Love

love that little guy. He cracks me up.

[Tailormyst]

5. Good news for me!

After 7 years I am selling my home and moving into my fiance's house this summer. He is always doing laundry, cleaning up, yardwork, dishes, etc. He doesn't cook though, but I do. So by the time I finish cooking anything, he already has the kitchen cleaned up after me! Very different from my first marriage where I raised the kids, cleaned the house and had a job once the kids hit pre-school. At least he fixed the cars and mowed the lawn though.

[mkultra]

6. so the best combo is when the "mother DOESNT work and the father does the housework and childcare"

So the less a woman does the the lower the divorce rate.


:evilgrin:

[ZombieHorde]

15. Yes, that is what the article is saying. nt

[seabeyond]

25. highest level isnt necessarily referring to between the couple, but per husbands participation in

house hold chores. and further in the article it is discussing working mother and non. it is sounding to me more like the more hubby helps in the house, less chance of divorce. makes sense. especially if wife is working. but even if a stay at home, depending on situation, help is always nice. if the study is saying woman not working and hubby doing the lion share of the work, i will agree with you all. bullshit. not a very good article though.



"However, in doing so, they have paid very little attention to the behaviour of men. This research... suggests that fathers' contribution to unpaid work at home stabilises marriage regardless of mothers' employment status," she said.

The study analysed married couples who had their first child in 1970, a time when most mothers of young children stayed at home.

"The results suggest that the risk of divorce among working mothers, while greater, is substantially reduced when fathers contribute more to housework and childcare," she said."

[mkultra]

28. well, i was just trolling really but...

If both parties work full time, home should be split evenly. If the mother doesn't work, The father is not absolved from doing housework or childcare. I think those should be clear paradigms imho.

In terms of the article, i would question what "highest level" means. If it means higher than the partner, then i would say your making several assumptions. The article does not define the meaning of this term and the conclusion is the reporter's, not the reasearcher's.

[seabeyond]

42. i am not making any assumptions. i dont know that it doesnt mean higher level than the wife at home

i am thinking it may be referring to highest level, per other working males. but that is a guess

doesnt make sense to me that this article is suggesting the man works and then comes home and does the housework and childcare. i mean.... it doesnt make sense. if that is what it is saying, then that is total bullshit and i would divorce the wife, lol

basically, i am agreeing with you

[mkultra]

50. well put.

[CreekDog]

54. why not? women aren't stupid

:rofl:

[seabeyond]

58. why not? ... lol, cause men arent stupid either. nt

[CreekDog]

61. well, i wouldn't go that far!

:rofl:

[seabeyond]

65. and "they" say i am a man hater. geeeesh, i have more confidence in you men than

you men do....

[CreekDog]

76. i wouldn't take me too serioiusly

:D

[mkultra]

77. make no mistake

we have tons of confidence in ourselves.

[seabeyond]

79. sons, brothers, father, friends, nephews.... some do, some dont.

about all i have been around all my life are men/boys. some have confidence. some dont.

that post was more tongue in cheek

[mkultra]

109. mine too :)

[seabeyond]

113. sigh, lol

good to know.

[redqueen]

9. It's distressing how many people seem to think stay-at-home mothers don't work.

They work, believe me. They just don't get paychecks from employers for it.

[ZombieHorde]

20. Being a stay at home parent is way easier than most jobs.

I was a stay at home dad with a 1st grader, a newborn baby, and our foster teen who suffered from severe cognitive delay and autism.

Since we were foster parents, our house had regular inspections from the state, and they were crazy strict. We were lectured for having a school book on the dining room table.

Still easier than most jobs.

[jesus_of_suburbia]

29. "We were lectured for having a school book on the dining room table."

I think that is beyond ridiculous.


I agree there should be strict inspections, but not for silly things like that.

[ZombieHorde]

63. They were ridiculous, my kids were more reasonable than them. nt

[ismnotwasm]

37. Jesus dude

That doesn't sound easy. I'm a renal/transplant nurse nurse, which is extremely difficult job on all levels. I'd rather do the nursing on the level I do than what you've described any day

My husband stayed at home with the kids. He was better at it in the first place than I am, but it wasn't by choice. He has Multiple Sclerosis, which didn't make anything "easier"

[NeedleCast]

45. It depends on how you're assessing difficulty

What's difficult for some may be enjoyable for others. Most people wouldn't like to sit at a desk and write technical documentation for computer software all day but I kinda enjoy it. I also enjoy the training aspect of my job. It's still a job and if I had the choice of making my salary and staying home or making my salary and going to work, I'd pick the former, but as far as jobs go, I like it. I'd much rather do my job than do what you did (stay home, raise children...that seems like much "harder" work to me).

[Lorien]

88. Geez-I'd take the toughest 80 hour a week corporate job I've had

over spending a full day with my best friend's two young boys! I'm amazed that they haven't burned the house down yet.

[Greyskye]

24. Yep, how true.

Up until a year ago I, the guy, was the one working 60+ hours a week, and didn't do much around the house other than dishes.

Then I was laid off, and my wife became the sole breadwinner. Now I do the shopping, cooking, cleaning, home-schooling, errand running, weeding, property maintenance, etc.

I'm back to how much I weighed in high school; since I'm on my feet all day now instead of sitting in a cube farm! :D

[Warpy]

10. Yeah, guys, even though the culture approves of your

shoving all the shit work onto our shoulders, if you do it we will leave you.

It's the only way to decrease the workload, especially if we're working outside the home.

I mean, why bother? There's no way to conceal working us like rented mules with hearts and flowers forever.

Don't bother protesting, you know who you are and so does your wife.

The guys who do realize that housework is no different from any other workload and do their share are pure gold.

[unpossibles]

11. some of us are suckers

I rehabbed most of a house (completely gutted, mind you), did almost all of the cooking, did my share of housework, and... oh wait, there was another factor: she had a boyfriend on the side while I was home busting my ass on the house that she still has.

I'm not that bitter about it most of the time, but sometimes things like this kind of piss me off even though I agree that most men are too lazy and/or sexist to really help. In my case, it got old, and technically I was the one who asked for a divorce after getting sick of the double standards.

[Lorien]

94. I'd prefer any of the corporate jobs I've had over the full time drudgery of housework

as a stay at home housewife or mother. No wonder so many women in the 1950's ended up shut away in mental hospitals or killing themselves-menial labor like that is soul killing after a while! I've read that marriage ads 20 hours of such labor to a woman's week and subtracts as many from a man's, so I see zero benefit in marriage for any woman...except a lucky few. I know a handful with helpful husbands who do at least half the chores around the home. A few others are full time house husbands-two treat it like a serious job, one sits around all day watching TV and playing video games, then whines about what his wife fixes for dinner or that she didn't finish the laundry. I see a rather lonely future ahead of him.

[TwilightGardener]

12. Has to do more with the personalities of men who are willing to pitch in

with household duties, I would bet. Housework belongs to everyone in a household, to some extent. Men who refuse to act like adults in their own home are probably real dicks.

[Jokerman]

26. Agreed

"Men who refuse to act like adults in their own home are probably real dicks."

Sounds like you've met my dad.

My dad refused to do house work but he would gladly supervise others with a highly critical eye. I don't think that house work was the major problem in my parent's marriage but it was one of the many by-products of my dad's generally domineering personality.

[TwilightGardener]

36. Several men I know are like this, to some degree--some aren't critical at all, but

have an attitude that they are not fundamentally responsible for an unfolded-laundry basket, a stained toilet, a sink full of dishes, crumbs on the floor. It's like they still secretly want to live with mommy. Housework is so sucky, and neverending, and comes in so many forms, that it's ridiculous to expect someone else to take care of ALL of it, even if that someone else is a stay at home mom. Srsly, men, if you leave whisker stubble in the sink, RINSE IT DOWN. If you splatter piss on the toilet rim, WIPE IT UP. If you notice kitty litter scattered on the floor, VACUUM IT. My husband does his share, so I'm not complaining about my own situation--but I grew up in a household where none of the males ever lifted a finger even when they made the mess.

[seabeyond]

67. when i was alone and single all those many years, i could clean and have the reward of clean

for a good long time and rejoice and bask in the hard work. with kids.... screamin.... just a couple hours, can the house not stay clean for just a couple hours..... lol. the reward is not there.

[TwilightGardener]

75. No--I like a clean house, but you're right, it's not rewarding beyond

a couple hours. Just drudgery that never goes away.

[LynzM]

40. Right. Is it causal, or correlated?

:thumbsup:

[NeedleCast]

47. I think that's exactly it

As a person who is happy to split house work with my girlfriend, I don't understand how people who don't do this operate.

I have a cousin (and in-law) who are very, VERY traditionl roles couple. He has never cooked anything in his life. He may have done some cleaning before getting married, but does none now. She has never (and brags about it) taken out the trash or done yard work. It's funny and bewildering. I've seen their yard go weeks without being mowed because he was on an extended buisness trip somewhere...she just refuses to do it. He would starve to death were it not for restaurants.

While I'm not around them much, I feel like they both live almost completely seperate lives and quietly hate each other.

[madrchsod]

19. my sisters told me some 50yrs ago....

they were`t going to clean up after me,do my ironing,or wash my clothes. they showed me how to iron and my grandmother taught me how to clean and cook. so i`ve been been doing it for 50 some yrs. after 30 yrs my wife finally gave up trying to stop me from doing "woman`s work".

[FLPanhandle]

30. I'll never get divorced.

My wife doesn't work outside the house, I help when I'm home, and I'm (modestly) a very involved dad.

Good thing too. I couldn't do better than her!

[Ohio Metal]

33. Things that make you go,"No shit!' n/t

[NNN0LHI]

34. Thats why my wife and I decided to never get legally married

We didn't have the pressures of worrying about getting a divorce some day.




























































I am joking. We went to the judge in Joliet and got hitched correctly.

Don

[RedCloud]

41. I draw the line at breast feeding. Just saying...

[NeedleCast]

43. Sounds Simple to Me; Men willing to share in the hosuework are probably

in more harmonious relationships.

My girlfriend and I (who basically live together 3-4 days a week) generaly split housework. Granted, we have no children and both work, but as far as chorse go, we tend to split things pretty evenly and there's usually little or no discussion about it. There are no "traditional gender roles" either. We both clean (although she probably cleans more than I do, because I'm a slob), we both cook, we both do yard work. If the trash if full, one of us takes it out. I think when we (as a society) stop trying to put gender norms into who's job it is to do what, we're happier people.

[gratuitous]

44. I have friends

She has a magnet on the fridge that reads "No woman ever shot a man while he was doing the dishes."

[Jennicut]

46. My situation is this, husband works two jobs, one during the week and one on the weekends.

I do everything at home. All the housework, grocery shopping, take care of our 4 and 5 year olds. And I am exhausted and burnt out. But he works so much he is done at the end of the day (he works for gas utility and lots of it is physical work). He works on the weekends as a church organist and has services to play on Sat and Sunday. Plus choir practice Wednesday. He gets paid really, really well for it. And he also plays in a band on Friday and Saturday nights every few weeks, going to Boston or Albany sometimes. Gets good money for that. I think we are both done at the end of the day. Something has to change eventually.....

[NeedleCast]

48. With Due Respect, can I ask you about this?

Was all this stuff going on when you and your husband chose to have children? I ask, because I see a lot of relationships like this and I don't understand them at all. My girlfriend's sister and her husband are in a somewhat similar situation. They have two kids (a 18mo. old and a 4 year old). She works full time. He works part time and goes to technical school part time (and has a slipped disk in his back which badly limits his mobility). She does all the work around the house because he is in constant pain (he's having surgery soon). Her sister (my girlfriend) helps by taking care of the kids on a weekend once every few weeks and her parents do the same despite living about three hours away. On the rare occasion that she has down time, she sleeps. The older child is essentially out of control right now. He has a kind, funny nature but he ignores his parents most of the time (they tell him not to do something, he does it anyway, they ignore it). He eats nothing but sugar and treats because he knows they don't have time time or energy to make him anything else.

She calls her sister and mom and costantly complains about being exhausted and their solution to all this seems to be to continue to add more "stuff" to their schedule. Last month, they adopted a very energetic Jack Russell terrier that neither of them have time to take care of (it runs away constantly and they have to chase it down because it doens't get the exercise it's breed needs).

It just seems to be a somewhat tortourous life.

[mkultra]

51. i have never understood why people stack their plates so high

My wife spent several years trying to constantly add responsibilities to our existence. I think i finally convinced here to slow down and not get sucked into so many thing.

[seabeyond]

52. he does it anyway, they ignore it... they arent doing the kid any favor and really

even though the mother is tired (if that is the excuse) wont be worth it in the future

i know you didnt post to me, BUT.... man, i gotta agree with your post. i didnt know how we were going to do our family, when we got married and i was older, 32. i thought i would continue to work. but ... i simply couldnt leave a baby, and we could afford it. 16 yrs later, i take care of house, errands, food, kids, ect... and he works. we both get down time. and i have no desire to be superwoman and he doesnt want more on his plate. when it comes to major cleaning for company, he jumps in. he, the better cook, does it here and there. and he doesnt nag or put pressure on what i do or dont do. but then i am not on his ass with his work either.

just makes for a peaceful and contented life....

and that environment helps create a peaceful household for the kids, which behooves us adults.

i know people like that family. i do not get it at all. i would be downsizing and eliminating all over the place.

[NeedleCast]

57. Agree

I feel like they're lucky that their older child is, generally, good natured. However, he's not very healthy (last time I saw them was the weekend after Easter and the boy basically ate candy at meal times...no kidding, his breakfast was a bowl of jelly beans...dollars to donuts says he develops child-hood diabetes). He's a fun kid that likes to play but he also shows signs of having some serious attention problems (he has to be the center of attention when adults are around, especially if said adults are paying more attention to his sister). I'll admit I know dick-all about childhood development but that doesn't seem good.

Their household is, essentially, ongoing chaos. My girlfriend is very family oriented and loves her sister and neice/nephew to death but she is also a little reluctant to get on her sister about what's going on. I feel like it's not really my place either.

[seabeyond]

59. i spent so much time in the mother day out, pre k, and lower grades of school

what i noticed, in my face, it is obvious, noticed, was the kids that are getting the attention at home, that have the security and foundation are not the ones working for the adult attention. every child that would come to me, trying to suck out the attention and the love were from a dysfunctional environment. kids learn to hide it better as they get older. or maybe they pull away from the adults. and what i have found now that kids friends are older, is the ones that are in the secure environment are the ones as preteen and teens that will interact and talk to me on all kinds of subjects. a respectful, adult like interaction. and the kids that use to be the ones looking for the attention have well been trained to retreat within.

interesting interesting.

thanks.

[mkultra]

78. so do you have any friends that give you guff about staying at home

Our setup is pretty close and my wife says she often feels looked down upon for her choice to stay home with the kids.

[seabeyond]

81. all over the place. not friends or family. but people that dont know our life,

what we have created in our home, sure.

often

all the time, lol lol

means absolutely nothing to me, anymore. use to bother me. seeing the positive, i wouldnt have it any other way

i got married old. i took care of myself for about two decades. accomplished what i wanted. did my playing. owned my house, antiques, china, chystal. i had done really well. i have nothing to prove, to myself or anyone else for that matter.

[Number23]

90. You'd fit in beautifully in Australia. Damn near every woman in Australia stays home with her kids

Or spends a good portion of the child's first few months at home.

Back home, I knew women that had their child in day care at 3 months so that they could go back to work. That is done sooo very infrequently here as to be almost verboten. It's typical that moms will stay home with their babies for at least the first 12 months of the child's life, even though of course there are exceptions.

I have to tell you, the kids here in Australia seem to be very well adjusted -- even the teenagers here seem sweeter than the teens back home.

[seabeyond]

93. i am tellin ya

ya.

[Number23]

98. I love your previous post

i took care of myself for about two decades. accomplished what i wanted. did my playing. owned my house, antiques, china, chystal. i had done really well. i have nothing to prove, to myself or anyone else for that matter.

I'm the same way. I had a Master's, had lived by myself for a decade and had traveled the world by the time I got married. I am a FIRM believer that women shouldn't get married until they've either lived by themselves and paid their own bills with no assistance for a year and/or traveled at least once out of the country of their birth.

[seabeyond]

100. i agree. it makes marriage and settlin so much easier.

we know what we want, too. and dont settle. all of it makes it so much easier. then, you can really put the time into the babies and little ones. slow self to stop and let the little ones explore life at their pace

[Jennicut]

73. No...he keeps taking on more and more to get the money.

Is it worth it? Probably not. I will be honest...we had a huge fight about his schedule in the past and we almost divorced over that and some other things. We did patch things up. But for how long can we handle this type of situation? I will be going back to work full time when the girls are both in school all day but he could drop the part time job. Might be better for us.

[Sparkly]

80. I was in a similar situation.

My first husband and I scraped by and when our daughter was little, it was tough. He was a teacher and had a church job like your husband; we dovetailed our schedules so that I worked "after-school" hours and weekends, but that pressured him to get home right after school, etc. We tried to minimize the cost of childcare and thought it better for her not to be in daycare. (Probably wrong, looking back now.) So it was like a constant fight about meeting our responsibilities at home. (As in, "You got to work LAST Saturday!!")

I pretty much stayed home with her when she was a baby, and when he came in the door, I was practically waiting there, handing her to him going, "HERE!!! She's YOURS now!" Needless to say, that was hard on him. I loved her but the monotony and isolation were difficult for me. (This was in a small Manhattan apartment, and she was never an easy baby.)

I envied him being able to go to work and see professional strides, get feedback, progress, make money etc. At the end of a day, I felt like -- "Whew! We all survived, and she grew another day's worth." That was all I felt I'd accomplished -- everybody got fed, three loads of laundry got done, five errands, six bills... every day about the same, and nothing to "show" for it somehow.

He did pitch in with some things, but it seemed to me he spent more time crabbing about household standards than working at upholding any of them. And I still think women face that "second shift" no matter how hard we work.

All that's just to sympathize. As to your situation, I think you're right that things will ease up on you when your daughters are in school. The transition then is to figure out who does what after 6:00 (or whenever you both get home). They do get used to putting their feet up, and considering everything they feel like doing a heroic act worthy of thanks and praise, as an exception to the "default setting" of the woman doing everything. (I'm sorry, is my bitterness showing?!)

Tip for the men reading: Two of the worst mistakes you could make are 1) calling it "babysitting" to take care of your own children, and 2) calling it "helping you" when you pitch in to carry your own weight.

:rant:

[seabeyond]

83. having two well spaced, you get one done and start on the other

around 3, 4 get past the hard stuff and then starting with the second one. i use to feel exactly the same for about 6 yrs. he took a shower not bothered. i had 6 yrs of showers fast and worried cause was out of ear shot. for me it was hard. easier for others from what they say, or you and i are honest. lol

i told hubby, i will do first 12 yrs then he gets the rest. well hell, i did such a good job the first 12 years they are so easy.... lol i am keeping the job.

[Sparkly]

97. Sounds like you got it right, sea

I kept waiting for the "marriage to stabilize" before having more children, and that one never did.

Of all the things I worried about regretting when it would be too late, I never realized how much I'd wish I'd had more kids. :(

(Oh the showers -- I was such a nut, I'd put her in her little seat next to the shower even when she was a baby, and if she was awake I'd peek out of the curtain every two seconds to make faces and go "boogaboogabooga!" Like it would traumatize her forever if I didn't entertain her every second. No wonder I was exhausted -- lol!)

[seabeyond]

99. really, i am lmao

with your shower story. i always waited for nap time. the bitch with that, i wanted a nap too and didnt want to waste with a shower.

ya

those were the days

[Sparkly]

101. Oh, nap time!!

Nap time was me trying to take a nap while she was in her crib going, "Mom!! .... Mom!! .... Mom!!..." over and over and over again. Once she was able to reach the top drawer of her dresser, I'd go in there after however long I could stand it and find her in her bathing suit or something, onesies strewn all over the floor...

[Jennicut]

104. And they act all jerky about cleaning up like it is so easy and why can't I do it

better, faster, more on a tighter schedule. I am tired. I had my kids back to back...I developed gestational diabetes during my pregnancy with the second one and it did not go away after she was born. I ended up being a type 1 diabetic. I was a newly diagnosed diabetic with a 3 month old and 15 month old. I have no idea how I kept it together...my Mom visited me at least once a week. That is how I did it. Got a lot of housework done that way. I also went back to school at night. I worked as a waitress at night for a little while. I have spent almost 6 years being tired. I need a break from the kids too. I love them but all day with them plus most of the weekends and weeknights when my husband is not there is hard. Will our marriage last? I have my good days when I think it will and my bad days when I think we will make it a few more years only. There is a lack of, how shall I put it...empathy for anything that I go through. A kind of coldness that develops over time. Not sure if anyone else's marriage or marriages have been like that.

[seabeyond]

106. you sound tired jennicut

i hear ya.

[Jennicut]

107. Yeah..I am.

Hopefully, with my kids going to school full time some things will change. I need to do student teaching in the fall to get my teaching certificate. Then find a job, so he can (hopefully) quit one of his.

[mkultra]

108. I think that coldness comes when a family

falls into the position where it must run look a corporate machine. people start to develop bitterness over minor "failures" and that bitterness builds into a kind of division.


imho, the only answer is to scale back your monetary needs so that everyone can slow down and spend most of your time together in leisure.

Me and my wife have always made the economic sacrifice because she wanted to stay home with the kids. At times, she has expanded our social responsibilities which i have influenced her into contracting. The same was also true of my work, where i started charging hard to bring in the money. She talked me into backing down some.

I think we have an equilibrium now which allows us to spend time together having simple fun and gives me enough energy to contribute at home.

Every relationship i have seen in which both parties had their nose to the grindstone resulted in failure.

[Number23]

86. Is there any way that your girlfriend's sister could hire a housekeeper once a week?

It could help reduce her load quite a bit. I know it may sound extravagant, but for so many people it is an absolute must and a lifesaver.

And it sounds like a major reason they are so stressed is because of the husband's constant pain and a lack of discipline for the 4 year old.

[seabeyond]

87. i did when kids were baby and two. she came here for about four years

you are right on.

[Number23]

92. The one we have is a godsend. Originally from Finland and is wonderful

Talks me half to death but I love her anyway. :)

[seabeyond]

95. lol, ya but the thing is... that i remember

we moved into this house when youngest was about two months old and i had a two and half yr old. we kinda adopted the housekeeper. she had worked for my mom for 15 yrs. old....

she was a lifesaver in more ways than cleaning. she would let me rant on. i had someone to talk to.

she had 14 kids too. put things in perspective for me

ya. i am ready to hire again. tired of cleaning toilets, lol

[Odin2005]

49. They needed a study for THIS!?!

:eyes:

[Rex]

55. It took a study to figure that out?

I thought women weren't houseslaves anymore.

[guitar man]

66. should I say "duh" ?

or "no shit" ? :shrug:

[maxsolomon]

70. i refuse to help with housework that doesn't need to be done

like over-frequent vacuuming, stainless steel polishing, glass-rangetop cleaning, and counter sterilizing. she'd spend the whole weekend cleaning if she had her druthers. in fact, she spent all last weekend scrubbing the lawn furniture and patio.

she has a degree in biomedical technology so she sees germs everywhere. i help a lot (really truly), but i'm not going to enable OCD!

[mkultra]

112. to add to this point

I think the men are predisposed to not care about mess while women often do. When i lived alone, my place was a wreck and i liked it. I would pick up every once in a great while.

[maxsolomon]

119. well, i like order - just not laboratory-level sterile conditions

i do the straightening & organizing, but she doesn't care about that - i get accused of 'squirreling' things away! "goddammit, where's that NYT recipe i cut out and left on the countertop in october?"

[BlueIris]

71. Shocking.

Not.

How very sad people needed an actual study to figure this out.

[Dappleganger]

72. Works for us.

Married 21+ years w/4 kids. He's lucky that I'm not a neat-freak except in the kitchen, though.

BTW, even when working 50+ hours/week and getting his Masters he still pitched in with housework. He is great with laundry and kitchen duties, plus shoving the vacuum around. When I was going through two bouts with cancer he really pulled through (and the entire family was involved w/that).

He braids mine and our youngest daughter's hair, too. ;)

[Number23]

96. "He braids mine and our youngest daughter's hair, too."

Too. Cute! :)

My husband helps with our 3 year old's hair. He has gotten so good with ponytails now. And considering she's biracial (curls for DAYS) with enough hair for three people and he was an Army man whose own hair is 3/4 of an inch long, it makes me love him even more.

[Dappleganger]

116. Lucky woman!

You know, it's not just the act of doing things like this but the child will remember those moments when they get older.

[joe black]

117. I am humbled in your presence..

For kicking cancers ass twice. Good God you're a tough cookie.

[UndertheOcean]

74. wait , some people don't hire maids ? n/t

[htuttle]

85. I'm a man...

...but I can change. If I have to. I guess.

[Sparkly]

102. That alone will probably get you tons of marriage proposals. :) nt

[htuttle]

103. Too late

Been together 17 years this year.

I do all the cooking. And the grocery shopping.

:)

[lumberjack_jeff]

110. LOL, that attitude and duct tape will get you far. n/t

[LiberalAndProud]

118. How long have you been a member of the Possum Lodge?

Love the Red Green reference.

[Lagomorph]

105. My wife and I...

...have always shared the load. It's not divided by gender, but we each do somethings better than the other. I can do the laundry, but she prefers to do certain things herself. I'm taller, so I get to dust all the high places, change light bulbs, reach the top shelf, etc.

She tends to micro-manage, so I like to do certain things before she gets up or while she's out.

[Bucky]

115. Okay, but is it worth it?